Trying Not to Love You - Part Seventy Seven

Chapter Seventy Seven

Martha was shaking as she climbed the stairs away from the debacle that was her life. Had she honestly thought he’d be pleased to see her? Yes was the answer. Had she expected Jade to be there? No. She could hear Ethan’s voice echoing from the kitchen and she gave herself a moment to regain her composure. She was a fool to think that nothing would have changed in the time that she was away, or that Sonny wouldn’t be hurt. Now that everything was so clear it had all seemed so easy. But he loved her; he told her that just two weeks earlier, you don’t fall out of love in that time. She WOULD make him see that they were meant to be, because she hadn’t gone through eleven months of hell to lose him at this final stage. And he was what she wanted, if she doubted it the two weeks without him had proved it, she needed him like oxygen. Wasn’t part of the fun the chasing? She had to make herself a plan...amongst everything else she had to do, she liked nothing more than a challenge.

Pasting on her best and most hopeful smile, she entered the kitchen were Lucy was sat and looked up with a smile. The two women embraced as Ethan opened the cupboard looking for goodies.

                “I’m so glad you’re back.”

Martha smiled, she was thinking on her feet, she’d honestly believed her and Lucy may have been able to stay at the pub, now that wasn’t an option. She sighed, that left her original plan - the flat above the restaurant. It meant she’d have to speak to her father, but that was always going to have to happen, Ethan was desperate to see those damn chickens.

                “Glad to be back. I’m going to move us about the restaurant, are you still with me?”

Lucy nodded, “I’, not ready to look either of them in the face.”

Martha smiled, “will you stay here until I get keys off my father?”

Martha was trying to rack her brains to work out how the hell she was going to manage to pay for things, the whole time she’d run the restaurant she hadn’t claimed a proper salary, but had used the restaurant profits to run the house. Now that her father had sold the lease on it she had no official source of income.

                “Of course. Is Ethan staying?”

She glanced down at him, he’d found some biscuits and was proceeding to eat them. She didn’t want him to witness this confrontation so she nodded, “that would be great. I won’t be long. I think the flat is empty, I’ve some stuff in storage, but I can get it up here soon.”

                “Have a coffee before you go.”

Grabbing a mug she half filled it, “a quick one.”

Lucy smiled, “tell me about your trip.”

She lowered herself into a seat at the table, “it was JUST what we needed. Wasn’t it mate?”

Sonny tried to control his racing heart, he had no idea how it would be when he finally faced Martha, and he was glad to see her, he knew that. But he was angry too.

He looked at Jade who’d wandered down through from his home upstairs through the bar to the cellar in just a towel.

                “What are you doing wandering around in just a towel?”He was angry with her for being there, for spoiling his chance to tell and show Martha how angry he was.

                “I came out of the shower and that boy was there.”

                “His name is Ethan.”

She rolled her eyes, “but he just walked in, I mean this is your home!”

He shook his head, “get two things straight, that boy IS my family, he’s my nephew, and even if he wasn’t, I lived with that family for a long time, they are welcome here ANY time.”

She stepped back, “does that mean I’m not?”

HE scowled, “you’re here aren’t you? Just don’t interfere with my business, that’s nothing to do with you, ok? And get some clothes on.”

It wasn’t her fault, but she had pushed him on to the back foot, and he could barely contain his frustration, without her being there barely dressed.

Leaving the cellar he closed the back door and headed upstairs.

He could hear voices in the kitchen as he approached, Martha talking about the sun and the beaches. Taking a deep breath he entered the room. Ethan looked up and saw him instantly.

                “Sonny!” He flew across the room and Ethan stooped to scoop him into a hug.

                “You ok Champ?”

Sonny was glad of the distraction of the youngster for a moment.

                “Yep! I’ve been on holiday. We were on the beach. You HAVE to see me swimming!”

Sonny grinned, “sounds like great fun.”

When he placed Ethan back on the floor, both pairs of female eyes were on him.

                “I shouldn’t have shouted at you.” He offered, “but you disappeared, I was worried...and angry.”

Martha gave him what seemed to be a knowing smile, “you hardly shouted, and well you’re the King of disappearing, I’m surprised you were that concerned.”

Turning to Lucy she gave a beaming smile, “I won’t be long, Ethan - be good. Ok?”

Then she flounced out of the room leaving Sonny feeling as though he needed to punch a wall. 

Martha stopped Herman in the yard, there wasn’t much sign of life in the house, and suddenly she was wondering what she was about to walk into. Last time she’d been here she’d heard the unthinkable, before that she’d see the unbelievable.

She knocked the door with a laugh, she hadn’t knocked the door in her twenty eight years, and there was no answer. So she opened it, walked in. She’d not made it to the lounge when her father appeared, he was pale, almost deathly so, and gaunt looking.

                “Martha,” he sighed. “You’re back?”

She shrugged, she couldn’t pity him, not yet, “I’m back in town. I’m not ready for anything more than that...” She gave an awkward smile, “I want to stay at the restaurant. I presume the flat there’s still empty.”

He nodded, “it’s not that nice though, no one’s been in it for ages.”

