Trying Not to Love You - Part Twenty Nine

Chapter Twenty Nine

Martha had never experienced panic like that very moment. She’d always feared her two worlds colliding, and had no idea how she’d manage it, but nothing had prepared her for the fact that it would be Sonny that caused it to happen. She tried to read his eyes, his expression but he was like a stone wall. Suddenly it all seemed so sordid, so dirty, and she hated that. Ethan wasn’t something she was embarrassed about; she'd kept him as a secret to protect him, that was all. She had to make him see that.

                “What are you doing here?”

He shrugged, “so THIS is Ethan?” he half asked, though it wasn’t a question.

In that moment she realised she must have slipped up, mentioned him the night before, it was even worse than she’d imagined. She didn’t regret the way she had managed things, she hated it, but everything she did was for the best, she had to believe that. She want’ sure that anyone else would understand or agree. But it was a risk she’d taken. Of course he’d follow her, he wasn’t one to leave stones unturned, he would want to know everything. He’d obviously followed her, and she was angry at that, a bit, but then this moment was always inevitable, and she was relieved that she didn’t have to lie anymore. But he was glowering at her, angry, impatient, and she knew she only had a quick moment to tell him her side of things.

She opened her mouth to speak, then suddenly realised that Ethan had disappeared.

                “Shit!” Glancing left to right, she could just make out the yellow of an ice cream van in the distance through some trees. “Got to find him.” She offered at Sonny before sprinting in the direction that she’d last seen Ethan travel in.

She was overtaken by Sonny who was obviously faster than her, and when she rounded the corner it was to see Sonny down on one knee talking to Ethan. Ethan was crying, he’d never been that far from her when they were out like this, he must have scared himself. He’d scared her, this was such a big place, and who knew what or who was around the next corner. Since becoming a mother, losing Ethan was her most terrifying nightmare.

Stopping a few feet away, she bent down to catch the little man as he hurtled at her, “sorry Mum. I ran too fast.”

She smiled stroking his hair, trying to hide her shaking hand, “you did. You know you must always be able to see me when we’re out of the house.”

He nodded, biting his bottom lip, tears still in his eyes.

                “Do you want that ice cream little man?”

They both looked up at Sonny who stood watching them, his emotions hidden, a friendly smile on his lips.

                “Would you darling? This man is Mummy’s friend, say hello to Sonny.” Ethan looked up with a guarded expression, and Sonny smiled at him.

                “Pleased to meet you, you must be Ethan.” The little boy nodded then smiled as Sonny extended a hand which he enthusiastically shook. “So you want that ice cream?”

After a glance at his mother who gave a reassuring smile, he nodded enthusiastically, then when Sonny extended a hand, he took it and started to explain just what ice cream he wanted as they walked towards the van.

As Ethan reappeared with a fully loaded ice cream, a grin on his face, they walked to a bench and the three sat down, Ethan between the two adults.

                “I need to explain...”

Sonny looked up hearing her voice and shook his head, “not now.”

As the two males talked about everything, Martha felt almost left out for a moment, she hated that Sonny had no male influence in his life, not that she wanted his father involved, but as she watched Ethan’s face light up as he talked to Sonny about football and cars, she felt pain in the realisation that she wasn’t enough for him, despite her best attempts, she couldn’t be everything to him.

It was a while until she realised Sonny was shivering, but then he had on a Harrington jacket, a t-shirt and a pair of jeans and today was not a warm November day.

                “You look freezing cold,” she offered.

He looked up and shrugged, “last two winters I’ve not needed a coat, bit of an oversight. But then didn’t expect to sit on a bench for over an hour.” His teeth were starting to chatter.

In that moment he was as vulnerable and powerless as Ethan, and her maternal instinct kicked in, they had a hell of a lot to talk about, and she knew Sonny wouldn’t pull his punches, but she didn’t want him being ill through exposure on her conscience.

                “Shall we show Sonny your new remote control car?” She offered and when he nodded, all three stood and made their way back to Stephanie’s town house.

Martha’s home was a self contained basement flat within Stephanie’s house, when she wasn’t there, Ethan spent most of his time upstairs with her godmother, but as Stephanie was out, they were happy to go back to their cosy home. She’d spent every spare penny decorating it and to her it was comfortable, and homely...and full of toys.

                “I’ll put the heating on,” she offered as she opened the door and made straight for the kitchen to turn on the coffee machine.

Sonny was stood in the lounge looking at the little snippet of Martha’s life, all that he knew about her was wrong and he didn’t know how that made him feel. He loved her, he’d never felt so protective, so devoted to anyone in his life before. But that was all a lie, it was all lies, and that tore a pain right through him. But more than that, it was the realisation that she’d lied to her father, to her friends, and probably even to that darling little boy.  He was finding it hard to process everything, and he was glad of the enthusiastic chatter of Ethan to break up the silence. He’d never had a lot of toys growing up, his mother wasn’t that sort of woman, and then in the children’s home, well what wasn’t broken was stolen.

Ethan had disappeared into his bedroom again to retrieve something he called is ‘Sleep Dog’, and Martha took the moment to address Sonny, “I won’t apologise for keeping him secret.”

His laugh was ironic, “didn’t expect you to.”

                “You’re angry with me.”

He laughed again, “more than you could ever realise.”

She gulped at that, suddenly dreading Ethan going to bed. When she’d arrived earlier she’d wanted to spend every waking hour with her little boy, now Sonny was thrown into that mix and it was so difficult.

He sat there watching everything, not commenting, just watching. And Ethan loved him; they spent two hours playing with a Scalextric set, racing each other. Martha wanted to cry, and as she made them both dinner, pizzas, Ethan’s favourite, her heart was well and truly in her mouth.

After a bath, Ethan demanded a story from Sonny; the man was bemused but read The Red Chuffing Engine nervously, as Ethan climbed onto his lap and listened intently. It tore her up to see them together, no awkwardness between them. Whether he knew it or not, Sonny was someone who kids loved, she’d seen it before. He didn’t fuss, didn’t talk down to Ethan, and her son loved him for that.

