Never Again - 33

Chapter 33 - healing the wounds

Max! Erin could barely believe her ears. It had been a year since their divorce had been final, and at least six months more since she salvaged a few belongings from their marital home. As far as she knew he’d left the company taking all their marital funds with him. To hear that he was back, and that he was attempting some sort of blackmail was ridiculous.

                “Max? You are a joke. I’m going to hang up.”

                “Are you happy for intimate details to appear in the highest paying tabloid? Because I’m willing to tell the world ALL about the kinky sexual preferences of Jack Reilly’s latest screw! Who else but her ex husband would know that?” He had a haughty confidence in his voice, but he’d always dominated and controlled her in the past, for some reason he thought that he still could,

She fumed silently for a moment, just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse it just did. But she wasn’t the same person that he’d abandoned, she was stronger, he no longer was the centre of her universe. She’d lost more than she’d ever had with him, and she knew he wasn’t good enough for her, but that had taken a long time to realise. It had taken Jack to make her see it. Even at his worst Jack cared for her in his own way more than Max ever had, he was a king compared to the slug who even know was still after his pound of flesh.

                “Max, I am hardly Jack’s latest screw, and as you left me destitute I am hardly in a position to pay you any amount of money, I’m not working, I can’t help you.”

He laughed, an ugly sound, “you? No money? Screwing a multimillionaire footballer, daughter of another famous player...you are hardly skint. Pay up, or it’s the papers!”

Erin wasn’t being dragged into this conversation, she was determined to hang up, a few weeks ago she’d have cared about what was written about her, even the mention of her name in the tabloids had scared her, but nothing could be worse than having your miscarriage as a headline, anything Max could make up for effect, for money, would be lies, and she didn’t care. Not really. So she called his bluff, “do what you have to Max, but bear in mind if you as much as hint at something slanderous I will sue you in the highest court in the land. You won’t get chance to run away a second time.”

He laughed as they phone went dead, but Erin thought that it sounded a less confident laugh than earlier.

With a groan and a nausea creating sense of foreboding, she climbed back in the car to head back to her parents, knowing that she had to forewarn Jack, he deserved that.

                “What do you want?” Jack’s words were harsh, but his voice cracked as he looked at his mother, the last person he ever imagined seeing on his doorstep. She’d never left Ireland, not as long as he could remember. And whilst he wanted to hate her, as he looked at her he remembered how much he’d wanted her to be there back in the hospital when Erin was so sick.

                “You don’t reply to my messages or answer my calls...I’m worried about you. I always worry about you, but this business...to read about it in the papers...”

 He shook his head, “too little too late Ma.”

AS he went to close the door, she placed her foot in the doorway and stopped him, for a septuagenarian she was feisty, came from having so many children and grandchildren! “Running away from me hasn’t made anything better in your life, so for your own sake stop!”

Jack snapped, “I watched all manner of hell in your home, and most of it I can’t forget, no wonder I wanted to run away at the first chance I had!”

                “What hell did you ever see? I know me and you Da had a hard time but it was hardly traumatic.”

Jack shook his head, “he hit you! Beat you! Then proceeded in impregnating you more times than I could count uncaring if you lost them...”

His mother’s face fell and she was suddenly white as a sheet. “Is that what you think? Really?”

She barged past him into the lounge and slumped into a seat, staring up at her son. “Honestly Jack, it was nothing like that! I swear!”

He strolled in and sat opposite her, “a month after my tenth birthday was the moment that it all changed for me, you lost a baby, we thought we’d lose you, not that it was the first time...and that was after he hit you down the stairs. You were black and blue. Then you started to bleed...” He shook his head, the memories from his childhood merging with those of Erin only a few weeks ago. Regardless of who was struggling, fighting against things, it tore at his heart.

                “Your father never hit me.” Was all she said, when he looked on in disbelief, she took a deep breath and finally met his eyes. “It’s me Jack, I’ve...” she sighed, “I’ve fought manic depression all my life, I never wanted anyone to know, so your father pretended that I wasn’t hyper cleaning the kitchen at four am, and equally that I wasn’t lower than the gutter feeling like I wanted to die. Your poor Da put up with it all...”

Jack shook his head, “so you hit yourself? Blacked your own eyes?”

His mother slumped back and looked at him, “I didn’t get advice or treatment for my problems at any point until way after you’d left home. Every child I lost killed me a little, and I became obsessed with children lost rather than you and your brother and sisters...it was the attempt to control things when nothing was going how I wanted, and I felt children a whole host of them would make me have to be better.”

Jack shook his head, “depression can’t be bargained with.” A colleague once had tried to take his own life with depression, as a twenty one year old man it had opened his eyes to the reality of the disease. How could he have missed that in his own mother? But they’d all missed it in Robbie, no one knew he was at rock bottom, he’d hidden it well, were his parents that clever?

                “I know, but I was in denial, I fought your father’s guidance at every turn.” She reached for his hand, “and now I know that you maybe experienced the bulk of the problems, the main issues. But please don’t blame your father...”

                “I saw the bruises Mum, you didn’t do that to yourself...” when she started to nod, he could barely fathom it all. “You did?”

She blushed, “I would have horrendous lows and I wanted to die, your father would try and remind me of you, the others, but I’d hit myself, thrown myself down stairs, I even cut myself. I’m not proud of that Jack, I really am not, and you need to know, I never hurt any of the babies, the miscarriages were all bad luck, fate...I don’t know. But when I was pregnant I was happy, you know? It was all good.”

Jack staggered into the kitchen and slumped over the work surface, “you’ve never told me this before...”

His mother had followed him and perched opposite him, “thirty years ago in rural Ireland? You didn’t mention that word, your father told all manner of lies to cover for my failings, or my mania, he practically brought you kids up...I’m ashamed of it all Jack, but the last ten years I’ve been treated, counselling, medication, I’m coming to terms with it all, and I’m happy...finally. And I’m really proud of you, you may not realise that, I’ve followed every detail of your life. I should have spoken to you months ago, years ago...but you never wanted to speak to us.”

