After All - Part Forty Six

Chapter Forty Six

Mattie stepped out into the humid midday sun and sighed. It had been raining for about an hour earlier...and by rain she meant heavens opening downpour from hell. Now though, the sun was once again shining, the humidity was high, and coupled with the smog of the city it was hazy as she made her way along the block to a cafe.  She’d been in Thailand for a few days and was having an amazing time. On the flight out she’d been sat next to two younger girls who were heading off on their gap year from school, they were full of stories of all the things they had planned for their stop in Bangkok. Mattie had intended to head to Thailand then connect to Chiang Mai four hundred and fifty miles north where her brother, and now father, lived.  But by the time the flight landed, she had changed her mind. Her family didn’t know she was travelling...this was an impulsive trip. So she had headed into the city.

And what a city. The girls were staying on Khao San Road, the backpackers corner of the city, in one of the many hotels that flanked the narrow busy street.  She had chosen to stay in what the guide at the airport had informed her was a “modest” priced hotel. Less than thirty pounds a night which didn’t compare to what the girls had told her they were paying, but with a  nice restaurant, a roof top pool, and most importantly, air conditioning. So far she’d seen so much, mainly visiting the tourist areas, restaurants, temples, and of course the famous nightlife. She didn’t feel threatened as a single female, but if she did she seemed to find gangs of other British travellers to do things with.

It was her first holiday in years, and she was loving every moment. She had no idea what she’d do the following day, but now...after a little brunch, she was going shopping...who knew what cheap gear you could buy there. She tapped her brand new fake Louis Vuitton handbag; she’d need another suitcase soon!

Dylan groaned looking at the computer screen completely foxed. If you were Matilda Davies, where would you save the invoices for the upcoming conference? He’d tried every folder that seemed to make sense, but couldn’t find it. He’s searched every possible combination of words on every one of her hard drives, but had yet to find anything. Sarah was in her office doing exactly the same, and Dylan was starting to find work hard. Everywhere he looked he was confronted by memories of her, not all as obvious as this one, some were far more subtle...then there was the world, because EVERYONE asked about her. Why was he the one feeling guilty, the one feeling as though he was hiding something?

The phone ringing disturbed his search.

                “Yes?” he snapped into the handset.

                “Oohh!” Brandy squealed down the handset. “I’ve been trying to find you for what feels like weeks, and when you finally answer a phone - not yours by the way, you snap at me!”

He groaned, “Brandy I am up to my eyes in shit...honestly, I haven’t got the time for this!”

She tutted into the phone, “Dy-lan...you have got the huge quarterly meeting next week, you’ve not given me ANY info for it, I didn’t know where you’re holding it...”

                “And I’ve got to find invoices for a five grand contract here, can I call you back?”

                “Of course, though I was actually calling Mattie’s phone to speak to her, can you put her on?”

Cue another groan, “she’s not here. Hence me searching her bloody ludicrous filing system for a misplaced invoice.”

                “Will you ask her to call me later?” She asked, then added, “she files invoices by date order, not name. Does that help?”

He clicked on a few different boxes on the screen then sighed with relief, “you are AMAZING Brandy, remind me of this when we do your annual review!”

She chuckled, “the most overused promise in the whole world. Get Mattie to call me, yeah? I’m here the rest of the day.”

With a huge exhalation of breath he hung up.

Two hours later he had dealt with the organisers of the conference, final details were dealt with, and he finally had time to get a coffee. His mind was no clearer, but he had one less thing to deal with.

His ringing phone disturbed his serenity once again, “yes!”

It was another snap, and this time the voice replying, despite being the same as earlier, was far less friendly.

                “You didn’t tell me she was on holidays!”

He sighed, “Brandy? What?”

As he rubbed a hand over his eyes, she let rip, “Yes it’s me, I asked about Mattie. Just a few hours ago. ‘Not here’ you said, not that she was on holiday...seemingly indefinitely.”

He wanted to drop his head on to his desk and moan, but he couldn’t, not with the terrier that was Brandy on the phone.

                “So she’s taken a holiday. What’s wrong with that?”

A prolonged “Uuuuummmmm,” came down the handset, before she took a deep breath and let rip once again. “Let me think. I spoke to her three days ago and she was going to send me some details urgently today.”

                “What urgent details?”

She laughed, “don’t change the subject, it was personal, but important...so where is she?”

                “Holiday. Visiting her father.”

Laughing again, her voice got louder, “your ex wife, who you’ve been doe eyed over since she came back into your life has disappeared with no notice and I’m supposed to believe that YOU have nothing to do with that?”

He groaned, “what the fuck is happening here? I am at fault for her taking a holiday?”

                “Dylan, I have spoken to the girl SO much over the last few months, her and Sarah. I know two things...one that she is the most conscientious person I’ve ever met; secondly that she hasn’t had a holiday in years. Add that to the fact that you broke her heart when your marriage spilt up. When she suddenly disappears with no warning,  what am I supposed to conclude?”

His head was now on the desk, no one could penetrate his defences like Brandy could. “What about my heart Brandy? What about the fact that she broke MY heart too? Why does this all have to be my fault?”

                “Because you are successful, you told me that you chose that, and she divorced you. So you’ve already got the upper hand. She’s vulnerable, she needs your support.”

He felt like crying, “I wanted to give her everything, ok? I wanted this to work again.”

Brandy sighed, “you mean you rekindled things? Shit, no wonder she ran. What did you do to her?”

