Trying Not to Love You - Part Fifty Six

Chapter Fifty Six

“So you don’t hate me?” Martha asked, watching the three children play some game that looked like snap with the football cards she had no idea Ethan had secreted in his pocket.

Paul shook his head, “I feel anger at him, for putting you through all this.”

She laughed, “I didn’t have to have him, I could have aborted him. My life would have been easier, but there was something about him that I couldn’t give up on. I should have told Scott really.”

Paul blew out a large breath of air, “really? You think that would have worked? He was a control freak mate; there was no way anyone was telling him how things were.” He sighed, “there’s hardly going to be a big send off at his funeral.”

Martha sighed, “and that’s sad.”

He shook his head, “you reap what you sow, and for years he’s terrified people. This seems like karma, and the good thing is it’s freed you and Ethan, every cloud has a silver lining.”

                “You’re full of the metaphors tonight!”

He grinned, “I’m just really glad to see you, and to meet Ethan. You look happy.”

She nodded, “I am happy.”

                “And Sonny Carter is part of that?” The smile that accompanied the nod spoke volumes, “he’s an ok bloke.”

Sighing Martha drained her coffee, “you’re the only one who thinks so. Seems no one else appreciates him...”

He tilted his head in question and she murmured, “my Dad doesn’t approve.”
That surprised him, she could tell because frankly Carl Mansell was such an easygoing guy.

                “That’s shit.”

Nodding, she looked across to Ethan who was sat with Paul’s two children still playing snap whopping when they won a hand. “Another legacy of Scott Oldbury.”

Sonny wasn’t expecting to walk headlong into a car fight, but that’s what had happened, though one of the participants was in her seventies, the other in her sixties.

                “What the hell is going on?”

They both looked around at him guiltily, “Sonny...” Lucy offered. But he could see she was struggling to find an answer for him. “We...”

He looked at Stephanie and she had a smug look on her face, “you got anything to say?” Both remained silent. “Ethan and Martha could have walked in, you are the two women who love them, they don’t need to see bitchy fighting. What the hell is wrong with you?”

Lucy turned away, “it was a disagreement, it just got out of hand. Sorry Stephanie.”

Stephanie merely nodded in acceptance then flounced into the adjacent lounge. He however remained, watching Lucy intently. Eventually she looked up.

                “What?”

                “What happened? This isn’t you.”

She sighed, “she’s so bloody cocky. I’ve always hated her.”

This was a bottle of wine and a take away curry kind of story, he’d get to that when the time was right, instead he had to deal with the godmother, someone else who hated him on sight.

                “Why is she here?”

Lucy shrugged, “she hasn’t been to the farm in twenty years, Martha has always gone to her...but she says she’s invited.”

                “She planning to be here long?”

Lucy shrugged, “I bloody hope not, the bitch.”

He smiled at that, Lucy was so open and honest she could barely manage to contain her anger.

                “Do you need to chill out? I could take you out for a pint?”

Shaking her head she visibly pulled herself together, “I’m fine, I just need to be here, keep an eye on ‘her’.”

Sonny was making coffee half an hour later when the door flew open and Ethan preceded Martha into the kitchen.

                “You ok?” He smiled, he had a permanently plastered on grin whenever she walked into the room, today was no exception.

She nodded as Ethan dived straight for the fridge, “hey Mister. Wash hands then you can watch a little TV before dinner. You know the rules.”

With a groan and a toss of the head he stomped out of the kitchen in a real strop.

Martha rolled her eyes, “how was your day?”

                “Good. I suppose. Got the delivery in, though they sent five thousand napkins instead of one thousand, there’s room for them, but I still called the supplier and kicked off. Then I won two hundred on the horses, and my luck carried on into the pool hall.” He reached in his pocket and pulled out a small velvet bag and held it out to her.

She took it and looked at him questioningly, “what’s this?”

                “A little gift...a share of my winnings.”

Gasping in surprise she stared at him, “for me? You shouldn’t have.”

He sighed, “yes I should, I want to give you more...”

                “It’s more than I deserve. Thank you!”

He watched her intently as she opened the back, and a fine delicate silver chain fell out into her hand, “it’s beautiful.” As her fingers unwound the necklace she smiled, hanging from the chain was a sapphire blue stone encased in a silver cage. It was beautiful.

                “I knew it’d match your eyes.” Taking it from her he turned her so that he could slide it around her neck and fasten the clasp.

Resting his hands on her shoulders he fought the desire to kiss the skin exposed by the low neck line of her t-shirt, there was a time and a place, and they had both promised they’d not let Ethan see them as anything more than friends...despite the fact that he’d found them in bed several times.

                “Oh, and Stephanie is here. I caught her almost fighting with Lucy. Think there’ll be fireworks between them.”

                “Stephanie’s here? Shit! Where the hell am I going to put everyone? Dad wanted to move back up to his room and I was going to ask you to move to the attic eventually. But it’s dusty, I haven’t sorted anything.”

He grinned, “it’s ok. I’ll go out to my old room. I mean how long is she going to be here realistically?”

Martha rolled her eyes, “things seem to be going from bad to worse.”

An hour later she’d made dinner for everyone, and they were all sat with huge plates of spaghetti bolognaise at the kitchen table. The atmosphere was stilted, only Ethan chirped happily. There was tension between her father and Sonny, but also Stephanie possibly, then there was Lucy who was scowling every time Stephanie looked at her. Steph was her usual picture of composed serenity, she exuded a confidence that few could destabilise.

