Trying Not to Love You - Part Sixty Seven

Chapter Sixty Seven

The next day was Saturday, and Martha woke early to her phone ringing. It was Paul.

                “My mother has fallen, she’s in hospital. Is there any chance you could look after my kids this morning? I wouldn’t ask but I’m desperate.”

                “Of course. Drop them here for breakfast.”

He sighed, “you are a life saver.”

Half an hour later a car pulled into the yard and the two kids jumped out excitedly, Molly had been to the farm again, but Conor hadn’t. Both were suitably attired in welly boots and waterproof jackets.

She threw open the back door and the two kids burst in depositing their outerwear in the small porch, before joining Ethan at the table where a mound of pancakes sat.

                “Made you a bacon sandwich that you can eat in the car,” Martha handed Paul a foil wrapped parcel. “Look after yourself. Ok?”

                “You are such a good person Martha. I’ll call you in a while?”

She smiled as he rushed back to the car concern for his mother apparent.

When she turned back to the kitchen and the three kids wolfing down pancakes, her eyes met Sonny’s, he was leaning against the doorway watching the morning unfold.

                “You are always looking after everyone Martha. Who looks after you?”

She poured coffee and handed him a mug, “if everyone does their job then I don’t need anyone to look after me.”

He sighed, “it’s not right.”

Two hours later Sonny returned from his run to find Martha and the three kids out in the yard feeding the animals. Carl was up in one of the top fields fixing something with Eamonn, the whole place seemed to be bustling with activity. He slowed to a stop and took the time to stretch as he cooled down. Paul’s oldest boy headed across the field to join Carl, and the two youngest were jumping in muddy puddles when Martha approached.

                “You still going to see Michael?”

He shrugged, “I think you need me here.”

She sighed, “I think you’re putting things off.”

                “Maybe. But I have to be ready.”

Raising an eyebrow she sighed, “life isn’t easy Carter.”

He emerged from the shower feeling a lot better and found the two youngest kids playing with Lego in the lounge. Martha was making lunch.

When she re entered the room, she laughed to see Sonny sat on the sofa, one of the youngsters on each knee reading them a story. It struck a chord in her, seeing him like that. The adoration on the children’s faces was so obvious and he laughed as he read the Gruffalo complete with a dozen different voices.  He’d make such a good father, he had so much love to give, so much unrestrained desire to make things better for other’s than it was for him. She sighed, and she could never give him that.

The fact that she couldn’t have any more children had never bothered her, the trauma of delivering Ethan and the subsequent infection, pain and disability that she’d suffered afterwards had put her off for life. Or so she thought. She’d always imagined Ethan would be enough, that he was all she needed, and for her he was, but as she looked at Sonny, playing, laughing, she realised what she’d deprive a man of, the chance to be a father, to father a child. How could she contemplate that with someone as desperate for a family as Sonny Carter?

Sneaking back out of the room, she finished their lunch, hating that a few tears escaped her eyes and coursed down her cheeks. Damage from Scott...that is what had ultimately made her having Ethan so difficult. He had the last laugh yet again. The only child she’d ever have would be Scott Oldbury’s.

                “Who’d have thought that kids would like me reading?”

Martha smiled at Sonny’s beaming face, “you’re a natural, but then we knew that, Ethan loves you. You’ll be a great father.”

He coughed at that, “I wouldn’t take it that far, I have no idea how to be a dad. No idea what that means.”

She laughed, “when the time comes you’ll know, you already know how to deal with the kids, you’re good at it. Juts being yourself.”

He smiled, a genuine, pleased almost over confident smile, “really?”

She nodded, “definitely, and you’ll deserve it when it happens.”

Sonny smiled, and it was always something to behold, his whole face lit up.

                “I can see it now, me surrounded by kids, you shouting at me as much as them. I figure I’ll be like having an extra child.” He looked at her, “I was wrong to think I can do all this without you, I can’t Martha. I want to do this with you.”

This was just what she didn’t want to hear, they were both on such different paths with so much baggage, so many issues, giving her head a shake she moved away, “you made your choice Carter. We can’t pretend you didn’t.”