Dylan hated that tears prickled at her eyes, “why is it always me that’s in the wrong?” He sighed, his eyes closed, for some long standing and unknown reason, Brandy had the ability to strip him bare emotionally, maybe it was because she showed more maternal concern than his own mother.

                “Because I know you...and I think I know her.”

He sighed, “I thought it would work Brandy,” it was a painful confession, “I honestly wanted it to work more than anything.”

                “What did you do?”

                “NOTHING. Why do you always think the worst of me?”

Brandy was silent for a moment, “Dylan, I love you like a son, you know that. What happened?”

He sighed, he had to tell someone, it was almost murdering him, “we tried again...and it was amazing, better than I thought possible. And for a moment I dreamed Brandy. I saw the future, and for the first time it was amazing.”

                “What changed?”

He gulped nervously, “everything.” He stood the handset still at his ear, “I found out that when I left London, when she divorced me...she was pregnant, she had an abortion.”

Brandy gasped rather theatrically, “oh my god, poor Mattie. The hell she must have gone through!”

                “Her? What about me? What about what SHE did to me?”

Sighing the older woman was silent for a moment, “Dylan, I worry about you...and hearing that you found this out so late on, so unexpectedly is awful, and whilst I do feel really sorry for you, what I feel most sad about, is that Mattie was forced to go to those lengths.”

                “What?” he was genuinely stunned.

Brandy was calm, “look, you married Mattie, you wanted her again...she’s a good person...a nice person. You KNOW that, you’re not the type to take anything else, and in all the time I’ve known you, you’ve never been close to a woman...that means something. She’s industrious, enthusiastic, but it’s her goodness that makes her so special, you know that, I mean the testimonies from the staff when you first took on this project spoke for themselves. I’ll leave the assessment of her beauty and attractiveness to you... But she’s a good woman, a genuine woman. Can you imagine what it must have taken for her to go and do that?”

                “But she did it Brandy, SHE did it!”

Brandy sighed, “look, she’s not a person who’d do this sort of thing lightly, and being alone, terrified, desperate...it can’t have been fun, can’t have been easy. YES she did it without your consent, but she was on her own, and maybe rather than hating and blaming her, you should put yourself in her shoes. She has had a lot to cope with from this alone, and I can’t imagine that losing someone like you in the first place was easy for her either.”

He made to protest, hating how this always came back to him being in the wrong.

                “Dylan, I’m not blaming you, you are entitled to be upset, but I just don’t think that it’s a malicious as you want it to be.”

                “She could have told me at any point, before I got emotionally involved.”

Again Brandy’s laugh was knowing, “have you given her the chance to tell her? I love you Dylan, you know that, but you are like a whirlwind, and when you want something you are single minded in getting it. That isn’t always easy for us normal people to deal with. You’ve got to where you are in live by being determined, focussed. But you’ve neglected your personal life, fun, to do that. Did you listen to her? Did you let her talk?”

As she hung up, Dylan still held the phone to his ear; all he could do was rethink the whole conversation and his role in things.

Mattie stepped off the bus and sighed, it was still hot and every time she left an air conditioned environment the heat and humidity hit her like a train. Would she ever get used to that? She’d travelled on a surprisingly luxurious coach a couple of hours down the coast from Bangkok to Hua Hin, a town that was recommended by a seasoned traveller she’d met a few nights earlier. It wasn’t the tropical luxury that she’d seen in The Beach, it was more built up, busier, easier to access, but she found a boutique hotel that offered villas on the beach front, each with a pool right outside the bedroom door.

And that was where she was, at this unique hotel, and the trauma of London seemed a million miles away. She checked in and was shown to her villa, and as she closed the door, she smiled for what seemed like the first time in days. This is what she needed, some isolation, time for herself, in a luxurious place where an army of staff would honour her every whim.

As she changed into a black and white bikini and covered her skin in sunscreen, she had a fleeting vision of what it would be like to be here with Dylan, a romantic and beautiful location...but she wouldn’t let herself think like that, that chapter was closed. And her other agenda since arriving here, was to find a new job back home.  Moving out to her private terrace, she pulled out her laptop and logged on to the various job sites that she’d inundated with her CV when she was still in Bangkok, were there any bites?

The conference was a success, even without Matilda’s presence. Dylan was relieved it was over, but now he had to plan the board meeting back in New York, it was never ending. A knock at his office door caused him to look up and he was amazed to see Brandy stood there.

                “You’ve come over?”

She nodded, “since I gave you my opinion on things last week you’ve been avoiding my calls.”

He shook his head, “not avoiding...I just haven’t acted on anything with Matilda, been too busy.”

Brandy came across and hugged him, she was like a mother, and he loved that moment of concern, “niceties aside, I’m not JUST here because I think you need the comfort...” She handed him a wad of documents, “seems Mattie’s been rather industrious since she’s been on her vacations...requests for a reference.”

He looked at the pages in her hand, then back to her face, “she’s definitely leaving.”

Brandy nodded, “seems that way. If you let her go.”

After All - Part Forty Five

Chapter Forty Five

Mattie didn’t sleep, how could she? Her mind was overactive; there were so many questions, so many problems, but no obvious solutions. She loved Dylan to distraction, that was blatantly obvious. She’d dared to dream, dared to believe that this was their second chance. She’d honestly believed that if she’d had time, if they’d talked, planned, worked out how they could iron out all the pain and hurt they’d caused each other, that they could get past the past, and then she honestly believed that he’d have coped with the news. At the right time, the right place, he’d have trusted her, he’d have understood. Instead that bastard Andy had blurted it out a sordid, dirty secret.