She shrugged, “I can paint it, clean it, that’s not a problem. I’ve never shirked hard work.”

                “This is your home...I’m sorry.”

Shaking her head Martha looked at him, “we need to talk, I know that, but I’m not ready. I need to sort my life out. I can’t be put in a position where you can pull the rug from under me so easily, I’ve always been independent, worked, been self sufficient, and then you threw it all up in the air. I can’t even begin to think about the rest of it, it’s abhorrent, if I think about it I won’t sleep, won’t function. I love you Dad, but I’m not ready to talk to you. Ok?”

He nodded sadly, “but you will be?”

Giving a sad shrug, she said, “I hope so. You don’t look great.”

He sighed, “I missed you, hate everything...”

Martha ignored the pain she felt at his sadness, “where’s she?”

Her father groaned, “she HAS been looking after me, but she had a meeting in London. She’ll be back this evening.”

                “Ok. I’ll send Ethan around later. He’s missed you...and I need the time to get on with things.”

He moved across to the sideboard and found a set of keys, “the door to the street is stiff, give it a shove. Ok?”

She nodded then took the keys, never more glad that her father hadn’t completely sold the restaurant.

Her optimism didn’t last long. The flat was a mess. On the plus side it had three bedrooms - two large and a very small one, which meant that she wouldn’t have to share with Ethan. But the kitchen was disgusting, dusty, dirty and very unloved. The lounge was filled with junk, filing cabinets, broken furniture and the like. Before she returned to the pub she got out her phone. It was Saturday lunchtime; she had time to get on the case.

Before returning to the pub she’d hired a skip, it was being delivered at any time, ordered some paint so that she could freshen up the bedrooms, then called Mike in London to arrange for her furniture and belongings to be delivered two days later. It didn’t leave much time, and she had to work hard, but she wasn’t scared of that. Ethan had two grandparents and an uncle, they’d have to step up and help out with him whilst she decorated and made a home.

Once she had a stable home she could relax and concentrate on making Sonny realise that they were meant to be together. But her home was her priority.

The bar was busy, but then a Saturday afternoon with a London football derby on the TV was always going to be hectic. Most people looked at her and smiled, but it was Paul behind the bar who made the greatest fuss.

Martha gave him a brief hug then asked about Sonny.

                “He’s upstairs with Ethan, Lucy had to go out and he's babysitting I understand?”

She nodded, “Ethan would love to see the kids, he’s missed them.”

                “Bring him over tomorrow? I’m not working.”

                “Can’t. I’m moving into the flat above the restaurant, and it needs SERIOUS work. That’s my weekend.”

He nodded, as usual not asking the questions she imagined were utmost in his mind, “well if you need some help I’m great with a paint brush, or I can have Ethan.”

She smiled as she let herself behind the bar, “thanks. I’m just going upstairs...”

Sonny was sat on the threadbare sofa, Ethan on his knee and they were watching a film, Monsters University she could see as she got closer.

                “Thanks for helping out.”

Both looked up at her voice, and Sonny slipped out from under Ethan, “I just need to talk to your mother, ok?”

Ethan slumped back against the sofa, reaching for a handful of popcorn from the bowl she hadn’t spotted without even looking up. She marched into the kitchen and was waiting for him there. With a smile.

                “Martha...”

She kept the smile, “Carter. I can’t put Lucy up at the flat tonight. It’s a tip. Ethan going to spend the rest of the day with my father...” she stumbled over the word, then rediscovered her smile, “then I’m going to start on the flat. It’ll take me as long as I have.”

                “I can help.” He offered.

                “Don’t think that Jade would like that.”

He groaned and rolled his eyes, “don’t do this Martha. You made your choices, I made mine.”

She laughed, “I did make my choices, but when I wasn’t seeing things as they are.”

                “What do you mean?”

Her laugh was louder this time, “exactly that. I made my decisions based on what matters to everyone else. Not me...or you, us.”

                “There is no us, I’m with Jade, I’ve made my choice, and I’ve chosen her. She’s what I want.”

Martha stepped towards him, “who are you convincing here? Cos I think he doth protest too much, to quote the bard.”

Through gritted teeth he snarled, “I don’t! I know what I want.”

Walking towards him she gave her most sultry smile, “and I know what I want...YOU.” She placed a finger on his chest. When he stepped back, anxious, terrified, she added, “and it’ll happen. I’ve got to sort some things out, and you’ve got to appreciate how wrong for you Jade is. But I’ll be waiting, and I’m VERY patient.” With another dazzling smile, she made for the door, then looked back at him, “it may take a while, for everything to conspire to let us finally be together, but it’ll give me time to plan exactly what I want to do...and you to wonder what that will be...like a promising yet agonising foreplay!”

Trying Not to Love You - Part Seventy Six

Chapter Seventy Six

Martha laughed as Ethan fell in the shallow surf. He was chasing Evie through the gentle waves and they kept tripping and splashing each other. It made her so happy to see him having so much fun. She was staying with Jack and Mike, but she had the “granny flat” in their villa, so she had time and space to herself, which at night was helpful as she didn’t sleep, so she could watch TV into the early hours, or pace the room, make hot milk...all the things she hoped would encourage sleep.