                “But I love you...”

She sighed, “and you’ve chosen to use that fact to hurt me. I can’t put myself through that again. You’ve moved on, I think that’s the right thing. I value as a friend, as part of this family, but I can’t be more than that. There’s too much going on, too much at risk, and too much pain.”

With what she hoped was a dazzling if not friendly smile she turned away and proceeded to make dinner, hiding her emotion from everyone.

Sonny couldn’t beg, it was against everything in him, but he knew that over the past few weeks he was more unhappy than he had been when he’d been alone. He’d hurt Martha, he knew that, though his intentions had been for the best. Hadn’t they? He groaned. He WAS scared, he would never admit it to anyone, but loving her was far scarier than the issues with his father, maybe even the trips back to in time to the demons of his past. And she was right; he still didn’t trust anyone, why should she give him a second chance? He looked at himself, what did he have to offer her? Nothing. No prospects, no future and a jaded past.

He pulled on his suit, another Saturday night at the restaurant loomed and he had to snap out of the bad mood he was in. Maybe he’d head to London for the day on Sunday, visit a few old stomping grounds, catch up with a few acquaintances, could he do that without slipping back into his old life? He so wanted to prove to Martha that he was the man she’d thought he was. In London would he fall into old ways? He didn’t want to, but the fact that he was having these thoughts proved he wasn’t a good influence for Ethan, she was right to keep her distance from him.

He just wished the pain of rejection didn’t open so many raw wounds, because as usual he could feel the bile in his throat rising, the sick feelings as the past and the present mixed in turmoil.

Rushing to the kitchen he found a bottle of vodka in the cupboard there and poured a large glug into a tumbler and downed most of it. He felt a little easier.

Saturday night was a party night at the restaurant, and she and Sonny worked the floor as usual. Being busy meant they had less chance to talk; to dissect all that had happened between them. Or rather what wasn’t between them. But where they normally worked well, tonight they bitched.

                “You were supposed to take wine to table three.”

                “I was taking main courses to table nine, I can’t do everything Martha. Ask Tom, he’s looking bored.”

She rolled her eyes, but a few minutes later they both wanted the same bottle of wine, the only Sauvignon Blanc that was cold. That caused a few more words to be muttered under breaths.

Their usual relaxed and familiar relationship was definitely fraught, and they tried their best to avoid each other. As much as they could in such a close environment.

And it was hectic, which helped, Paula and Mark who ran the local shop were celebrating their twenty fifth wedding anniversary and it meant that half the town were present. So for Martha there was the added issue that everyone who’d witness her kiss Sonny so publicly a couple of  months earlier, now saw the distance and awkwardness between them...and Jade. She and James were sat with a group of their friends, guests for the night, Rebecca; the daughter of the couple was Jade’s best friend. 

Every time Sonny passed her table Jade would smile at him, occasionally reaching out to touch him, initially it was a familiar caress, but that soon became a swat to the bottom, enough that if she hadn’t shared his bed several times in the last few weeks that he could have had her arrested for sexual harassment.

Each time she reached out he took her hand and stopped her, “hands off what you can’t afford.”

But as she consumed more alcohol she seemed to gain more bravado.

Every comment was like a knife in Martha’s heart, not only seeing them flirting, but that the whole town saw that too. She’d never felt so inadequate in her life before. But this was your choice she reminded herself. Just this afternoon he wanted you back, told you he loved you, and it wasn’t enough. She sighed again, it was too much. She had to let him go, their relationship was never going to work, not in a sexual way, they were destined to be friends, either that or they’d end up killing each other.

As she looked up, Sonny was at the end of the bar opening a bottle of wine, and at that moment Jade moved through the room, deliberately squeezing alongside him as she travelled to the bathroom. As she whispered something in his ear he laughed, then met Martha’s eyes.

                “Have you got a problem with Jade?”

Martha looked up when he spoke, the disco had just started and she could barely hear him for the music. “No.”

But that confidence didn’t reach her eyes.

                “You don’t want me. You told me that.” Martha gave a small nod, and he continued, “but no one else can, is that it?”