He closed his eyes, his hatred for his family had fuelled his life for so many years, it felt as though the rug was being pulled from under his feet, everything he knew was wrong. “Why now?”

Looking at her he saw the wry smile, “I know what you’re going through, I wanted to come and help you and Erin. I’ve been there, I know how hard it is.”

Closing his eyes he felt more than the gentle prickle of tears at his eyes, “she’s gone, left me.”

His mother’s hand covered his, “why?”

Shaking his head, Jack kept his eyes closed, “she doesn’t love me, without the baby she sees no need for me.” He’d not vocalised his fears before and the words came with a driving pain into his chest like a knife. “She checked out of hospital the moment I left her, and her parents have told me she needs time to recover...”

                “I don’t believe that for a second, the woman I spoke to had you as the centre of her universe, she wanted to do right by you, not what she thought should be done. If she didn’t care she’d have done what she felt would be best for her and the baby, but she didn’t. That’s a selfless woman, and one who respects you. That doesn’t happen very often!”

When he opened his eyes tears were rolling down his face, “she nearly died Ma, and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through, I was so powerless. I’m sad she lost the baby, of course I am, but I’m devastated that I had to watch her in such pain, so ill...and now, she’s gone. I don’t even know if she’s well...”

                “Why not son? You love her, she’s your soul mate, why aren’t you breaking down doors, knocking people over to get to her?”

Love? He couldn’t remember loving anyone, to love was to expose yourself to pain, that was all that his tortured life had taught him, but this was pain. So maybe his mother was right, maybe this finally was love, maybe this was him feeling bereft from the only person he needed in her life.

He half laughed, swiping at a tear, “because I didn’t realise I loved her, not until now.”

Reaching out his mother dragged her thumbs across his cheeks wiping away the tears, “Jack Conor Reilly, you are a wonderful man, I’m so proud of you, but at this moment I want to knock some sense into you. When you get something good, something that makes you smile, feel proud...you never let it go, you hear me?”

He nodded and it seemed only natural to lower his head to her shoulder and let him hug her, he hadn’t cried since he’d left home fifteen years earlier, but now here, it was his mother’s presence that had finally made him confront the last six months, all that he’d gained, then lost. As she held him, tears still falling, he realised a lot. He’d not let Erin get close to him, she knew so little about him, yet she’d been transparent from the moment he’d met her. He had become a part of her life, whereas she’d lived in his house without the same commitment.

He could blame the woman who’s arms felt like the safest place in the world, or he could accept that nothing in life was ever straight forward. Suddenly he knew he had to find Erin, tell her how he felt. If she laughed, if she didn’t feel the same, he’d understand, it would hurt, but nothing could be as bad as this state of perpetually not knowing!

Never Again - 32

Chapter 32 - recovering

Erin sat looking out over the peaceful fields; it was a beautiful autumn morning. From this spot, high above her parents’ farm she was away from the furore. It was a month since she’d checked herself out of the hospital in Manchester. Since then she’d been monitored and checked out by a local doctor. Apparently she was making an excellent recovery. Physically she was feeling fitter every day, but emotionally she was a long way from it. Every time she closed her eyes, found sleep, she relived that horrendous moment of waking up all over again. In those moments asleep nothing had changed, she was still carrying her beloved baby, and everything was happy.

Reality was very different. And if she ever forgot she had seen the headlines to remind her of exactly all that had happened. How people knew her name she didn’t know. Her father had offered use of his solicitor to look into how the tabloids had found out about her and the baby she’d lost, but that would only drag things out. It was as Jack had always said; it would be tomorrow’s history. The last thing she wanted was to relive it all, and any protest would do that. Ignorance was bliss, and whilst her name and face were plastered all over the newspapers, she was hiding out at her parents, and no one knew she was there.

Dropping back to lie on the bracken, a soft cushion of thick fern, she watched planes leave white trails across the bright blue sky, wishing that she was on one of them flying somewhere, anywhere.  But a holiday was the last thing she could manage as once again she wasn’t working. The Manchester clinic had kept her job open for her, but at the moment she couldn’t bear the thought of returning north.

It was Saturday, the world was full of football, hence her retreat to the hills, because Jack was never more than an inch from her conscious thoughts and seeing him on TV or even hearing his name was all too much. Michelle had just left after a three day visit and she’d forced Erin in a way her parents were too scared, to look at the past. After her initial sympathy and support, Michelle’s attitude had changed.

                “I don’t understand why you left Erin, it’s almost as though you’re blaming Jack for what happened.”

That was completely not what she intended, but she hadn’t actually vocalised her words, she wasn’t able to admit it to herself let alone anyone else.

                “I need space and time.” Was all that Erin felt able to offer and it had angered Michelle.

                “Erin, you know I love you, but I can’t believe that. If you did need space why wouldn’t you tell him? Explain that. Instead you just ran away leaving him floundering. I feel real sympathy for him Erin, he’s suffering.”

                “You’ve seen him?”

Michelle nodded, “your parents have told him he can’t come here at the moment, so he came to me, to see if I knew anything. The man is a wreck; I don’t think he’s slept properly in weeks. But he respects your wishes, that you don’t want to see him, even if he doesn’t understand why. He knows that you need time to recover, and he’s giving you more than you deserve. But it’s not fair. You’re not that person Erin, you’re not a bitch, you need to talk to him.”

Michelle had sat across the room from her, hugely pregnant and beautiful with it, and Erin felt so envious, of everything that her friend had. How could she understand how Erin felt? She’d met Dave and things had been perfect ever since. Life wasn’t easy, they had their rough patches, but on the whole Michelle had a great relationship with him, and now that she was about to have a baby, her life was truly complete.

Erin looked at herself what she had, and it didn’t compare.

                “I can’t talk to him yet Chelle, I’m not ready.”  She didn’t add her next thought that she didn’t think she’d ever be.

When Michelle left the two friends still hadn’t cleared things up completely, and as she sat watching the sun set over the hills to her right, Erin hoped that this relationship wasn’t going to fail too. She needed her best friend more than anything.   But she hadn’t been honest with her, that was the problem, and Michelle knew it.