Ethan on the contrary was relaxed, happy and glowing. He loved the sun, the sea, the pool, the beach, it was one big dream come true to him. She’d brought Evie with them to the beach as the two men had things to do, Mike was buying more property out there and was organising something in the capital. So it left her to look out and watch the endless sea meeting the endless sky. Considering it being January she’d been told this was exceptionally good weather, and they were all making the most of it.

Home, the farm, her family and Sonny were problems in hundreds of miles away, but whilst she’d got physical distance from them, emotionally was a different matter. Her mind constantly churned from her father and Stephanie, her mother, and of course Sonny. All she wanted was calm, serenity, peace...for one night.

                “I can’t believe you’ve FINALLY brought me out for dinner!”

Sonny looked up from his menu and smiled at Jade. He’d given in to her demands to go on a date. He still want’ sure that this was the right thing, but since he’d turned up on her doorstep the previous week he’d felt calmer, managed to sleep, started to function again. She seemed to keep his demons at bay, and that helped him more than most things.

Not that he didn’t think of Martha. He’d brought Jade to Northbury to an Indian restaurant because he’d taken Martha to the one more local. He couldn’t bring himself to revisit there with Jade.

                “I just want some dry chicken...and maybe some of your rice?”

Her words dragged him from his daydreams, “what?”

She laughed, “aren’t you listening to me?” When he shrugged she rolled her eyes, “I said it’s all so rich and calorific, I might just get some dry chicken...and steal a bit of rice.”

He was getting used to Jade’s food control issues, her body seemed to mean a lot to her and he rarely saw her eat much. Unlike Martha...damn, she was there again, smiling as she ordered half the menu then tucking into with fervour. But she’s not here! That was what he had to remind himself.

                “Have whatever you want. I’ll get some beer, you want that?”
She shook her head, “vodka tonic.”

With a nod he signalled the waiter and ordered for them both.

As they got back to the pub, they entered the bar. It wasn’t busy and Paul was comfortable and confident stood there in control. Sonny gave him a “thank you” wave, then cut through the bar, and upstairs. The place was empty and he opened a bottle of wine.

                “Can’t believe you’ve got that old bag staying with you. Talk about cramping our style.” As she ran her fingers down his chest in what she obviously felt was a seductive manner. He shook his head, “she’s not an old bag, Lucy’s a top lady, and don’t forget it. She’s staying here because I want her to.”

He turned away hating that he was so defensive. Then he felt Jade’s hands encircle his arms, her cheek resting on his shoulder blade, “sorry, it’s just that whole family makes me jealous. You lived with them...with her,” she spat the word out almost vindictively and he had to swallow his retort.

Turning slowly he stared at her, all wide eyed and anxious, the cocky over confident girl was definitely a transient thing. “Well I’m with you, I’ve made my choice, seems that you along with the rest of town have got to get used to that.”

She gave a beaming smiled at that, sliding her hands under his t-shirt as she did.   

                “So what are you plans?”

It had taken over a week to be able to tell Jack exactly what had happened, and it was a hell of a story.  But before they knew both he and Mike had been amazing, supporting her in every way, without expecting or demanding anything back. But she’d cooked them both dinner a couple of nights before she planned to leave for home, and over grilled fish and salad she told them all that had happened before she left.

                “Because as far as I see,” Jack continued, “there are two very different problems here. Your father...and your man.”

She couldn’t help the little smile that the thought of Sonny still brought, but then she thought back to her father, Steph, her mother and that smile disappeared.  “You’re right. I don’t know what to think of my father.”

He nodded, “it’s tricky. I mean he’s told lies to you for years, but then, he’s not a bad man, maybe there’s more to it than you know? You’re not someone to make rash decisions, are you?”

She sipped at her wine, “I honestly don’t know. I just feel like the rug has been pulled from under my feet and I have no idea how to keep functioning, the thought of talking to him scares me, REALLY scares me. I don’t know how to deal with it, and I find it really daunting.”

Mike placed an arm around her shoulder, “but it’s not going to go away.”

                “And it would be better and much easier to manage with a devoted man on your arm supporting you,” Jack added.

Martha sighed, dropping back into her chair, “it’s so complicated.”

Jack laughed, “life, and more importantly love IS. Worthwhile things are worth fighting for, and love is a compromise.”

                “I can’t give him children Jack; he’s desperate for family, desperate for a future.”

Mike leaned forward, “and you aren’t that? A future?”

                “He has huge issues with his father, being a father is everything to him.”

Jack sighed, “I think the guy is just unloved, and he’s found that with you. If he loves you the kids are optional, an extra. Plus he’s got Ethan - a step son AND nephew in one. He’s got the lot with you Martha, and if he wants you then don’t think about the ifs and buts. Otherwise you have to start looking at yourself, is it you that’s scared to commit?”

She contemplated that for a moment, “what do you mean?”

Mike sighed, “you picked Ethan’s dad, he was a bastard, you didn’t find out until you were sucked in, engaged. Maybe you’re a little bit nervous about losing your heart to him again?”

