Trying Not to Love You - Part Sixty One

Chapter Sixty One

Martha ended up spending most of the day with Paul and the kids. It was late afternoon when she got back to the house. Sonny was sat in the kitchen pouring over what was presumably the racing pages of the newspaper; her father was making them both coffee.

                “Well isn’t this cosy,” she muttered loud enough that Sonny heard and looked up with a scowl. At the same moment Ethan spotted Sonny and squealed.

                “You’re back!”

Sonny’s scowl immediately disappeared as the boy threw himself into his arms. Hugging him tightly he was watching her as she moved into the room, removing her coat and shoes.

                “You want a coffee?” her father asked from the other side of the room.

                “No thanks, I’ve had enough trying to fight off the cold.”

She wanted to be civil in front of Ethan.

                “We need to talk Martha.”

Smiling at her father she shook her head, “we’re going to the cinema in half an hour, don’t worry I’ll be back in time for work.”

                “We’re going in, you can have the night off,” her father offered with a smile.

                “YOU?” She shook her head, “you’re going to work?” Looking between the two of them she was incredulous, “right. I see.”

Walking out of the room she felt as though her heart was breaking all over again.

She was sat in her bedroom hating that she was so close to tears again. But she had to think of Ethan, he was desperate to see the latest PIXAR movie, and she had promised him popcorn and sweets too. As she was straightening her wayward hair in the mirror there was a tap at the door, she turned as it opened and she saw Sonny stood there looking angry.

                “Give him a break. He’s trying his best.”

She gave a sarcastic laugh at that, turning back to the task in hand she hoped that would brush him off, but as the door closed, she could see him in the mirror walking towards him.

                “What are you not going to be reasonable? That’s not you Martha.”

She sighed, “Reasonable? Give my father a break? What gives you the right to ask that of me?”

He lowered himself to sit on the bed and looked at her.

                “Are you going to sit there while I get changed?”

Sonny shrugged, “if I have to. I don’t understand why you’re being like this.”

Throwing down her hair brush she turned around and glared at him, “like what? Three weeks ago things were going well, but you, him.” She shook her head trying to clear her thoughts. “You and my father are in cahoots, secret whispers, meetings, job offers. I have given EVERYTHING to keep things going, to keep him afloat, and I overhear things, get dumped on, literally.” She sighed, “you have no idea of the things I want to say to you and him, no idea at all.”

He laughed, “fire away, seems you have the monopoly on pain and sacrifice in this house.”

                “What have you sacrificed? What have you lost? All you’re doing is gaining. Gaining a home, a job, more than that - a pub to manage, you’ve even gained a bloody father, who cares that he’s MINE, and that I’ve been pushed out after moving back here lock, stock and barrel. If Ethan wasn’t settled into school I’d be gone, back to London, back to my life.”

Standing he stared at her, “I’m not stealing your father, I’m supporting him, that’s all.”

Martha had squared up to him, “you’re rubbing each other’s backs, that’s obvious. At my expense.”

                “You’re jealous? Of me spending time with your father?”

                “Ha!” She laughed, “really? You are SO deluded, you keep telling yourself that. A few weeks ago you wanted me, but a few promises of work from my father and you dump me...by letter, and now all your dreams are coming true. If I go then you and my Dad can play happy families, a father figure finally, just as you’ve always wanted.”

As she said it she hated that she’d been so nasty. As she opened her mouth to apologise, he snapped a reply.

                “Oh, hit me where it hurts why don’t you? I don’t need your father; I’ve got a father of my own, for what it’s worth.” As he turned to rush from the room she reached out and grabbed his arm.

                “That was below the belt, I’m sorry.” When he only shrugged she sighed, something had changed, and for a moment she forgot about herself. “Have you found out something about your dad?” Her concern was for Sonny, he looked so lost for a moment.

He shrugged again and she forced him to look at her, “this isn’t about me.”

                “Carter, what’s happened? Have you found out about your father?”

He shook his head fiercely, “I don’t need a father, I’ve got this far without the bastard, I don’t want him now...and I don’t want Carl as a father, you got that?”

