Never Again - 28

Chapter 28 - picking up the pieces

 

Erin LOVED this apartment, it was everything that London should be, old fashioned - it had one of those cage lifts in the hallway, the high ceilings, full length sash windows were all exactly how London apartments should be. But there was a private roof terrace nestled between the chimneys of adjacent buildings that captured the afternoon sun and was modern and well designed, and should seem out of character, but didn't. They’d shared the bedroom again last night, the guest room was London small and Erin couldn’t see Jack out of his own bed for her. And again it had been cute, cuddly and very friendly.

Looking at herself in the full length mirror, Erin groaned, suddenly her stomach had started to not so much expand as swell. She felt like she’d eaten the heaviest meal, and it was slightly uncomfortable lying on her belly. With a sigh of unexplained origin, she dressed into a sundress and sandals, it was a warm August afternoon, then left the building t meet her mother.

Jack had insisted that she only be out for a few hours at a time, so when she met her mother, they wandered for a little while, talking a little - neutral subjects, then made for their favourite lunch haunt.

                “So has Dad recovered?” Erin asked the question from behind the menu in a slightly chicken way.

Her mother laid down her own menu, “I think that your Jack is opening a lot of raw wounds for him, he never really accepted the end of his career, and this is like a knife in the chest to him.” She steepled her fingers, “he shouldn’t have reacted as he did, and he should, and will apologise, but you know how stubborn he is!”

She nodded, “I do.” He’d not spoken to his own brother for five years, all over a misunderstanding, he seemed to get even more resistant and stubborn when he realised he was in the wrong. This could be a long process.

                “He loves you though, and he’ll be happy about the baby, you’ll see. He’s just worried about things, he remembers last year, he took your marriage break up so badly...”

Erin gave out a sigh, “Mum, you have to stop making bull shit excuses for him, otherwise I’ll have to leave. The break up was hard, and I know it affected you both, but I’m over it now, so you both need to be.”

Her mother was a little stunned, but after a moment she replied, “I suppose you’re right. But I know he isn’t as bad as he lets himself appear.”

Erin nodded, “I know, I do.”

It was never going to be the usual easy friendship with her father stood like a barrier between them, but as she waved her mother goodbye and headed back to the apartment she was glad that they’d seen each other that day. It was too easy for them all to fall out.

Curled up on the sofa, Erin was contemplating which movie she was going to watch when her phone rang. Jack.

                “Hey Erin!” She smiled at the pleasure in his voice. “Did you see we won?” She didn’t have time to reply before he added, “I won’t be really late, but everyone is going to this club night...it’s Macca’s birthday...”

She interrupted him, “you don’t have to explain yourself to me, you do what you want honest!”

                “You’re home alone, it’s Saturday night.”

                “I’m curled up on the sofa watching X factor, I’m fine!” She sighed, “you are allowed to have a life, ok?”

She woke early the next morning, at some point that she vaguely remembered, jack had come home and curled up next to her. Now he was flat on his back snoring, but that hadn’t woken her, the pain in her stomach had. It had grumbled all night, but the last thing she wanted was to worry Jack. The last thing she wanted was to admit that it was happening, or to wonder what it meant. So she set about making breakfast...then resting on the sofa.

Tea and toast seemed to sooth her tummy, and she hoped that it had been hunger that had woken her; she was very likely to become paranoid. Glancing at the watch she saw it was still only eight am, too early to phone Dr Carter.

Barney was curled up in a corner, not particularly approving of the lack of garden in the apartment, so she let him out onto the small roof terrace, then lowered herself into one of the padded recliners. It was a pleasant morning, the sun was shining, there was barely a cloud in the sky, other than the trails of the dozens of aeroplanes that seemed to constantly fill the London skyline.

She was still there when a hand ruffled her hair, and a gruff voice said, “Next time I call to say I’m going out, don’t agree. Shout stop! Tempt me with any offer, but don’t let me go. Ok?”

Erin turned to smile up at Jack, “that bad?”

                “I am dying a million deaths!” He slumped into the seat opposite her, “I can’t even begin to figure out how I’m going to manage to drive us back later today...then there’s training tomorrow...”

Erin giggled, pulling herself to her feet, “how does Alka-Seltzer, coffee and a greasy bacon sandwich grab you? Hangover cure guaranteed. And if not I can drive.” He made to protest but she merely added, “if you’re protesting about the effects of the drive on my health, then remember it’s safer for me than you with a hangover, and if the protest is the thought of me driving your car...then you can just as easily wear the coffee I’m about to make!”

Laughing he reached for her as she passed him, wrapping his arms around her and resting his head on her stomach.  “I can’t think of anything that complicated!” She placed a hand on his head, loving the intimacy of the moment, then headed back into the lounge.  After making the breakfast she’d promised she called him in from outside, and as he ate, amidst groans, Erin made herself busy collecting their things, they really needed to leave by lunchtime.

Her things were easily packed, so she started on Jack’s, he was now horizontal on the sofa, a cold cloth covering his eyes, so there was no chance of him sorting out anything. His kit bag had gone straight back to Manchester after the game, and he’d collected most of his clothing, it was the items from the previous night that were scattered around the bedroom. Folding the shirt draped on the bed post she tucked it into his bag, then there were the jeans tossed on the floor in the corner of the room. As she lifted them to fold them, some cash fell onto the floor. Storing his underwear and shoe sin the same bag she’d zipped it up before she noticed the money.

Bending down to retrieve it she spotted a piece of yellow paper between the ridiculous amount of notes. Tugging it free she saw the emblem of a well known club, and inscribed below was a message.

                “You are so wonderful, call me? Betsie 07878755511263”

Erin felt sick. Stopping she tried to control her breathing, the nausea, the fear, the pain, the plethora of emotions that those words had caused. Sitting down she rationalised, he’d been home by two. She knew that, he hardly looked like a man who’d been with a woman called Betsie. She could be anyone. If only she’d had an idea with Max, she’d believe and trust people more, but he’d ruined things for her. Now all she saw was betrayal.