They were so honest that she couldn’t feel offended, “when did you get so into feelings?”

Jack laughed, “it’s a gay thing. And nice subject change.”

When she smiled he added, “if the thought of him makes you blush, then I think you’re crazy not to at least speak to him, see where it goes.”

She sat back and looked at them both sitting there, neither had a point to prove or wanted to hurt her, they spoke genuinely and honestly. Were they right? Was she blocking this? Was she looking for excuses to protect her own heart? It was hardly a better option, her heart pained every minute of every day that she was without him, and her pain was nearly all down to him, to missing Sonny, to not having him in her life.

Turning to the two men she smiled, “I think I need to go home.”

Lucy had drunk too much sherry sat at the bar and had started to snap at Jade. That spelled danger. He had barely kept the two women separate, let alone stopped them sniping at each other. Now as he watched Jade get ruffled by comments from the older woman he hid a smile, Lucy was crazy, he’d enjoyed her staying with him the last ten days. She was no better at cooking than him, and she left her shoes, bags and coats all over the place.

But she kept herself to herself when the time was right, but loved to gossip over a cup of tea or like tonight a few glasses of sherry, and she was both astute and knowledgeable, something that wasn’t obvious on first meeting her.

Sonny moved along the bar to stand in front of her, “you behaving Miss?”

She batted her eyelashes in an innocent fashion then gave a tipsy giggle, “some people are a little bit over sensitive.”

He rolled his eyes, “you are trouble madam. Do I have to bar you to upstairs?”

She shook her head, “no, but I’d tell her to learn some manners.”

Smiling he walked away shaking his head, his life was definitely a better place with her in it.

                “She’s a bitch!”

Sonny looked up at Jade and laughed, she was scowling like a child.

                “She’s a seventy five year old woman, have a little respect.” Despite the serious words, he smiled as he said them. And it caused her to scowl again. “Jade, she’s just winding you up...and YOU wind her up too. You just hate it because she gives as good as she gets.”

Like a sullen child she lowered her eyes, but when she looked up she was anything but, “can’t you get rid of her tonight? We could...” She ran her tongue over her lips then looked at him in her most sultry way.

                “So you don’t still want to go to Northbury?”

Earlier in the day she’d begged him to take him to a nightclub to meet friends.

She cocked her head to the side, “you’d rather drink and dance than...um...” She gestured her head upwards in the general direction of his bedroom.

                “You’ve got a one track mind young lady.”

She laughed, “you are VERY good, and I just love learning more!”

That made him laugh out loud, “crazy witch.”

Grinning she ran her fingers over her chest provocatively, “crazy for you!”

Much later he sat up in bed, looking at Jade stretched out next to him, fast asleep. He was finally happy, after so many years. He had a home, a business, a family including his father, and a woman who loved him. She’d told him that an hour earlier, at the height of passion he’d heard the words escape her lips. Fortunately the moment didn’t allow for an awkward silence, because he wasn’t about to say the same to her, he was only beginning to understand what love meant, and he knew that whilst he cared for her, he was nowhere near feeling the way he did about Martha.  Move on, because SHE has.

Groaning he slid down the bed and was rewarded with Jade wrapping herself around him, sighing he reciprocated her kiss.

                “Sleeping Beauty not surfaced yet?”

Sonny groaned as he entered the almost arctic kitchen. Lucy was sat at the kitchen table with a mug or tea and a half smoked cigarette, since he’d stopped smoking Sonny wasn’t happy with her smoking in his home, the wide open window was their compromise. Moving to the sink Sonny filled the coffee pot then started it up.

                “Are you going to start where you left off last night?”

Lucy’s eyes twinkled, “she’s wrong for you Sonny and I’ll keep reminding you of that until you give her up.” When he made to protest she held up a hand to silence her, “you may believe that Martha isn’t the answer, but you’re better off alone than with her. You don’t love her.”

                “She’s a nice girl, she loves me, and I do care about her.”

Lucy took a long slow drag on her cigarette then smiled, “and is that enough? For life?”

With a groan of frustration he slammed the counter with his fist, “bloody hell Lucy, sometimes I hate you.”

A banging downstairs told him that the delivery from the brewery had arrived, so he glared at her for a moment before with a shake of the head he headed downstairs.

Several barrels and crates of bottles later and the cellar was almost restocked. He was rolling the barrels into rows when he heard footsteps behind him.

                “No room for anymore in here Steve,” he called over his shoulder, “I think I’ve over ordered as it is.”

                “Is that a fact?”

Sonny froze at that voice, Martha. For a moment his heart burst out of his chest, as he turned to drink in the sight of her, she threw herself into his arms. He held her close inhaling the smell, absorbing the feel of her for those few seconds before reality sunk in. Then he pushed her to arm’s length.

                “I missed you.” She offered with a smile.

Sighing he gave a half smile, “well I wish you’d have called...or something.” He tried desperately to hide how hurt he felt.

As he turned to walk out of the cellar, Jade, dressed in just a towel burst in, “the boy’s turned up...upstairs...”

