Trying Not to Love You - Part Sixty Six

A/N There are a lot of loose ends to begin tying together and this is the beginning of Sonny confronting his past, hope you enjoy the insight into him, and start to understand him more. There's a long way to go for these two, but this is the start of them sorting their lives out.

Chapter Sixty Six

Sonny was tense as he ate the meal Martha had prepared, and there was nothing she could do about it. All three adults sat there digesting what had just happened as Ethan wolfed down his dinner unaware of the turmoil.

                “Nice dinner Martha, thanks.”

She looked up to see Sonny gathering the plates, “no problem.”

                “Lucy, I’ll be fifteen minutes getting changed, then I’ll drop you, can I take your car?” He asked the last bit to Martha who nodded. “I’ll meet you at the restaurant later.”

She nodded, “I’ll be there once my father shows up. I’ve no idea where he is.”

As it was Carl turned up an hour later, he’d been out with Eamonn, but was happy to babysit, so she changed into her work clothes, and headed to the restaurant.

Sonny was still angry; she could tell by the hard line of his shoulders, the frown that threatened to break across his face, nothing seemed to lift it.

                “Let it go,” she offered as she passed him at the bar, heading for the office to dump her coat and bag, “don’t let him win.”

Sonny scowled, “easier said than done.”

And his mood didn’t improve all night. As the last of the people left, Sonny still wasn’t himself, Martha wished he’d open up, but she knew he wasn’t the type. Instead she watched him toss her the keys then storm off in the direction of the pub...and Jade. It seemed when the going got tough he ran to her. It hurt less as the days went on, but nevertheless she still felt betrayed as she headed home alone.

Two days later Martha came home from taking Ethan to school and found Sonny with a coffee watching the news in the lounge. Lucy was still in bed, her father was selling one of his prize horses, so was meeting with a prospective buyer.

                “What’s happening in the world?” She asked standing in the doorway looking at the TV, it showed the rescue effort after a landslide in South America, and the sight of the homeless families searching for family members almost broke her heart. “Better the devil you know hey?”

He nodded, “always someone worse off than you.”

As he stood, about to leave, a ‘breaking news’ banner flashed across the screen.

                “Mooreland Lodge, a children’s home in North London was closed today amidst historical charges of child abuse in the eighties and nineties. The home which houses up to two hundred of the most vulnerable children in the South of England is claimed to have been a haven of physical and sexual abuse several decades ago. Three of the staff accused have retired, but there are four members of staff still working there that are accused of being part of this.” The screen cut to a well dressed man who had a grim expression as he talked to a reporter. “Stephen Marshall the MP for the area is quoted as saying it’s a disgrace that this could happen and is appealing for previous residents who witnessed anything, or were in fact victims to come forward."

The item continued showing photos of the home, and then an interview with the investigating officer who claimed that historical claims were dealt with as seriously as any other.

It wasn’t the story that made her freeze then turn slowly towards Sonny, but the fact that he dropped his mug onto the floor, and it breaking into three pieces. When she looked at his face, she couldn’t believe it, he was deathly white, and his hands were gripped into tight fists. She reached out and touched his arm, but he snatched it away and stormed out of the room, and the house.

She looked at the screen again, then shook her head, a sick sensation was taking over her, she didn’t like the conclusions she was making, but the vulnerable side of Sonny had appeared and she’d never seen anyone look so terrified.

Sonny was nowhere to be seen, and she didn’t want to push him, there was a time and a place, and he could be the tightest closed book when he wanted to be. But as she headed to town to shop, starting to accumulate her Christmas gifts, her mind was on the broken man she’d left back at the farm, and she felt guilty at abandoning her when he needed her...even if he denied that he needed anyone.

Later after storing the gifts she’d purchased in various cupboards, she found Sonny in the utility room sorting through some of his clothing.

                “You ok?” He shrugged noncommittally, so she offered, “it might help to talk.”

Turning towards her he snarled, “you reckon? You think that airing dark dirty secrets will make me fit into this family more easily? Cos I don’t!”

He grabbed at the clothing then stormed towards the door, bur her voice caused him to stop.

                “Nothing would make me judge you differently, but it might make me understand you better. You were a boy Sonny, whatever happened was wrong.”