Could she admit to her friend what she found hard to admit to herself?

A day later Erin had said goodbye to Barney and was driving to London to see her friend.

Michelle only had two weeks before the baby was due so she was off work and nesting. Erin was confident as she knocked her front door that she’d be home. Smiling at the silhouette of her waddling to the door through the frosted glass, the smile became a laugh when Michelle squealed in surprise.

                “I hated leaving things so badly!” She exclaimed, “I’ve hardly slept since I left you!”

Erin pulled her close and kissed the top of her head, “I owe you an explanation, and an apology!”

Her friend smiled, shaking her head, “you don’t owe me anything.”

Sitting on a sofa together, Erin turned to Michelle, “I love him...Jack.”

Michelle laughed, “I think YOU are the only one who didn’t already know that.”

She sighed, “But he doesn’t love me, he abandoned me in a restaurant the first time I challenge him on the future. He only moved me into his because of the baby. Now that it’s gone I’m not staying where I’m not wanted.”

                “He loves you too, I know he does.”

She shook her head, “sorry Michelle, but I don’t believe that. Within days of him leaving me in that restaurant he was out with another blonde, then there’s Betsy!” She explained about the note she found.

                “Talk to him then Erin.”

Erin felt like punching a wall, “I’m not what he wants; I’m never going to be. And I won’t fight for someone, something that is so one sided. I’ve been there before Michelle, married to a man who doesn’t give a shit about me. I won’t see him again just to assuage his guilt. It was only ever a forced relationship, he didn’t want me for me, he was only interested when he knew about the baby. THAT is why I’m not going back.”

Michelle couldn’t answer that, so she merely held her friend as the tears rolled down her face. She believed that Erin was wrong, she’d seen how cut up Jack had been, and she believed his heart was broken, maybe he was only now realising what he had lost. Michelle wanted to throw them together, make them talk. But she owed her friend the only loyalty.

Jack fought with a key, then skulked in through the door. He’d been hammered in golf; the boys had taken great pleasure in it, now he felt worse than when he started the day. It wasn’t dark, but it was far from sunny, so he reached for the light. Dumping his clubs, he wandered lifelessly into the kitchen and opened the fridge, sighing when he spotted a bottle of French beer on one of the shelves.

Cracking it open, he headed into the lounge then lowered himself onto the sofa. As he did, he felt something hard under his thigh, groaning he reached under him and pulled out a silver hairbrush. Erin’s hairbrush. Those tears prickled his eyes again, this place was so empty without her, in the few weeks that she’d lived with him he’d so quickly got used to having someone here in his home, and he’d even accepted that she and the baby would be in his life, in his home forever.

Pinching the bridge of his nose, he threw his head back and sighed, when were things going to start feeling easier? He’d gone out the previous night, celebrating a win with team mates, but his mind wasn’t it that, he had sat alone scowling at any one who tried to attract his attention. He had no interest, in anything. He’d never felt so low.

Coincidentally he was having a great time on the pitch, it seemed his anger and frustration were pushing his game up a notch. The irony.

Draining the bottle of beer he was just reaching for a second when there was a knock at the door. Sighing, he’d lost hope that Erin would arrive here, he wanted to say ‘come home’ but it didn’t seem right, and as he lived in a gated community this was no stranger, he braced himself for yet another do-gooding neighbour offering advice.

Pulling back the door he plastered on a smile, then froze. Stood on his doorstep was the last person he ever imagined seeing, his mother.

Erin was going to stay with Michelle, but her friend didn’t need that strain as she entered the last few weeks of her pregnancy. So she was driving home, late at night, her mind overly active. Michelle had told her in great detail how dreadful Jack had looked when he’d come to her house. He wanted to see her, and she supposed that was a good thing. She just couldn’t get over the fact that before the baby he’d left her in that restaurant without a care, purely because she questioned the future. Yet as soon as she was pregnant he was taking over, controlling. There was no way he’d have invited her into his home without the baby, in fact the first time she’d visited his house had been the day she’d moved in. That was the cold hard fact; nothing he said now could change that.

Feeling tired she pulled into a service station to get a coffee, a hot cup of fresh filter coffee! Taking a sip she was fiddling with her car keys when her phone rang. Pulling it out of her pocket she saw a number she didn’t know. Usually she left them to her answer phone, but today she connected.

                “Hello?”

There was a moments silence before a familiar voice replied, “hey ex-wife! Got myself stuck in a bit of a hole, had a tabloid offer me enough money to bail me out for the dirt on you, seeing as how you’ve snagged yourself someone famous...and we all know there’s lots of that. Unless you want to take it on yourself?”

Never Again - 31

Chapter 31 - time to heal

Jack felt as though he’d been sat waiting for something to happen for days, in reality it was less than twenty four hours. No one seemed concerned that as yet Erin still hadn’t opened her eyes. Her parents had looked exhausted, and after they’d seen her, spoken to the doctors, he gave Peter directions and a key to his home. Whilst they were reluctant to leave, Peter convinced them that they needed some rest, something to eat, then they could relieve Jack later.

They’d bought that, not that he had any intention of leaving her, he’d deal with that lie when he was forced to. But hours later he had presumed she’d wake, or there’d be some positive sign. The doctors and nurses couldn’t give him anymore information other than that she was going in the right direction.

So he sat and waited. It gave him time to think, and re-evaluate everything in his life. For years he’d had things just the way he’d wanted. He was successful, wealthy, and to everyone appeared happy. But now he knew how false that had become. He’d filled his life with instant gratification, he wanted for nothing, but ironically, as he saw here bereft of the baby he’d more than been excited about, Erin’s life in the balance, he realised that the one thing he hadn’t had was someone to share things with, and he now knew he’d found it in her. She’d been distant since she’d moved in, but then she’d been so reluctant to give up her independence, and he’d been so uncaring of that, railroading her into his life, his home.