Whilst it was difficult, this was far better than the confrontation that she knew was coming.. And as much as she wanted to put it off, not have to explain herself to him, time was ticking on, and all too soon she couldn’t deny Ethan’s bedtime any longer.

“Come on Sleepy head. Time for bed!”

“Oh MUM!” He looked up from his place beside Sonny on the sofa. “I don’t want to.”

She held out a hand, “come on cherub.”

It was then he started to cry, and when she scooped him up in her arms he buried his face in her neck sobbing, “you’re never here when I wake up!”

“I’ll be here tomorrow; I told you that, I’m staying until tomorrow night, ok?”
She stroked his hair as she carried him into his bedroom, then lay beside him for a few minutes, he was exhausted and it didn’t take long for him to drift off.  Leaving the room she hid in the bathroom for a few moments, she was on the verge of tears, Ethan’s sadness had distressed her more than she anticipated.  She still had to face Sonny.

When she re entered the lounge Sonny was pacing, this was what she’d avoided all day, the confrontation. 

                “I’m sorry...” she started hating that her voice was quaking, but if she expected sympathy or understanding, she was wrong, instead he turned on her with fury in his eyes.

                “Sorry? You’re apologising to me?” he slammed his hand against his thigh in anger. “There are so many things you should be sorry for, but I’m nowhere being important on that list. I did think we were friends, and I hate that everything we’ve ever shared has been a lie, but that’s my tough luck, I just need to get over it. There’s a reason why I don’t trust people, you just snuck under my defences. And I will get over it. But that kid...” he rolled his eyes in the air, then stared at her again, “that little boy was terrified going to bed because he thought you’d be gone when he woke up.”

He wanted to pace but he had to keep watching her, desperate to see her reaction, hoping for honesty, “for six months you’ve been back at the farm, ninety percent of your time. And all the while you had a son, here, missing you EVERY day.”

Sighing he wiped a hand over his face, “I mean I wondered why you rushed back to London so much, but it was never enough. Poor Ethan! You have abandoned him, left him alone, probably crying himself to sleep EVERY night because the person who is supposed to protect him isn’t there. All that just to spend this time with your father?”

She nodded, “and I’d do it that way again. My father needed me.”

                “YOUR SON NEEDED YOU!” He didn’t want to shout, but she was being so stupid over all this. “Your father is a grown man, so his business may have struggled, but really...” His head snapped up and he stared at her, “he doesn’t even know, that he’s a grandfather?”

She shook her head, “it was easier that way.”

Now he had to pace, every cell in his body was ready to explode, “you’re embarrassed...of Ethan?”

Moving to stand in front of him, she stopped his constant moving, “of course not. He’s the greatest thing that has happened to me, and he’s the best child I could have hoped for.”

                “Then you don’t trust your Dad? Or you Aunt?”

                “Of course not!” She stepped up to him, wanting to push him out of her home.

                “So why is he your sordid little secret then? Why doesn’t he come with you, what possible reason could there be for making your son feel like an unloved second class citizen?”

Tears of frustration threatened at her eyes and she blinked furiously, “that’s YOU Carter, don’t compare him to YOU, how you feel, what you’ve been through. This is different. He stays here with my godmother, he’s safe, he’s loved.”

                “HOW DO YOU KNOW?” He took a deep breath again calming himself, “he was distraught just now, and yeah, I DO know how that feels, and there’s no way on this earth that you can ever make me understand how you could willingly traumatise him like that. And poor bloody Carl. He will be devastated...”

                “You can’t tell him!” She grabbed his arm. “You seem to think that this is easy for me, it’s not. It’s hard. REALLY hard.”

                “So take him back with you tomorrow.”

She shook her head, “I can’t.”

Sonny couldn’t fathom her, couldn’t make any sense of this, “It’s hard, but you can change it.”

                “I’m scared ok.”

He stared at her, and he could see that more than her anxiety and pain that his words were causing, there was fear in her eyes too. “Scared?”

She nodded, “Scott...he’s Ethan’s father.”

Sonny felt as though he’d had a bazooka to the stomach; it had been hard enough to ignore the thought of Oldbury touching her being close to her, but to think that Ethan was his child. He staggered a little then lowered himself to the sofa. Of course her son was his, she wasn’t a loose woman, he guessed the boy was four, maybe more, she’d been gone five years. It all made sense.

                “He can’t hurt him,” he offered.

She laughed at that and he hated the harshness of the sound, that she as so cynical, “like Scott Oldbury plays by the rules. Who knows what he would do? I don’t. He may hate Ethan, not care about him, but to be honest, the only reason Scott is angry at me, why he constantly wants revenge is that I left him, I was the one who walked away. So you think the fact that I kept Ethan from him will not affect him? Do you think us turning up would have no effect? Cos I KNOW him Carter, I saw what he did...” she shook her head blocking out the images that she saw whenever she closed her eyes. “He doesn’t care about anyone, he has no consequence and there’s no one who could stop him stealing my baby, and that’s what he is MINE, the trauma that I went through to have him...well it’s MY pain, MY body and he’s MY life.”

He had never seen her so emotionally raw, so strained, but he couldn’t let up.  “But there are other ways, there are always other options. You’re right I am remembering my childhood, and it was hell. NO one deserves that, every tear that boy cries for you is a tear too many and there’s no way you can make me think differently. Between us we can keep him quiet, off the radar.”

                “It would be impossible,” she was getting more and more distressed, he should stop pushing her, but his own anger was threatening to spill over. “He'd find out, then he would take him, this way I don’t see him much for a few months, but your way I might lose him forever. You’re a betting man Carter, you must understand that these were the most workable odds.”