The two sets of eyes looked up at her and Martha smiled, “Jade, Ethan’s with me. Just called in to say hello.”

And with that she was gone.

Trying Not to Love You - Part Seventy Five

Chapter Seventy Five

Sonny staggered slightly, he’d honestly thought that they’d have the chance to discuss her revelations. Instead she’d gone. He was devastated. Now he had an equally devastated Carl in his bar waiting to see his daughter. 

Coming back down stairs he shook his head at Carl, “sorry mate, she’s gone.”

                “Gone?”
Sonny nodded, “I wish I could help more.”

                “How was she?”

Sighing he shook his head, “not good mate, but then what do you expect.”

                “It’s not what you think; it’s not what she thinks.”

Sonny patted him on the back, “that might be so, but it’s the fact that you’ve lied to her, she had such a hard time over Ethan from you, but that’s nothing compared to this.” AS the older man looked devastated, he added quickly, “I’m not judging you Carl, this is all a mess. I just want to find her, get her back here.”

Ethan was skipping alongside Martha as they walked into the airport.

                “I’m so excited!” He sang to her, and she squeezed his hand. It was the first decent holiday they’d been on, and they were about to fly, for him it was the first time, and his excitement was palpable. With Ethan so cheery it was easier for Martha to forget things for a moment.

When she’d sat trying to contemplate all she’d seen the previous evening, she’d sent a text message to her friend and old boss Jack simply saying, “Help!” Jack was aware that things were precarious, and he was a really good friend, she thought about staying with him or a few days, just to get away. She knew that getting away was maybe not the answer to her problems, but it was definitely essential at the moment.

But Sonny had turned up, and she’d been distracted and inadvertently ignored her phone until she’d got into bed after rushing away from him. It was then she saw a message flashing on her phone.

                “Am in Tenerife at our villa, brought Evie away for a break. Come join us? Mike is home for another week, call him, he’ll do anything you want.”

She hadn’t specified what her crisis was, but he’d come good. That was Jack, she’d barely spoken to him in six months, other than her trip to the zoo before Christmas, yet he’d come through again.  Some time in the sun was just what she needed, it would give her chance to calm down and work out what she wanted. And Ethan could have his first proper holiday.

Ethan had woken her early, and she’d called Mike on the off chance he was awake, Jack’s husband was a city worker, and he rarely seemed to need sleep, and fortunately he was awake.

                “Come down, I’ll organise flights.”

She was determined not to take advantage, “I can do that.”

                “Ok. Anything else?”

She sighed, instantly contradicting her earlier thoughts, “I want to get my things from my godmother’s house she’s not there.”

                “Have you got keys? Or do I need a break-in-and-enterer?” He asked with a chuckle, but complete seriousness.

And just like that the two men took over. She’d dressed Ethan and left the pub, Sonny hadn’t stirred, and that made things easier.

And now they were about to fly off to pastures warmer, and it was the best news. As they strode through the departure lounge, she could feel the wait lifting off her shoulders. She knew that Sonny would be angry that she’d left, but she’d left him a note. This was about her finding herself and letting Ethan have some fun. The last thing she wanted was him to pick up on the tension within the family. All he knew at the moment was that they’d stayed at the pub for the night, and she’d told him that was a treat, the holiday was a second one.

At the bar she ordered a glass of wine and watched as Ethan ran off to the play area where he could run around and climb to his heart’s content. She’d turned her phone when she left the pub; she wasn’t ready to talk to anyone. But before she boarded the plane she called Lucy’s mobile.

                “Martha! Are you ok?”

She smiled at the concern, the recent revelations must have felt torturous to her Aunt, and she could probably do with an ally, she was sad for the first time that she’d run away. She wasn’t the only one hurting here. Then she thought of Sonny’s face as she’d rejected him the previous night, he was hurting on a whole different level.  Suddenly her mood was morose.

                “I’m fine, I’ve got chance to take a holiday. I need that time away. I’m just gutted I’ve left you. Sorry I’ve been so selfish.”

Lucy chuckled, “as always worrying about everyone else. I’m just worried about you; it must’ve come as such a shock.”

                “Understatement. How’s the atmosphere? You coping?”

She gave a grunt, “go stay with Sonny. He’ll have you at the pub.”

                “Don’t know what you’ve done to him Martha, he was here earlier, devastated.”

She sighed, “it won’t work for us, it’s never going to be easy.”

She could hear the emotion in Lucy’s voice, “you’re letting them win love. You will come back?”

                “Of course, I’m just taking a holiday, a couple of weeks in the sun. I need to get Ethan away from all this hell. It’s not fair on him. Will you tell Sonny I called? I can’t talk to him Lucy. Not yet.” Reluctantly she agreed, so Martha added, “promise you’ll go see him, stay with him till I come back. I’ll look after you, it’ll be me and you, we don’t need anyone else. Do we?”

                “Sounds wonderful. Take care of yourself darling, ok? I’m sorry about all this.”

Sonny stormed back into the pub, he was still furious. He’d left a dozen increasingly angry answer phone messages on Martha’s phone, she’d run away, she’d not trusted him. The night before they’d finally been honest with each other.