Jack was a guy with needs, and she was a long way from fulfilling them all. She wasn’t the glamorous type that had flocked around him for years; he’d made her feel special. But that was it, she clearly wasn’t his type, and now she wasn’t able to offer him anything sexual. He’d not pushed her, not looked for it, maybe that was where Betsie had come in. The thought brought back the nausea, and she had to shake her head to clear it, her biggest fear remained that whilst she carried his baby he seemed determined to be the perfect gent, who knew what would happen once it was born. 

Jack was quiet all the way home, he wasn’t quite as green as this morning, but he was a long way from well. And that suited Erin as she was happy to drive in silence, her thoughts were racing at a ridiculous speed and she wasn’t overly happy with the direction they were taking her.

                “I’m sorry!” He groaned as he carried the bags in from the car. “I promised I’d look after you...”

Erin smiled, “we’re all allowed to let our hair down. Once in awhile!”

Jack kicked the front door closed behind them, “try telling my gaffer tomorrow! Dreading it!”

Erin headed for the kitchen, “lucky I’ve got food in the fridge for us, hey? Why don’t you go change, or even better have a shower? That might make you feel human again.”

Leaning against the doorway to the hallway he grinned, “What would I do without you?”

With an exaggerated laugh she replied, “you’d be fine, you’d not even notice...now go, I’ll have dinner ready in forty minutes.

AAs was apparently normal for this time of year, Jack spent a lot of time that week around training at advertising and corporate functions. He was the face for a new aftershave, and also was due to be part of the latest football game advertising strategy. So after training he was at various meetings and shoots. Some nights he got home very late, and Erin was already in bed, other times it was as she was sat watching TV, that seemed to be as good as it got for her at the moment.

The only time Erin wasn’t in the house stuck in front of the TV, was when she had an appointment with Dr Carter. And Jack of course was determined to be there.

It was Thursday afternoon and as Dr Carter called her from the waiting room, Jack burst through the door as though his house was on fire.

                “Phew! Thought I was going to miss you!”  Grinning he fell into stride next to Erin, taking her hand. Erin rolled her eyes in answer.

                “So no bleeding?” the doctor asked gesturing to the seats opposite her.  When Erin agreed, she sat opposite the couple. “Are you feeling well?”

                “Tired...bored...the usual.” She glanced sideways at Jack; he was going to hate her for this. “And I did have some pain over the weekend. Like period pain...but it settled.”

As predicted her spun around to face her, anger and anguish marring his face, “you didn’t tell me!”  He turned to the doctor, “she never tells me anything!”

As Erin made to respond Dr Carter smiled at him, “I presume that’s more that she doesn’t’ want to believe it rather than a deliberate attempt to cut you out.” turning back to Erin with a smile she offered, “not every niggle is a worry, as the baby grows it’s normal to feel some cramp like feelings. The uterus has to expand. If it becomes more than that it may be something more significant, but as long as you’re sensible then you’re doing all you can. Ok? This isn’t your fault; it’s just one of those tough luck things.”

Erin smiled appreciatively at the doctor, then sighed as Jack’s fingers entwined with hers. The doctor was right; all she could do was follow instructions. This baby couldn’t be more loved than by her, and Jack, she conceded, he was as excited as her. She’d given up her independence and her freedom for it, Jack had given up his carefree life and the callings of his libido. She remembered the note from ‘Betsie’. The fact it hurt to think about him with anyone else told her how strongly she felt about him, over the last few months he had become everything to her, her companion, confidante, protector, defender, the image of him as a white knight on his trusted steed, sword ready to charge rushed into her mind. She had to smile to hide it.

Back at the house, Jack insisted on cooking, he was useless, but he’d bought a recipe book. Ironically Erin found it more difficult to watch him incompetently chop vegetables and then badly manage the cooking, but she knew that to point out his short comings would seem like criticisms. So she ignored the over cooked chicken - it was better than undercooked, and the randomly chopped and therefore randomly cooked vegetables, and appreciated it for what it was, a meal not cooked by her.  

The following day was a home game for Jack, whilst he wanted her to attend, she wasn’t ready for the attention and the hassle, plus she figured the excitement of watching the game might be bad for her.

So she swam, the pool wasn’t huge, but it was slightly warm and she loved to swim, gently but steadily. After that she took a shower and was in her robe in the kitchen trying to decide what morsel from the fridge would ease the erratic hunger that came over her in wafts when the phone rang.

                “Hello?” She wasn’t expecting anyone, so the cal was a surprise.

A quiet yet broadly Irish voice replied, “I was looking for Jack. It’s his mother.”

Erin immediately felt cold, ridiculously so, this was what she had dreaded, being confronted by his parents, without him to introduce them, to smooth things over. Typical that he wasn’t there...but then his mother would know that he was playing.

                “He’s currently about to walk out onto the pitch...but you’d know that being his mother.” She tried to keep the animosity out of her voice, but she felt threatened.

His mother chuckled, “Touché! I presume that you are the beautiful Erin that I saw in pictures last week...I was phoning to speak to the woman who seems  to have managed to tame my son!”

Never Again - 27

Chapter 27 - getting on with life

Erin’s mother turned back to Jack, “nice to meet you, and call me Sara.”

Jack nodded and gave a gracious smile, then looked down at Erin, she looked terrified. It was his first chance to study Dan Bailey, though he had seen him play a lot when he was young. He was a distinguished man, he’d aged well, he was tall, broad and seemed younger than his sixty plus years, in fact he barely had a grey hair on his head, he was frowning, and that gave him an imposing appearance, not that Jack was scared. His father had been more threatening when he’d been in his teens than this man could ever be to him as an adult.