                “So how long are you staying Steph?” As the other woman stared at her, Martha chuckled, “just wondering how much juggling of bedrooms I need to do.”

She sighed, “well the house is so quiet without you both that I needed to come. I have no idea how long I’ll stay. As long as you’re ok with me staying.”

                “Of course we are,” her father snapped, eyes down on his food.

Martha sighed; nothing was easy in her life. Standing she made for the utility room, returning with a couple of bottles of wine.

                “Can I tempt anyone?”

Everyone it seemed was looking to find solace in alcohol, so she filled all the glasses, feeling like a teacher rather than the youngest one present.

                “So,” she sat down, “Sonny’s offered to move back out to the outhouse, so that means you can have his room while you’re here.”

That caused all the adult eyes to move to her in surprise.

                “I’ll make up your bed later. Sonny’ll take your bags up after dinner.”

Stephanie nodded then returned to her dinner, as did her father.

It was Lucy who tutted and chastised the bad manners, “is no one going to thank Sonny for being the gentleman here, he’s giving up his bed.”

Stephanie smiled genially, “of course I’m extremely grateful.”

Her father’s head remained low, could things get any worse? Martha sighed, as one door opened, another seemed to close.

Martha had spent the two hours after dinner sorting out the sleeping arrangements. Sonny had bagged his belongings and took them to the room in the coach house, that had left her time to rearrange the furniture, it was a masculine room and pulling the bed onto the opposite wall and taking a bedside table from her room made things seem a little friendlier. With clean linen and a floral duvet and a few additional items such as a Tiffany lamp and an extra clothing rail, the room was as presentable as possible.

Downstairs there was no sign of Stephanie.

                “Your father is showing her the horses. He’s selling one of the youngsters this week apparently.”

                “One thing less for me to worry about!” Martha snapped.

Lucy sighed, “you do too much and you’re not appreciated darling.”

Somewhere over the last few months her aunt had become the fountain of all knowledge, perceptive, aware and very intuitive...as well as supportive.

                “If you ever need anyone to run a guesthouse then I’m your girl.”

Lucy smiled, “Ethan’s ok?”

She nodded, “he’s over the moon that we’re all together. He’s kind of used to change, which is so sad.”

Reaching out she squeezed Martha’s hand, “don’t let that witch break up this family.”

                “Why don’t you like her?”

Chuckling, Lucy touched her cheek, “I’m old and maybe bitter, I don’t know, but I’ve always lived by my instincts. I might be wrong, I was with Sonny...and I’ll apologise if I’m wrong now. But once in seventy years, that’s how often I’ve got it wrong.”

Martha sighed, “I’m going to check on Ethan. What are you doing?”

                “Going to town. Meeting a few of the WI women for a glass of wine. I’m walking down soon.”

                “I don’t want you to walk alone. Is my Dad here? I’ll drive you.”

Lucy shook her head, “you do everything. I can walk. Sit down, put your feet up and relax. You haven’t done that in six months.”

Sonny hated Thursdays, they weren’t busy enough to throw himself into a hundred percent, but not quiet enough that he could be elsewhere. It was approaching ten, there were half a dozen tables left, all finishing dessert. Tim, a teenager who was new to the team was working with him, and was making coffees for the final table, Paul had cleaned up the other tables before he left, there was very little to do. When the door opened, he looked up and almost stepped back in amazement.

                “Lucy! What are you doing here?”

She smiled as she approached; slipping on to the single stool that stood by the bar, the one that Martha so often perched on.

                “I met some of the girls in the Royal Oak, but they all left...I’m not in a rush to go home.”

Sonny reached behind him for the wine and poured her a glass, “Is she that bad?”

She gave a noncommittal expression and accepted the glass.

                “Lucy Regan, since when were you so secretive?”

Lucy sighed, “since that bitch came back into my life.” He stood there waiting and she puffed out a deep breath, “she was my sister’s best friend, and I have always hated her. Ok?”

Sonny poured an inch of whisky into a glass and propped himself on the bar beside her, this was getting more interesting as the day progressed. Lucy was usually calm, almost disinterested in the rest of the world, something bad had happened between the two women.

                “Did you get on well with her? Your sister.”

She sipped her wine contemplatively, “she was eleven years younger than me, so it was strange, we weren’t close, but I was protective of her, Jennifer.”

She rifled through her back before handing a picture to him, it was faded, grainy, but the young woman smiling up at him was the image of Martha.

                “She’s young here?”

Nodding she took the picture back, tucking it into the special pocket in her purse. “She was a year older than Martha when she died, and Martha was a couple of years older than Ethan. Tragic.”

                “She died during childbirth?” He vaguely remembered the conversation with Martha months ago.

Lucy’s reaction was different to the one he expected, her face changed, from relaxed to tense, her eyes narrowing, “I suppose.”

“Are you saying that didn’t happen”?

She shook her head passionately, “no, it’s just an emotional thing for me, even now.”

She wasn’t about to offer up any more information, he could tell, so he asked her about her evening instead. She chattered away far more happily as he helped Tim, the young waiter clean up.

Once they’d finished everything, he turned to her, “fancy a night cap? Got ten minutes before the Oak closes.”

She nodded, taking the elbow he offered. 