He slumped on the stairs, head in his hands, he’d spent all night thinking about what he was going to say, and that was that kids didn’t matter. He loved her, he wanted her, and he was happy to take her on regardless. He was looking at life and he wanted to share it with her. Now? Now he was angry that she’d gone. Angry that she’d run away. He felt so helpless. But whatever he thought, when the shit had hit the fan she’d left, he hadn’t been enough.

He had half an hour before he had to open the doors to the paying punters, suddenly the pub was a ball and chain around his neck. With a groan he headed upstairs for a shower. He’d gone straight from the empty bedroom to the farm in the hope that Martha had gone there, but neither Lucy nor Stephanie had seen her.

A shower did nothing to lift his mood. But as he pulled some orange juice from the fridge - the only thing in there, he missed living at the farm; he noticed the message on kitchen table.

                “Need to get away, too much to think about. Don’t hate me. Martha.”

Even that was impersonal.

At least the pub was busy, that made things easier. It seemed everyone wanted a drink on a cold January Sunday afternoon. Paul was starting work for him the following day so he’d called in to run through things. As he was leaving Sonny noticed Lucy sitting on a bar stool. Opening a tomato juice, he placed a Bloody Mary on the counter in front of her.

                “How you doing? Sorry to burst in on you this morning, was I bit aggressive?”

She smiled, “no more than usual!” She sipped the drink then looked up at him,” she called.”

Sonny felt as though the room was spinning, he staggered a little, “what did she say?”

                “She wanted me to tell you she was sorry for running out on you. She’s gone away, getting some sun. She wants Ethan out of this environment.”

He nodded, “is it awful back at the house?”

She shrugged, “it’s been better.”

                “Do you want to move in upstairs? Just till the dust settles...or longer if you like?”

Lucy laughed, “she told me to ask you to let me live here, she knew you’d want that.”

When he looked up at the ceiling she knew it was to hide the emotions coursing through his veins. “When are you two going to get over this?”

He sighed, “she doesn’t want me Luce, it’s always something, a reason why we can’t be together, Ethan, Michael, me, her father. She doesn’t want me, yet she winds up Jade.”

                “That’s because she loves you.”

He closed his eyes for a second, “but not enough to be with me?”

Lucy reached out and squeezed his hand, “life isn’t easy, is it? She’s at her most vulnerable. And you were quick to rush into things with Jade.”

                “Jade likes me, she doesn’t push me away, she wants to spend time with me. I can take that, straight forward, normal...or I can torture myself with a woman who rejects me more often than she wants me. I’ve had a life full of lies, rejection...all I want is a happy life.”

                “Do you love Jade?”

                “I like her, I care about her. She’s fun.”

Lucy nodded knowingly, “she’s safe too. It’s not like you to settle.”

                “Settle for what?”

She smiled, “seconds best...safety.” Then giving a dazzling smile she offered, “I’ll bring a bag around a bit later. If that’s ok?”

                “When are you going to take me out?”

Sonny looked up from the pint glass he was filling and saw Jade smiling, at him. She seemed gifted with bad timing.

                “Stressful day Jade, I’m really struggling.”

She smiled, “well I’m going to cook you dinner tonight. You HAVE to eat.” She slapped a key on the counter, “this is the key to Tina’s, she’s out tonight, I’ll be home alone waiting for you.” With that she turned and slipped out of the pub.

By seven o’clock he’d helped Lucy upstairs and into the spare room, then he’d walked her to her WI meeting at the church hall, needing time away from the pub.

                “So are you taking tonight off?” Lucy asked her arm linked through his.

He shrugged, “working keeps my mind occupied.”

She laughed at that, “if Jade was right for you you’d not need to occupy your mind.”

Stopping in his tracks he turned to stare at Lucy, “I’m trying. I’m trying to do the right thing. He lifted his right hand, on one side I’ve got a woman who wants to cook me a meal, wants to spend time with me, tells me she wants to spend time with me. On the other...” he lifted his left hand, “is Martha, who wants to please everyone, wants to do the right thing, but not by me. I don’t need complicated, I don’t need rejection, so don’t tell me what’s right.”

Lucy placed a hand on his arm, “I won’t tell you what’s right, but I will tell you that love isn’t simple, it’s multifaceted, it’s annoying, it’s frustrating...but for all the hardship, it’s worth it for that surge of pleasure and satisfaction it brings.” She looked wistful for a moment and Sonny wanted to ask her about her love...but she shook her head and the moment passed. “The scandal is that you haven’t known love...so it scares you. Don’t run from it Sonny.”

He shook his head, “I’m not scared. I’m just angry that she pissed off somewhere the moment things got hard. At the end of the day we’re friends, and that’s what she’s rejected. EVERYTHING.”

                “And you’ve never run away? Think long and hard before you make your choice, often there’s a reason why one seems the easier option.”

With that she walked purposefully into the church hall.

Sonny glanced ahead, the road that led to Jade. But turning on his heel he headed back to the pub.