Turning to the door, jack smiled at the older man, “and you of course Mr Bailey, a face I remember from childhood.” Extending a hand he forced Erin’s father to accept the hand shake, “saying that it’s not the face that I remember, but that goal against Italy, what was it 1981? It’s played every time England play the Azzurri, and quite rightly so. Great game and a great goal!”

Jack watched the older man struggle to deal with his enthusiasm, so he decided to keep unsettling him. “Sorry that you had to hear about me dating your daughter from the bloody paps, I really hate that.”

With a grunt, Danny Bailey turned and walked back into the house, when Jack turned to look at the other two women he saw reluctant smiles on their faces. They’d been apprehensive of the contact between the two men, but it seemed that he’d diffused everyone’s tension.

With his own smile, he held out a hand to Erin and they interlinked fingers, suddenly she could see he was right, their solidarity was vital, any hint of the truth about their relationship, or lack of would spell disaster.  As they entered the house he squeezed her hand then when she looked up at him smiled down at her.

                “Coffee?” Sara offered and jack replied enthusiastically.

                “That would be great Mrs...Sara!” He added at her look of chastisement. “With milk if possible.”

Sara smiled then filled the machine.

There was no sign of Danny, so the three sat at the kitchen table and drank coffee, Jack answering Erin’s mother’s questions, Erin watching the interaction with interest. When her mother finally left them alone on the pretence of visiting the bathroom, he edged his chair closer to Erin’s.

                “You ok? You’re quiet!”

She sighed, “I didn’t think this would work, but you’re right, my dad is a moody git anyway, but my mother seems happy...but then I’ve got to tell them about the baby.”

He nodded, “and we’re grown adults, we don’t need their approval. But they love you, they already have grandchildren they love...it’ll be fine, you’ll see!”

When Sara returned, she announced excitedly that Erin’s brother and his wife were going to join them for lunch; the recently mentioned grandchildren were out with their maternal grandparents. Within moments, just like the old days, Erin was drawn into helping cook the meal. Erin’s father had finally lowered himself to join them and the two men were at opposite ends of the table both perusing Sport’s sections from various Sunday papers.

Half an hour later Jack had broached the topic of golf successfully and a begrudging conversation had been struck up. Erin had shared a few knowing glances with her mother as things seemed to get a little easier.

Then Peter and Yvonne had burst in bearing wine, beaming smiles on their faces. What could possibly go wrong?

Jack fortunately hadn’t drunk alcohol despite the copious amounts being passed around; he’d have hated to rely on Erin in her current state which could only be described as extreme shock. Any ground work he’d made with Erin’s father had come crashing down in an awful display of male bravado.

He knew he was part to blame, the man was a pompous old fool, but he was also protective of his daughter. So when Jack had misread a few warmer conversations with Danny Bailey, he’d misjudged timing hugely and announced that they were having a baby.

For a split second he’d seen delight on Sara’s face, but that soon mirrored Erin’s shock as Danny turned to him, both hands on the table, threatening to rear up like some python waiting to strike.

               

                “You what? ‘You’re having a baby’! What? Do you expect us to jump up and down that ‘you’ some fly-by-night playboy has chosen our daughter for your five minutes of fun? I know people like you!”

Jack adopted a similarly aggressive position, “Mr Bailey, whether you like it or not this is happening! Your daughter lives with me, we want to be together and we want this baby.”

                “You don’t know WHAT you want! Just a few weeks ago you were in the paper with some dizzy blonde! My daughter may have shit choice in men, but she has way too much intelligence for you!”

                “Danny calm down, be sensible!”

Sara tried her best, but she wasn’t having any effect. Jack glanced at Erin and she looked like death, after their scare previously he didn’t want this to get out of hand.

                “Mr Bailey, Erin hasn’t been well...I don’t think this fighting is good for her.”

                “Fighting?” As Danny set off in another tirade of anger and abuse, Sara turned to her daughter.

                “You’ve been ill?”

Erin nodded, ignoring the two men who were rutting like stags, “low lying placenta. I bled a lot, I’ve had to stop work...rest...hopefully it’ll be just a precaution.”

As Sara nodded, Jack took Erin’s hand, “let’s leave love, this is all a bit ridiculous...”

                “What is it with you trying to tell me what’s best for MY daughter?” they were still arguing around them.

Jack smiled apologetically at the stunned faces of Peter and Yvonne, he turned back to Danny, “I don’t know why you’re being so unreasonable, I admit this may not be the fairy tale you wanted for your daughter, but we’re happy, really happy about this baby, and whether you like it or not, our lives will be linked forever. How you feel about Erin? I already feel about her and that baby, MY baby.”

Standing he led Erin to the door, “thank you for your hospitality Sara...Peter...Yvonne,” he nodded an acknowledgment to each of them, then smiled at Danny, “Mr Bailey.”

Once Barney caught up to them, they were gone.

Erin hadn’t spoken for the first forty minutes. So they’d driven in silence.

                “You need to stop?” he glanced across when she didn’t answer and saw tears rolling down her face.

With a groan he took the next exit off the motorway and pulled off the road. Turning in his seat, he took her hands, “hey, I’m sorry. I should’ve held my tongue.”

She shook her head, then looked up at him, “no you were right, I didn’t have the strength to tell them. But all you said, you’re right. He...thanks. For everything.”

Using his thumbs he wiped the tears from her eyes, “it’s ok, I meant what I said, I’m seeing things differently. Suddenly my life has purpose. That’s because of you. I’ll do anything to protect and support you both. Don’t ever forget that. Ok?”

When she nodded, biting her lip in such an innocent way, he slipped the car back into gear and rejoined the motorway. 

Erin was shaking with cold or despair, she wasn’t sure. But she knew that she was glad of Jack’s arms around her as he woke her outside his house. Helping her indoors he led her straight to the lounge and settled her on a sofa then made her tea. Hoping that it would work as it seemed to on TV.