All night the ‘what if’s’ had circled her brain, what if she’d told him on day one? At least she still hated him then, or thought she did, if he had stormed off into the distance then, she’d have been relieved. Or when they became friends? There was time there to say what had happened, but by then he was her boss, the last thing she’d have needed was him hating her, the animosity at work...

Like she’d have now.

When sleep eluded her, her mind overactive, she plotted what she’d do the next day. She’d called the hotel at a ridiculous hour to be told that Mr Wallace had arrived late the previous night; at least she knew he was safe. But that didn’t help her sleep. Still she tossed and turned, punching lumps out of her pillow, kicking the duvet off, the pulling it back over her. Nothing helped.

She must have fallen asleep, because she woke up, pain, tired, aching all over. It was almost midday when she managed to focus on the clock, the sun blasting through a crack in the curtains. Her head hurt, her heart hurt. It was a bad day. She staggered into the lounge to see the remainders of their romantic afternoon, plates, wine glasses, stacked ready to be washed. Her makeup bag was open on the counter as Dylan had been hogging the bathroom mirror, so she’d used the highly polished surface of the expensive refrigerator to apply lipstick and eyeliner.

Everywhere she turned there was a memory, a sign that for twenty four hours all her Christmases had come at once. Now she saw a shell, empty casings hinting at what might have been.

Mattie drank some orange juice, tried to settle her stomach, but it was no use. She should wait until the following morning, see Dylan at work, try to talk to him. But the thought of seeing him with an audience, with colleagues present.

No, she had to go see him now. Get this over and done with; there was no way she could wait until Monday. This was all or nothing, if he couldn’t understand her, didn’t want to listen, believe, then she’d have to walk away, take what remained of her fragile psyche and disappear, somewhere, anywhere. And that would mean accepting that her time at the Sunshine Club was over. And she felt the need to mourn that as well as for the disaster zone that replaced her heart.

The hotel was quiet, there was usually a rush for Sunday lunches, but the unexpected sunny afternoon had obviously sent people to parks and beaches instead. Mark one of her many trusted staff, was stood at reception and smiled when she approached.

                “Hi Mark, is Mr Wallace upstairs?”

He shook his head, “he’s in his office...he had a meeting earlier, but he’s alone now.”

She nodded, then when the receptionist looked away grimaced. She wasn’t exactly looking forward to this. Plus her feet were killing her, the previous night’s trek in ridiculous shoes had ripped her feet to shreds, even the flip-flops she wore with her jeans were rubbing the wounds raw.

Dragging herself up the corridor, she rounded the corner towards the offices, and kicked off the shoes with gasps of relief, then carried them in her hand as she approached the barrier that was Dylan’s closed office door.

Tapping gently several times didn’t get a response, so in the end, she pushed open the door. Dylan was bent over his computer and didn’t even look up, though when she spoke she could see him freeze, pause for that briefest of moments, but a telltale sign that this mattered.

                “Can we talk?” her voice sounded strange in the unforgiving silence.

With a harsh laugh and his head still dropped, he snapped, “talk? Huh! Too late.”

                “Dylan please. Don’t do this.”

He shook his head defensively, still not looking up from his work, though she knew he wasn’t concentrating on anything but her words.

                “I get that this has hurt you...I am sorry, sorry for it all.” Still he was silent. Suddenly Mattie knew it was all or nothing time, she couldn’t spend her life in limbo, couldn’t work for a man who hated her. She had to throw down all her cards...and be prepared to lose everything.

                “I was wrong to make the decision on my own, but I was desperate...I tried to call you,” she hated that tears thickened her voice. “But you didn’t answer...the divorce papers...they were my bluff...I was hoping to shock you into realising what you’d left behind. But you signed them, then stopped answering my calls.” She gulped at the lump in her throat as she protested.

                “So this is all my fault again? Great!”

She shook her head, “all I know is that I had to decide how best to survive. I couldn’t look after a baby, it was too difficult. I had to do what I did.”

His head finally lifted and he snarled at her, “that was MY baby too.” But the snarl choked on emotion as he once again struggled to speak.

She nodded, “you’re right, and whilst I did what I had to do, regardless of what you might think,” she added as he started to protest. “It was what I had to do, the only option, but that doesn’t mean that a day goes past when I don’t wish that I could have had that baby, that I could hold it in my arms, because it pains me Dylan, it has pained me EVERY day for five years. You want to punish me, you want to hate me? Well join the queue, because I torture myself every day, I have done since that day, and I hate a part of me too.”

He was listening, she knew that, and this was her swansong, “you know that I love you, you know that if there was any other way...”

He shook his head passionately, “there was ALWAYS another way.”

Shaking her head ruefully she disagreed with him, “the last two days...they were amazing, everything I’ve ever wanted, even though I denied it for so long. I honestly want this...us...a future.”  As he continued to shake his head vehemently, she sighed, “don’t hate me...please.”

Tears were now rolling down her face, “Dylan, this is the problem with us; on both times we’ve been together we haven’t talked, not properly. We get caught up in the moment, never discuss our feelings.”

                “You don’t want to know how I feel.”