He hung his head, her lifeless hand still clasped in hers, “if I could turn back the clock I would darling. I’ve been so awful to you...give me the chance to make up for it? Hey?”

It wasn’t the best compromise he’d ever made but it was wholehearted, he wished it was him lying there instead of her, but it wasn’t and he could only be there for when she needed him, prove in that way that he was worth it.

Erin was sore, every part of her ached, especially her head, and her eyes felt as though they were being held closed by ton weights. Voices wafted through the cotton wool that seemed to have replaced her brain.

                “He fell asleep in the waiting room...finally. He’s not left her side since she came here.”

Another voice sighed, “That’s so romantic! I’d love it if any man would do that for me...let alone a man like him!”

Erin wanted to roll her head, deny that it was romantic, fight this sentiment, but she couldn’t move. She couldn’t work out where she was, or what was happening. Her last thought was being at Jack’s, watching TV, he was staying out late, she was tired, and her back was sore.

Suddenly she felt like she was suffocating, she needed to move, to breathe. Using all her energy she tried to move her arms, then with a grunt felt relief when she managed to lift the right one up to her face.

                “Hey Erin?” a voice called to her and she could feel someone move close to her.

Fighting again she managed to peel open an eye and groan, it was so bright.

                “Do you know where you are?”

Her eye had closed again, and she was bewildered, managing a very faint shake of the head.

                “My name is Marie; I’m the nurse looking after you. You came to the University Hospital late last night.”

The voice was soft, kind, but the words sounded like a foreign language, hospital? Suddenly she remembered waking in that huge bed, pain, blood...

She wanted to scream, her eyes opened, but she could do little more than croak.

                “You’ve had us all worried,” Marie offered, “let me get a doctor to check you out, then hopefully we can get you a drink.”

Erin’s terror, fear started to ebb away as fatigue once again washed over her. She wanted to sleep and not wake up.

After what felt like hours but could just as easily have been minutes, she heard Jack and she wanted to cry.

                “Hey Erin. You ok? Don’t tell me you fall back asleep as soon as I arrive...I left your side for half an hour!”

Lethargically she opened her eyes and tried to focus on his face. It lit up into a smile at the sight of her open eyes, but it was the exhaustion, the black bags under his eyes, the haunted, painful look that scared her all over again.

                “Baby?” she breathed trying to moisten her lips with an equally dry tongue, her eyes never leaving his. She saw the pain flicker, the hint of a tear and she couldn’t contemplate what he was hinting at, but what she already knew. When she’d gone to bed the baby had been somersaulting, kicking lumps out of her insides, but lying there she felt nothing. She knew, but she prayed that he’d smile, tell her that everything was ok.

But he didn’t.

                “Sorry Erin, there was nothing anyone could do...”

The wail that met his words chilled the heart of everyone in the vicinity.

Jack punched a wall, despite splitting a knuckle, warm blood oozing onto his fingers; the pain did nothing to replace the pain of the last thirty six hours.  Why was life so unfair? Every time he looked at Erin, devastated, broken Erin, his heard broke all over again. That baby meant everything to her, and now she was fighting with the guilt, the pain, the grief. Not for the first time that day did he want to take that pain for her, to lie there in her place, but he couldn’t.

She was with her parents now, and she’d smiled when she’d seen them come in, smile in a way she hadn’t at her. She blamed him, and to be honest he blamed himself. Not for the loss, that was no one’s fault, but not being there for her, letting her suffer alone, that was his fault.  Dropping his head to the wall, he closed his eyes wishing this nightmare would end.

When he felt a hand on the small of his spine, he turned to see Sara, Erin’s mother, stood there.

                “She’s not pushing you away love, I think it’s just her way of coping, her guilt, you know?”

He shrugged, “I just wish I could make it better.”

Her mother nodded, “me too, but life isn’t like that. You’ve both had a tough blow, but these things make or break. She needs space, but don’t let her push you away too far or you’ll never mend the bridges. Ok?”

Jack smiled, “wise words.” And when Sara smiled he had the feeling that she’d been through exactly the same scenario. With an understanding nod he informed her he was going to get a cup of coffee. He also had to check in with his manager. He had training the following morning. He’d be understanding, he knew that, but he wasn’t sure how accommodating he would be.

                “I can’t face him Mum, tell him to go away, I’ll speak to him another time.”

Her mother refused to be manipulated by Erin, “the man has not left this building in almost two days. Now that you’re not critically unwell you have to see how devastated he is. I know it’s hard love, I don’t know what you’re going through, but I can guarantee one thing, he’s going through it too.”

Erin looked down at her hands, she’d felt so inadequate in Jack’s world, but the baby had given her confidence, for as long as he needed her she had a chance, now without the baby she was looking at losing everything.

Then she felt guilty for thinking of her own losses when her darling baby didn’t make it into the world. And she’d go around and around and around. Jack’s presence only made that worse. He was like an instant reminder of her failure, her loss. She didn’t want to see him, wanted to pretend for a moment that none of this was happening.

Erin had lost all concept of time. Her last memories had been of a quiet Saturday evening spent in front of the TV, any windows around her were blacked out, so she had no idea of night or day, so when they planned to transfer her to another ward she asked what time it was.

“Three pm” meant nothing, so she asked what day, then almost collapsed when the nurse on shift told her in was Tuesday. She’d lost days. Then she glanced across at Jack, despite her ignoring him, he still stayed, sitting with her hour after hour. She feigned sleep, turned away from him, anything other than look at him and see that he shared her hurt. But he’d stayed. She knew he would be needed in training, she couldn’t remember if he was due a midweek game, either way he shouldn’t be here.

                “I’m feeling better now Jack, you can head back home if you want. You look like you need a wash!”

It as a rubbish attempt at a joke, but for Jack it was a great sign. Smiling from his chair he offered, “I have showered, unlike you!”

For a brief moment the humour made them both smile, then a jab of pain deep in her stomach brought reality crashing back. Bracing for a second, she took several deep breaths until her pain eased, then spoke, “Jack, you have commitments, thanks for being here with me, I am grateful for all you’ve done. But you need to get back to your club...”