He shook his head, “I can’t believe that. And the man isn’t the bloody legend you seem to think he is, he’s a middle aged idiot, he’s not got half the power you think he has. I mean if he takes Ethan where’s he going to go? His life is dominated by his businesses, he’s tied financially and geographically. He can’t go far.” She shook her head and had started to shake, this was beyond rational fear for her son’s future, this was REAL fear.

                “What are you so scared of Martha? Why are you allowing him to do this to you? You broke the engagement with him, that was the end.”

She shook her head, “it wasn’t the end was it, because look at me now living like this, he’ll ALWAYS have power over me, but as long as he doesn’t know about Ethan he can’t hurt me. And I will do ANYTHING in my power to prevent that.”

“I won’t let him hurt you!”

“You and him hate each other, if you’re around his son he’d DEFINITELY take him, can’t you see that.”

Sonny stood again, his life, the rejection he’d faced at so many points made him hate this situation, he couldn’t and wouldn’t understand her choices, her reasons. And the whole thing was smothering him. He lived a tight equilibrium where he managed to keep the demons of his past away, if he carried on, pursued this argument he’d open a whole can of worms that he wasn’t ready to deal with.

He gripped each of her upper arms, forced her to look at him, “I can’t do this Martha, I’m sorry but I can’t pretend that I understand, because I can’t. You severed ties years ago, yet you’re succumbing to him without him even knowing about it. I think you’re wrong, I think Ethan deserves better. I have to go, I need fresh air.” reaching for his coat he made for the door.

                “Deserves better? Does he deserve to know that after I called off our engagement Scott found me?” Sonny immediately saw the pain and the turmoil in her eyes. As he stared she started to cry, “does he deserve to know that he beat me within an inch of my life?”

Sonny felt real physical pain as she sobbed the words, “does he need to know that he raped me? Do you think Ethan needs to know that he is the product of that night? I have spent MY LIFE protecting him, I’ve isolated us from everyone who loves us purely to keep him safe, so don’t you DARE tell me I don’t put him first.” 

Trying Not to Love You - Part Twenty Eight

Chapter Twenty Eight

Sonny hadn’t slept, and at night with only himself for company his mind was ridiculously over active. Ethan that name haunted him, along with the devastated look on her face as she admitted to missing him. It was the last thing he expected to hear, and he didn’t know what to make of it. The thought of her loving someone else hurt him, and until then he’d honestly thought that she was playing with him, maybe that she didn’t think he was good enough for her, but at no point had he thought that she was leading a double life, that she had someone else.

It all made sense now, the fact that she was adamant that she was leaving at some point, that her time here was temporary, her disappearances back to London so frequently. Then there was those times that he’d seen her so distraught after travelling home. How had he never realised that she was living two lives? And why wasn’t she open and honest with everyone about this Ethan? If he was the love of her life why didn’t she bring him with her?

Nothing made sense, but then Martha was like that; since she’d arrived in town she’d been driving him crazy on every level. His reaction to her ramblings just meant that he travelled in circles, rethinking, his mind overactive despite his exhausted body. So he’d paced, he’d sat, he’d tried to sleep. But it was no use. Ironically it was almost six am when his eyes finally closed. When he woke there was a commotion coming from downstairs.

In just his jogging bottoms he rubbed his eyes as he entered the kitchen, to see Carl arguing with Martha.

                “Ah, Sonny, you can make her see sense, tell her she had too much to drink last night, there’s no way she can drive to London.”

Sonny shrugged, “you were pretty drunk, it’s a bit of a risk. Can’t you get the train?”

Martha had hoped to avoid him, she couldn’t remember coming home, but had woken up in her bed, Sonny had a knowing look on his face which made her think she’d made a bit of a fool of herself, she didn’t want to think about that, and the last thing she wanted was a dissection of her behaviour from the town tart. She shook her head, thinking like that, being nasty was defensive, and her real fear was that she’d thrown herself at him in lonely desperation. Avoiding him and her family was exactly what she’d planned, and she’d hoped to be in her car heading off to her darling Ethan to lick her wounds, before anyone else woke up. Instead she had to deal with a half naked specimen studying her intently, why did he have to be so overtly sensual? Why was she so attracted to him?

Shaking her head she snapped in anger, “Right! I’ll get the bloody train, and I’m not coming back tonight, the restaurant is closed and you can all look after yourselves, I’m not being your slave today.”

As she stormed out of the room, the two men looked at each other and gave a knowing smile, before Carl added, “women, hey?”

Sonny smiled, Carl was right women were a whole different species,  and he thought he was quite good with them, understood them, but not Martha, she was a bloody enigma, and he was more concerned with finding out what she was up to as her behaviour the last couple of days was out of character. Following her upstairs, he knocked her bedroom door, and when there was no answer he pushed it open. She had her back to him and was rifling through the wardrobe throwing things into a bag that sat at her feet.

                “Martha.” She froze when she heard his voice.

                “Leave me alone Carter, I’m not in the mood for this.”

He sighed, drunk the previous night she’d called him Sonny, he loved the sound of his name on her lips...though the only other time she’d used his name had been at the height of passion, and he couldn’t think of that now, he wasn’t made of steel. “What’s wrong? Why are you so angry, so wound up?”

She shrugged, she still hadn’t turned around, “guess I’m just hung over and don’t like being dictated to like a twelve year old.”

                “Your father’s just worried...”

She spun around, “and you’re the expert are you? What would you know?”

Pain lanced through him for that split second and he hated that she would use his own inner demons against him, for she was right, he had no experience of families, or parents. He shook his head, “bloody hell Martha don’t pull your punches will you?”

Martha grimaced, “I meant who made you an expert on my Dad...”

                “As opposed to not really having any experience of a father at all?”

She had the decency to blush, to look po-faced, “you know I wouldn’t say that.”

He rolled his eyes, “look last night...”

She held up a hand, “Carter I can’t do this, I WAS drunk last night, and I can only apologise if I said of did anything out of place. Things have really got on top of me, I need to get away, I need a break. Ok?”

When he didn’t make any effort to move out of her room, she threw her toiletries into the top of her bag and barged past him.