She refused to let go of the grip on his arm, “when did you find out about him? Is he local?”

                “I don’t want to talk about this, I don’t have a father.”

                “I don’t have a father either. We can be like twins!”

Both sets of eyes snapped down to the little boy who stood in the now open doorway smiling.

Martha smiled at him then looked back at Sonny. But the barriers had dropped, the vulnerability was replaced by anger, resentment and a scowl that reminded her of the Sonny she’d first met when she walked back into the farm all those months ago.

She tried to engage him again, but he gave a firm shake of his head, then with a ruffle to Ethan’s hair, he disappeared.  

                “Are we going to the cinema?”

Martha laughed scooping him up into a hug, “of course we are, do you know where your shoes are? We need to leave.”

She’d speak to Sonny, find out what was happening, because whatever happened, whatever he said or did, she cared about him, he had been her closest confidante and best friend for months. It was hard to switch off to what that meant.

The film was funny, and they’d sat together chuckling at the antics on screen. But Ethan fell asleep on the way home, obviously still exhausted, the legacy from his sleepover. As she turned on the TV Martha realised how much she missed Aunt Lucy, she’d become such good company over the last few weeks. Instead she rattled around the house on her own. There was nothing on TV, so she made for the kitchen and powered up her laptop at the same time as the coffee machine started to brew.

As she browsed her social media, she called Aunt Lucy’s mobile, hoping to speak to her. She got her voicemail, so she left a message asking how she was getting on, that she missed her, and if she needed a lift to call. 

After a few mugs of coffee, she moved onto gin and tonic, interspersing drinks with different CD’s on the small stereo in the corner of the kitchen. She’d organised most of Ethan’s Christmas presents through online shopping before it was eleven o’clock. And it was then her father turned up.

He looked tired, but she tried to not be too sympathetic, after all this was his first day’s work since his stroke almost eight months earlier.

                “Busy?” She asked looking up from her laptop.

He nodded, “these parties were a great idea though, I didn’t believe it until I saw it. Well done.”

Accepting his congratulations, she sipped her drink, “so who’s locking up with Sonny?”

                “He’s got a couple of kids there with him, I offered to stay but he wouldn’t hear of it.”

She sipped her drink again, “he’s like that. Generous.”

                “Martha...”

She shook her head, “Dad I’m not ready for this. You have got everything wrong, him, me...at the moment all you’re doing is using people. I know you; I know what you’re doing. And you are wrong, it will all back fire on you. Stop all this bullshit and you may just salvage your family.”

He stared at her mouth opened stunned by her outbreak. She thought of Sonny’s words, to take it easy on him, but she wasn’t ready for that. Her anger was still fresh, the wounds still raw.

                “You’re getting this wrong.”

Martha knew this couldn’t rest, “no Dad. You decided that Sonny wasn’t good enough for me, I don’t know what you said, but I KNOW you made him leave. The fact that you don’t think I’m a decent judge of character, well that hurts, but as if that’s not enough you welcome Sonny back like a prodigal son and then offer him a job managing a pub you don’t even own. You’re selling the restaurant that I have struggled to keep running, I sacrificed living with my son for months to help you, and at the first opportunity you betray me, choose the man you say you hate over me.”

Her father floundered for an answer, but there was none really, he may have only been guilty of bad decision making, but it had hurt her beyond belief, and that was inexcusable. Until she’d calmed down anyway.

                “I’m going out for a walk; will you listen out for Ethan? I’ll be half an hour tops. I need some fresh air.”

                “I wish you wouldn’t run away...”

Martha sighed, “there’s nothing you could say now that I’m ready to hear. Maybe later, but not now. Will you listen out for him?”

When her father agreed, she grabbed her coat and rushed outside. She was right, the fresh air did make her feel instantly better, there was only one place she was going, and that was to speak to Sonny. Something happened this afternoon and she wanted to get to the bottom of it.