He shook his head, “what? This has been the worst few days of my life, I’m in no rush to head back, and I want to know that you are safe, and everything is ok first.”

She raised her eyebrows, “I’m on a normal ward now, the doctor’s are happy. You can at least go home catch up, I’m not going anywhere.”

He refused, repeatedly; in the end it was a phone call from his manager that finally spurred him into action. As terrible as he felt, he had to get to training, consult with his manager, then plan things from there.

Everybody was more than sympathetic with him, his manager, normally an ogre, immediately took him into his office to talk. Any man could see how bewildered Jack was, and how exhausted, there was no question of him playing the following weekend, he looked like he needed a week in bed.

As he left the office, the older man reached for his arm, “I know you want to look after your woman Jack, but you need to look after you too, ok?”

Jack nodded, thanked him, then left.

Back at his home, he hated the emptiness; even Barney was gone as Peter had taken him back to farm when he’d left his parents in Manchester. He showered for an age, it was a luxury he hadn’t had in ages, he was shaving when there was a knock at the door. Hurriedly making himself presentable he made it down to the door before the figures retreated. Pulling open the door he smiled to see Scott stood there, a Chinese in one hand, a box of beers in the other.

                “Before you protest, Erin’s parents are with her, Danni is staying with her until visiting closes, and now that she’s on a normal ward, not intensive care you can’t stay after eight o’clock. Me and you are having this food whilst it’s hot, then a few beers, until my wife picks me up. Ok?”

Jack wanted to protest, but he was so tired, Erin resented him, and the thought of slumping into a chair and forgetting everything for a moment was appealing.

Scott barged past him in the direction of the kitchen, “Erin knows, she’s relieved. You’re not letting her down, now crack open a couple of those bottles and I’ll serve up this food.”

An hour later Jack was sitting opposite his friend, distraught, but so pleased to have someone as reliable as Scott. He was almost asleep when Danni turned up, and the petite but dynamic woman insisted Scott stayed the night to look after his friend.

The next morning Jack felt so much happier, after a call to the ward before going to bed, he’d had a good night’s sleep. And if felt amazing, suddenly he needed to see Erin again, tell her how he felt, that she was everything to him, that the last few months his life had finally seemed complete. He was euphoric with how he felt about her.

Before he left for the hospital his agent called him, it was a warning. One of the scum tabloids had a tip off about Erin. The last thing either of them needed was public dissection of all they’d been through. He begged the man to quash it, to do anything he could.

Then he left for the hospital, his bubble somewhat deflated.  Using a staff entrance, he parked under the building then used a back staircase to climb to the fifth floor ward. Bursting into the room wanting to explain about the media interest. It kind of usurped his planned revelations that he loved her, wanted her forever. Instead he had to tell her her worst nightmare, that soon their most personal difficulties would become household news. She’d hate him for that, and he couldn’t begin to imagine how painful that would be for her.

With a sigh he walked up to her bed, ignoring the panic that was slowly rising as his eyes took everything in. He was in denial, he knew that, but he couldn’t avoid the truth, the bed, the room were empty. She’d left.

Never Again - 30

Chapter 30 - feels like the end of the world...

 

Jack had never known panic like it. He’d never known pain like it either. He looked at the pale hand resting in his and sighed. Erin. She’d come to mean so much to him, she held him at arm’s length, fought him in every way, but if she survived this he’d tell her, tell her that he couldn’t live without her.

Every time he closed his eyes he zoomed straight back to that night. How long had his phone sat on the table in front of him connected to hers? He had no idea. All he knew was that as soon as he saw her name on the display, realised that she’d called him he’d lifted the phone to his ear. Then he’d heard it, a sound that cut through the nightclub music, the chatter...everything faded away as that terrifying scream echoed in his ears.

He’d been reluctant to stay out that night, when he’d called her he’d wanted her to ask him to come home, and now he rued that decision. If he’d been there...if he’d heard the call earlier, or even called her...if he’d realised then how much she meant to him. The what ifs were innumerable, and whilst that might seem clichéd, it was true. Every second the taxi took to get him to his home, when he wasn’t trying to call her, when he wasn’t wondering if you could call the police in this situation, he was annoyed with himself for leaving her. He had no idea what had happened, there could be a break-in, a fire, hell it could be anything, but despite all those dreadful thoughts, he knew deep down that it was worse than that, it was the baby.

As the taxi skidded onto the gravel driveway, and Jack threw a wad of cash at the driver, he could hear sirens in the distance. By the time he’d opened the door and ran into the dark hallway, doors were slamming on the vehicles screeching up behind him.

He took the stairs three at a time, screaming Erin’s name almost hysterically, finally reaching her door and kicking it open. When he turned on the light, NOTHING could have prepared him for the sight. She was draped across the bed, face turned to the side table, her hair covering her features, but it wasn’t her face that forced his eyes, the pale duvet, was covered in blood. Not a small amount, a spot here and there, it looked like a horror movie, but it wasn’t it was Erin.

Dropping to his knees, he pulled back her hair and touched her cheek, for a moment he’d wondered if she was dead, but she was warm, and he could feel a faint pulse at her throat.

                “Oh Erin!” he gasped, not knowing what to do. It was at that point a policeman pulled him away from her prostrate body, two paramedics immediately rushed over to her, one hissing into a radio, the other opening a bag and pulling out equipment.

                “Mr Reilly,” Jack suddenly realised that the policeman was talking to him, and he looked away from Erin to meet his eyes. “She called an ambulance, when she wasn’t able to answer the operator. We were only a couple of miles away.”

Jack was bewildered looking between the explaining policeman and the paramedics, “she’s pregnant...” the words caught in his throat, and he almost broke down there.

                “We’ve got an air ambulance on the way, she needs blood asap, this fluid isn’t going to stop her going into hypovolaemic shock.”

The policeman nodded then turned to Jack, “have you got room to land a chopper? We need to light up a landing area.”

Jack was glad to be busy, and the garden lights illuminated enough space for the helicopter, according to the policeman.