Locked in the bathroom Martha propped herself up on the sink and stared at her pale face in the mirror, she wished she remembered the previous night, she had a hint that she’d crossed the line with Sonny, and that wasn’t on, it wasn’t fair to lead him on, and she couldn’t drop her guard again.

After a quick drink and a clean of her teeth, she marched downstairs, waved a hasty goodbye, then headed for bus stop, a bus that would take her to the station.

Sonny watched her walking off into the distance from his bedroom window, and shook his head. He had wanted to challenge her over this Ethan, but she looked so weak, so needy, so vulnerable that he didn’t have it in him. Now he was even more frustrated. If she had another man he wanted to know about it. At least then he could get over her, move on...the fact that she was lying to him, a supposed friend hurt him, but then she was obviously lying to her family too. That was something that surprised him, but then he was starting to realise that like the rest of the world, innocent and good Martha had her own secrets, her own skeletons.

If he got changed really quickly, could he get on the same train as her? Trail her for the day? Was that crossing a line?

Sonny didn’t care. He had to get to the bottom of this, and there was only one way to do that.

Three hours later he felt like Magnum PI, he’d got a taxi to the station then slipped on to the back of the train at the very last moment. Sitting the opposite end of the train he had just prayed she wouldn’t see him. In Euston station he’d managed to track her through the crowds and down to the tube, getting onto the same south bound Victoria line train moments before the doors closed. He then had to hide from her, but still note when she was disembarking. Green Park was the answer, then she almost ran for the Piccadilly line, and two stops later rushed off up to Knightsbridge. She’d mentioned her godmother was loaded, but he hadn’t imagined her heading to such an exclusive address. Now he was sat on a bench in a small park opposite the huge town house she’d disappeared into half an hour earlier.

His next question was did he knock the door, announce his arrival, or stake out for a bit longer?

With Ethan’s arms around her neck and his smell permeating her nostrils, it was easy for Martha to forget the trauma of the last twenty four hours. The previous evening, and this morning she’d really lost the plot, and she was only really surprised that she’d managed to last five months without breaking down. Ethan wouldn’t leave her side, he missed her as much as she missed him, she knew that, and whilst she was here she didn’t want him out of her sight.  Stephanie was out; she always left as soon as Martha came back, after all her life was on hold to look after Ethan too.

                “Can we go to the park? Aunty Steph left bread for the ducks.”

Fresh air was a good shout, so she nodded, “it’s getting cold though, winter’s coming, you’ll have to wear your new hat and your gloves, ok?”

He stood with his hand on his hip, a direct copy of how she stood and asked, “How can I feed the ducks with gloves on?”

He was so like her it was unreal, shaking her head she laughed, “we’ll find a way.”

Grabbing the paper bag full of stale crusts and their warm coats, she led him out of the house and down the steps. Hyde Park was less than a ten minute walk away, so with linked hands they walked up the street singing Ethan’s current favourite song, London’s Burning, he loved the round with Martha singing two lines behind him, and as they walked along the broad pavement, Ethan had a skip in his step.

Sonny wondered if his jaw had actually hit the floor. He was about to cross the road, hammer at the door and confront her before he got arrested, or froze to death, he’d been sat on the same bench for over an hour, he was so under prepared for life, but in his defence he had spent most of the last two winters in prison, so the fact that he didn’t have a decent coat was to be expected, when the door had opened, and she’d come out. The pale, haggard woman who’d got off the train earlier had in some way suddenly transformed to look radiant, beautiful. The woman he knew, her joie de vivre was back, but the last thing he expected to see was a miniature version of her, holding her hand, skipping along beside her.

He looked up to the sky for a moment, taking a deep breath, then lowered his eyes back to the scene in front of him. Was this Ethan? Martha had a child? But then why the hell did no one know? Was this a dirty little secret? He was amazed that he hadn’t known, they’d spent so much time together, had seen all the signs of her sadness, she wasn’t the type to pine after a man, to cry and moan about her heart breaking. A son, that made so much more sense. But whilst this discovery immediately answered so many of those questions, it also threw up a while load of new ones.

Standing he set off after her and the boy, to the main road, and across it into the natural beauty that was Hyde Park. They’d stopped near the edge of the lake and Martha patiently helped the youngster off with his gloves, then handed him pieces of bread that he energetically ripped up and threw into the water. Soon a variety of swans, geese, ducks and various birds swarmed around them all fighting for the crumbs being tossed liberally by the boy.

Sonny was captivated, glued to the spot watching them, hardly able to believe his eyes. It was all so surreal. But the two were laughing together, she was protective of him, she loved him, it was evident in everything she did, there was no chance this wasn’t her son, they were SO alike.

He was still stood there watching the picture in front of him when the boy, he was presuming was Ethan, jumped up and down at the metallic tune emanating from an ice cream van that Sonny himself could hear off to his right.

                “Mum! Mum! Ice cream!”

He hurtled off away from Martha at a rate of knots, but Sonny’s eyes were transfixed on her, and she turned unsuspecting, and called out, “Ethan wait!”

But any other words froze on her lips as her eyes sought her errant son, and instead found those dark haunting eyes that seemed to follow her everywhere. Sonny.

Trying Not to Love You - Part Twenty Seven

Chapter Twenty Seven

Scott Oldbury finally walked in, that was what Sonny had waited for. Trying not to show that he’d registered the other man, he made for the bar, abandoning Jade on the dance floor, though there were plenty of men ready to step into his shoes. He could feel Scott’s eyes on him across the room, but he wouldn’t bite, he couldn’t. The important thing here was to be nonchalant. He ordered another whisky, not that he needed another one, he’d been guzzling vodka since he’d arrived in the pub, if nothing else he needed his wits about him.