Trying Not to Love You - Part Fifty Five

A/N This is obviously a lot longer story than my usual, and there's still a fair bit to go. Is it too long? Are you getting bored? Both reads and comments are drying up so that's my conclusion that you're all finding it a bit of a drag? Appreciate any feedback, it's so hard posting so silence, I could be way off with this and rely on you guys to keep me on track. Thanks all, MZ

Chapter Fifty Five

They’d not spent an evening together, deliberately, purposefully, and it was so nice, after everything that had happened, to be normal. They kissed in the taxi, like teenagers on a first date, then in Northbury, he led her to a pub he knew well. With drinks they sat in a booth and he turned to her.

                “So, today? How was it?”

She sighed, sipping at her glass of wine, “well Ethan loved school. That’s a relief.”

Giving her a hand a squeeze he waited for the ‘but’.

                “Then I called to Helen’s salon.”

He reached out and ran a hand through her hair, “and it looks amazing.”

She smiled up at him, “but it was my first real appearance...”

                “Since Scott?”

Laughing she reached for her glass and took a drink, “and you...and Ethan...”

                “Ah.” He took his own drink and gave her a moment to reply.

                “It was like a rollercoaster; it started with, ‘can you believe Scott is dead?’” She rolled her eyes ironically at him. “Then you were mentioned, not in relation to him, but reading between the lines I think I’m the envy of the whole village, especially the ladies, as Sylvia from the bookies was keen to tell me that you’d never shown up in the pub with the same woman twice.”

He laughed, “what did you say to that?”

Giving him a glittering smile that made his jeans suddenly far too tight, she said, “I corrected her, said that you’d turned up with many women, but you were very selective who you left with more than once.”

Bending in half he laughed loud and hard, “I wish I’d been there to see that.” He wiped at a tear, then saw her face, “how did it go with the Ethan story?”

She shrugged, “I didn’t say much, I kind of left it up to them. I’m not ready to answer questions about him yet, especially with Scott being the hot topic of gossip at the moment.”

He slid an arm around her shoulder and pulled her close, “people will do the maths at some point, but until then, just relax and ignore.”

                “You’re good at that, I’m not so.”

He nodded, “come on, let’s go eat.” The last thing he wanted was her swelling on sad feelings. This was meant to be a fun night, him showing her how special she was to him.

He took her to an Indian restaurant; it was new and had been raved about in local media.

Sitting opposite him, Martha watched him as he joked with the waiter who showed them to their seats, then ordered drinks. She was starving and the menu looked delicious, and she told him that when they were left alone.

                “Well then fill your boots Miss, tonight you are going to have EVERYTHING you want.”

She cocked an eyebrow and gave him her most flirtatious look, “everything?”

Again her comment was met with laughter, which only increased when she both ordered tons of food, but then proceeded to eat it all too.

After the meal they got a taxi back to town. They’d promised Paul they’d relieve him by eleven, and as they had half an hour, Sonny insisted they get a drink in the Royal Oak. As he threw open the door and led her up to the bar by the hand, squeezing her fingers, knowing that she hated all the eyes on them.

James was there, polishing the brass taps, the bar was quiet.

                “Vodka and a white wine.” Sonny gave James as much respect as he received and it wasn’t until Martha curled into his body then elbowed him in the side that he added a very sarcastic, “please.”

James looked between the two of them then gave his head a shake, as he poured the drinks. Martha fought the scowl that threatened to scar her face, as much as Sonny provoked the other man, he was always there looking down his nose at him, thinking the worst. It was only as she spent more time with Sonny that realised what it was like to walk in his shoes, to love his life, and it was no wonder that he was so uncaring, so antagonistic.

Sliding an arm around him, she tucked her fingers in to the back pocket of his jeans, letting her weight lean against him, and the arm around her shoulders tighten, holding her close.

They stood there sharing a drink uncaring that those present had an opinion on the two of them.

Later they closed the restaurant, prepared for the next morning, then headed home, together.

                “Have a great day darling. Hope you have fun.” Ethan stared at her and rolled his eyes, then skipped towards the school door. He was happy. And that made Martha happy. Once he was out of view, she turned and headed back to the car. She wanted to go shopping in town, there wasn’t a great amount of food in the house, and she knew that Sonny’s birthday was around the corner. He was thirty in a few weeks. She wanted to find something special for him, show him how she felt. That was important to her.

As she was climbing into the car her phone rang. It was Michael. Taking a deep breath she connected the call, not wanting to speak to him, but he was Ethan’s grandfather.

                “Martha can I speak to you? It’s urgent.”

                “I’m just going into town.”

He sighed, “I’m in all day. Can you come here before you go home? It won’t take long.”

That hung like a sentence over her whole shopping trip. She got the two things she wanted, a designer winter coat, something that she could imagine he’d wear, he only ever wore plain jeans, dark shirts or t-shirts and his suit to work, so she had to get something that fitted that, then there was an iPod, she noticed that he’d started to borrow CD’s and listen to them as he boxed, he was discovering music, and she liked that. She also was well into her Christmas shopping, she could only really get what she wanted for Ethan if she budgeted and shopped throughout the year. So she made a few more timely additions to her growing stock.

It was one when she finally made it back to the car, and she groaned as she thought about spending time with Michael, she’d almost managed to forget.

The drive was quick, and she could see Scott’s father in the window, almost as though he knew she was coming.

                “Hi Michael,” she joined him in the lounge after being shown in. “How are you?”

He shrugged, “my life is rather empty.” He sighed, “that’s ironic I know given my relationship with Scott.”

                “A child is a child,” she offered sympathetically. Without adding even if they become a complete bastard.