She smiled, “you’re probably right. But for the record I love you, but if we can’t work this out, then I have to leave...I’m going to visit my father, tomorrow. If you want to come with me...try...talk...then I’ll be at your apartment, but if you don’t...then I’ll go and not come back. I won’t expect wages, and I will organise rent for the weeks I spent at your place. I’ll have my belongings put in storage.”

He was staring at the computer screen, but he wasn’t focussing, she only hoped he was hearing her. But he let her whimper slightly, swiping at her eyes with her hand. 

As she turned for the door, he murmured, “what happened to your feet?”

It wasn’t the words she hoped for, but it was a hint, “bad shoes,” she whispered. “Had to walk home in heels.”

His eyes flashed at hers and she could see the anger instantly take over from the sympathy in his eyes. “Go see Mark, he’s out first aider.”

She shook her head, that comment was more hurtful than any other he’d issued in the last eighteen hours, “I’ll survive...I always do.”

Had she honestly expected him to come? She wasn’t sure. She knew how stubborn Dylan was, hell he’d always done JUST what he wanted in life, when it came to decisions he didn’t trust anyone as he trusted himself. He hated her, and nothing she said would make him change that opinion. She’d put her heart on her sleeve.

And it wasn’t enough.

As her flight took off and London disappeared into the distance, she couldn’t feel enthusiasm, couldn’t feel happy. After all, he’d ruined her once, he was the only person who could do that to her, and she’d tried to resist him, tried to close down her heart. But Matilda Davies loved Dylan Wallace, and it broke her in two...again.

Dylan slammed the wall with the heel of his hand, he was no boxer and he wasn’t stupid enough to punch the wall, he would break his hand knowing him. Instead he lashed out with a slightly safer version. That was the new him, the ‘safe’ risk taker! He almost laughed, when had he become that man? Five years ago he’d had smashed into the wall uncaring of the consequences, now he couldn’t even show his frustration properly.

It was twenty four hours since Matilda had walked out of his office. A broken devastated Matilda...not that he was feeling sorry for her. He wasn’t. She’d hurt him. The thought of what she did still caused him physical pain, he’d not cried since he was a child, but the thought of what could have been, what he had lost was insurmountable, he’d thought that losing his wife, or rather being left by her had hurt him in ways he hadn’t though imaginable, but now...the thought that there could have been a child...SHOULD have been a child hurt him even more. All his life he’d felt unloved, unwanted, he’d secretly longed for the time when he’d have a child to shower with all the love he’d never had.

But you’d have been in Hong Kong...and then New York.

Despite his inner monologue he wasn’t happy to think his role in this, HE was the one hard done by, HE was the one who’d been hurt, and he turned back to his work ignoring the voice that told him he was being childish, that there were two sides to every story.

                “So Mattie’s gone on holiday?”

He looked up from the agenda he’d just been emailed for the imminent board meeting In New York to see Sarah stood in the doorway to his office, hands on hips. He groaned. “God save me from bloody women!” He hissed the words under his breath.

                “We are up to our eyes, she’s got all the information for the big conference next week, need I remind you three days, four hundred delegates.”

He ran a hand through his hair, had Matilda gone on holiday? She’d mentioned it briefly in the height of their discord; he remembered something about visiting her father? He took a deep breath, “everything we need is on her computer. You can do this without her Sarah. If you need extra help, then I’ll sanction it.”

He glanced back at his computer but sensed that she hadn’t left, looking up, he lifted an eyebrow in question, “yes?”

                “So she’s gone on holiday?”

He gave an abrupt nod, but Sarah wasn’t one to be easily fobbed off.

                “Where?” She stepped into the office and closed the day. “I mean last week you two were...well let’s just say that you were getting along.” She sighed when he shrugged in a non-committal way, “Dylan, I know you are my boss, but I am worried. Mattie isn’t impulsive, she’s committed, industrious and conscientious, she doesn’t disappear like this. Where is she?”

Dylan sighed, dropping his head for a moment, “you think I’ve hurt her?”

Sarah shrugged, “I just know this is out of character.”

He nodded, “me and Matilda...it’s complicated. She’s gone to see her father. She’ll be back.”

Sarah was staring at him, and he hated the scrutiny, “can I have your word on that? Because I think you have the power to break her.”

He stood up, hands on hips, “and I’m the Ice man, is that it? I’m incapable of being hurt?”

That stunned her, “of course not...”

                “I appreciate your concern, for her, but she is fine. She’ll be with her father...and I will authorise whatever it takes to let her have this trip. Ok?”

Sarah wasn’t convinced, but for the moment left him alone. And he needed time to keep one hand on his sanity. 

After All - Part Forty Four

Chapter Forty Four

Mattie felt the room start to spin; she was still staring at Dylan, seeing the words slowly register as his face changed from confident, in-control, to pained, devastated, shocked. He was staring at Andy but his eyes slowly turned to find her, questions, pain, hurt there for all to see.

                “Matilda?” His voice was quiet, overtly calm, almost controlled and bereft of emotion, that made her realise how devastating this was for him.

She was unable to formulate a word, so many feelings were rushing through her body, her mind that she could barely focus, he was blurring in her eyes, stood there, handsome, strong. She couldn’t look at Andy; her horror at what he’d done was complete. She knew that he had to know this, and she’d tried desperately to get him to talk, discuss the past, the future. At that moment she hated Andy for forcing this in such a dramatic and humiliating fashion. What must Dylan think hearing something so awful from a stranger? A resentful stranger at that.

                “Is that true?” His voice dragged her from her fog of desperation.