She drank silently, then stood. “I need sleep Jack.” When he nodded an understanding, she added, “Would you hold me? Just hold me?”

Jack felt like whooping. She’d pushed him away for so long, the thought of holding her, letting her sleep in his arms was a painful thought, but it was a start, a move in the right direction. He kept his answering smile enigmatic and assisted her upstairs. 

Diving in his bedroom he slipped into shorts and a t-shirt reaching her room just at the moment Erin emerged from the en suite in those ridiculous strappy short pyjamas. The sort that would make a quick glance torture, having her wrapped around him...he was definitely testing his saintly side.

Pulling back the duvet he helped her into bed, then wandered around to the other side and climbed in himself. And then she snuggled up to him, all soft curves, and lemony perfume, and sighs...it was the little sigh that crippled him with lust.

It had been a hellish day, but Erin couldn’t fault Jack’s behaviour, her father despised him his good fortune, he had become a far greater football player than her father had had chance to be. He was jealous of him, she could see that, and disliked him because he had a reputation for being hot-headed, some might say passionate, but not her father. He thought he was spoilt, childish, overindulged. He couldn’t be more wrong, and if anything he’d showed himself to be that childish pathetic man. And she was embarrassed.

But jack Reilly, well Jack had done the right thing, he hadn’t resorted to name calling, point scoring or beating his chest, he’d merely tried to explain how things were, respond to her father’s accusations, then when that proved fruitless, he’d offered her his complete support and protected her, taken her away from the trauma of it all, and he hadn’t forced her to analyse it all the way home either.

And now, she was snuggled into him, her nose against his neck, head on his shoulder, and his arms wrapped tightly around her. And he was warm, hard and smelled so good.

The hand that rested on his stomach wandered under the t-shirt he wore and she gasped against his skin as she felt the warm skin of his body, his response was a similar moan, and his lips connected with her forehead.

As she tilted her head back to meet his lips, wanting nothing more than to lose herself in him, Jack sighed, “remember what the doctor said Erin, don’t make this too difficult, will you?”

How could she forget that mortifying moment in the doctor’s office when sitting together still scared stiff at the thought that they could lose the baby, and Doctor Carter warning that along with no work, no lifting, no strenuous activity, there was “no sex, definitely not, and I don’t just mean intercourse. Any contraction of the uterus could set things off, and I don’t know how that would end.”

At the time Erin had blushed to the ends of her hair she was so mortified, but Jack as usual took it all in his stride, smiling and murmuring an “of course”.  

Oh yes she remembered that ok. With a sigh she nodded, then turned her body towards his and closed her eyes.

Jack was having rather different memories lying there, and wondered how long it would take until she was fast asleep and he could disappear into an ice cold shower.

During the week Erin’s mother called several times, her father was still livid, she admitted she thought that a large part of that was anger at himself, but her father was stubbornly proud, they both knew that.

                “Do you want to meet up? Do some shopping?”

Erin sighed, “I’m so tired Mum, and I really don’t want to push things, I’m so worried.”

                “Of course, are you still going to Michelle’s next weekend? Maybe I could come into London and see you?”

It was Michelle’s birthday the following weekend and the two girls had always done things together. Ironically Jack’s first game of the season was also in the capital that weekend, so he’d agreed she could go, as long as she’d let him drive, and not gallivant in her usual mad way.

It was hard succumbing to his demands so wholly, but she really didn’t have a choice.

                “That would be great. I’m meeting Michelle on Friday evening, then there’s football on Saturday, so I’m at a loose end.”

Her mother was quiet for a moment, “I’m happy to meet you with Jack if that helps Erin, I’m not like your Dad, you know that.”

                “I know Mum, but it’s fine. I’m staying at his apartment; do you want to come there? See how things are?”

That was as concrete as their plans really could be.

Jack had got special permission to not be at the team hotel the night before the inaugural match, so that he could accompany Erin to Michelle’s birthday meal. He was keeping up the attentiveness that he’d shown since he found out she was pregnant, and since the blow with her father they had a closeness that they’d missed out on before. Erin was happy, happier than she had been for a long time, despite everything.

Never Again - 26

Chapter 26 - meet the family

                “So what are your plans?” Erin asked after breakfast as he bundled her into his car.

                “Shopping! Then lunch, then...I don’t know a movie. What do normal couples do on a day off?”

She laughed, “We’re not a normal couple Jack. You can’t pretend that we are!”

He closed the door after she’d climbed into the passenger seat, then wandered around to the driver’s seat. “We are two people living together, having a baby, that makes us a couple, even if you’ve made the relationship a little unorthodox.”

                “Me?” she spluttered. “I’m the only one thinking straight obviously. I’ll accompany you shopping, eat lunch with you, and I’ll pretend to whoever is listening that I’m your significant other, but that doesn’t mean I am, or ever will be.”

He leaned across to her, stopping his lips to a fraction from her ear, “we’ve got a connection Erin, we’re good together, and I KNOW that you relive our nights together as much as I do.”

Erin was approaching a state of meltdown, his words, his closeness, it was all smashing her defences to smithereens, any thought that she could resist Jack was evaporating by the second, and was that his tongue? On her earlobe? The moan that escaped her lips was completely involuntary, and she snapped her lips closed to try and disguise it. But Jack’s deep chuckle told her he knew exactly how he was affecting her. At some point she’d closed her eyes, but when she opened them, his hands were on the steering wheel, his eyes on the road and he was driving off into the distance.

Erin had heard about the Trafford Centre but never been there, and if the car park was anything to judge it by, it was a far larger shopping centre than she had ever imagined. Jack’s face lit up as he got out of the car, then he spotted her rather more concerned face.

                “You don’t like shopping?”

She groaned, “I don’t mind a couple of shops, but I’m not really up for hours of plodding around. And what sort of man are you to be so excited?”