The rest was a blur, Erin paler than imaginable tied to a stretcher, being loaded onto the vehicle which then disappeared from view.

                “We’ll give you a lift.” The officers offered, and in a complete daze, he nodded, and followed them out to the car.

They’d flown her to a huge University hospital, he knew she’d get the best care, but the Emergency Room was filled with drunken Saturday night revellers, just what he didn’t need, fortunately the staff led him to a private waiting room, within moments he was signing a consent form for surgery, thought little more than that was explained, and then he was left alone, to pace for what felt like hours. Suddenly he thought about her parents. He should call them, then he realised he didn’t have a number for them.

As he waited for the doctor to update him, trying to locate her parents was a distracting task. Her brother was the answer; he found a listing for Peter Bailey under the website of the business he fronted with his father. It was almost two am, a terrible time to call, but this was as urgent as it got.

                “Hello?” the voice that finally answered was croaky from sleep.

                “Peter, this is Jack Reilly...” What did you say? How did you tell someone that their sister...he couldn’t even think about it.

                “Shit!” he responded before Jack could say anymore. “Is she ok? What’s happened?”

Jack swallowed the lump of emotion that clogged his throat, “she was unconscious...she was bleeding...” He struggled and gulped awkwardly, “I don’t have a number for your parents.”

                “Is she ok?” he asked firmly.

Jack had no answer to that, and voicing the words “I don’t know was his undoing.

Peter was the cool head needed, taking the details, he promised to bring her parents to find him, they were three hours away, and as Peter hung up, Jack had the awful feeling that might be too long.

Shaking his head, angry at his defeatist attitude, he almost jumped when the door to the room opened and a man dressed in blue surgical scrubs stood in front of him.

                “I’m Mr White, Obs on call.” The two men shook hands, “I’m afraid we’ve had a rough ride with Erin.” Jack gulped again. “You knew she had a low lying placenta, the paramedics fed that on, but basically, the placenta detached. It’s called an abruption.” He then explained that normally when the placenta detaches the uterus contracts and the interface which he described as an open wound is closed. Hers happened whilst the baby was still inside her, so nothing could contract and hence the bleeding.”

                “Is she ok?” that was his only concern, to know that she’d be there when he walked into the room.

Mr White sighed, “She’s lost a lot of blood, she’s being transferred to ITU as we speak, we need to stabilise her blood volume, if we do that then she should pull through. When you lose a lot of blood it can be difficult to replace.” He looked at his hands before looking back at Jack, “and I’m sorry the baby didn’t survive.”

Jack nodded, she’d been inconsolable, she’d so desperately wanted that baby. He sighed, so had he, but if they’d given him a choice he’d have asked them to save her every time. “Can I see her?”

Nodding the man made for the door, “she’ll be settled very shortly, I’ll send a nurse to escort you.” 

Jack was still pacing, it was hard to believe a few hours ago he’d been sat in a nightclub celebrating scoring a hat trick, now he was here and all that he knew was gone. The confidence, the comfort that his new home life had afforded him was all gone. It was replaced with fear and confusion, he’d never felt so distraught, so helpless and so scared in his life before.

When the nurse finally arrived, blushing when she so obviously realised who ‘Mr Reilly’ was, he fought every step that took him to reality, an injured, sick Erin, and no baby. Shaking his head he once again tried to swallow the ball of emotion that choked him. He’d never let him care about anyone, or anything, and as a result he was overwhelmed with it all, he had no idea how to deal with this situation. All he could do was follow the nurse like a man heading for a firing squad.

He hated hospitals, always had, the smell, the hushed silence that echoed around the hospitals. It was so ironic, but it reminded him of visiting his mother after one of her many miscarriages as a child. He instantly beat away that memory, his childhood pain had no place here in Erin’s pain.

Jack had reached almost thirty without ever setting foot inside an ICU, and he never wanted to visit one again. It was so intimidating, sterile, almost heartless. He was used to faces staring at him, people often took a glance or two until they identified how they knew him, but here there was pity behind the eyes, they all knew the hell he was in the midst of.

And there she was, in a bed, eyes closed, face as white as the sterile sheets that covered her, her glossy hair was dank, limp, tangled in knots, and every inch of her was still, too still.

                “Mr Reilly?” a male nurse probably in his forties smiled at him. “I’m Malcolm, and I’m looking after Erin, can I explain all that’s going on?”

He nodded, listening intently as Malcolm talked her through the various machines, leads, wires and alarms. It was complicated, and whilst he wanted nothing more than to place his hands over his head and shout “la-la-la-la-la-la” to block it all out, like a five year old.

                “Is she awake?” he finally asked.

Malcolm shrugged, “she was sedated for the operation, and was on a ventilator, but the doctors removed that about half an hour ago. At the moment she’s stable, she’ll wake up once the drugs leave her system, but because of the loss of fluids, it may take time to all right itself. Until then, we’ll keep a really close eye on her. Have a seat.” He gestured towards a seat and smiled at him, “talk to her if you like, she’ll likely hear you. I’m just going to get some medication from the stockroom; the other nurses will listen out ok?”

Jack’s nod was a mute reply. He was struggling to deal with all this, and he had a sudden urge to see his mother. That shocked him, and ignoring it, he sat down and took Erin’s hand.

                “Erin, darling. I wish I could take this away for you, make it all good.” As he looked at her serene face the tears he’d fought all night started to fall, and he didn’t think they’d stop. His head bowed, her hand on his cheek he sat there letting the tears course down his face with no shame for longer than he thought possible. Then a hand reached in front of him offering him a tissue. With a laugh he shook his head, using a sleeve to wipe his eyes.

Turning to Malcolm he gave a sad smile, “how do these women reduce you to tears? Hey?”

The nurse gave a similar smile, “they do that. If you want to go take a break, you can leave me a number. I can call you back if anything changes. Ok?”

But Jack wasn’t keen to leave just yet.

An hour later a receptionist came across to the bed space, “Ms Bailey’s parents are here...”