She felt tears escape her eyes, staring at him, wanting and needing him to understand. She gave a small nod. It was all she could do. She had always intended to tell him, it wasn’t something she could tell him over dinner, but she had wanted to, she really had.

                “Dylan, it’s not...”

He held up a hand, his face now ravaged with the emotions he’d been trying to fight, “don’t. Don’t say anything.” With that he turned on his heel and stormed out.

Mattie watched him march away and felt pain lance her chest, glancing at Andy, she shook her head, defeated, “you bastard!” Was all she could offer, and when she followed Dylan out of the restaurant.

One of the elevators was already descending, guessing he was in it, she dived in the other one, and grabbing her phone from her bag as she went, she called him, but of course there was no answer, and the lift took an interminable amount of time to reach the ground floor. When it finally did, she dashed out into the reception, seeing the doors swinging closed. Running as fast as her heeled shoes would let her; she emerged onto the dark street and saw Dylan a short distance away walking, fast.

                “Dylan! DYLAN! Wait!”

She didn’t think he’d hear, or even listen, but he stopped dead in his tracks.

Mattie continued her awkward run until she was close to him, “talk to me, please?”

She was ignoring the pain, the hurt; she needed him to look at her, to trust her, to understand.

He turned slowly and she could see tears in his eyes, “you did THAT, you...” he gasped, “you didn’t tell me?”

She flinched at the disgust, the pain in his voice, “you disappeared...my mother had just died...I was homeless with huge debts...”

                “You SHOULD have told me,” his voice broke as he said that. Emotion like she’d never known in his voice, his face. “I can’t believe it. I can’t believe YOU.”

                “It was for the best, at the time...” Despite the trauma she’d suffered since then, despite the pain, the anguish, she knew it really was the right thing, then.

His face contorted into a snarl, “the best thing?” He shook his head, “no, telling ME, that was the best thing to do...we could have a son...” a sob escaped as he said that, “or a daughter...” Taking a deep breath and looking up for a moment, he finally added, “you know how much I wanted children, you KNEW I’d have dropped everything and come back to you.”

                “You’d have dropped everything for a baby? But divorce papers didn’t even muster a protest.” She blinked, trying not to lose it, trying not to break down.

                “Don’t make this about me,” he hissed at her, swiping at the tears coursing down his cheeks. “This is about YOU!”

Mattie hung her head, “you’re right, it WAS all my doing. But WHERE were you? I called, I wanted you to know...but you were too busy making your fortune. YOU left me Dylan, let’s not forget that.”

He shook his head, then stared at her for a moment. Then without further thought, turned and walked away. And defeated, beaten she let him go.

Dylan had been gone ten days when her mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, she’d not been well for several months, she’d gone into hospital after a fall, but when she was there she was diagnosed with the tumour which at that moment was described as late stage. The doctors wanted to operate, but when they attempted to remove the tumour they found it had spread into other organs, to SO many areas. There wasn’t another treatment plan other than heavy duty chemo and radiotherapy, which her mother assured her she would go with. But she never recovered from the initial fall...or was it the news that she had such a battle ahead of her?  Within a further four weeks she’d sat with her brother and father as they watched her mother take her final breath.

She’d never known devastation like that, never known such pain. Losing Dylan had hurt, but watching her vibrant, loving mother become a skeleton, see the life and energy get sucked out of her, had devastated Mattie.

The next few weeks she spent staring at the walls of her marital home too pained to even cry. Then the spiral had started, she lost her job, then the debtors’ letters started to arrive. As she panicked over how to manage everything, the divorce papers she’d sent out in a moment of retaliation to Dylan, hoping that the shock would bring him home, to the debt that it seemed she was now lumbered with.

It was a while until she realised that she was late...very late.

There was no way that she could keep a baby, she had tried to contact Dylan, but it seemed almost impossible, and then the divorce papers, what were meant as a shock, came back signed. He’d not contested anything; he’d given up without the slightest fight.  As she moved out of their home into a hell hole in the East end, as she negotiated repayments on that huge debt he’d left her with, she knew that there was no room for a baby, no support for a baby. She couldn’t do it. It was once again, something she had to do herself, alone.

And she still stood by that decision, she’d barely survived the first two years that followed, and there was no way she would have with a baby to feed, clothe and care for. Some days she didn’t eat, some days she didn’t sleep, she worked several jobs and ridiculously long hours to keep afloat, but also to keep her mind away from what she had done. Because it was the right thing for her, whilst it was her only choice at the time and she didn’t regret it, she still felt guilt, pain and anger every day at the choice she’d been forced to make.

Dylan was so angry, rightly so. She was sorry that he’d found out like this, she felt for him, but at the first test of new relationship, he’d run away. Again. That was inexcusable. Because when the going got tough, Dylan definitely got going.

Mattie felt raw, she couldn’t believe how the weekend had changed, but then neither was she overly surprised, really. Things had seemed too good to be true, and she’d always known that she’d tell him about the baby...he’d never have been happy, but she’d hoped to have the time to make him understand.

She heard noise behind her and when she looked up she saw Andy shouting at someone, then she realised that it was one of the managers she recognised him from the times she’d done similar work.

                “Assaulting a guest? We don’t want you back, ok?”

With that the manager slammed the door on him. Locking him outside.

When he looked up he spotted her immediately, stood across the courtyard from him, and Andy at least had the decency to look embarrassed.

                “Mattie.”

She held a hand to silence him, “don’t.”

