Trying Not to Love You - Part Sixty Nine

Chapter Sixty Nine

 

Sonny stood his ground, watching Michael climb out of his car and cross the muddy yard to him.

                “Tell me about her.”

It pleased Sonny that the first sign from him was concern for his mother; he had always hoped that his father, whoever he turned out to be, would remember his mother with affection, love even. That was more important - or maybe it was a distraction from how he’d feel about this.

He looked at him for a moment, as Martha and Ethan reappeared.

                “We’re off to the shop, we’ll be a while. The kettle’s on.”

She smiled at the two men as Ethan waved.

                “She knows?” Michael asked a little surprised.

Sonny nodded, “she knows everything about me.” He spotted the older man flinch at that, and he was glad to inflict a little discomfort on him. “Do you want a coffee?”

Michael nodded, “I need something.” Waving to Derek they both watched the car drive off, then made for the kitchen.

                “So Catherine. Tell me about her?”

Sonny started to fill the mugs with coffee, “the letter explained. She never recovered from you. She wasn’t a great mother, depression and sadness changed her.” He dropped his eyes for a moment, “she died when I was eight.”

                “But it wasn’t good before that.”

Sonny laughed, “it was out of the frying pan into the fire. The care system isn’t the easiest place to survive.”

Michael swiped at his eyes for a moment, “I never knew. She never told me about you.” Sonny gave a little nod, watching his father intently. “I did end things dramatically, but I was told I had to marry Camilla, my wife. It wasn’t my choice, and it came out of the blue. You may be angry that I just left your mother...but that was how it had to be. It was a different time then.”

                “So you believe me?”

Michael sighed, looking at the photo still clutched in his fingers. “I loved her,” he lifted the image, not really acknowledging his question. “More than anything. Camilla was an old flame, I’d left home got away from my family and Camilla had been part of that past. In London I had freedom, working, living, shedding the responsibility of my upbringing. But she turned up one day, Scott in her arms. I knew he was mine; it was obvious from day one. And I had to do the right thing, I was a coward.” He dropped his head, “but Catherine, she was so vibrant, so confident. I had no idea that she’d fall apart.”

Sonny had moved to the far corner of the kitchen, whilst this man was obviously grief stricken, he himself couldn’t ignore the feelings that this confession was causing. His poor mother. All his life he’d resented her, resented that she’d failed him, that she’d allowed depression and alcohol to dominate her life, that he’d been second place, unloved, unfed and unwanted. AS Michael confessed to doing wrong by his mother he fought the desire to hit him, to share the hurt that his desertion had caused.  Instead Sonny turned and left the room, escaping out of the utility room. He couldn’t breathe until he hit the cold fresh air of the yard. Pain almost blinding his eyes. This wasn’t the reaction he wanted, he had imagined being the picture of cold calculated calmness as his father explained himself, instead he was engulfed with unwanted yet familiar emotions, feelings that had bubbled under the surface all his life.

Hearing a noise he looked up to see Michael emerge from the backdoor and walk towards him.

                “This was never going to be easy Sonny.”

Lifting his chin, meeting the gaze from his father, he sighed, “nothing in life ever is.”

                “I’m sorry for whatever my role in this was. I...” He wiped at his eyes, a gesture Sonny was already beginning to recognise as a sign of him being stressed.

                “Sorry doesn’t come close though, does it? “ Sonny started to pace, “you abandoned my mother, broke her, you never bothered to check how she was...”

Michael shook his head, “I had no idea she was pregnant, that you even existed.”

                “And if she had told you? Would you have stuck by her?”

He had the decency to look embarrassed at that, “probably not, I had to marry Camilla...but I wouldn’t have abandoned you Sonny. I’d have always recognised you, looked after you.”

Suddenly Sonny realised why his mother had never told Michael that he existed, “that would have been amazing for my mother, hey? You only caring about a bastard child, not the woman who bore him. No wonder she didn’t tell you.”

                “I get that I’m in a no win here, I did the wrong thing, I was young, I had family responsibility weighing down on me, maybe now in this more liberal age I’d have done things differently. This is hard for me to deal with too you know.”

                “Hard? You don’t know the meaning of the word, because I can assure you not knowing where your next meal is coming from is hard, as is trying to wake your dead mother when you come home from school at eight to find her un-wakeable. Hard is eight years in care. Hard is me, MY life, so forgive me if I have no sympathy for your gilded cage clattering around you.”

Michael sighed, “I can’t apologise, I can’t undo things, but can we try and work this out, try to salvage something?”

Sonny shrugged, his dreams had seen a faceless man standing with open arms, welcoming him unconditionally into his world, and him slotting in like he’d never been away. But those were the fantasies of the little vulnerable boy in him, and were as unrealistic as expecting the man in front of him to know what to do.

                “I want that.” Sonny’s voice was quiet, “it’s what I’ve always wanted.”

Michael extended a hand, “we can only take small steps, hey?”

Sonny nodded and accepted both the sentiment and the hand.