He had to wind up Johnny, start a fight, in the hope that one of Scott’s cronies would step in and intervene. The rest was up to Johnny, he had to worm his way into the circle of trust then drop the hints about the upcoming sitting duck of a van full of money. He knew that Scott would want a piece of that action, but he wasn’t sure how he’d guarantee that Scott himself would be involved, he had enough lackeys working for him, he wasn’t one to get his own hands dirty. But getting Johnny into the loop was the first stage, and an enemy of his would be an instant ally to Oldbury, he knew that. So they had to fight...convincingly.

It was dark; people were in and out visiting the smoking area, for Sonny that was a convenient excuse. Marching out to the small covered area a few feet from the door to the pub, he lit up a cigarette and took a deep breath, this was crucial. At that moment Gripper followed him outside, Sonny wondered whether that was deliberate. He didn’t care, either way it was playing into his hands. He eyeballed Johnny who’d been stood just outside the door all evening. He gave a discreet nod back and then looked away. Sonny finished his smoke then turned back towards the pub door, as he moved forward he deliberately elbowed Gripper in the back.

By the time he turned to snarl Sonny was at the entry to the building, and Johnny restrained him with an extended arm.

                “You causing trouble? Just barged that bloke, you asking for something?”

Sonny loved that Johnny sounded so convincing, scowling he tossed his head back to glare at him, “what if I am?”

Johnny laughed, “don’t go causing no trouble here, right?”

                “Who are you to tell me what to do?”

“The man who can stop you going back inside!” He poked Sonny in the chest as he spoke and as predicted and planned, he exploded.

                “DON’T TOUCH ME!” He shoved Johnny into the wall, then towered over him for a minute fist poised to punch him. As Johnny lashed out and regained his position, two arms encircled Sonny from behind, dragging him away from the tussle, from the smell and the dirty dark jacket covering those arms, he knew it was Gripper and he had to fight to stop the laughter at his predictability. This was so much easier than it should be.

                “You ok mate?” Gripper asked Johnny who nodded back.

                “Who’s your mate? He’s a fucking lunatic.” Johnny nodded at Sonny, who writhed in ‘anger’ Gripper’s arms still restraining him, “he’s been pushing my buttons all night, prick!”

Gripper laughed releasing Sonny then shoving him towards the pub door, slap bang into Oldbury himself. “No friend of mine! You’re right though, a prick.”

Oldbury sidestepped Sonny, who with a scowl for the pretence re-entered the building, the organ grinder being present was a bonus, he’d not been able to factor Oldbury into the evening, but there he was, right time right place for Sonny. It was up to Johnny now.

“James said he’ll drive you and Lucy home Dad, I know you want to stay, but you look shattered.” Martha placed a hand on her father’s arm; he was a proud man and would fight common sense to not look weak.

“I can walk.”

She nodded, “Lucy can’t though. Do it for her?”

As he agreed she heard a kafuffle near the door, looking up she saw Sonny burst angrily in from outside, and laughing watching his retreat were Scott and Gripper. When would he learn? She’d begged him to leave them alone, the last thing they all needed was Scott starting on them again. Since the threats earlier at the restaurant and the fact that they’d been witnessed by the CCTV, he’d been quiet, things had been calmer. There was no trauma, no damage, and that serenity made things so much easier.

Now he was back in the middle of a war with Scott? Looking at Sonny she gave a scowl then retreated back to the party, she’d promised Helen she’d sit with her, keep her company. She’d been dumped by the love of her life just before Martha had come back to town, and a night like this, where everyone was coupled up, dancing, Helen was feeling really left out and sad. So as the other singleton there, she’d called on Martha to be her company. And right now a date with a bottle of champagne seemed like simplicity, and heaven. So grabbing a bottle from the entry table and two glasses she left in search of her friend.

Sonny rolled his eyes at Martha’s reaction, though he knew she’d be angry, that was the exact reason he’d told her nothing about his plan, well one of the reasons. This was his swansong, this was his final dabble into the dodgy circles he’d found himself in since coming out of care at sixteen. He’d been so full of it then, years of defending himself; years of being unloved had made him a cynical and angry teen. He wasn’t particularly tall, but he’d boxed as a teen and kept that going once he was out on his own. It meant that he was strong, confident, and that was a bad combination in someone so filled with anger and resentment. He won a few fights, his name got known in certain circles, and then he was sucked into the loan shark world, collecting monies in any way he could, delivering packages. His quick thinking and hard fist coupled with his baby face meant that he always got a result. And people heard about that.

He sighed, he’d done some dreadful things, it was amazing he’d only had the one trip to jail really. Until now that life had been all he knew, but the time inside taught him one thing, he never wanted to go back, never wanted to lose his freedom again. That meant breaking free, and that meant doing this last thing for Marcus. He didn’t think he’d ever be in this place, but Martha, Carl...even the cantankerous Lucy, they made him believe that it was possible. But if they knew the truth, if they knew the things he was planning, knew the things he’d done, they’d throw him to the kerb, and who could blame them?

Moving to the bar he ordered another drink then spotted Carl and Lucy with James heading for the door.

                “You leaving Carl?”

The older man nodded, “past our bedtimes, hey Luce?”

Lucy rolled her eyes, she was obviously still wanting more fun, but it was James who attracted his real attention, he was scowling at Sonny. Giving his most dazzling smile, Sonny turned and re-entered the hubbub.

James was wise enough not to act in front of Carl, but he obviously had an opinion on Sonny, as usual, maybe he’d witnessed the fake fight at the door, James throwing him out would give Sonny reason to go back and have another fight with his friend, he felt ready for that. His anger was only ever just under control, and despite everything going to plan earlier in the evening, James glaring at him, Martha angry with him, dragged him back down, and it all meant he was struggling to keep on top of things. Punching his mate might make things feel better.

                “Dance with me?” It was Jade again, and her whining was starting to wind him up. She was a nice girl, but she was so full on. Then again sex was another way of fuelling that anger. the only problem was, since his encounter with Martha weeks earlier, he’d lost all appetite for other women, she’d ruined him for others then cast him aside, wasn’t karma a bitch?