                “Sorry.”

That made her laugh, “sorry? THAT is it?”

He gave a shrug, “I’ve been sacked...don’t know what I’m going to do now.”

Mattie was struggling to keep her anger under control, “you want sympathy? You just ruined EVERYTHING and you want me to feel sorry for you?”

He stuttered, “you were getting sucked in by him...”

She shook her head, “you know NOTHING Andy, I LOVE him, I always have. I told you about what happened,” even now she couldn’t bring herself to say the word abortion, it was abhorrent to her, and she regretted the night he found her devastated and crying on the day her baby would have been born and telling him more than she regretted the actual decision. How he could use this to hurt her he had no idea.

                “You were the only one who knew, and you just threw used it score a cheap point against someone you don’t like. What have I ever done to deserve that? For you to throw my biggest secret back in my face? To hurt me beyond believe? Why do you hate me?”

                “I don’t hate you, how could you think that? I love you.”

Tears were starting to fall, and Mattie couldn’t control them, “that’s how you treat someone you love? No wonder you are single Andy. I don’t think I can ever forgive you for this.”

                “I’m single because I spent five years courting you. Every spare bit of energy I put into helping you to get over that bastard, waiting until you were ready to move on. I was there I was that man.”

She shook her head, “I’ve never seen you like that, you were my best friend Andy, and all the time...” she shook her head in disbelief, “all the time you were plotting...I can’t think about it.”

                “I love you, you can’t leave me, you can’t walk away!”

Suddenly all those times that Dylan had blindly got close to women who had other agendas flicked into her mind, she had always blamed him for his blindness, but now as she saw exactly the same thing happening to her, she felt horrendous guilt, but not for this man who’d betrayed her, but the man who’d rushed off into the night, hurt and angry. She needed to find him, explain.

                “Don’t walk away? You are lucky I haven’t punched you. I have never given you the slightest hint that our friendship was anything more than just that. And now...” she sighed, “you used my deepest secret to purposely get one over on Dylan, that was more important than me. You are a complete bastard, how can you think I’d ever look you in the eye again?”

With that she turned and walked away ignoring his protests.

But her strength at leaving him so deliberately was short lived, she had barely any money on her, Dylan had assured her she didn’t need it as he had his wallet. So she was unable to call a cab, instead she had to walk the three miles back to the apartment in the heels from hell.  Fortunately, once she hit the centre of London she was able to get one of the free night buses and only had a short walk back to Dylan’s apartment. She had nowhere else to go, and for the first time in months, she was back to catching transport and feeling like a drain on everyone.

With a heavy heart she opened the door to the apartment, fortunately she had a key. Kicking off the heels that had rubbed her feet raw, she glanced around and noticed that Dylan’s coat wasn’t hanging near the door, his shoes weren’t there either.

In a few steps she’d confirmed that his bedroom was empty.

He’d left her.

After All - Part Forty Three

Chapter Forty Three

Mattie sat next to him as their taxi took them to the Shard, he made everything seem so simple, he could scrunch her concerns up like a leaf of paper into a ball that he could toss into the bin as garbage. And she wanted to believe him, believe all that he said, but she knew that it wasn’t that easy.  As the car stopped he jumped out of the door, then led her out, past the paparazzi hoping to catch a famous face, then into the reception of Britain’s tallest building, make that Europe’s.

With a grin and a lustful look of appreciation, he led her to the elevator. HE stood next to her, hands linked, and she had to admit that they looked like a power couple, him impeccable in a suit, slick, well fitting, her in her flowing dress. She didn’t feel classy, she never felt elegant, but as usual with Dylan guiding her, she moved on uncaring of that.

The restaurant on one of the higher floors of The Shard was reserved in its entirety for Michael Painter, but then as they had approached the building, Dylan had assured her that what Painter wanted, Painter got, he was a big player in London these days. The whole place was decorated with white feathers and glass and crystal, huge centrepieces on every surface, crystals dripped from the ceiling, casting a thousand reflections around the room, the whole thing was magical and caused Mattie to gasp.

Dylan turned to her, sensing her hesitation, but when he looked back, the look of awe and wonder on her face sent a jolt of heat through him. She had so much experience, so much poise in every situation she landed in, yet something as simple as a room like this could stun her to a standstill.

                “It’s beautiful,” she gasped, “so stunning.”

He grinned, “perfect for you!” He gave her arm a tug, “come on.”

With that he retrieved two glasses of champagne from a passing waiter, and handed her one.

She took it and sipped appreciatively, then followed him into the busy room.

Dylan tucked her hand into his elbow as an elderly couple approached; Dylan smiled genially, then introduced Matilda to them, a well known corporate lawyer. They chatted for a few moments and it wasn’t until Matilda started to become involved in those conversations that he started to relax. She was intelligent, and she was charismatic, there was no one that she couldn’t converse with, no one she couldn’t win over, but she wasn’t as confident as the woman he married. He knew that was his fault, he’d caused her self doubt, that negative introspective that was never more than a step away. He wanted her to see that she could deal with tonight, that she could be the woman that she wanted to be, she just had to trust and believe...him as well as herself.

Mattie instantly recognised Michael Painter, though it had been years since she’d seen him he hadn’t really changed, though maybe he was a little more confident and enigmatic, but then success and affluence did that to a man, she’d seen that with her own husband, or rather ex.

As soon as he spotted Dylan, Michael excused himself from the group he was entertaining and came across, both shaking Dylan’s hand, and clapping him on the back simultaneously.