                “How is Ethan?”

She nodded “good, he loved school yesterday, he’s settled.”

That made Michael smile, “I’d like to see him.”

                “Of course, we could maybe make something a little more formal, you know certain times of days. I’m flexible and happy for you to see him as often as you want, but it’s a couple of days since I was here with him and that seems to have flown by,”

                “I’d like that.” He took a deep breath, “and Sonny Carter?”

This was what she hadn’t wanted; this was the topic she wanted to avoid.

                “What about him Michael?”

He’d been staring out of the window since she’d entered the room but now he’d turned to face her, “I don’t want him around my grandson, he killed my son.”

She shook her head, “you’re wrong Michael. He didn’t. There’s no way I’d share my and Ethan’s life with him if that was the case. He’s spoken to the police...”

                “Pff!” He cut her off. “Did you ask him? About his friend?”

She nodded, “the man in the photo, he does know him but only vaguely. Apparently he’d tipped Scott off, about some deal, then Scott cut him out. He was with Sonny drowning his sorrows when it all happened. They’ve got witnesses.”

Michael stepped away from her, “I don’t believe that. I don’t want him near my grandson.”

Despite the desire to scream at him to mind his own business, she knew that this was a volatile issue, she had to manage it. “Look Michael, I am with Sonny, he wasn’t anything to do with what happened. I know you’re hurt...”

He turned to her and for the first time she saw venom in his eyes, “I’ll fight you for my grandson if you stick with him.”

That made her laugh, “I know you’re hurt, but there’s no way that’s happening. After all, I could up and leave at any point if you make that threat, and why the HELL would I consider you seeing him with my blessing?”

She sighed and walked over to him, “look, let’s talk about this tomorrow, I’ll bring Ethan over. But know that I will not be dictated to by you. Ok?”

She walked out her head held high, but wanted to crumple into a ball and cry. Was no one happy for her? Did no one care that after years alone she’d found a man she loved, and who loved her?

Ethan appearing from school was the tonic she needed, and she had decided earlier, before the confrontation with Scott’s father that she’d start introducing Ethan to her friends, after all she was anything but ashamed. He was a funny and happy little boy.

First would be Helen, and her family, Paul’s youngest was a similar age to Ethan, so she decided to start with him first. And fortunately she met him at the school gates.

                “Your son?” he asked genuinely stunned as his two little girls skipped around, joking with Ethan.

she nodded, “one of the reasons I left town.”

He gasped rather theatrically and it made her laugh, “you mean?”

She nodded, “Scott’s, I just never told him. Do you hate me for that?”

Paul pulled her into a hug, “I could never hate you...and you know my feelings on that idiot. Am I the only one not surprised he’s dead?”

She gave a sad sigh, “it’s the only scenario that meant I’d come home. Do you want a coffee?” She gestured towards the cafe, and he nodded. Martha also knew that sharing spending time in the cafe would ensure that the gossips really got their teeth into her news, but that was always going to happen.

Sonny had had a weird day, he’d jogged for an hour, then showered and changed. Carl was avoiding him, as he had been for most of the week. So he’d headed to the restaurant for the early delivery, then to the bookies, after a couple of games of pool he was having a mug of tea and gassing to Eamonn about everything but his relationship with Martha, it was an automatic taboo. They were both just leaving the cafe when the door opened and the woman herself stood there looking tired, but as delicious as ever. His body jolted a now over familiar response to her and he couldn’t fight the smile that broke on to his face.

                “Hey, you ok?”

She nodded, lifting her face to meet his lips briefly, “yup, just having a coffee with Paul. You home for tea?”

He squatted down to catch a careering Ethan who was carefree in his desire to see Sonny, “I made a painting of you!” He announced as Sonny picked him up, “it’s paint, and it was wet. I’ll bring it home tomorrow.”

                “Wow!” Sonny was genuinely touched, he was growing to adore the little man, and that was probably even more dangerous than his mother. Because in Ethan he could recognise all those traits that he’d seen and lost in himself as a boy, and he wanted more than anything to help keep the fire in his eyes alight, to prevent him from a life where he constantly strived for something he couldn’t find. “I can’t wait to see that. Me and Eamonn are off home, I’ll see you for dinner, yeah?”

Nodding Ethan wriggled to be set down then joined Paul’s to children in a rush for the corner table, all three colliding in a noisy bang. Laughing he bade his goodbyes then followed Eamonn out into the fading winter sunshine.

               

“You’ve got it bad.” Eamonn muttered as they made for the farm.

Sonny stopped to stare at him, “what so you mean?”

He laughed, “well you’re all doe eyed at her and the boy...readymade family for Mr Elusive. Couldn’t write a better book than that!”

Sonny pondered a moment, breaking back into an even stride, “Carl hates me.”

Eamonn laughed, “Nah, he wouldn’t want to give Martha up to ANYONE, I mean if the unmarried version of Prince William walked onto the farm tomorrow he’d run him out of town.” Rolling his eyes and tutting heavily he sighed, “that Oldbury broke so many lives, shattered them into a million pieces. Won’t be many grieve him at his funeral next week.” He looked up at Sonny, “stick with it over Carl. He’ll come around. He’s not unreasonable, he’s just scared...and you’re one of those scary types, aren’t you?”

He laughed, “You think so?”

                “Scary isn’t always a horror film, you scare him cos Martha is so obviously besotted with you...and you’re a charming rogue...the worst combination. Just show him you’re serious and he’ll understand. You’ll see.”

