Trying Not to Love You - Part Fifty Four

Chapter Fifty Four

Walking back to the house gave them both time to calm down and accept all that had happened. Sonny had never felt so exposed, so vulnerable, and he wasn’t comfortable with it, completely. He’d spent so long hiding his emotions, fighting his demons that the fact that they’d so easily been exposed to Martha scared him. He wasn’t sure if it was the fact that she’d listened and accepted him regardless, or the fact that she coaxed things out of him that scared her the most.

                “You ok?”

It was a dark night, he could barely see much of the woman beside him, but he could feel her small hand in his and gave it a squeeze.

                “I’m ok. Just feeling a bit...”

She sighed, “it’s ok Carter, I get it.”

He thought about her calling him by his first name a little earlier and sighed, she did understand him, maybe better than he knew himself.

                “I’ll make this up to you, I promise.”

                “I know that too, let’s get home, it’s freezing, and you still don’t have a winter coat!”

Laughing he swung an arm around her shoulders, “I’ve got you to warm me up.”

Smiling she slipped her arm reciprocally around him, tucking her hand into the waist band of his suit, “not like that first time we walked back here. Do you remember?”

He laughed, “when you couldn’t get away from me quick enough?”

Sighing she paused to look up at him, “you scared me. But I’m not scared now.”

                “You should be. Look at what I’ve done.”

She lifted her spare hand to cup his cheek, “don’t. We’ve discussed it, it’s over. Ok?”

Lifting his hand he spread his fingers through her hair, to her ear, then throat, “I can’t think what I’ve ever done to deserve you. I love you, you know that don’t you. Forever.”

Martha smiled hoping that life would and could be that simple.

                “I need you to help out a bit more Carter.” She’d showered and changed after spending the night with him, discreetly, and now she was lounging against the doorframe to his bedroom watching his sprawled out under the duvet. “I’m enrolling Ethan in school, and I need to be here more in the evening.”

He nodded, his eyes still closed, “‘k.”

                “Then I want to bath him tonight...”

                “‘k.”

She smiled he so obviously wasn’t listening to her, “then I strip naked and streak through the village.”

She could see his mouth form the abbreviation of ok when he froze and opened one eye, “what?”

Laughing she moved away from his bedroom door, “when you can be arsed to get up you might find out!”

Martha could hear him laughing as she headed downstairs.

In the kitchen her father was sat with Ethan on his lap sharing some toast, Ethan eating more than her father.

                “We need to get you dressed darling, time to visit our new school.”

Her father looked up, “you sure about this?”

She nodded, “histrionics aside, I want him to spend more time with you. Starting school is logical.”

As he was pondering that, Sonny appeared in running gear, he ran most mornings. Ethan jumped up.

                “Sonny! Will you take me to run with you?”

Sonny looked awkwardly between Martha and her father, “you’re a bit small squirt. When you’re older, ok?” He winked at Martha, “good luck today in your ne school, ok?” When Ethan’s smile wavered, he ruffled the boy’s hair. “You’ll have so much fun.” Then he gave a high five before walking out the door.

                “So how long is this going to go on? You never going to speak to him again?”

Her father shrugged, “I don’t know what I think. I just don’t want to lose you again Martha, and for as long as you are with him, I see that happening.”

Ethan loved the school. As nice as his last school had been a semi rural campus was a child’s paradise to the urban cramped concrete monstrosity he’d left behind. She didn’t know the class teacher Miss Smart, but she was extremely friendly and even encouraged Ethan to spend the rest of the day with her and his new class.

Walking out of the yard, Martha felt a sense of emotion waft over her; it was just over twenty years since her own mother had brought her there, to the same school, probably with the same sense of foreboding. Would things have been had her mother lived? She’d had Lucy and her father a safe bubble to grow up in, and she’d loved her childhood, but there had been so many wrong decisions, no one to turn to, no one to confide in. Would her mother have seen through Scott? Would she have warned her off? That led to another sigh, what would she think of Sonny? Would she have told her mother all about him? Sighing again she realised she’d wound herself around in knots, if her mother had been around, then the chances were none of this would have happened.

What to do now? She had nothing to do, Paul and Sonny were covering for her in the restaurant, today was a big delivery day and she wasn’t sad to know that she wasn’t involved in lugging boxes of wine or tomatoes into the stores. It was a thankless task.

Wandering through town she spotted Helen waving to her from the hairdresser she ran. There was no one there, and she could do with a haircut. She deserved a treat. Though she knew that it was the first time she’d seen her friend since Scott had died, and also since she’d both kissed Sonny in front of the town, and brought Ethan to town.

She gulped this could be a monumental visit. With a sigh she waved back, and made for the shop.

                “How was your afternoon darling?”

She squatted to catch the sprinting and giggling Ethan as he bolted across the school yard to her.

                “It was grrreat! I had SO much fun. See him there...” she pointed to a little cherubic looking boy with a blonde bowl cut, “he’s my new best friend.”

He’d cried himself to sleep the previous night telling her how much he already missed Sadie and Robbie his two best friends that he’d left behind in London.

Martha linked her hand through his and listened to his stories as he skipped along the path that led to the farm. As they approached the farm, the outbuildings to their left, Ethan skipped off into the distance, and Martha sighed when she saw Sonny in a sleeveless t-shirt and sweat shorts, and she realised she’d never seen him in shorts before, he was wearing boxing gloves and pounding the punch bag that he often hung from the hay hook on the back of the outhouse.