There were about a dozen patrons still left in the restaurant. The disco was almost packed up, Charlie who provided the service liked being away by midnight, virtually as soon as the music ended, so from about eleven he started to load his van with his equipment. Martha smiled at him, then spoke to Tom, the young waiter.

                “Been busy?”

He nodded, “but everyone seemed to collapse at the same time, one minute they were ordering Mojitos, the next minute it was cabs home.”

Martha smiled, “what about Sam, has she gone home?”

He shook his head, “we’ve been trying to help Sonny, he had a phone call to make earlier.

                “Get your things; I’ll help Sonny finish up. You’ll be paid an extra hour, ok?”

Grinning he called over to Sam who was cleaning tables, when she looked up he gestured to the door and the two disappeared into the night.

                “Come on you guys, haven’t you got homes to go to?”

Martha approached the stragglers and started to guide them towards the door, there were a few drunken protests, but they all gathered their coats bantering with her as she eased them out into the cold night. As she locked the door and turned around she saw Sonny standing in the door to the office his arms crossed over his chest.

                “I was capable of doing this alone.”

She shrugged, “I’ve never doubted your capabilities, but you waltzed into my bedroom earlier wanting to talk. We didn’t finish what you started, so here I am...”

He laughed, “you don’t want to talk, you just want to hate me.”

Passionately shaking her head she denied that, “I’ve never said I hate you, but I hate what you did to me, and how you did it.”

                “I’m not good at this...” he gestured wildly around himself and she knew he meant relationships.

                “I’ve hardly got a good track record. So tell me about your father?”

He shook his head, “there’s nothing to say.”

                “Something has changed Carter, I can tell that.”

He laughed, “I’m not someone you can manage, I’m not a charity case.”

Groaning she rolled her eyes, “no you’re someone who can walk into my room and criticise me, tell me what I’m doing wrong, but can’t take it back.  We were friends before it got messy, and I can’t just stop caring about you.”

Sonny stepped away from her and her dangerous words, “I’m not about to sit down and talk about my feelings Martha, that isn’t me.”

Martha gave a long sigh, “isn’t it? Ok. You keep it all in and I’ll sit back and watch you self destruct, cos that’s what you do Carter.”

With that she turned on her heel. His indifference made it easier to dislike him, though her love meant she’d forgive him anything. She hated that about herself, but that was how it was.

They managed to be civil over the next couple of days, but that was as far as it went, they were both hiding, retreating to lick their very open and raw wounds. Three days later was Sonny’s thirtieth birthday. She told her father, and even though they weren’t recovered from the damage he’d inflicted on their relationship, he knew that it was a milestone that shouldn’t be left to go unnoticed, so they agreed to close the restaurant and hold a party for him in the Royal Oak. It wasn’t his thing, he wasn’t a party goer, but it was her father’s choice, he wanted him to feel welcome in town, and particularly in the pub that Sonny was weeks away from managing.

Ethan was dancing around, waiting for Sonny to emerge over breakfast; he had made him a birthday card, drawings of super heroes, one of which was Sonny, Ethan the sidekick. Hero worship at its greatest.

He was normally an early riser; she’d never met someone who needed so little sleep. But today, typically he was a no show, and Ethan was devastated as the minutes until school ticked by.

                “Finish your breakfast, he’ll be here any minute,” Martha promised, thought she had no idea whether he would.

At that moment, her father appeared from the utility room, he’d been out with Eamonn on their usual early morning duties, and he was laughing rather loudly, and she felt time stand still as she realised why, coming into the kitchen with him was Sonny, in his joggers and a t-shirt, looking ready for a run, and he was holding the hand of Jade, and she was so obviously wearing last night’s clothes as she giggled with her father.

Carl looked up and smiled, “enough coffee for these two reprobates? Jade here was only about to sneak off.”

Ethan threw himself into the melee with a shout of “Happy Birthday Sonny.”

As Sonny stooped to hug him his eyes met hers, and she had to look away. Taking a deep breath she turned back to the coffee pot.

                Don’t let him know he’s hurting you she told herself repeatedly as she offered the mug to Jade with a smile. But he was.