They parted company at the next crossroads, Eamonn bearing left to his home, Sonny heading to the farm. As he got to the farmyard he froze, all he could hear was shouting. As he finally reached the backdoor he recognised Lucy’s voice and another female that he couldn’t place.

                “You’re not welcome here, haven’t you done enough damage to my family. Bad enough all you did back in the day without you hoarding Martha for so long.”

                “She wanted to escape.”

Lucy was laughing as he opened the door, “that’s right, and you did NOTHING to help reconcile her with us. Why’s that I wonder? You always did want this family for yourself...well they don’t want you, they want us!”

Sonny gasped when he saw Stephanie squaring up to the older woman, “I’m here at Martha’s invitation, and Carl’s, so GET over it you old witch.”

Before any pushing or shoving happened, Sonny burst into the kitchen and stood between the two women.

                “What the hell is going on here?”

Trying Not to Love You - Part Fifty Four

Chapter Fifty Four

Walking back to the house gave them both time to calm down and accept all that had happened. Sonny had never felt so exposed, so vulnerable, and he wasn’t comfortable with it, completely. He’d spent so long hiding his emotions, fighting his demons that the fact that they’d so easily been exposed to Martha scared him. He wasn’t sure if it was the fact that she’d listened and accepted him regardless, or the fact that she coaxed things out of him that scared her the most.

                “You ok?”

It was a dark night, he could barely see much of the woman beside him, but he could feel her small hand in his and gave it a squeeze.

                “I’m ok. Just feeling a bit...”

She sighed, “it’s ok Carter, I get it.”

He thought about her calling him by his first name a little earlier and sighed, she did understand him, maybe better than he knew himself.

                “I’ll make this up to you, I promise.”

                “I know that too, let’s get home, it’s freezing, and you still don’t have a winter coat!”

Laughing he swung an arm around her shoulders, “I’ve got you to warm me up.”

Smiling she slipped her arm reciprocally around him, tucking her hand into the waist band of his suit, “not like that first time we walked back here. Do you remember?”

He laughed, “when you couldn’t get away from me quick enough?”

Sighing she paused to look up at him, “you scared me. But I’m not scared now.”

                “You should be. Look at what I’ve done.”

She lifted her spare hand to cup his cheek, “don’t. We’ve discussed it, it’s over. Ok?”

Lifting his hand he spread his fingers through her hair, to her ear, then throat, “I can’t think what I’ve ever done to deserve you. I love you, you know that don’t you. Forever.”

Martha smiled hoping that life would and could be that simple.

                “I need you to help out a bit more Carter.” She’d showered and changed after spending the night with him, discreetly, and now she was lounging against the doorframe to his bedroom watching his sprawled out under the duvet. “I’m enrolling Ethan in school, and I need to be here more in the evening.”

He nodded, his eyes still closed, “‘k.”

                “Then I want to bath him tonight...”

                “‘k.”

She smiled he so obviously wasn’t listening to her, “then I strip naked and streak through the village.”

She could see his mouth form the abbreviation of ok when he froze and opened one eye, “what?”

Laughing she moved away from his bedroom door, “when you can be arsed to get up you might find out!”

Martha could hear him laughing as she headed downstairs.

In the kitchen her father was sat with Ethan on his lap sharing some toast, Ethan eating more than her father.

                “We need to get you dressed darling, time to visit our new school.”

Her father looked up, “you sure about this?”

She nodded, “histrionics aside, I want him to spend more time with you. Starting school is logical.”

As he was pondering that, Sonny appeared in running gear, he ran most mornings. Ethan jumped up.

                “Sonny! Will you take me to run with you?”

Sonny looked awkwardly between Martha and her father, “you’re a bit small squirt. When you’re older, ok?” He winked at Martha, “good luck today in your ne school, ok?” When Ethan’s smile wavered, he ruffled the boy’s hair. “You’ll have so much fun.” Then he gave a high five before walking out the door.

                “So how long is this going to go on? You never going to speak to him again?”

Her father shrugged, “I don’t know what I think. I just don’t want to lose you again Martha, and for as long as you are with him, I see that happening.”

Ethan loved the school. As nice as his last school had been a semi rural campus was a child’s paradise to the urban cramped concrete monstrosity he’d left behind. She didn’t know the class teacher Miss Smart, but she was extremely friendly and even encouraged Ethan to spend the rest of the day with her and his new class.

Walking out of the yard, Martha felt a sense of emotion waft over her; it was just over twenty years since her own mother had brought her there, to the same school, probably with the same sense of foreboding. Would things have been had her mother lived? She’d had Lucy and her father a safe bubble to grow up in, and she’d loved her childhood, but there had been so many wrong decisions, no one to turn to, no one to confide in. Would her mother have seen through Scott? Would she have warned her off? That led to another sigh, what would she think of Sonny? Would she have told her mother all about him? Sighing again she realised she’d wound herself around in knots, if her mother had been around, then the chances were none of this would have happened.

What to do now? She had nothing to do, Paul and Sonny were covering for her in the restaurant, today was a big delivery day and she wasn’t sad to know that she wasn’t involved in lugging boxes of wine or tomatoes into the stores. It was a thankless task.

Wandering through town she spotted Helen waving to her from the hairdresser she ran. There was no one there, and she could do with a haircut. She deserved a treat. Though she knew that it was the first time she’d seen her friend since Scott had died, and also since she’d both kissed Sonny in front of the town, and brought Ethan to town.