At that his shoulders dropped and his head fell, moving towards him she placed her hands on his arms, standing behind him trying to give him some strength. It took a moment before he lifted his head, but when he did he turned to her and she hated the haunted look in his eyes.

                “I can’t go back to that hell, I can’t talk about it.”

She gave a sad smile and squeezed his shoulder, “when you can I’m here, ok?”

He didn’t answer, but he seemed a little calmer as he left the room.

                “I’m going to see Michael.”

Sonny’s head snapped up from the account books he was studying. The restaurant was quiet but they were trying to sort out tax returns, and neither was that experienced at it. A couple of days had passed since her offer to hear him out and he’d not come forth to talk to her. But she hadn’t expected him too.

                “Why?”

Martha shrugged, “he’s Ethan’s grandfather. I have to make this work. It’s like a dark cloud hanging over me, and I need to deal with it.”

He shook his head, “you can’t.” It was a firm, hard NO.

That made her laugh, “you’re not my father! I am going to try and make this work. I know he’s got a bit of a campaign against you, but he’s grieving at losing his son. He will get past it.”

                “Grieving!” He laughed, “for that bastard? When the hell will he stop pretending that Scott Oldbury was anything more than a bully and a thug? And when will you stop making excuses for them both?”

Martha took a step back, “I’m not making excuses, but for the last five years Michael has helped me out...”

That made Sonny straighten to his full height, “what does that mean?”

She shrugged, “he helped me stay afloat...”

                “He bankrolled you? You let that man buy you?”

Martha was surprised at the vindictive way Sonny spoke, “I get that you don’t like him, but he wanted to keep Ethan free of his son too. Without him Scott may have found us. And it meant I could look after my son. He did right by me; I owe him a second chance.”

Sonny slammed his hands down on the counter and glared at her, “you think you know people, but who do you really know? Ever?”

With that he stormed out of the restaurant, leaving Martha to wonder when Sonny would stop running from everything that was a little more than straight forward.

The next day as she gave Ethan breakfast, Sonny appeared Jade draped around him. She was definitely his ‘go to’ place. When Stephanie wasn’t in the house he stayed in his old room and the thought of the two of them having sex in the next door room to her made her skin crawl, but she wasn’t about to give either of them the satisfaction of seeing her pain.

                “You want coffee Jade?”

She smiled at that, and nodded, “thanks. I need something to wake me up.” She glanced at Sonny, “he doesn’t let me sleep much.”

Martha turned towards the cupboard to find a mug and breathed, “I remember,” under her breath, hating that the memories of those passion filled nights with Sonny was so vivid and so ready to swamp her mind.  When she had the two mugs filled with coffee she had calmed a little. As she turned towards the couple, Sonny was staring at her, and she knew he’d heard her mutterings.

Giving her best and most genial smile, she turned back to her son and coaxed him to finish his porridge.

                “What did you mean earlier?”

Martha was embroiled in the utility room trying to sort through the clean and dirty laundry when Sonny’s voice caused her to look up. “What?”

                “Earlier at breakfast.”

She shook her head, “what did I say?”

He stepped towards her, “that you remember...us.”

                “Why wouldn’t I? Anyway it was a joke, but not one I thought Jade would laugh at.”

With that she turned back to the job in hand, “are you still determined to go and see Oldbury?”

She nodded, “I have to make this right. For Ethan’s sake.”

                “Then I’m coming with you.”

Martha laughed, “he spent the other day trying to provoke you into hitting him, I hardly think you’re going to steady the waters.”

Sonny sighed, “he wants me, that’s what all this is about. He’s not after custody of Sonny; it’s all a way of hurting me. He knows that I love you, and that being apart from you would crucify me. But that’s not enough, he wants me out of this house, away from you completely, why do you think your father wants to diversify? The pub conveniently comes with accommodation.”

Shaking her head as if to clear her ears, Martha stared at him, “what are you saying?”

                “That he told me if I left you alone he’d pull the legal case, he’d leave you alone if I left you alone.”

She’d known that something had happened, but hadn’t pulled all the pieces together; she’d not anticipated this fully. “You dumped me because Michael Oldbury told you to?”