                “Bloody hell Wallace, didn’t think you’d make it now that you’re ensconced across the Atlantic, great to have my oldest mate here.”

Dylan grinned, “wouldn’t miss it for the world!”

Mattie watched the perusing glance over her turn to recognition, and then shock, “what the....? Matilda? What the hell are you doing here? I thought you’d be giving him a wide berth since the...” he cupped his hands to his lips and mock whispered, “divorce!”

AS Mattie blushed, not knowing how to deal with this level of interrogation, Dylan stepped suavely into the limelight, “she’s one of my oldest friends, and yours too. Seemed right that she be here...and she’s started to forgive me for my un-spouse like behaviour. Civility is a great compromise.”

Mattie stared up at him, she wasn’t sure what that last comment made her think, after all she’d feared people seeing them as a new/old couple, but to be dismissed as just a friend kind of hurt too. His reassuring smile settled her somewhat, but without a decent discussion, working out what they both wanted, what they both felt, and how they wanted to deal with the past, the present and of course the future, she felt wrong footed. She had no idea what he was thinking.

He squeezed her hand and continued discussing things with Michael. In college they’d been good friends, and though she knew that he wasn’t close to Michael anymore, it was nice to see them chat about old times, Dylan had always been TOO independent, and often sacrificed friends for his own benefit. It was nice to see these tow still shared something. Friends were important.

So important she almost laughed, that she’d lost hers over the course of her marriage, its disastrous breakup, and then the outpouring of grief that followed her losing everything. She had Sarah, Hermione to a lesser extent, and Andy...but she hadn’t seen him for ages, so she had no one to really call a friend. Suddenly she decided that she’d rectify that, she still had loose contacts for them, her childhood friends as well as other college buddies, and with social media being what it was, that became her short term plan, to reconnect.

When she looked up at Dylan he was smiling down at her, “you were a million miles away then!” When she nodded still distracted, he took her hand, “come see this.”

Taking her to the back of the dining room, they rounded a corner and she was confronted by a breathtaking view. The whole room was glass, and had spectacular views, but from this angle they were looking both up and down the Thames, at the various bridges, all lit on the already dark night, to her left was the conglomeration of glass buildings that made up Canary Wharf, the O2 arena behind it, to her right, the regal County Hall, the Millennium Eye, and of course the grand Big Ben.

She was holding her breath, and when she looked up at him she let it go in a huge sigh, “it’s amazing here.”

He grinned, “I knew you’d like it...” when he saw her wistful face, he added, “or rather love it. We’ll come here often, ok? Whenever you want a treat, THIS is where I’ll bring you.”

It was the first time they’d mentioned the future, and whilst it wasn’t a concrete reference to years of happiness it was that snippet of hope that she needed.

                “That sounds amazing.”

Grinning he ran his hand along her arm, “it will be.” Nodding to a waiter he took two more flutes of champagne, then handing her one, he pulled her back close to her body. “So how’s your father getting on in Thailand?”

She smiled, a safe topic, he was good at that, diverting the conversation, “I spoke to him a couple of days ago, he’s settling in. He’s good.” she toyed with the glass for a moment, “I promised him I’d visit, soon. I’ve not been out there before.”

His eyes widened, “me neither, it’s apparently an amazing place...we could go together? A holiday, a chance for me to make good with your father?”

                “You’d come with me? Really?”

He slid a hand up to cup her cheek, “I’m going everywhere with you now. That’s what this is, isn’t it?”

She nodded, “I’d like that.”

                “Wallace! Should’ve known you’d be here!”

They both spun around as though they’d been burned, and stood there grinning hands on hips was Patrick, the closest thing that Dylan had to a friend.

                “Bloody hell Mr Landry, you’ll worm your way into any freebie bar, wont’ you?”

The other man winked in an amused manner then cast his eyes on Matilda with surprise, “and Matilda? This is your date for the night?”

Matilda blushed, “um...sort of...”

Patrick laughed, “this is an ‘over several beers’ kind of story, I can sense that!”

Dylan stepped protectively in between the banter, both physically and metaphorically, “she’s here as my guest Landry, you need to know no more. If you value a friendship!”

Patrick lifted his eye brows in a knowing way, “ah, it’s like that!”

He gave Matilda a gentle nudge, “LOVE that you’ve got him on the run!”

Mattie sighed, she didn’t feel as though she had him on the run, quite the opposite, but she looked at Patrick, a charming hulk of a man who was as funny as he was attentive, and all too soon she was engrossed in his stories of escapades and disasters that involved both him and Dylan over the last few years. Several drinks were consumed as the room seemed to get busier and busier.

All too soon a voice was calling the gathered crowds back through to the dining room for dinner to be served. Michael had married his wife Diana in Mexico eighteen months earlier, and so tonight’s menu paid homage to that, a buffet of Mexican nibbles, tortillas, dips, along with burritos individually made by an army of chefs with a variety of fillings.

Mattie was well aware that eating too much would affect her ability to breathe in her dress, but several glasses of champagne needed to be absorbed by food. So she selected what she hoped was the lightest filling of chicken and salad, much to the chagrin of the chefs.

                “So how’s the hotel running?” Patrick joined her at the small table overlooking the Thames.

She wiped at her mouth, wishing she was a better eater when she was starving, “yes, it’s good. Really busy, which is the main thing. You should come play golf; we’re trying to get a PGA competition there in maybe two years. If we do...then it’ll become THE place to play...you might not get a tee.” She ended the comment with a sparkle of humour in her eye.