She gulped this could be a monumental visit. With a sigh she waved back, and made for the shop.

                “How was your afternoon darling?”

She squatted to catch the sprinting and giggling Ethan as he bolted across the school yard to her.

                “It was grrreat! I had SO much fun. See him there...” she pointed to a little cherubic looking boy with a blonde bowl cut, “he’s my new best friend.”

He’d cried himself to sleep the previous night telling her how much he already missed Sadie and Robbie his two best friends that he’d left behind in London.

Martha linked her hand through his and listened to his stories as he skipped along the path that led to the farm. As they approached the farm, the outbuildings to their left, Ethan skipped off into the distance, and Martha sighed when she saw Sonny in a sleeveless t-shirt and sweat shorts, and she realised she’d never seen him in shorts before, he was wearing boxing gloves and pounding the punch bag that he often hung from the hay hook on the back of the outhouse.

Sensing Ethan approach, or maybe he heard him, either way, Sonny stopped what he was doing, swiped at the sweat on his brow, then stooped down to Ethan’s level.

By the time she caught up with the two, Ethan was running on to the back door, a beaming smile on his face.

                “You’ve made him smile, what’s that all about?”

HE was smiling at her again, “just told him I bought him something in town, for being such a good boy in school.” He wiped his face again with a towel, tossing his gloves onto the ground. “How was your day? I LOVE the hair by the way.”

Sliding his arms around her waist, he pulled her against his hard sweaty body, and rather than being repulsed by his damp clothing, his salty skin, she kissed him hard when his lips met hers.

When he finally pulled back he grinned, “Paul’s opening up, “I’m taking you out for dinner.”

                “It’s a nice idea, but...”

Sonny shook his head, “nope, not accepting an excuse. Lucy’s agreed to babysit, Paul is happy as long as we turn up by half ten. So I’ve booked a table in the curry house in Northbury.”

Lowering her head she looked up at him rather coyly, “we’ve not done a proper date.”

He nodded, “exactly. I’m ignoring the sorrowful looks of your dad, because I want to take you out, ok?”

She could do with a chill out; she needed to forget the afternoon with Helen, because it had been traumatic at the least.

                “Sounds amazing, and just what I need.”

Nodding he bent for the gloves and put them back on, “taxi booked for seven; hopefully Ethan will be in bed first?”

Her father and Lucy were sat in the kitchen, and Martha immediately knew they’d had words. There was an almost palpable tension between them, and whereas even a few weeks ago she’d want to get to the bottom of things, today she was too tired, too fed up with petty childishness.

Lucy looked up and gave her a conspiratorial wink; her father buried his head in the paper.

                “Good day? Ethan’s gone upstairs to get something that Sonny left there for him.”

She nodded to Aunt Lucy at the same time her father tutted at news of Sonny.

Turning to him she hit the newspaper from his hands, “accept me, accept him or me and Ethan will move out, go somewhere else, I’m not one for ultimatums, but that’s exactly what you’re doing to me. I deserve better Dad, MUCH better.”

Turning to Lucy she offered, “thanks for babysitting tonight, it’s a while since I’ve had a night out.”

It was her parting shot, but it still was greeted by yet another scornful tut from her father. She glared at him for a moment, but Lucy touched her hand and mouthed the words ‘leave it’.

Sonny had bought Ethan a remote control car, and he was screeching as he drove it around her bedroom smashing into the antique skirting boards with little care. Martha rushed over and grabbed it, “be a bit careful darling or you’ll damage the house, that won’t make granddad happy. Look.” She sat beside him and helped him learn how to control the car, and they were sat like that on the bedroom floor when she felt Sonny’s presence. Looking up she smiled at him, stood resting against the doorjamb, hair wet from the shower.

For Sonny it was the perfect picture, Martha and Ethan, a mother and her son, everything he’d longed for all his life. In that moment he saw them, in the future, the three of them doing things, maybe more of them. That thought scared him, he’d not imagined himself every having kids, after all he had nothing to offer, no prospect, no experience, he knew nothing about children, that was why he was almost vitriolic when it came to contraception. He sighed as Martha smiled at him, he’d not been so careful with her, and instead of scaring him, as the thought always had, it made him smile. He could do this, he could be the man she needed, that they needed, couldn’t he?

“What time did you say you had the taxi booked?”

Martha’s voice shook him from his idyllic dream, grinning he said, “seven.”

She nodded, “I’ll shower and change after I get Ethan some food.”

                “All in hand, believe it or not Lucy is making pizzas for the three of them. I mean it’s only putting them in the oven...”

Martha laughed, “but she hates even that much cooking. Standing she stepped towards him, “see the lengths she’ll go to keep you happy?”

Sonny laughed too, he wanted to kiss her, but they were very careful in front of Ethan, “I think she’s glad that someone is looking after you actually. So go, pamper, I’ll help squirt here to learn how to make this car spin.” When Ethan looked up in wonder he added, “learn this lesson, women can’t drive.” Then laughing he ducked Martha’s swinging hand that managed to swat his shoulder. With a whoop of triumph, she left the room.

A couple of hours later she was ready, she only wore jeans, but with a top she knew Sonny liked...or rather lusted after, and her new heels. She rarely had the chance to dress up other than for work. As she walked into the lounge she sighed, there was Ethan sat on the sofa wrapped up in Aunt Lucy’s arms, they were watching Scooby Doo, Sonny was in the chair next to them and he and Ethan were giggling at the on screen antics. There was no sign of her father, but for a moment he wasn’t needed, this was what she’d come home for, a family. Ethan was thriving in the attention, the love, and her guilt was appeasing every day.