He laughed, slinging an arm around her shoulder, “the type that wants to treat the mother of his baby to some special things!”

Sighing she allowed him to lead her into the chaos. It was a weekday, the sun was shining and so she presumed that this constituted quiet, though it was anything but. Thankfully it was air conditioned; otherwise Erin would doubt she’d survive.

                “So I’ve got a confession to make...”

It was the sort of comment that caused one to stop dead in their tracks, glancing up at him slowly, Erin fought nausea and anxiety, “And that is?”

Jack grinned, and for a moment it made everything ok, “I brought you out for a reason, I want to buy you a really sparkly dress as Friday evening I have a charity dinner to attend and it’s about time we appeared together!”

With a smiled he carried on leading her towards the shops, but she dug in her heels, like a stubborn dog, and he was forced to stop and turn around.  

                “We’re not some romantic couple Jack, you are getting confused.”

He smiled, “we live in the same home, we are a couple of sorts. What’s the alternative? We both spend our time doing different things? I leave you home alone then attend these things on my own? It doesn’t make sense.”

None of it made sense, that was the problem, how had she ended up in this position? Yet again she was to be a fake trophy on a man’s arm at a charity dinner. Shuddering, she dropped her head and followed Jack. He was making her life secure, and she supposed she owed him something, but she wasn’t falling into this like she had with Max, she’d play her part, but that’s as far as it went.

He left her in a department store where he’d encouraged a more than eager assistant to help her spend vast quantities of his money. Erin had no idea where he’d gone, but the lingerie was so soft, even the holdup stockings, she filled a basket in just that department.

By the time he returned, Erin was a little embarrassed by the amount she’d selected. He was grinning from ear to ear.

                “Something pleasing you?”

He was carrying a small bag from a gaming shop and it warranted her raised eyebrows, “ok, the new FIFA game for Xbox came out today...”

She laughed, “I thought you’d have stuff like that sent to you!”

He shrugged, “I wanted to bring you out, two things at once, you know?”

It made her feel a little easier, but when they pulled up at a quiet cafe several miles away for lunch, she had to share her fears. As they waited for their sandwiches sat under a parasol in a quiet she sipped on her sparkling water, then turned to him.

                “I find it all uncomfortable.”

                “What?” he was attentive, turning to study her, listen to her.

She sighed, “You paying for everything, being reliant on you...it’s hard for me, I’m usually independent.” She omitted that the last time she’d lost that had been by the last man to penetrate her heart. “I know that you’ll tell me fifty reasons why it’s not bad, but all I want is to be me. And this...” she gestured randomly around herself, “this isn’t me, and it’s hard.”

                “But...” he made to protest, but she raised a hand.

                “Jack, just try and understand, ok? I met you four months ago and hated you for so long, now I’m living in your house, spending your money, you’re even taking time to entertain me...”

He laughed, “I like you Erin, you’re funny, you make me laugh. There are millions of women I’d not spend time with, I can assure you. As for the money, you are about to be the mother of my child, I didn’t know how cherished that person would be until now, until it happened. I admire you, I’m in awe of you...no money can make up for the sacrifices you are making.”

It was a great speech, and music to the ears of a hormonally challenged woman.

                “You sure you’re ok with this?” Jack asked as he straightened his bowtie, then turned to watch her come down the stairs. A vision of beauty. She’d chosen a deep blue dress, appropriately full length, clinging to her low cut cleavage, before cascading down to the floor. It was loose, but soft, flowing, and it hid the gently expanding waist line that she was still self conscious about. The fact that he found it so attractive was incidental. “You look stunning!” His words were a croak, emotion threatening his voice. She was beautiful, he was so lucky to have her in his life in any capacity.

He watched her slowly descend the final steps to join her in the hallway, “could say the same about you, you look very handsome!”

With a theatrical bow he accepted her compliment, then led her to the car.  5the hotel was a twenty minute drive into the City, Jack was driving as he had a friendly the following day, there was no formal curfew as such pre season, but he wasn’t stupid anymore, his days of flaunting rules were behind him.

He drove into the underground car park and pulled in to a space, then helped her inside. The whole evening was surreal, it was a children’s cancer charity, and the place was full. Jack was inundated with people wanting photos and autographs, she was glad when the night ended.

                “You tired?” he asked as they waltzed around the dancefloor. He’d been the epitome of  the perfect companion that evening, introducing her to everyone, yet never abandoning her, ensuring her orange juice was constantly filled, he was attentive, verbalised her thoughts as she people watched...she wouldn’t have expected more from Michelle. It was a long way from the numerous functions she’d attended with Max, sitting alone watching him ‘network’ thought that was his term for flirting with anything female, or rich...when it came to greed he was non-discriminate.

She nodded, “long day, how the hell did I ever work?”

He chuckled, spinning her rather enthusiastically, “who knows! We’ll go soon, think you can hang on another half an hour?”

After a celebrity auction, a few speeches, they were excused. Jack led her out to the car, a valet had driven it up from the garage, and once she was in safely, he got in beside her and zoomed off.

The next day was absorbed with a game for Jack, and Erin was glad of the chance to sleep, relax, and just be. She had sent her mother a message to inform her that she was visiting the next morning, then settled in to wait for him to come home.

Jack called about seven, he and Scott were having a few drinks...she’d laughed and assured him he didn’t need her permission, but he knew how important the following day was to her. Despite a late night - she was asleep before he came home, as promised, Sunday morning, bright and early, he loaded her and Barney into his car and started for her parents’ home. She managed to direct him, despite wanting to curl up and go to sleep.

After an hour, and a hold up due to road works, Erin was stiff, uncomfortable, and desperate for the bathroom. So once they’d put a few miles past the hold up, she begged him to pull off the road.