He lifted an eyebrow, “doesn’t tolerating your bastard of a boss on a regular basis get me ANY leeway?”

She placed a finger on her lips, a deliberately pondering gesture, “hmmm, maybe we could work on an arrangement where you take him out of our hair for a while and leave us to get on with our jobs?”

                “Now I sense some gossip! Is he a demon boss?”

Mattie chuckled, “he’s ok. He’s like them all, throws his hand in, often where it’s not overly necessary.”

Patrick laughed loudly, “there are SO many stories I want to get out of you!”

                “What have I missed?” Dylan sat between them and looked repeatedly at each of them.

Both of them chuckled and averted their eyes.

Before they’d finished eating, Michael stood and spoke to the people gathered, there were probably two hundred people there, some very familiar faces, others that she couldn’t quite place, but all were enthralled with his witty take on the last thirty years. She remembered Michael being on the debating team at college, he was a natural talker and had all the room engrossed, and laughing.

                “So you and Patrick seemed quite cosy just then?”

Dylan had leaned in close and his breath on her ear was making the hair on her neck stand on end, her body swirl with longing.

                “You jealous?”

He chuckled, “should I be?”

Even jokes had a little awkwardness to them as they hadn’t discussed boundaries for their relationship, Mattie thought she was about to explode, “no, of course not. Dylan, we need to discuss this, what’s going on...we can’t go on without that.”

He nodded, “you and your talking!” When she lifted her eyebrows indignantly, he sighed, “no, you’re right, now we’re out here, it’s difficult...talking about things...”

She nodded, “how can we explain what we are to other people if we don’t know ourselves?”

                “But we’re everything to each other, aren’t we?”

She sighed, “we will be, but it’s early days...”

                “Are you saying you aren’t happy?”

She shook her head, pulling his hands into hers, “don’t think like that, I want to be with you more than anything...but we can’t just dive back into what we had. We have to get to know each other again...so much has happened.”

He grinned, “but the past is the past, we agreed that. We just need to work on the future.”

Rolling her eyes, she let him sweep her into a kiss, one that for a moment made them both forget where they were.

A fake cough caused them to break apart, and Mattie knew she was blushing, there was a time and a place for excessive affection in public, and this was neither.  Dylan gave her a conspiratorial wink, before they both turned in the direction of the voice.

Mattie felt her face flush part shock, part embarrassed at coming face to face with Andy. He was wearing a uniform, obviously working the bar or catering. How far she’d come in six months, crossing the line from working, to being a guest at one of these parties.

                “Andy! How are you?”

She pulled him into a hug, then watched in horror as the two men glared at each other with animosity.

                “Dylan,” she tried to ease the tension, “you remember Andy? My good friend. Andy,” she turned to him, “you remember Dylan, my...” Did she say boss? Ex husband? Lover? THAT was the issue.

                “The bastard ex-husband who ruined your life? Yeah, I remember him.” He purposely turned his back to Dylan and stared at her, “what the fuck are you doing?”  

Mattie hated conflict, and hated that Andy was hurt...she’d barely seen him since she’d moved to Dylan’s, she should have realised he’d be upset.

                “Sorry I haven’t been over for a while.”

He gave a huff, “yeah right.”

                “Andy!”

He laughed a harsh sound, “Andy what? You up and leave at the whim of the man who broke your heart? Is that what you’re telling me? You are deluded, stupid and a user, do you hear me?”

Mattie gasped and was about to protest when Dylan spoke, he stepped forward, placing his hand on Andy’s shoulder, “don’t speak to her like that mate, there’s no need.”

Mattie smiled appreciatively at him as Andy laughed again, “who the fuck are YOU to tell ME what to do? I have spent years being the unpaid counsellor for the trauma you caused her, and you come back for five minutes, flashing cash and she rolls over, legs in the air like some desperate dog!”

                “Take that back!” Dylan snarled, reaching for Andy’s shirt.

                “Stop it,” Mattie hissed, grabbing Dylan’s arm. “I’m sorry Andy, but there’s no need to be nasty, can we talk tomorrow?”

Before he could answer, Dylan shook his head, “that’s not a good idea.”

Andy laughed, “really? You’re telling her what to do now? Bloody hell Mattie.”

                “Look, can you please leave us alone Andy. We are guests at this party.”

Mattie grimaced as Dylan spoke, he sounded condescending, patronising even, and as she turned to ask Dylan to give them a moment, Andy carried on.

                “So you two are 'it' now? Is that it? Love’s young dream? After ALL that happened? And you are just forgiving him Mattie, as simple as that.” Again he didn’t give her time to speak, “and does he know? Does he know what you did?”

Mattie felt as though someone had pulled the carpet from under her feet, she staggered, heat engulfing her at the same time as dread. Andy was the only one who knew her darkest secrets. As he opened his mouth to speak she reached for his arm, “Andy please.”

She was fighting panic, pure unadulterated panic, and as he turned to her she spotted sympathy, understanding for a brief second in his eyes, until Dylan laughed, “no, come on Andy. Spill the beans, there’s nothing you can tell me that I don’t know about her!”

He looked so confident so happy, that she could barely focus on his face as the now angry Andy ignored her feelings, her wishes, as he stated simply, angrily, “you know everything? Even how she got rid of your baby? She tell you that Mr Perfect? Cos she told me!”