Sonny looked up at her, and she spotted the tell tale flare of his nostrils as he looked at her, there it was, that desire, that love for her, and she was basking in that too. This was what she and Ethan deserved. It wasn’t perfect, nothing ever was, but it was what they had both wanted for the time they were exiled.

Sonny stood and nodded to Lucy, “thanks for this Luce, appreciate it.” She blushed and brushed him away as he bent to kiss her cheek.

                “Get away with you! No go and have fun.”

A honk from the farmyard indicated that the taxi had arrived, so taking Martha’s hand; Sonny led her out of the house. 

Trying Not to Love You - Part Fifty Three

Chapter Fifty Three

Behind the desk she had distance from him, and it gave Martha confidence as the office door opened. Sonny stood there, angry, hurt.

                “What are you talking about?”

She gave a breathy laugh, “you’re not a good enough actor to hide the truth Carter.”

He shook his head and she could tell he was trying to think of how to play this.

                “You were involved in Scott dying?”

His eyes snapped to hers, “NO.”

That caused her to shake her head, “tell me the truth. I deserve that much.”

                “There’s nothing to tell you Martha.”

                “I don’t believe you. Johnny was in this up to his neck, and I can’t believe that he was in it without you. Tell me.” When he said nothing she started to pace behind the desk, “or shall I tell you what’s been going through my head all night? All the time that I nursed my little boy to sleep, the little boy who already looks up to you as an idol.”

                “I never asked for that!” He spun around to stare at her, “I didn’t ask for any of this.”

                “Huh! But you’ve got it, haven’t you? I don’t believe a word you say. Gripper...who’d have thought he’d be the one to shine a light on all this? Not me, that’s for sure. But then he’s the key here, isn’t he?”

Sonny at least had the audacity to look embarrassed, but he remained silent.

                “That night, you caught him vandalising the farm, but who got away? Who was his partner in crime?” Again she was met with a stone walled silence. “Johnny. And this is where it starts making sense again.” She could feel tears at her eyes, pricking, the same emotion almost choked her, “you came to the house, took me to bed...with the blood of Scott Oldbury on your hands?”

Like a spark to dry kindling he exploded, “that’s what you think of me? Well, Miss Holier-than-thou must be right, cos she’s never bloody wrong. Are we done here or are we calling the police?”

Martha pulled her head up, “that’s it? That’s ALL you give me? I have spent the best part of an hour being interrogated by Scott’s father, the only man who can now threaten me and my son, and you can’t even be bothered to tell me the truth? Is that what we’re saying?” Martha was furious, she deserved SO much better.

                “You’ve already made up your mind.”

She shook her head, “I’ve not. I asked you, but you’ve chosen to say nothing, so now I’m adding up the evidence.”

                “I didn’t kill Scott.”

As much as she felt relief in the honesty, the earnest way he pleaded with her, she sensed the word ‘but’ approaching, and that scared her. “But you know something.”

Sonny felt as though he’d been backed into a corner, he didn’t want to tell Martha what had happened, she’d hate him, and that was worse than anything he could imagine. He hated himself for what had happened, he’d not known what he was walking into, some of it was innocence, but he knew it was always a set up, regardless. The fact that Scott was his brother...that made him feel sick. No matter the outcome they’d never have been friends, that much was true. But he still felt the waste at the loss.

He looked up and saw Martha stood there, pain and hurt on every inch of her body. And that was worse than anything else.  

                “Maybe.” He offered.

                “Are you going to tell me?”

He shrugged, moved away to the corner of the room, there was a bottle of vodka there, and he poured a glass needing something to get him through this.

                “What do you want to know?” He knew he sounded aggressive but wasn’t attack the best form of defence?

                “Hmm.” She put her finger on her lips and mock pondered. “Scott is dead, murdered, and you...you KNOW what happened. You say you didn’t kill him, but you KNOW.”

He shook his head, “I...” Glaring at her, he took a step back; he couldn’t incriminate Johnny or Marcus.

Striding up to him she took the glass from his hand and downed the alcohol with a shudder. “You obviously don’t want to talk to me. I thought I meant more. But then do I want to be involved in all this shit anyway?”

With a shake of the head, she made for the door.

Martha was struggling to cope, Sonny had meant so much to her, but now she realised she barely knew him. She had to get away, preserve what little of her self-respect she had left.

                “It’s not what you think.”

Slowly she turned to the voice, her hand on the doorknob, “what DO I think? You tell me nothing.”

He sighed, rolling his eyes, “the less you know the better Martha.”

                “I’ll be the judge of that.” When he looked at her strangely she laughed, “I’m the person who kept a son a secret for five years, so I know secrets Sonny.”

He rubbed a hand over his eyes and groaned, “he was dabbling in things that were way outside his comfort zone. He got the attention of the wrong people.”

That caused her to stop, “but killing him?”

                “He’d been involved in killing someone else...you knew what he was capable.” When she nodded he sighed, “the man you saw him beating up? Remember that? Well Oldbury, he killed the nephew of a Mr Big.”

                “So they kill him tit for tat? Where do you fit into this? Where does the man I love fit into a murder story?”

