What about you? - 25

Chapter 25

Kate knew she was depressed, she talked to Mason every day, sometimes several times, and those conversations were the only things that seemed to lift the dark cloud that hung over her. She saw the New Year in sat curled under a blanket on her sofa, alone except for the phone calls that punctuated the evening.

Mike and Steve were in the middle of their leaving celebrations, work parties, family parties, friend parties, Tilly had the wedding plans. Kate didn’t feel anyone understood her predicament, she wasn’t sure she understood it herself.

A week after saying goodbye to Mason at Heathrow, she came home from work, anticipating an empty house, only to find her best friend sat waiting for her.

Kate was wrong-footed for a few moments, but then she saw the determined look on her face. “What’s going on Tilly? I thought you were busy tonight?”

She was immediately defensive and the Tilly looked concerned, “Kate! I’m worried about you. Since Christmas...”

Kate shook her head, “first it’s a problem that I spend all my time with Peter, now it’s a problem that I don’t?” She knew she was over defensive but she didn’t care.

Tilly sighed, “It’s not a problem! I’m not trying to be judgemental...but I honestly thought that being free of that obligation, and Mason...well I thought that might make you happy finally, but it hasn’t, has it?”

Kate paced the room, “it’s all so perfect in your World Tilly isn’t it? Everything goes well for you! ALL the time!”

It was the first time that Tilly really saw how upset, unsettled and how low Kate really was, and she knew she’d never seen her like this. Suddenly she wondered if this blunt approach was the right one, but she’d spoken to Mason last night, and if she didn’t talk to her today...it would all look a hell of a lot worse than it actually was.

“Kate! Please...” Tilly stood and reached for her hands, “I don’t want to argue with you, you’re my best friend, but I can’t see you this sad!”

Kate instead of shouting as Tilly almost envisaged, collapsed on to the sofa and buried her head in her hands.  Tilly sat beside her and laid a hand on her hunched spine, waiting for her to move, to say something.

Eventually she looked up at Tilly from a tear streaked face, “I thought this would be easier. I thought that not having to do everything...for everyone...I thought it’d be a relief.”

Tilly was floored, and could only sit there in silence as Kate carried on from a mess of snot and tears, “but it’s not. I don’t know what to do with myself. I lie awake at night worrying, panicking, I can’t concentrate at work...I don’t know what to do anymore!”

All her friend could do was hold her and comfort her as she tried to control her breathing. For Kate her world was crashing in and she had no idea why, or how to change it. She wanted Tilly to tell her how to make things right, but knew that was unfair. Finally she could breathe, start to rationalise.

                “Why am I like this Tilly? I should be happy, enjoying myself.”

Tilly sighed, stroking Kate’s cheek with affection, “yes you should. I’m no psychologist love, but you’ve have a ton of misplaced guilt for far too long, you’re hardly used to just thinking of yourself. Are you?”

Kate shrugged, unable to answer, so Tilly continued, “I don’t think that you need to rely on Mason here, you need to make the break for you, your own needs. But...it’s new love, excitement, and you’ve lost so much of the effort and commitments from your life and suddenly have nothing to fill not just your time, but your mind too. It’s no wonder you feel so lost.”

Kate tried to smile, “that’s exactly how I feel...lost! You should re-think the psychologist thing maybe!”

Tilly sat back in the chair, “I don’t know about that. All I know is guilt has taken time and effort, now that’s changed, then there are a lot of holes to fill.”

                “I want to go and see him, Peter. It’s kind of ingrained in me...I found myself outside his residential home a couple of times after work. It’s not his fault, none of this. Is it? He was just being him, me and his mother fall out, and suddenly he’s alone again...”

Kate could see the anger in Tilly’s eyes before she heard it in her voice, “and it’s not YOUR fault, none of this. I don’t care how we get through this, but sliding back into that routine isn’t the way. I’ll fight that however I can.” She was contemplative for a few moments and Kate took a moment to think about all she’d said.

Could it be true that the void being at Peter’s beck and call was driving her insane? It seemed a viable idea, she’d worried that it was her anger at Mason for escaping all this that was fuelling her anger, devastation and depression. At least Tilly’s theory was a little more palatable. She tried to think back, but could barely remember a time when she wasn’t totally controlled by being there for Peter.

                “Why don’t you go away?” Tilly offered. “If not to Dubai...cos that is SO where I would be heading, then what about your mother? You promised your brother you’d visit. You could go away with your mother even.”

Smiling Kate shook her head, “we’re heading to Cyprus in a few weeks for a certain wedding. So I have neither the holiday time nor the finances for another trip!”

Tilly’s jaw dropped, staring at her friend, “you haven’t had a holiday in I don’t know how long...years, then there’s this place! You earn good money yet live in this shithole! Come on Kate, you can bullshit yourself as much as you like, but I cannot believe a word of that!”

They were heading to a confrontation that Kate had avoided for years, she’d missed so many holidays, so many trips, and it was true, they lived in a really rundown home, in a crap part of London.

                “I’m not bullshitting Tilly. That’s the way of the world. I’m skint; I’ve no holidays other than for your wedding. That’s it!”

Tilly shook her head, “you NEVER have a day off! You work long hours...no one does that. This is just you hiding behind the next layer of excuses. Come on Kate. Stop all this now! Please! You HAVE to do something to change this!”

Kate sighed; Tilly had spent so much of the last few years supporting her, counselling her, going above and beyond all that was expected from a friend. She owed her the truth, finally, everything.

                “I pay half of Peter’s accommodation fees. I work my holidays freelance to get more cash.”