                “Thought that maybe something special was in order!”

They both looked up to see Martha coming towards them, a bottle of champagne in one hand, Ethan’s hand in her other. Ethan skipped over to the two men and was immediately torn as to which one he wanted to speak tom be fussed by, so instead he offered them a hand each.

                “I want to play ‘Guess Who’, will you play with me?”

When he looked up at them both adoringly, they laughed. As they made for the house, Sonny turned to Martha and mouthed, ‘thank you’, for what exactly he didn’t know, but he owed her everything, he knew that.

They were all sat at the kitchen table drinking the champagne, Michael and Ethan teamed up against Sonny playing Ethan’s favourite board game when the back door opened and Carl sauntered in.

Immediately he was defensive, “what are you doing here?” He glared at first Michael, and then Martha who was making dinner.

                “We’ve all got to get along Dad, ok?”

He stared at Michael again, “you stopped your ridiculous claims then?”

Michael sighed, “I was wrong Carl, ok? I lost my son...I don’t want to lose Ethan too.”

                “Threatening them was wrong.”

He nodded, “I know that, and I’ve apologised.”

No one mentioned the newly identified relationship, it was Sonny’s news to tell, not Martha’s and even Michael. A silence hit the room and everyone was aware of it. But still Sonny kept his head down.

                “Has he got glasses?” Ethan’s voice cut through the room and all the adults chuckled at his complete disregard for the tension that had been so palpable.

                “NO!” Sonny answered, and that led to Ethan flipping down half a dozen of the characters on his board.

Carl gave an awkward smile then left the room, and it was then that Sonny stood, “I’m going to go and talk to him.”

In his absence Michael looked at Martha, “I am sorry. I don’t know what came over me; I’ve not been right since Scott...” He shook his head.

                “Sonny isn’t Scott.”

He nodded, “I know that. I don’t know how I feel about all this, but I owe that man a lot. I can tell that.”

                “He might be adult, independent, but he’s had a hard time, inside he’s got a fragile vulnerability, he never had family, anyone to love for him, something we all take for granted, all his life he’s been alone. If you don’t want to do this, be part of him, then leave now. He won’t take this level of rejection Michael, he needs stability, to build, and you are about to break down all his defences.”

He sighed, “you really love him don’t you.”

She shook her head firmly, Sonny was Ethan’s uncle, they needed each other in their lives, she wasn’t going to allow things to become complicated by reigniting something between them, she was adamant about that, “I care about him, but no more than that, our relationship is over, the past, but I won’t see you hurt him.”

Sonny about to re-enter the kitchen heard that, the denial that she loved him and the definite declaration that they’d never be lovers again and pain lanced through him. It was a day for emotional rollercoasters, and this was yet another surge down into depressive hell. When would life become easier? As he stood there coping with the words, he took a deep breath, the only way he could deal with things was to steel himself against the pain, a pain that only Martha was capable of causing.

                “So are you going to ask Michael to come here for Christmas?”

Martha was in the kitchen and shouted through to Sonny who was ironing a shirt in the utility room. A week had passed since he'd told Michael the truth and though things were tentative; they’d seen each other a few times and got along so far. They were both wary of the other, understandably so, but at least they were heading in the right direction.

Coming into the kitchen, bare-chested, he slid his arms into the sleeves of the pressed shirt and stood in front of Martha. She tried to avert her eyes; she wasn’t ready to stare at that delicious body, the smooth muscular chest that still haunted her dreams.

                “It’s just another day...”

She shook her head, “it’s not. Ethan would like him here, but I’m not about to invite him if you don’t want.” He looked nonplussed for a moment so she added, “it’s the right thing to do, and you have to make the effort here.”

HE shrugged, “ok then, I’ll ask him. But this is your idea.”

Martha sighed, “bloody hell man, what is it with you? Invite your father for Christmas dinner.”

He’d finished buttoning his shirt and was sliding his arms into his suit jacket. As always he wore it so well, he looked amazing and she was jealous for a moment of him going out and enjoying himself.

Sunday meant the restaurant was closed. Martha had spent the day preparing for Christmas Day...it was only four days away and she had a lot to do. Sonny on the other hand had fallen asleep on the sofa after breakfast and then watched the football on TV with Ethan. Her father hadn’t done much more. Typical men. Only Lucy thought to help her out with anything Christmas related.

He finger combed his hair in the small mirror on the back of the door, a ridiculous act when his hair was so short, and she had a feeling it was a deliberate show to rub in the fact that he was going out...and she wasn't.

                “So where are you going?” She finally succumbed, knowing that he was waiting for her enquiry.

He turned to her and smiled, “there’s a Christmas party in the Golf Club in Northbury, there’s a loads of people going, I’m taking Jade.”

She swallowed the barb of pain that those words caused, she’d pushed him into the relationship, encouraged him to move on, but that didn’t mean she liked it.

                “Have fun,” she offered with a smile.

He stared at her for a long moment, then gave a little nod. “I will and I’ll call Michael too.”