Sonny groaned, he had one option, to tell the truth, it was likely he might lose her anyway, so he had nothing to gamble with, “Oldbury was behind me going to prison.” He didn’t know why, Sonny’s own thoughts had him thinking that maybe he’d worked out that they shared a father. Jealousy would see him get put out of the picture? That was Oldbury’s level. “When I was inside I met someone who promised me information, looked after me, got me back on my feet when I came out this man...I worked for him. I’ve tried to free myself of the bad life, but when you’ve no plan B it has a habit of sucking you back in. Coming here was part of that plan.” He rolled his eyes, “I was sent here to monitor Oldbury. Keep tabs on what he was doing. That was my job.”

She wasn’t convinced, he could tell, “I was good at what I did Martha, mainly criminal activities, but when you don’t care if you live or die, then you can get EXACTLY what you want, and until a few months ago, that was how my life rolled. It’s different now, I want to live, I want to be good, and right, but that world doesn’t let you move on easily.”

                “So you HAD to be involved?” Her voice was mocking.

Running a hand over his eyes he groaned with frustration, “life it’s always simple Martha. I wanted out, for you, for your family, hell for me. But I wasn’t able to leave, this was my exit. My swansong.”

                “You set him up?”

He nodded, “I had to get him to a liaison point, I was told he was being set up for time inside, I swear. It was only when we got there that I realised things were different.”

                “He’s dead though, because of what you did.”

He nodded, “pretty much. Though if they wanted him dead it was only a matter of time.” He rubbed his eyes, “I get that you probably hate me.”

                “I feel like I don’t know you. All these lies were going on whilst you were making me fall in love with you. I feel like I don’t know the real Sonny Carter.” She averted her eyes, not wanting him to see her cry, “I hate that you did this, I hate that you HAD to, and I hate what it’ll do to you. But I don’t hate you. I love you.”

His hands came to each of her upper arms, his body warm behind her, “I never wanted to hurt you.”

She sighed, “but you do. Every day. This will never be over; it’ll always sit there between us, won’t it?”

Turning her he forced her chin up, made her look at him, “it won’t go away, it can’t, it’s happened, but we can get past it, can’t we? Can you forgive me?”

                “I don’t know Carter. It’s so final, so against everything I believe. I mean I hated Scott, more than ANY one, but I’d never have seen him killed for my benefit. I hate that he’s dead.”

Sonny groaned, “but if he was here you’d still be hidden away, Ethan would be a secret.”

                “SO I should thank you? Why don’t you give me the telephone number of this ‘boss’ and I’ll phone and thank him too?”

                “Martha...”

She shook her head passionately, “NO, don’t. Does it make it easier to sleep thinking that you did this for me? Am I the guilt absorber in all this? Bloody hell Carter, he was Ethan’s father!”

                “And he was NEVER going to know about him, if it was left to you.”

She looked at him strangely for a moment, “what do you mean?”

Sonny beat a hasty retreat, backing off across the room, “nothing, just that he was never going to be Ethan’s dad, was he?”

Martha was nothing if not intuitive, shaking her head she marched up to him, “what did you do? Did you tell him?”

Looking up to the ceiling he avoided her eyes, until she punched him in the arm, “don’t ignore me, don’t you dare. Tell me what you did. NOW!”

He felt like a naughty schoolboy, “ok. I was dragged up to see him, before they took him off into the distance; he wanted to witness a confrontation between us I think. He was enjoying it.” Sonny wasn’t about to reveal that they were siblings, that Marcus must have got off on that. “As I walked away he shouted out that you liked things rough, that you wanted what happened.” He closed his eyes, “so I replied that he’d never meet the product of that night, like I had. He was screaming as they led him off.”

                “You tortured him, at that final moment?” She was disgusted.

                “I still didn’t know if they’d kill him, they may have beaten him up...”

Leaning towards him her lips curled into a snarl, “and if he hadn’t died? He’d be here looking for Ethan, bloody hell you are a selfish bastard. Every time I think I understand, more of this bullshit comes out. What is wrong with you?”

                “I have never professed to be good at relationships; I don’t know how to be a boyfriend, a friend or anything else. I’ve only ever looked out for me, that’s been my MO since I was old enough, and I’m finding it hard not to think that way. It’s ok for you, with your loving family, a place you call home, a life, a community. Everywhere I’ve ever been I’ve been a nuisance, or an irritant. The only people who needed me were these men, and yes I’ve done bad things, but you KNEW that I was like that. So don’t make out that I’ve lied to you about who I am and what I’ve done.”

For the first time in a long time Martha felt she saw inside him, saw that vulnerable part of him that made her feel protective, motherly...he needed her, and only she could replace what those men were to her. Suddenly everything made sense, him spoiling for fights, sleeping around, he was constantly searching for a purpose, constantly trying to be normal, but he didn’t know how.

He was at the door, about to leave when she called out his name.

                “Sonny.”

He turned slowly staring at her, tears in his eyes, and she’d never seen a more tragic sight.

                “Come here.”

She opened her arms and he came towards her, resting his head on her shoulder, letting her arms engulf him, letting her take the responsibility, the stress, the work for him, for a split second.

                “What are you going to tell his father?” he asked into her neck.

She sighed, Michael was a worry. “That you knew Johnny loosely, and that Scott left him high and dry on that night, that Scott did his own thing. It was nothing to do with you or your friend.”

He lifted his head and looked at her, “you’d do that? For me?”

She nodded, “I’ll lie for you, because I love you, but it’s the last time, you hear me?”