                “WHAT!?” Tilly couldn’t have been more shocked if Kate had sprouted wings and flown around the room. “You are kidding me? The old posh Wightman’s are taking your guilt money?”

Sighing again, Kate ran her fingers through her hair, “when peter’s father died he left debt...lots of it. And the Brentfort is so specialist, has such a great reputation...”

Tilly was shaking her head, “let me get this right! You not only gave him your time, your life, your youth...but you also gave the bastard your money? And that’s how she speaks to you? How she treats you? Jesus Christ Kate, you are such a bloody fool, a gullible fool!”

It was a fair comment, even though she had justifications for all that she’d done, she knew that Tilly was right, she’d been a fool, a mug, but she was seeing things straighter now. “Stop! It wasn’t like that Tilly. It wasn’t me being exploited, not really. I knew the only way I’d get free of this was for him to get better. Plus I wanted the best for Peter. I owed him that much.”

                “Because he drove whilst drunk, all because you didn’t want to be with him anymore. If he wasn’t so regressed in such a shit place I’d hit him!”

Kate reached for her hand, “you say that a lot. But honestly I have been equally as responsible for all that’s happened since the accident. That’s why I found it so hard to walk away. Tilly, please. You’re my best friend, and I love you so much. Even tonight you’ve helped me see the reason in all this. I’m starting to see sense again...”

She nodded, trying to break into a smile, “have you thought about a counsellor? I really think you should talk to someone professional!”

Kate nodded, “I can’t afford it at the moment...” she raised a hand when she sensed Tilly protest, she didn’t want handouts. “But I will. I promise. Let’s just sort your wedding out first. Once we’ve enjoyed that I promise I’ll get help. Proper help.”

                “As oppose to this self help version?”

Kate pulled Tilly into a hug, “you are the best friend a girl could ask for. I’m feeling a million times better already. Thanks to you!”

The evening descended into chaos once the wine was opened and the takeaway delivered, but next morning as Kate headed to work, she had a bounce in her step and a smile on her face for the first time in ages. Her biggest fear was that she resented Mason, or even worse, couldn’t function without him. Now she realised that it was more a case of her having to come to terms with the changes in her life, readjust her priorities. And Tilly and her wedding were top of the list.

                “I can’t come over, not yet. I REALLY want to...” Mason called most days, but in the three days since Kate’s heart to heart with Tilly, they’d been playing answer phone tag. Never speaking to each other in the flesh. When her phone had rung at six am one morning, Kate had snatched up the handset eagerly, then flopped back against the pillows to hear his voice.

She liked the fact that he was desperate to see her, but now was not the time for grand gestures.

                “Look I’ve got Tilly’s wedding in a few weeks, there’s lots to organise. Can we arrange something afterwards maybe?”

He groaned, “I worry about you there, alone, there’s so much for you to deal with.”

She was instantly on edge; there was something familiar about his words, “what do you mean?” She tried not to sound edgy.

                “Well it’s been all change for you sweetheart, I worry about you dealing with it all. I wish I was there to share the load.”

Kate closed her eyes, “have you been talking to my best friend?”

The silence before he spoke was just a few seconds too long, “I’m not stupid, I know how hard it must be for you...”

                “Did you speak to Tilly about me?” her voice was serious and firm.

His squirming was palpable as he tried to decide how to answer her question, “why does this feel like you’re sneaking around behind my back checking up on me Mason? If you have any questions ask me! Don’t sneak behind my back and quiz my friends.”

Mason groaned, “Kate don’t do this again! Tilly called me, she’s worried, I’m worried, this has been hard on you, for some reason you insist of shouldering everyone else’s responsibility, you pit yourself bottom of the list. I want you to know I’m here for you, but other than pleasantries, the weather, you tell me nothing. I can’t get through to you over the phone, so when she phoned I was more than glad to liaise with her.”

                “What do you want to know? What am I not telling you Mason? What answers have you got from my best friend in such a conspiratorial way?”

                “Can we not do this by phone? I’ll come over; we need to clear the air...”

Kate was furious and the last thing she wanted at this moment in time was him turning up. “We can talk after the wedding. Please respect the fact that I’m busy.”

                “Is that it? Is that all I get, that you’ll speak to me in four weeks?”

Pinching the bridge of her nose to stop tears falling, she sighed, “yes. This is Tilly’s wedding...”

                “Yet another bloody friend to hide behind,” he was raising his voice with every word, “another person to feel guilt and obligation towards. What is wrong with you Kate? You give everyone everything, except me. The man who loves you. I get afterthought phone calls and snappy comments. You can try to push me away as much as you like, but this isn’t over Kate, by no means is it over!”

With that he hung up, leaving her reeling at his words.

‘The man who loves you’, the phrase echoed in her mind all that day, each time she called to apologise she got Mason’s answer phone, and despite being tempted to leave a reply, to tell him how she felt, she bottled it. Because how did she feel? Love. It was such a huge word, how could four letters terrify someone so much. As the hours passed things seemed to become more clear. She was scared of getting close to Mason, scared of him depending on her as much as Peter had. Kate knew she had nothing left to give, not to that level.

So she’d lost the reliable, the expected, the safer option of Peter, and now? Now she had to face a more terrifying situation. Mason, wanting her and loving her, and expecting that love back.

By the end of the day, she’d decided two things. Firstly she needed to speak to Clarissa, clear the air. She’d never intended on severing ties so severely, and she also felt she’d been harshly judged. She needed to clear up that situation before she could begin to look to the future. Secondly she had to beg, steal and borrow both money and time off to get to Dubai. She wasn’t sure that she could be what Mason wanted, but she knew she had to try, had to clear the air with him.