Jack in his sunglasses and a baseball cap became more difficult to recognise, but as they walked into the motorway service station for a bathroom break, Erin suddenly wished she’d had a disguise. As they passed the newsagent at the entry to the service area, the Sunday newspapers caught her eye.  Emblazoned on the front page of one of the tabloid papers was a photo of her being escorted from the ball a few nights earlier, protectively wrapped in the arms of Jack.

He spotted the picture at exactly the same time as she did, and he whisked her into a quiet corner, trying to control the meltdown he knew was coming.

Erin was panicking; the last thing she wanted was this, to be news of the world. Everyone would see it, she’d be talked about, judged...her parents probably knew. Shit! It was so difficult to control her anger, her fear and her anxiety. She’d not wanted to be in the limelight, not like this, and she wanted to turn and run away.

                “Calm down,” he whispered his lips at her ear, though it was more like a hiss. “You’re hyperventilating, just take a deep breath and chill for a moment.”

                “Chill?” She looked up at him, tears in her eyes, “I didn’t want this, I can’t...”

He sighed, “When the baby’s born people will know. I’m not hiding it, or you from anyone, I’m sorry that you’re today’s piece of news, but this is how I live my life, and I can guarantee tomorrow will see a different headline. I can’t help this, and whilst I can try and diffuse things, ultimately I’m not ashamed about you or our baby. I want to protect you from it all but I can’t stop everything.”

Erin was trying to take deep breaths, trying to fight the lightheaded sensation that threatened to engulf her. Jack’s thumb brushed her bottom lip, and once again she lifted her eyes to his, in surprise this time. It was so long since he’d touched her, and it felt so natural.

Jack did the only thing he could think of in this situation, he kissed her. And for him it was like coming home. For a moment she was resistant, but within seconds she’d parted her lips, responded to the inquisition of his tongue by joining her own to the battle, her arms linking around his neck, she pulled him as close to her as she could.

Jack couldn’t hide his response to such a passionate kiss, his body was as taught as a bowstring, and he wanted to rip at her clothing. But they were in a service station. This was all wrong time, wrong place. With extreme reluctance he pulled back and looked down at her closed eyes, parted lips, blissful expression and another bolt of desire juddered through him. Then her eyes flicked open and it was all over, the moment shattering like glass. Shrugging free of his arms, Erin stormed off into the distance.

In the sanctity of a toilet booth, she collapsed into sitting and sank her head into her hands. She was in a swirling pit of hell, she was about to face her parents, tell them that about the baby, and now all this made it even more difficult to deal with. She didn’t deal with confrontation very well, that’s why Max had got away with things for so long. But she couldn’t avoid today, and one thing she knew was that Jack wasn’t going to let her avoid this. Then there was that bloody kiss. She couldn’t even begin to contemplate how that had made her feel.

Standing at the mirror, she realised how pale she looked, so she pinched her cheeks, it didn’t help but the pain distracted her. Finding her shades, she threw them on, then stormed out of the building. She was back at the car before she saw Jack strolling along way behind her, he was annoying her deliberately, she knew that. As he got closer his smile only added to that.

                “Erin...”

She shook her head, “don’t even try and justify anything. You’ve made my life hell Jack Reilly, hell!”

With that she climbed into the car.

He drove for about twenty minutes before he glanced at her, she was still scowling.

               

                “I’m not that bad!”

She met his eyes with a sideways glare then fought a smile, even when she was angry with him he had the ability to win her over, “ok, I was wrong, it’s not hell. It’s just not what I know Reilly, you have to understand that.”

He nodded, “I’m sorry that it happened, but I can’t help it.” He took a deep breath and steeled himself for an assault when he asked, “does this have anything to do with your ex?”

Erin wanted to snap, this wasn’t her fault, it was his, but in all honesty there was a lot of the past that she didn’t want to revisit again. Max hadn’t just been her husband; he’d been a famous and charismatic face in her working life too. Everyone knowing everything about them had made their marriage almost public domain, and whilst the hospital the worked in wasn’t the world, it was where she’d spent so much of her time.

She realised she hadn’t answered and that Jack was waiting patiently, so she turned to him, “I have no interest in being famous, and I definitely don’t have an interest in being famous for screwing you...” She laughed, “Or in any capacity...imagine if the media knew I was your Rent-a-Womb!”

                “I wish you wouldn’t keep saying that Erin. You are not that.”

She laughed self deprecatingly, “I’m sure. As for my ex...the man was a bastard, he didn’t deserve me, I know that now. The fact that he was a surgeon where I worked, that everyone knew the ins and outs of our marriage wasn’t pleasant, and then he started sleeping around and I became a figure of pity and sympathy. I don’t want to feel that again, see people’s opinions of me echoed in their expressions and words.”

Jack pulled off the motorway joining a smaller road that led to her family home, “you’re right about one thing, he didn’t ever deserve you. You are special Erin, I appreciate that.”

She sighed, “I think you’ll change your mind after my dad wades in!”

He glanced over at her, a confident look on his face, “how bad can you father be? He’s human after all, and to be honest, there’s nothing he can do to change the future, we’re both consenting adults!”

As he pulled the car along the rough track that led up to the farmhouse, Erin was filled with dread, she’d never worried about her father’s approval before, but was it her recent failure of a marriage, or how she really felt about Jack that made her worried now?

Stopping next to her father’s Landrover, Jack cut the engine as Erin jumped out and was swamped by two dogs and a couple of cats. Barney was out of the boot and cavorting with his long lost friends around the farm courtyard before the front door to the house opened and her mother appeared on the porch.

Erin looked up and saw the anxious look on her face, but then there was the hint of a smile.

                “Hey Mum,” she strolled over and hugged her mother. “This is Jack.”

Her mother nodded at Jack, then back at Erin, “we were expecting him!”

                “You saw the paper?”

As her mother was about to nod, Jack approached and shook her mother’s hand enthusiastically, “Hi Mrs Bailey, lovely to finally meet you!”