She shook her head, “if you want Jade that’s your choice.”

It was his turn to shake his head, “I want you, but you don’t want me. I’m ruined, because no one lives up to you.”

She sighed, “she will do, in time.”

                “I love you, but I can’t be with you...and yet I’m hurting you by being with someone else. What can I do?”

She swallowed her anxiety, the fact that the same day she’d rejected his advances he was moving on, that spoke volumes, “you do what feels right, I’m not hurt...it’s just that everyone’s watching. That’s my bad not yours.”

At that moment Jade appeared in front of him, “you don’t mind if I drag him off for a dance do you?”

Martha looked at the younger woman and smiled, “of course not. You two have fun.”

The night had been painful and long. Finally it had ended and Martha had been glad to throw everyone out. By that point Jade was limpeted around Sonny and he had joined in with the rounds of Jaeger bombs that the under thirties began guzzling.

                “You want an escort?” As she looked up the office she saw James hanging around the door. They’d barely spoken in the last few months.

                “I’d rather share a drink, you?”

He smiled, “sounds good.”

She got a bottle of whisky and two glasses and they sat at a table, and she poured them a measure each.

                “Haven’t seen much of you in the pub.” James offered as he took a sip.

She nodded, “unsociable hours, you know all about that, then there’s Ethan.”

James smiled, “I’m still amazed at him, that no one knew, that you did it all alone.”

Martha drained her glass, “needs must.”

She wasn’t feeling over talkative, but it wasn’t in her nature to be rude either, so she refilled their glasses.

                “So you and Sonny...”

She laughed correcting him, “you mean Jade and Sonny.”

                “What happened?”

Martha eyeballed James, “you expect me to tell you intricacies of what went on between us? Me?”

He grinned, “the woman who kept a child a secret! You’re a pro at this.” He slugged his drink again, “I’m worried about Jade, he’s too...she’s out of her depth.”

That made Martha laugh, “really? She gives as good as she gets, and whatever you think about Sonny, he won’t hurt Jade. He’s honest with his women.”

                “Honest that they’re only ever temporary?”

That barb hurt and she tried to hide the flinch of pain, “she knows what she’s getting into.”

                “Did you?”

She stared at him, “this is not about me, this is about the fact that your sister is not a kid anymore, and you need to deal with that.”

Conversation over, and for the nth time their friendship had been stressed beyond belief.

Sonny woke and didn’t know where he was, for a moment he was in his bed at the farm, not the outhouse, but the bed in the room adjacent to Martha. Groaning the last twenty four hours came rolling back and with a sigh he turned his head to see Jade’s sleeping face beside him. She was fun, they’d gone to a club the previous evening, drunk shots until they could barely walk, then he’d carried her most of the way home as her heeled shoes were killing her. She’d been snoring before her head hit her pillow, and he’d slept surprisingly well, considering the amount they’d drunk.

                “You thinking of sneaking off?”

He’d pulled himself to sitting when two arms snaked around his waist, “stay for a few minutes more.”

He looked down at her, “minutes? Me?”

Laughing her hands wandered lower and all too soon he was powerless to resist her.

                “Do you have to go?”

He hated that her voice sounded like a whine, “places to go, people to see. You know how it is.”

She sighed, flopping back onto the bed completely naked, the duvet tossed loosely around her waist, “I only wanted you to hang around, it’s Sunday. We could have some fun. I like you Sonny.”

He turned to look at her, she was a lissom invitation draped across the bed, he reached out and ran his thumb over her bottom lip, “and I like you, we had fun last night...”

                “But you’re not up to anything more.”

He nodded, “I’m not going to plan dinners or trips to the cinema, I’m not thinking beyond now. That's how I work. Ok? If you can’t deal with that...”

She sighed, rolling onto her front, “suppose I’ll have to work on that some more.”

Giving a quick smile he pulled on his clothes then slipped out into the winter sun. He had an appointment with his destiny. Suddenly his father could wait no longer, he had to start sorting out his life before he drowned in the chaos, and Michael Oldbury was where he had to start.