Turning towards her he sighed, “not really feeling it Jade.”

                “Oh come on!” She grabbed his hand, at that moment he noticed James walk in to the room, the scowl was still there and he had no intention of having a strip torn off him by that man, and dancing with his sister...Sonny was never one to take the quiet option, so with a resigned sigh he allowed the girl to lead him onto the busy dance floor.

                “You ok Martha?”

Martha looked up to see James stood beside her and gave a shrug. In truth she was feeling dreadful. Helen had begged her to stay, to sit with her, and now she was dancing with Dan, someone they both knew from school, but Helen seemed keen to know better. Dumped she was sat alone watching everyone else have fun. She had drunk enough alcohol to become morose, she missed Ethan SO much, then there was Sonny, once again draped with Jade on the dance floor. And it did hurt her, though it was her choice, she knew that, and she’d have to get used to it, she knew he wasn’t one for relationships, she could be the first in a long list of women that he brought into their lives. Didn’t mean she wanted to see it though. She had to get away and soon. There was no plan B.

                “I’m fine James, you?”

He lowered himself opposite her and shrugged, “do you want to dance? Don’t want to see you sat alone.”

She shook her head, “me and Mr Moet are fine here.” She waved the champagne bottle then refilled her glass.

His eyes returned to the dance floor and he huffed under his breath. Martha followed his eyes and realised his anger was directed at Sonny, and his sister obviously.

                “Being protective big brother?”

James scowled, “the man is a bastard, what the hell does she see in him? And why the hell is she throwing herself at him like that?”

Martha laughed, “he’s not a bastard, but he likes women, and they like him, can’t beat that old chemistry. Hey? He’s a bad boy and women love nothing more than that.”

                “How can you defend him?”

She laughed again, “I’m not. You asked a question, I’m just answering. Don’t ask a question if you don’t want to hear the answer James.”

He stared at her; it wasn’t like her to be sharp, “aren’t I allowed to worry?”

                “Of course you are, but you didn’t say you were worried, you said you didn’t understand why your baby sister is so desperate to get into Sonny’s bed.”

                “She’s not desperate.” He defended her, but as they both looked up they could see clearly Sonny’s disinterest and that she was clinging to him.

                “Hmm.”

                “I’ll be glad when he’s gone.”

Martha stared up at him, her focus was fading as the champagne hit home, “he’s not going anywhere, he’s happy here.”

James rolled his eyes, “people like him don’t stay still for long. He’ll burn his bridges and when there’s no one left to piss off and no woman that he hasn’t screwed he’ll have to move on. He’s like that.”

She hated James’ pomp and cockiness, he knew nothing about Sonny, “God James, you don’t half spout some bullshit! This is REALLY starting to annoy me. You know nothing about him, you’ve never wanted to know anything about him, so don’t presume ok?” He looked a little stunned, quiet Martha bites she thought with a smile. “You’re just jealous that despite everything, you running your parents pub, being well known around here,” she deliberately played down anything he might see as a success, because frankly he had very little to show for his life that his parents hadn’t gifted him. “You’re jealous that he’s more popular with the ladies. He has charm, and a cute smile...it goes a VERY long way!”

James leaned forward, “Martha, where did you get off on being such a bitch?”

Standing she laughed, she was a little unsteady, but regardless turned to him, “the truth always hurts!”

Sonny and Jade had been leaving the dance floor when the exchange between Martha and James happened, and they witnessed the last few words, and whilst neither knew what they were arguing about, Sonny loved that she’d but him in his place. Then he realised as she made her very obvious storm off that she was drunk. Dropping his arm from Jade’s back he glared at James for a moment. Then muttered the word “bastard” in his direction before catching up with the unsteady Martha.

                “I don’t need your help.”

Martha had her nose in the air and was trying desperately to not appear drunk and Sonny wanted to laugh out loud, she was so hilarious.

                “You are as pissed as a fart young lady, and I’m not letting you negotiate that bloody dark path in your state and in those heels. Ok?”

She shook her head as she stepped out into the cool night, “I don’t want to cramp your style. Go back to ‘her’!”

Sonny groaned, there were those mixed messages again, he just wished she’d get over things and admit her feelings. She’d told him she didn’t feel the way he did, but he knew she was lying...to him and herself.

Suddenly he realised that the fresh air had hit her hard and she was struggling. Putting an arm around her he led her forcibly in the direction of the farm.

She started to mumble, drunken rubbish, and her legs were becoming less effective. Once he could see the house in the distance he scooped her up into his arms and strode purposefully towards home, it’d take hours to let her stagger in that direction.

Almost with relief she let her head fall against his shoulder and sighed, before closing her eyes. Torture. That was how it felt to him as he smelled her, felt her nuzzle against him, and her breath on his neck.

He managed to open the door without dropping her, and get through the kitchen, but the stairs were narrow and he had to turn sideways to scale them. She wasn’t heavy, but he’d had easier manoeuvres in the past. As he lowered her to her bed, he shook her, “come on sleepy, you can’t sleep in this dress and I’m not undressing you.”

That caused her to flash her eyes open and he laughed, finding a t-shirt he knew she slept in, he helped her pull it over her head, then unzipped her dress so that it fell to the floor.

She looked so vulnerable, half dressed, eyes confused, and feet unsteady. His heart surged, he loved this woman more than he’d ever loved anyone else.

With a rather dramatic sigh he watched as she threw her arms around his neck and pushed her body up against his. “Thank you...”

Sonny sighed, there was no way he was taking advantage of a drunk woman, no matter what people thought of him he was never going to do that.

                “Martha, don’t...”

                “Sonny, it’s all such a mess...isn’t it?” She leaned back to look up at him, “I mean there’s you...and they all want you...and angry...and sad...” She wasn’t making much sense but he knew she was fighting her inner demons.

                “Martha, just get into bed.”

              “With you?” She giggled, “naughty! Can’t...” Then she started to cry. He’d dealt with drunk women before and he knew that tears often accompanied alcohol.