He’d set up his punchbag in the small private yard, and after knocking seven bells out of it he hoped to feel better, but he didn’t. He hated this low place, this place where he wasn’t in control where life was escaping from him like sand through fingers. Lucy told him he was scared, and he was scared of...of himself. Instead he stormed into the house and picked up the phone. He wanted to run and never stop, never let things catch up with him.

                “Martha CALL me. I can’t believe you’d do this to me. I need to talk to you, to know that you’re ok. Call PLEASE.”

He’d never begged for anything in his life, but he was about to beg for her.

When he closed up the pub a few hours later he still hadn’t heard from her. He could hear the sound of Lucy moving around in the spare room, and was glad he wasn’t alone. But when his eyes closed that night the dreams came back, dreams where he was the play toy of people who should be caring for him, people who made him do things he’d known were wrong. Waking in a cold sweat, feeling as though he was about to explode, he jumped out of bed and was marching across town within moments.

As a scowling Jade opened the door, annoyed that he’d stood her up, he dived on her pinning her against the wall, mashing his lips against hers. This was what he needed, to exorcise the memories, dispel the nightmares, and have the chance to prove to himself that he was over his past, that he was a true man, that man he always hoped he’d be.

Trying Not to Love You - Part Seventy Four

Chapter Seventy Four

Martha held up a hand, stopping what had rapidly become a slanging match, almost unidentifiable insults being traded at a rate of knots.

                “Will you all stop? Bloody hell.”

She turned to her father, “I deserve to hear whatever is going on from you.”

Carl had the decency to look both speechless and embarrassed, “I...”

Lucy reached for her arm and Martha turned to look at her Aunt, “what happened?”
Martha dreaded the answers, she already had some of her own ideas as to what happened, and it was making her feel sick.

Lucy sighed, “these two had an affair. Before your mother died.”

Carl’s head dropped and even Stephanie had that smirk swiped from her face. “My poor sister trusted these two more than anything, and that’s how she was repaid.”

                “It wasn’t like that,” her father said.

Lucy shook her head and when Martha looked at her she saw tears in her eyes, “she was pregnant. She needed your help to deal with things, and you two were too busy screwing each other. And that breaks my heart. She was a good woman...”

Martha was gasping, she’d imagined an affair, but so close to her mother’s death, “did she know. Did she know when she died?”

The three adults stopped and all turned to her. It was her father who spoke, “it was wrong Martha, I won’t deny that. But there were extenuating circumstances.”

                “DID SHE KNOW?”

He nodded, “she found out the day she died. But it was long over by then.”

She hung her head for a while, “what she found out as she went into labour.”

He shook his head, “she hurt herself...that started off the labour, it was early, twelve weeks too soon. There’s not a day goes past when I don’t blame myself for her dying.”

                “Her and my brother.” She snarled, “you bastard. All these years you’ve lied to me. Told me a tragic story, do you have any idea how sorry for you I’ve felt? All these years wondering how you managed to get through the trauma of losing your son and wife, the PITY I’ve felt for you.”

She looked at Lucy and gave a sad smile, “I’m sorry Lucy, you’ve always hinted that things weren’t right, I should have listened to you about a lot of things in my life. Instead I’ve always listened to those two scheming bastards.”

Stephanie looked distraught, her father devastated, but she couldn’t deal with that now. She was the avenged one here; she was the one who’d had to live without her mother, virtually all her life. With a shake of the head she marched upstairs then proceeded to empty cupboards and drawers into the suitcases and bags that were stored under her bed. She had no intention of returning to the house again.

Back in the kitchen her father was crying, openly, as was Stephanie, they both looked up when they saw her laden.

                “Don’t go Martha, please.”

She shook her head, “you preach about destructive relationships, you made Sonny out to be the lowest of the low. Yet all the time you were harbouring this dirty scandal.” She shook her head, “the irony is if you hadn’t decided that you wanted to rekindle the old love, then I may never have known. You two, YOU are the selfish ones; YOU have rode roughshod over everyone in your lives. YOU two are disgraceful. Do you hear me?”

When neither answered, she stormed out.

She snuck into the pub, glad that the door to the living quarters was just inside the door that let her get behind the bar. It was heaving in there, but with her overnight bag only, the rest were in the car, she snuck upstairs.

To find Sonny sat on the sofa, Ethan almost asleep in his arms.

                “He woke up; don’t think he knew where he was.”

She sighed, “I shouldn’t have left him. It’s pretty hectic down there.”

He nodded, “need to help Pam, though one of the youngsters turned up after you left. We’ll cope.”

                “I’ll get him into bed. I’ve got his pj’s. We won’t put you out too long.”

Sonny stood up and walked towards her, “you are welcome here as long as you want. You above everyone else. Ok?”

She nodded, “I don’t know what I’d have done if you weren’t here.”

He grinned, “coped, like you always do. You can deal with anything Martha, don’t forget that.”

Sighing she followed him to one of the bedrooms, “think tonight has challenged that.”

Looking down at her he smiled awkwardly, “I’ll be up when we close, if you need me...”

She smiled, “I’ll call.”