Malcolm looked up, “want me to go explain everything to them?”

Jack thanked him, “I’ve got to face up to them at some point. Let’s just say I’m not ideal son-in-law material!”

As he stepped into the waiting room six eyes spun to look at him, and from their reaction he imagined he must look like shit. Sara’s face, already white, dropped with fear and she rushed over to him, her father couldn’t even look angry at him anymore, he was himself grey. Peter was the only one with any composure.

                “How is she?”

Jack sighed, “she’s been in theatre, she lost a lot of blood, they stabilised her, but she’s being monitored here...she’s unconscious still...”

                “And the baby?” her mother whispered. Then she moaned, a painful sound as she saw him shake his head, drop his eyes. For Jack it was the final straw, and when Sara’s understanding arms wrapped around him, he collapsed against her with a desperation he’d never felt before.

Never Again - 29

Chapter 29 - what's happening?

 

Erin sighed, anything she said to this woman was a betrayal of Jack she couldn’t imagine him giving her any answers. “Mrs Reilly, I really don’t feel I should say too much to you without Jack being here.”

                “Hmmm, so he’s told you that he rarely speaks to us?” It was a little difficult to decipher such a broad accent, “he’s been troubled since he was a young boy, and it’s always been our fault...he’s a difficult man.”

Erin sank into a seat and stretched her legs, this woman was going to become a grandmother in a few months, and she deserved to know that. But it wasn’t that easy, “I don’t want to betray his confidence Mrs Reilly, as much as I’d love to talk to you, strike up some dialogue, I’d feel like I was undermining him. I hope you understand.”

The older woman sighed, “of course. But it was interesting to talk to you anyway, you seem sensible. I hope we get chance to speak again.”

With that she hung up, and it left Erin to her own thoughts, already his mother was seeing her as the person to bridge the gap between him and his family, and as presumptuous as the hint was, this baby would be a part of their lives too, and if nothing else the baby deserved family, grandparents. It was only fair.

Groaning, still none the wiser; she started to make herself some lunch, the radio tuned into live commentary.

It was a lot later that evening that she broached the issue with Jack. They were sat on the sofa having eaten a Chinese take-away, he’d come home straight from the game not wanting a repeat of the previous weekends hangover.

                “Your mother called today.”

If she’d thrown a drink in his face the reaction would have been less intense. He was furious. More than that even. Glaring at her, she could tell he was struggling to contain his anger.

                “I don’t want you speaking to her.” He managed after a few calming deep breaths.

Erin was prepared for this, she’d gone through the scenario several times in her head, he’d hate it, but frankly it wasn’t his decision.

                “I appreciate how you feel, but this baby will be a grandchild to them and they deserve to know.”

He scowled, “I don’t interfere when your father thinks I’m ten types of bastard, I don’t mix in YOUR family issues, so leave mine alone!”

Erin shook her head, “on the contrary, when I was going to my parents YOU insisted on coming, you took me away from there. You have interfered in every decision in my life since you ran over my dog, so don’t make out that your life is sacred and mine is open to anyone’s opinion. You are a hypocrite Jack Reilly of the highest order. I WILL tell your mother tomorrow...I didn’t today, but tomorrow when she calls back I’m going to tell her I’m having your baby, with or without your ‘blessing’!”

With that she stormed out of the room, leaving him to dwell on that.

Jack hadn’t slept, he’d spent the night punching his pillow and staring at the clock...he had a lot to think about, and despite trying to avoid it, his mother, his future, Erin, all merging into a dream that became a nightmare. The past, his family, home in Ireland, they were places he never visited physically or emotionally, but now Erin was forcing that hand.  And he hated it. In the end he got up at four am, the guest room he’d slept in since Erin had taken on his room wasn’t comfortable, and he didn’t have all his things close to hand. So he got up and headed to the kitchen, a drink might make it easier.

When he entered the kitchen he froze, sat on a stool at the breakfast bar was Erin, a mug of hot milk in front of her.

                “Couldn’t sleep?”

He shook his head trying to hide his surprise.

She nodded, “me too...”

He poured a glass of milk then sat next to her, “I kept going over all you said. I shouldn’t have let you leave the room on an argument.”

She appeared to be looking at him, listening to him, but suddenly her face glassed over and she was a million miles away.

                “Erin?”

She shook her self and then smiled at him, “I couldn’t sleep because of the baby, it’s wriggling!”

Jack felt as though he’d been punched in the gut, torn between felling ecstatic at the thought, and petrified. “Really?”

She nodded, “I’m only nineteen weeks, apparently this is early, but I’m sure now. It’s been happening all evening.”

When he glanced back at Erin she was smiling at him, “Do you want to see if you feel?” When he nodded in a confused way, she took his hand and held it low over her belly. He was amazed at how firm it felt, he’d always associated her with soft gentle curves, her hard slightly distended stomach was anything but, and then he felt it, a flutter? Or maybe a wriggle. He’d struggle to describe it, but it was more than Erin, more than her body. For the first time he knew that there was a little something growing in her, and that was mind blowing.

Erin smiled at Jack, bewildered, confused Jack, she was growing to know, and love, every side of him. He was trying to smile but wasn’t quite achieving his goal. Fear seemed greater.

                “It’s all so real.” He sighed, “it wasn’t, not really, not until now.”

She nodded, “it’s scary, but brilliant.” Reaching for his hands, she smiled. “It’s special, and that’s why your mother, your father, they need to know about him or her. Don’t you see that?”

Jack groaned, “I don’t want to see them Erin, I have no interest, but I don’t mind you speaking to them, that’s ok by me, I shouldn’t have been so heavy handed earlier. I apologise for that.”

Erin swiped a hand dramatically, to her head in faux shock, “an apology? From Jack Reilly? This is a night of revelations!”

Then Jack watched her disappear back to bed.

If Mrs Reilly, Mary, was surprised to hear from Erin the next day, she hid it well. Jack deliberately left the house after breakfast, joining Scott at the golf range to “hit lumps out of dozens of balls”.  Erin knew this was him hiding from things, but it was a small step forward, and she was glad of that at least.