Her mother smiled, there was something so natural about Jack’s charm, Erin knew that first hand.  As her mother was about to reply, there was a cough from behind, and all three turned to see Danny Bailey scowling at them.

Never Again - 25

Chapter 25...moving in

Living in the same house as Jack, under the same roof, being dependent on him for everything, seemed like suicide to Erin. But the one thing they agreed on was that she had to do the right thing by the baby. And if that meant stopping work, then so be it. But she didn’t have to be happy about it. She’d never as much as seen his home, so she had no idea what to expect. She had very little to take with her, the flat she rented was already furnished, so she’d stored furniture and lots of bedding, kitchenware in a storage unit. So all she had was a box of CD’s, clothes and a few soft furnishings. For that reason it took her about half an hour to pack up her things. Though she requested a lot longer than that.

Jack wouldn’t let her as much as lift a box into the car, so once she was done, she had to call him. He turned up with his huge four wheel drive - he was obviously expecting her to travel a lot heavier than she did.

                “Is this it?” He was shocked; he’d seen women take more baggage on a weekend away.

She nodded slightly embarrassed, “most of my stuff is in storage.”

He grinned, “no problem, we can get that all delivered when you’re ready.”

She gulped, he was planning on her living with him long term. She’d presumed this was a temporary thing. Yet again she’d underestimated him.

They’d spent the previous evening working out guidelines for this tenancy agreement of sorts. Erin didn’t want to be dependent on him, and she didn’t want him controlling her life either. So she’d insisted that she had her own room, her own space, sex was not a prerequisite for this deal, and that was a non negotiable fact. If he was surprised or disappointed he hid it well. Nodding easily, he broached the second item on her list, money.

                “I want you to have a bank card...take what you need.” She shook her head. He sighed, “A weekly figure into your bank? Monthly?”

She shook her head again, it felt too much like Rent-A-Womb, he was paying her for carrying his baby. That felt morally wrong. She had no real outgoings and she had a few thousand pounds savings, she could cope until the baby was born, and that was also non negotiable.

He groaned again, “you are one stubborn woman.”

Erin smiled, “I’ll take that as a compliment!”

There were a lot of unwritten issues, but she was happier to join him once they’d agreed these few things.  But as he loaded her bags and boxes into his car she couldn’t help the feelings of fear, almost suffocation that this move was causing.

He was reluctant to let her drive behind him in her car, the thought that he was going to be so protective of her was more damaging than any physical exertion. At her insistence he agreed, after all she’d need a car once she got to his home. And so she followed him on a long winding journey out to a gated estate in the Cheshire countryside.

Erin was stunned, they drove past a dozen drive ways that led to imposing modern houses, all secreted away from prying eyes. There was an element of over dramatic about some of the places, gargoyles on gates, stone urns topping pillars, but she wouldn’t dare comment on that to Jack. The driveway he pulled into was a lot more austere, friendly, but not embellished the way some of the others had. He stopped his car in front of the arched doorway, and jumped out onto the gravel driveway, marching up to her car to open the door for firstly her, and then letting Barney out.

                “I’ll show you around, and then get your things in, okay?”

Erin nodded mutely, following him into the house. She couldn’t describe all that she’d seen, the huge modern kitchen, functional lounge, huge high ceilinged hall ways, and of course the swimming pool with the retractable roof. Then there were the landscaped gardens.

 Skipping ahead of her up the stairs, he nodded to the left, “that’s my room...” there was a deliberate poignancy in his words, then he moved on to a door further along the hall on the opposite side. “And this is yours...if you like it!”

He pushed open the door and Erin gasped, the room was huge, full length patio doors led out onto a balcony, a huge wooden bed faced the window, through an arch to the left was a small lounge, then to the right a bathroom.

Erin wandered up to the window and stared, “it’s beautiful!”

Jack smiled, “so it’s not a prison then?”

Smiling herself she turned to look back at him leaning against the doorframe, “more of a gilded cage?”

Jack wanted to smile, wanted to laugh, but it was so hard. She hated being here, he’d thought once she came here, the room, the space, that she’d at least be a little happy. But she wasn’t. He didn’t have anything else to offer her.

                “I’ll get your things from the car, then I’m playing golf with Scott. It’ll give you time to settle in. No lifting, ok?”

Erin was investigating the fridge when he came to report that the last of her things were in her room.

                “Will you be home for dinner?”

He shrugged, “not sure.” He turned away.

                “Ah!”

Jack spun back to face her, “Ah?”

Erin turned back to the fridge, “yes Ah! You are starting to avoid me already. Jack it was your idea that I move in, but if you start avoiding being here, then I’m moving to my parents.” She glanced over her shoulder, “got it? Dinner’s at half five!”

Jack drove to the golf course like a madman, a zillion emotions ravaging his brain; he’d never been so out of his depth as he was now, with her. Every other relationship he’d had he controlled dominated and directed. Now he was expected home for dinner...didn’t she know that there’d never been a meal cooked in that kitchen?

Scott was the only person who knew what was going on, and seeing Jack’s stormy face, he laughed, “about bloody time someone got you out of your comfort zone! Two of the boys are joining us, so I won’t say a word.”

Jack pulled his clubs out of his boot, and followed Scott inside with a scowl.

He played abysmally, he was usually the best but his Midas touch had abandoned him this afternoon. When conversation dried up, when they were walking between tees his mind drifted back to his home, his inner sanctum, and the invited guest who was currently turning her culinary skills on his sterile kitchen. 

                “Loser pays!”  Alex was a fellow team mate and occasional golf buddy, and he was ecstatic to see Jack come in at the foot of the success table, for a change.

Jack marched over to the bar and pulled out his wallet, handing a wad of notes to the barman, he snapped, “whatever they want then keep the change, ok?” When the barman nodded, he turned to the guys, “I’m outta here!”