                “Come on, you’re just tired.” He took her hands and tried to peel her from him but she fought him for a moment. Then with a groan she went completely limp and he lowered her to the bed, “ok?” He pulled the duvet over her.

                “Sorry...drunk...miss him Sonny, miss him so much.”

That confused him, “who? Who do you miss?”

                “Ethan.” With that she started to snore. Leaving Sonny stood in shock, who the hell was Ethan and why hadn’t he heard about him before? 

Trying Not to Love You - Part Twenty Six

Chapter Twenty Six

                “You two ready?” Martha called out to her two older family members for what felt like the tenth time.

Then the door opened and her father stood there struggling with his tie, but looking impeccable in a dinner suit, for the first time since she’d been back she saw signs of the old Carl Mansell.

                “Let me help you!” She tied the bow and straightened it, then brushed her hands over the lapels of his tux. “You look great!”

                “So do you!” Came Aunt Lucy’s voice from behind them.  Martha turned around to see Lucy in her elegant three quarter length midnight blue dress. But Lucy’s eyes were on her. She’d bought the dress she wore in London, a Grecian tribute, strapless, powder blue, ruched and tight over her breasts, which then fell in cascades of tiny folds to the floor. She’d fallen in love with the dress the moment she saw it, but was full of self doubt. She wasn’t the most confident person and she felt a little awkward in something so removed from her normal attire.

                “Aunt Lucy, you look AMAZING!” She tried to detract from herself. She hugged the older woman, “I’m driving us into town, then leaving the Land Rover at the pub.”

                “It’s a five minute walk!” Her father protested.

Martha smiled, he didn’t need to know that she was worried about getting him and Lucy to the pub unscathed with the combination of their mobility issues and the uneven ground that was the path leading to the pub, instead she pulled up her dress to show her spiky heels, “there’s no way these would survive the walk, ok?”

                “Is Sonny joining us?” Lucy asked as they left the house.

Martha shrugged, smiling to herself at Aunt Lucy’s new love for their lodger, “think he’s going straight there. Said he had some business first. Right, in the car both of you!”

Entering the pub, they were rendered speechless. The bar was the arrival room, covered in fairy lights, magical, the chairs jazzed up by white covers, then an archway led through to the conservatory that was darkened due to the heavy drapes the covered every wall and window. Like the bar, the place was smothered with more fairy lights, tables adorned with flowers and crockery circled a dance floor. A disco, lights, bubble machines dominated the centre of the room, everything was perfect, no stone had been left unturned, and the people already there were captivated.

With her father clinging to one arm, Aunt Lucy to the other, she led them into the melee, and for the next forty minutes Martha didn’t know herself, there were so many familiar faces, people who wanted to say hello. And everyone was dressed up and glamorous, it was an amazing sight.

Sonny hated the restriction to his throat, but he’d been told by everyone that a dinner suit was essential, and as he walked in through the door he saw that every other male had similar attire. And the women were devastating in their ball gowns. He was suitably impressed by the effort made by everyone, Helen, Martha’s friend was greeting at the door in her floor length scarlet dress, she smiled at him genially, then nodded towards the table of complimentary champagne to her right. Taking a glass he looked around, taking in the drastic changes to the decor, and the glamorous clothing that everyone was wearing. Even the bar staff were dressed to impress.

He’d barely got to the bar when Jade sidled up to him, smiling. She was wearing a short black dress, drastic when everyone else wore floor length numbers and ridiculously tall heels that made her legs look interminably long. He wasn’t sure whether her outlandish choices that were so different from everyone else made her look classy or tarty; it was such a fine line.

                “Buying me a drink Sonny?”

He gave a nod, “vodka?”

She nodded, “with tonic. Thanks.”

She was almost purring beside him as he nodded to Sara behind the bar for the drinks. Handing her the glass he turned to prop himself against the bar and peruse the room.

                “A tux suits you.” She offered.

He smiled, “you don’t scrub up too bad yourself.” He gave a long, slow look up and down and was rewarded with her shuddering at the attention.

                “Dance with me?”

Sonny shook his head, “not had enough for that.” He signalled for another drink, a few would calm his nerves and then he may consider dancing, who knew. Glancing towards the front door he could make out the outline of Johnny through the glass, he was suited too and acting as a bouncer. The night’s plan was water tight, surely nothing could go wrong?

After a couple of drinks he wandered into the conservatory, the real heart of the ball, people were dancing, drinking, and tucking in to the awesome buffet that Tom had provided from the restaurant. He’d never seen the place look so full. Looking around he waved to Carl, stood at the bar talking to Eamonn, as he was about to cross the room to speak to him, he spotted Lucy, sat with her cronies near the edge of the dance floor. She gave him a scowl, but Martha was right, there was more humour than venom in that look these days. He’d won her over.

Smiling at that, he turned towards the dance floor and almost tripped over. Stood talking to an impeccably suited James was Martha, and she looked devastating. She was wearing a long blue dress, strapless, billowy, yet clingy and sexy. Never had he felt his body heat up at the mere sight of someone. Her elegant neck and creamy shoulders were bare, revealed by the dress, and he’d never been so tempted to walk up and run his tongue over that flesh, bed his teeth into the contour of her neck. Shaking his head he met her eyes.

Martha couldn’t believe how devastatingly good Sonny looked, it was no secret that he was attractive, she’d long since given up on fighting that realisation, but in the ice white shirt, crisp yet moulded to him, and the contrast of the black well cut tuxedo, he was traffic stopping.

He looked pained, as though something was wrong, so she offered him a tentative smile, after all nothing could be that bad. As the corners of his lips turned up into a smile, a hand wrapped around his arm, and a face pressed up against his shoulder. Jade.

Martha sighed; there was nothing she could say. She’d pushed him away, she couldn’t expect him to be single forever, but she wasn’t going to enjoy seeing him with any of the local women, none of them were good enough for him. And you are? She asked herself. Eyes still on his, she watched as he greeted Jade, she was all legs and boobs in a dress that supermodels couldn’t carry better. Who was she kidding?