Sensing Ethan approach, or maybe he heard him, either way, Sonny stopped what he was doing, swiped at the sweat on his brow, then stooped down to Ethan’s level.

By the time she caught up with the two, Ethan was running on to the back door, a beaming smile on his face.

                “You’ve made him smile, what’s that all about?”

HE was smiling at her again, “just told him I bought him something in town, for being such a good boy in school.” He wiped his face again with a towel, tossing his gloves onto the ground. “How was your day? I LOVE the hair by the way.”

Sliding his arms around her waist, he pulled her against his hard sweaty body, and rather than being repulsed by his damp clothing, his salty skin, she kissed him hard when his lips met hers.

When he finally pulled back he grinned, “Paul’s opening up, “I’m taking you out for dinner.”

                “It’s a nice idea, but...”

Sonny shook his head, “nope, not accepting an excuse. Lucy’s agreed to babysit, Paul is happy as long as we turn up by half ten. So I’ve booked a table in the curry house in Northbury.”

Lowering her head she looked up at him rather coyly, “we’ve not done a proper date.”

He nodded, “exactly. I’m ignoring the sorrowful looks of your dad, because I want to take you out, ok?”

She could do with a chill out; she needed to forget the afternoon with Helen, because it had been traumatic at the least.

                “Sounds amazing, and just what I need.”

Nodding he bent for the gloves and put them back on, “taxi booked for seven; hopefully Ethan will be in bed first?”

Her father and Lucy were sat in the kitchen, and Martha immediately knew they’d had words. There was an almost palpable tension between them, and whereas even a few weeks ago she’d want to get to the bottom of things, today she was too tired, too fed up with petty childishness.

Lucy looked up and gave her a conspiratorial wink; her father buried his head in the paper.

                “Good day? Ethan’s gone upstairs to get something that Sonny left there for him.”

She nodded to Aunt Lucy at the same time her father tutted at news of Sonny.

Turning to him she hit the newspaper from his hands, “accept me, accept him or me and Ethan will move out, go somewhere else, I’m not one for ultimatums, but that’s exactly what you’re doing to me. I deserve better Dad, MUCH better.”

Turning to Lucy she offered, “thanks for babysitting tonight, it’s a while since I’ve had a night out.”

It was her parting shot, but it still was greeted by yet another scornful tut from her father. She glared at him for a moment, but Lucy touched her hand and mouthed the words ‘leave it’.

Sonny had bought Ethan a remote control car, and he was screeching as he drove it around her bedroom smashing into the antique skirting boards with little care. Martha rushed over and grabbed it, “be a bit careful darling or you’ll damage the house, that won’t make granddad happy. Look.” She sat beside him and helped him learn how to control the car, and they were sat like that on the bedroom floor when she felt Sonny’s presence. Looking up she smiled at him, stood resting against the doorjamb, hair wet from the shower.

For Sonny it was the perfect picture, Martha and Ethan, a mother and her son, everything he’d longed for all his life. In that moment he saw them, in the future, the three of them doing things, maybe more of them. That thought scared him, he’d not imagined himself every having kids, after all he had nothing to offer, no prospect, no experience, he knew nothing about children, that was why he was almost vitriolic when it came to contraception. He sighed as Martha smiled at him, he’d not been so careful with her, and instead of scaring him, as the thought always had, it made him smile. He could do this, he could be the man she needed, that they needed, couldn’t he?

“What time did you say you had the taxi booked?”

Martha’s voice shook him from his idyllic dream, grinning he said, “seven.”

She nodded, “I’ll shower and change after I get Ethan some food.”

                “All in hand, believe it or not Lucy is making pizzas for the three of them. I mean it’s only putting them in the oven...”

Martha laughed, “but she hates even that much cooking. Standing she stepped towards him, “see the lengths she’ll go to keep you happy?”

Sonny laughed too, he wanted to kiss her, but they were very careful in front of Ethan, “I think she’s glad that someone is looking after you actually. So go, pamper, I’ll help squirt here to learn how to make this car spin.” When Ethan looked up in wonder he added, “learn this lesson, women can’t drive.” Then laughing he ducked Martha’s swinging hand that managed to swat his shoulder. With a whoop of triumph, she left the room.

A couple of hours later she was ready, she only wore jeans, but with a top she knew Sonny liked...or rather lusted after, and her new heels. She rarely had the chance to dress up other than for work. As she walked into the lounge she sighed, there was Ethan sat on the sofa wrapped up in Aunt Lucy’s arms, they were watching Scooby Doo, Sonny was in the chair next to them and he and Ethan were giggling at the on screen antics. There was no sign of her father, but for a moment he wasn’t needed, this was what she’d come home for, a family. Ethan was thriving in the attention, the love, and her guilt was appeasing every day.

Sonny looked up at her, and she spotted the tell tale flare of his nostrils as he looked at her, there it was, that desire, that love for her, and she was basking in that too. This was what she and Ethan deserved. It wasn’t perfect, nothing ever was, but it was what they had both wanted for the time they were exiled.

Sonny stood and nodded to Lucy, “thanks for this Luce, appreciate it.” She blushed and brushed him away as he bent to kiss her cheek.

                “Get away with you! No go and have fun.”

A honk from the farmyard indicated that the taxi had arrived, so taking Martha’s hand; Sonny led her out of the house.