Sonny bit his tongue; it hadn’t been Oldbury that had convinced him, but Carl and Stephanie, though he had no intention of showing just how many people were against them being together, betrayal by the two people she trusted might be too much for her, “I did it to make things easier for you.”

                “No,” she shook her head aggressively, “you took an easy option, instead of talking to me. This is the problem with you Carter, you are a closed book, you don’t share anything with me? You made me feel as though we had a future, but at the first sign of difficulty you backed down, you should have trusted me, talked to me. We could have dealt with it together, instead you hurt me, and that was the hardest part of it all.”

He stepped towards her, “I want to make it better. I really do.”

She sighed, “this is too little too late, I have to do this myself now, it’s the only way. You’re too late telling me this, don’t you see that?”

                “It doesn’t have to be too late; you know how I feel about you.”

Martha shook her head, “I don’t know anything anymore. All I know is that you told me you loved me, then within a couple of weeks you were screwing someone else, that made anything we had cheap and nasty.” She sighed, “all you had to do was trust me, but you don’t trust anyone, do you?”

                “I want to.” He offered, “but I don’t know how.”

Martha hated that confession, Sonny had been neglected and abused on so many levels as a vulnerable child, it was a miracle that he’d made it this far. How could he be expected to form meaningful relationships when he hadn’t had any to learn from? Anyone who’d been in a position of caring for him, had abused him in some way, and that wasn’t acceptable. But it didn’t make things any easier for her to deal with.

Instead she gave an awkward smile, “maybe you need to learn. I’m going to see Oldbury though, and I think I should go alone.”

Sonny sighed and she looked up at his confused face, he was in some sort of turmoil, and it was with a grunt of frustration that he pulled a wad of papers from his back pocket and tossed them onto the top of the washing machine in front of her.

                “What’s this?” She reached for the bundle as Sonny shrugged an answer and headed for the kitchen.

Pulling the elastic band from around the papers she looked at two photographs, they were black and white showing a glamorous young woman with dark hair and warm dark eyes, there was no mistaking that she was Sonny’s mother they looked so alike, and in the picture she looked so happy, smiling up at a man who had an arm around her shoulder.

Martha leaned closer for a better view and then gasped, was that...?

                “He’s your father?”

Sonny looked up and sighed, Martha looked as pale as he felt with worry lines coursing her brow. He gave a brief nod then added, “I was given that information the night that Scott was killed.”

                “This was what your contact promised you? Information that the man you were about to hand over to meet his end was your brother?” She couldn’t miss the shudder that shook his body at her words and she wondered if that was the first time he’d actually realised that Scott was his brother. She shook her head then stared at him with a start, “you’re Ethan’s uncle?”

Sonny sighed, he didn’t know anything anymore, “it’s hard to digest. I’ve not really thought about it...”

Martha shook her head, “you’ve known this for weeks, months even and you did nothing about it?”

                “The man hates me, and after reading that letter I hate him right back.”

Martha wasn’t buying that, his mother was devastated at losing the love of her life, she’d read that, Michael had abandoned her. But she knew Sonny, he’d longed for a father, he’d confessed to his dreams when he was a kid when his father was a famous actor, or a spy, or an astronaut. He’d lived the last twenty years with the belief that his father would have made things right, that if he found him he’d have an identity, that he’d finally find out who he was, now he wanted to back away, run away in true Sonny fashion.

                “You’re just scared Carter, as much as you’ll deny it you’re scared of what he’ll say.”

He gave a little grunt of protest; his eyes wild with what she knew was fear, “no.”

She wasn’t letting him get away, “it’s understandable, but you have GOT to tell him, at least give him the chance to do the right thing. You definitely don’t owe him anything, but you have to see how this pans out, can’t you see that? You have to give him a chance.”

He shook his head again and Martha felt pain at the emotion in his face, “Carter, you HAVE to do this. I’ll come with you, I’ll help you...if you need me, but you have to do it.”

Giving a slight nod, he looked at her, “what if he still hates me?”

She sighed, “it isn’t going to be easy, but you have to try. Don’t you?”

He nodded, “tomorrow, I’ll tell him tomorrow.”