Sonny’s eyes dropped from hers to hear something that Jade was saying, and she used that moment to escape. Mandy and her husband had arrived, and she wanted to make sure that the woman who’d created the evening enjoyed things.

In the bar people were still arriving, and Martha insisted that both Helen and Mandy move into the main room and circulate. She stayed at the door doling out champagne to the latecomers and greeting people for a little while, until one of Helen’s friends came to relieve her. At the bar she grabbed a glass of wine, then headed into the swirling lights and pounding music of the party.

The light had gone out when Martha left the room, but all too soon, Sonny found himself in the middle of a battle between Gemma and Jade. They were both vying for his attention, and it wasn't the most attractive thing. Sighing he headed to the bar, Eamonn and Carl were permanent fixtures there, stood chatting, and both looked up and smiled as he arrived.

                “You the prize?” Eamonn asked nodding towards the two girls who were having some form of dance off.

He rolled his eyes and ordered another drink, and refills for the two older men, at that moment Martha glided back into the room and she took his breath away. Her dark hair was pulled up into some sort of loose style, the dress clung to that body, the body that haunted his dreams every night, she looked like a Greek God, Aphrodite. Gulping he turned back to the bar, glancing at Carl he saw the pride in his eyes at the sight of his daughter.

                “She looks amazing!” Eamonn offered, “doesn’t she Sonny?” He nodded awkwardly as the older man added, “forget sometimes that she’s a proper lady, million miles from wellies and oilskins hey?”

Sonny gave an awkward smile, then turned back to the bar.

When he finally had control, he turned back and was furious; she was dancing, with James. The chinless wonder had his hands all over her and it instantly rose his heckles.

                “Why don’t you ask her to dance? Get that man’s hands off her?” He looked to his left at the voice, to see Lucy stood there, money in her hand, waving at the bar staff for a drink.

                “What?”

She laughed, “that James, almost as flaky as that sister of his, she deserves better.” Sonny felt his eyes widen and she added, “I don't mean you! But you’d get her free of him, and that’d be a good thing.”

HE shook his head, “giving that a wide berth.”

She ordered three drinks when Sara came towards them at the bar, then turned back to Sonny, “your mistake.”

Turning his back to the dance floor he dropped his elbows on the bar next to her, “Lucy what are you playing at?”

She laughed, a tinkling sound, “better the devil you know I say.”

                “That’s more like it, me the devil.”

Turning to him she smiled again, “you look out for her, she needs that in a friend, and I don’t trust James, he was the one...” She didn’t finish the sentence and it intrigued him even more.

                “If I dance with her, rescue her, will you finish that comment?”

Lucy nodded, then watched him stride to the dance floor.

                “Do you mind if I cut in?” He tapped James on the shoulder, “Martha promised me the first dance and she’s managed to evade me all evening.”

The dance floor was busy, James couldn’t make a scene, not that Sonny cared, his eyes were on Martha who was swallowing nervously. They’d barely touched each other since that night, but as James released her, Sonny wrapped his left arm around her, clutching her left hand in his right. At that moment Van Morrison’s dulcet tones burst out of the speakers. The song made Martha gulp again, as if his proximity wasn’t enough, the smell, the feel of his hand on her spine, his chin touching her forehead, his chest pressing against her breast, now he had to hum along to Have I told you lately that I love you.

BY the third chorus she was a ball of anxiety and Sonny was singing, quietly, huskily in her ear. For someone who didn’t know music he was doing a great job.

                “Have I told you lately that I love you, have I told you there's no one above you. Fill my heart with gladness, take away my sadness. Ease my troubles, that's what you do...”

Closing her eyes she wished she were anywhere else.

                “You’re right you know.”

Pulling away from him slightly, she looked up at him, “about what?”

                “Music, being the soundtrack to your life.” He studied her for a moment, “like this song, never thought about lyrics before, but these...” He gave a dazzling smile, “You do...I did...but it wasn’t enough, was it?”

She sighed, “Sonny, please. Don’t do this.”

Lifting an eyebrow he stared at her, “don’t do what? Speak the truth.”

                “It’s not happening, I told you that. Half the room want to be with you, I’ve got more daggers in my back dancing with you than I thought possible. Find someone else. Move on...for me.”

Sonny wanted to scream, he wanted to tip her back over his arm and ravish her, in front of everyone, not caring of the chaos it would cause. Now she was pushing him away.

                “Martha.”

She shook her head, “I can’t do this, it’s wrong.” She glanced over his shoulder, “move on Sonny. Please.”

With that she untangled herself from Sonny and made for the bar.

Groaning he watched her disappear then groaned again as Jade won the race to reach him first. He had no choice but to take her in his arms and dance with her, watching Martha scuttle from the room over her shoulder.

Outside the pub in the fresh air she pulled out her phone, and called Stephanie. Ethan would be in bed, but she wanted to know he was ok.

                “You must have the greatest telepathy!” Steph announced, “he woke up about half an hour ago and is curled up on the sofa with me.”

The unexpected chat to her son reduced her to tears and whilst she hated the distance from him, she could sense the end was in sight, she’d be able to leave soon. Her Dad was stronger, Sonny was helping with the restaurant and Eamonn and Bill were controlling things at the farm. She’d have to rebuild, after all she lost her job in London, she fancied a move to the coast, a fresh start...

Sighing she wiped at the tears that had run down her face, then made her way back into the party.

To see Jade draped around Sonny on the dance floor, obscenely, that was the word for it. He seemed uncaring, but she’d pushed for this, told him to do this. Sighing she turned to the bar and ordered a drink.

An hour later after dances with her father, Aunt Lucy, Eamonn and many more, Martha was shattered. There was no sign of Sonny...or Jade. She hated to think what that meant, but it was better, someone else and not her, that was what she wanted for him.