Only Scott’s face didn’t show surprise as Jack stormed out, Scott smiled, then laughed.

If the afternoon’s thoughts had been strange, opening the door to his home and smelling garlic, hearing Suicide Blonde at full blast and seeing a beautiful woman in what he could only describe as hot pants and a skimpy vest dancing with an over sized hound was way off the surreal scale. And the horny one.

Taking a calming sigh, he strolled into the lounge tossing his keys and wallet into the large wooden bowl he’d bought in Kenya two years earlier, or rather to the place where the bowl should have been. Instead they hit the table and skidded off to the marble floor with a clatter.

The noise caused Erin to look up, and for a second her smile was of pleasure, unadulterated pleasure. Then a mask dropped and she lowered the corners of her lips, and the dance stopped too. Reaching for the remote control she reduced the volume dramatically.

                “Where’s the bowl?”

Erin wasn’t sure what she expected him to say, but the last thing she expected was that.

                “It’s a salad bowl...” she nodded to the table, where it sat filled with salad.

Jack’s eyes widened and Erin couldn’t control her laughter, “are you really territorial over a bowl? I’m not stupid Jack, you’ve give me your bedroom, or rather your suite of rooms, and you’re holed up in a guest room. But now you’re annoyed I’ve moved a bowl? Or rather used it for its REAL purpose!”

                “I put my keys in it!” His reply sounded ridiculous even to himself and he fought to contain his own laugh.

                “How are you going to cope with stockings in the hallway and my underwear in the laundry?” When he visibly gulped, she laughed, “Jack do you want to rethink this? I mean you’ve obviously never shared your life with anyone...”

                “Unlike you!” He snapped, then immediately regretted it.

Erin’s face fell for a moment, “we all make mistakes Jack.”

There was a poignant moment when he realised that she might be referring to the baby, but as a man who’d seen his mother devastated losing so many babies, he would never consider any baby a mistake. “This isn’t one Erin; I don’t care what you say!”

With that he turned and left the room.

She’d pulled the chicken and potatoes from the oven and was about to carry them to the table in the adjacent dining room when he re-entered the room.

                “Sorry for snapping, you’re right, this is hard for me.”

She turned to see him stood in front of her in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, hair wet from the shower, he looked sad. Reaching for his hands she smiled, “it’s hard for us both, I get that now, I was so busy feeling sorry for myself.”

He smiled, his eyes fighting another ogle of her in those ridiculous clothes, “we can do this, can’t we?”

She nodded, “we can, now come eat. Ok?”

He sat down and immediately starting filling his plate, she was a great cook, glancing at her he saw her smile, she liked that he liked her food, “so you went shopping?”

Laughing Erin helped herself to salad, “well I did try to make a meal from beer, milk and baked beans, but there weren’t a lot of options...”

Jack bit his tongue, she probably shouldn’t be carrying bags of shopping, but whilst part of him wanted to shout at her stupidity, the other part knew that was ridiculous. He’d never felt this unable to control something, and he hated it.

Later they were sat, the TV on, they already knew they liked similar shows, the same films, so that was a bonus.

                “I’m going to see my parents soon, tell them about the baby...”

Jack looked up, “you haven’t told them yet?”

She laughed, “I feel like a teenager, I mean this is great news...it’s just not quite the way I imagined it happening...”

Nodding he reached for her hand, “I’ll come with you. You say you think he’ll hate me, but that’s his problem, worse have despised me, and this is not something you should do alone.”

Erin smiled; it was nice to have that, protection, support.

Despite her fairly seamless transition from her home to his, Erin found herself thinking, far too much. Her life had veered off course somewhere in the last few months, and she’d lost her identity, her independence. She liked Jack, they were friends, she loved arguing with him, and she loved his home, but she couldn’t imagine taking him to her parents’ home and lying to them. Because that’s what they’d do, lie that they were happy that they wanted this child together. OR the other option was to admit that he was funding her pregnancy. And then there were the implications for afterwards. Once the baby was born.

 For two days she avoided everything, going out, talking to her family, Michelle, everything. She simply cooked, swam in the luxurious pool, watched TV or basked in the sun. Barney was happy tearing around the garden, but she hadn’t even gone further than that for him.  Jack was training, then he had to travel for a friendly a few hours away, she hadn’t seen a lot of him.  

So on the third morning, as with every morning, she strolled downstairs in just her pyjamas, she almost had a coronary to find Jack sat at the table, eating a bowl of porridge. He looked cute, hair wet from the shower, and dark rimmed glasses that she hadn’t seen before.

Recovering quickly from her shock, she tried to smile, “what are you doing still here?”

His response wasn’t the light hearted smile she’d expected, “got a rest day, and want to stop you becoming a hermit.” When she looked at him questioningly he added, “Your car hasn’t moved since Sunday. You’ve not gone anywhere, and that is not healthy. Maybe I’m feeling a little guilty for dragging you away from your home and ostracising out her in the countryside.”

Erin was still staring at him, “didn’t realise you wear glasses.”

                “Nice subject change! I wear contacts, and as I was saying, you’ve not been anywhere?”

She nodded, “it’s been quite nice having nothing to do. Haven’t had that in a long time.” When he only nodded, his eyes staying on her she groaned, “Ok! I’m worried. Is that what you want to hear? I’m worried that I’ll start bleeding again, then I worry that people will find out I’m here with you...”

He scoffed, “am I that bad?”

She laughed sadly, “no, but this is a ridiculous situation, and the last thing I want is to be photographed with you.” Again he scoffed, “Jack, this is madness, don’t you see? We’re here together but not really, all because of the baby, we haven’t even told our families.”

                “You are the one who put rules on this Erin, I just wanted to see how things went, but that wasn’t what you wanted. I’m accommodating you as much as I can what more can I do?”

She shrugged she had no idea what she wanted, or what the two of them could do to change that.