Mary, his mother, seemed very unsurprised to hear that she was pregnant, not that she wasn’t supportive, pleased, or even enthusiastic. There were awkward moments when Jack was mentioned, after all he was the link between them, but without spelling out that he was refusing to speak to them, his mother seemed to understand.

There was no promises made, but Erin knew she would keep in touch with them.

Things were easier over the next few days. Erin and Jack had rekindled their symbiotic relationship. They were back to being friends, of a fashion.

                “I don’t like leaving you.” Jack was filling his bag ready for an overnight trip to the south coast. When he saw her rolling her eyes in the reflection in the mirror above his bed, he turned to stare at her, she was sat cross legged in the chair in the corner of the room watching him intently, Barney already breaching the ‘never going upstairs’ rule.

She tossed him the socks she’d sorted from the pile of clean washing in front of her, “I’ll be fine. Honest!”

                “But you’re on your own. What if...”

She smiled, pulling herself to her feet, “What if nothing! I’m not an invalid and I’m not that useless...or lonely.”

Jack laughed, “I’m not insinuating that there’s anything wrong with you...or that you can’t cope...but I worry how I’m going to cope not being here for you. My weaknesses, ok?”

She stretched, and nodded before turning to leave the room, hiding the smile that he felt that way.

By the time she’d bathed, dressed, let Barney run riot, there was barely time to speak to Michelle before bed time. She was hardly struggling to fill her days; she only wondered how she’d managed to fit work into the equation. But she felt refreshed and as relaxed as she ever had, she couldn’t do any more to protect this baby, she knew that.

The following morning she had a call from Danni, she’d seen her a few times since she’d taken her for coffee after revealing her secret to Jack. And whilst they weren’t best friends, Erin appreciated her. And she loved the twins! After a morning of the two toddlers climbing all over her and playing games, she was glad to get home for the game. It was live on TV, so she made some lunch and sat watching it, smiling every time Jack was on screen.

For Erin, things were going well finally, her and Jack were getting on, despite a few arguments, and despite him being so controlling, she was feeling better than she had in weeks, the only downside was the rift with her father. Her mother called her that evening, and Erin could tell that she was being spoken to from outside the home, a sneaky phone call not wanting to upset her father. And that rankled her more than anything.

                “Mum, I hate this subterfuge, and the insinuation that I’m a dirty secret phone call.”

Her mother sighed, “Erin, your father will come around...”

                “Well he’d better Mum, because this is happening! And the way things are he’ll be left out of it all permanently.”

And Erin was glad to see Jack walk in through the door that evening. She was curled up on the sofa, watching Sunday night TV when he appeared like an oasis in the desert. Smiling up at him it seemed natural when he came across and bent forward to kiss her on the cheek.

                “You look great!” He offered as he uncoiled to his full height again. “Really healthy!”

She smiled, “it’s been a cathartic weekend...there are cold beers in the fridge.” As he smiled appreciatively and made for the kitchen, she continued, “I told your mother, I know you hate that, but I did, then there was lunch with the Millward girls...which was fun, and it ended with me telling my mother that she needed to sort out my father or he was off my Christmas card list!”

When there was no answer she glanced up to see him leaning against the doorway that led to the kitchen, a contemplative look on his face, “you’re really happy with all that?”

She nodded, “I am, this baby is more important that everything, isn’t it?”

Jack looked at her, content, homely, happy, and he realised that she was right, his life before finding out about the baby was carefree and almost decadently indulgent, but he didn’t miss any of it. Coming home to find his family here, settled in his house. It was all that he wanted. Grinning, he nodded.

                “You are SO right!”

The next weekend Jack was playing at home, but despite his requests that she come and watch it, meet people again, she stayed home. For Erin she had no interest in being branded Jack Reilly’s ‘woman’, she was herself. The media frenzy part of his life was of no interest to her. It was all too familiar to her time with Max, him centre of attention, Golden Boy, her being the poor companion. It was an instant put down and she hated the thought of it. It was almost a one way trip to a part of her past she hated revisiting.

She knew she’d have to deal with it at some point. But she was in no rush.

So she stayed home alone. Over the last four months she’d become a real recluse, but she was enjoying her own company and her own time, it was a relief not having to ‘be’ someone else. Barney accepted her, warts and all, as would this baby...and usually her parents, the latter were out of the picture, so she appreciated her time with the other two in great detail.

                “Are you sure you don’t mind? I won’t be late...It’s just a huge win...” his voice was so pleading, so desperate not to upset her that she laughed. He’d called her from the club where the sounds of celebration were more than audible. It was early in the season, but 5-0 was a score worth celebrating any time of the year.

                “Of course I don’t mind! Go out! Have fun! I’m fine, promise.”

                “I won’t be late.”

Erin giggled, “Jack! I am not your mother! Have fun, and don’t worry about us, ok?”

As she hung up she smiled, he had completely turned around, this baby meant a lot to him, she was still unsure where she fitted in, and the name Betsie still appeared in her mind at her low moments, though they were fewer and far between the last few weeks.

After watching a film, Wedding Date a real romcom, she felt tired, it was only ten, but she was ready for bed. Climbing the stairs, she collapsed into the large white bed that was more comfortable than any she’d ever had.

She felt groggy when her eyes opened, and for a moment she was unable to work out what had woken her. Then she felt it, lancing pain. She pulled back the duvet; almost expecting to see her stomach ripped open...it wasn’t of course. She tried to sit up, but could barely breathe for the pain. Reaching for her phone, she dialled Jack.

It rang, and rang, and rang. When it finally connected all she could hear was loud music and giggling...female giggling.

                “JACK!” she screamed, “COME HOME!” Hoping he heard her.

As the pain suddenly intensified and she could feel warmth spreading between her legs, she realised she was bleeding again...a lot... Reaching for her phone again, she pressed 999, but as she clutched at her stomach, the room was getting darker, and swirling as she heard the phone connect.

                “Emergency Services, which service do you require?”