Ethan once in his pyjama’s and a comfy bed fell asleep. So Martha made for the lounge, and whilst the TV played the second Bridget Jones movie, she was unable to focus on it; in fact she was unable to concentrate on anything. It was hell, a living purgatory.

She was sat there staring into space when Sonny appeared in the doorway, “stragglers are just drinking up, I’ll lock then be here. You want a drink?”

Her answer was a shrug, and he smiled, “I’ll choose!”

True to his word he turned up fifteen minutes later with a huge bag of kettle chips and a bottle of red wine. Tossing them down on the coffee table, he disappeared into the kitchen, coming back with two tumblers.

                “I have literally got the two beds and sofa they left here, I’m going to have to start buying wine glasses, scatter cushions and rugs.” He laughed. “You’ll have to help.”

Her response was a morose grunt; she wasn’t in the mood to discuss soft furnishings, not when her world was crashing down around her ears. Taking the hint he poured them a glass each then sat back and watched her, waiting.

The film on TV had long since finished, and they were watching a rerun of two and a half men, he quite liked the show generally, but tonight it was merely background.

                “I’m worried about you.” He finally offered when he started on their second glass of wine.

At last she looked up and met his eyes, “everything was a lie.” She shook her head, “I’ve based my life on the words of a lying man, and her.” Her tears were both anger and frustration and she ducked her eyes from his, but it was too late, he’d scooted along the sofa to pull her into her arms.

As she sobbed her heart out, he murmured words into her ear, nothing of substance, but hopefully enough that she knew he was there for her. Eventually the tears seemed to ease and he smiled, his lips touching her hair.

                “Getting a sense of déjà vu here.”

Looking up at him she groaned, “I’m sorry. I’ve ruined another t-shirt.” She pointed at the damp patch from her tears.

He shrugged, “I’ve had worse. And I’ll survive. Some people will do anything to make me take my clothes off!”

It was a mistimed and probably inappropriate joke, but she laughed regardless. Then in an almost hysterical way told him, “they were having an affair years ago...it was why my mother died, she couldn’t cope with it.”

Sonny grimaced, this was massive, even bigger than he could ever imagine. All he could do was hold her hand and shake his head in wonder.

                “I hate them Carter, I hate them for lying, I hate them for cheating me of my mother and brother, and I hate them for thinking everything is ok now.”

Slowly she told him all that had happened, Sonny fell between feeling stunned and extremely angry, he’d never felt so aggrieved for someone else. And Martha didn’t deserve it.

He dived downstairs a little later to get another bottle of wine. It was needed. By now they’d moved into the kitchen and were sat opposite each other at the table there.

                “So what do you do now?”

She shrugged, “I don’t know.  I’ve spent all my life trying to get this back.” She gestured around herself, but he knew what she meant, her family. She’d lived in exile for years dreaming of being back with her father...and now that she was it had all become a hideous mess.

                “Stay here. With me.” When she rolled her eyes he laughed, “I know you don’t love me anymore, but I’m here for you.”

She blushed at that, dropped her head.

                “You told Michael, that we’d never be more than friends again, that you don’t love me. I heard that.”

Sonny hated that he’d suddenly made this about them, but it had been eating away at him for weeks.

                “Was that before or after you repeatedly screwed Jade?”

He groaned, “don’t throw that back at me again, you TOLD me to date her, to get over you.”

She sighed, “yes I did.”

Standing he paced the room angrily, “why is this always MY fault? You push me, then pull me. You tell me to move on, then you stir things between me and Jade. I don’t understand what you want anymore, YOU stopped loving me Martha.”

She shook her head, “let me remind you that it was YOU that ended things, you that ran off without as much as a word. You have NO idea how that feels.”

                “I was wrong, I allowed people to bully me into what they wanted and I lost sight of what I wanted. What I still want.”

She laughed, “your bed is still warm from Jade Carter, I’m no one’s second best.”

Turning towards her he scowled, “I’ve NEVER said you were anything but the best, TOO good for me, that was always the problem.”

She stood, “I’m not having this discussion, not now, not when you’re so angry. Haven’t I been through enough tonight?”

He slammed the door, forcing her to stay in the kitchen with him, “I’m sorry that this is coming out tonight of all nights, call me a selfish bastard if it helps, but we have skipped around this for far too long.”

Turning back to him she squared up to him, “this is you all over, forcing things to suit you. Can’t you at least leave me to wallow in my self pity?”

                “Do you love me?”

She reached for the door handle, but he was wise to that, his hand covering hers, stopping it.

Once again she turned to him, “please.”

He shook his head, “you’re driving me insane, I don’t know what you want from me, one minute you’re pushing me away, the next you’re telling me I’m wrong. You LOVE hearing that I love you, that I can’t get you out of my mind, then you have even more enjoyment pushing me away, hurting me, telling people that you don’t love me. Did you ever?”

She snapped, “of course I loved you, it’s obvious isn’t it? I DO love you, I probably always will, but that doesn’t change things.”

                “Why not? Why can’t you stop denying this?”

Taking a deep breath she calmed herself this was too much for one night, “Carter please.”

His lips were curled into a snarl, “don’t walk away not now.”

Taking a deep breath she stared at him, “you want the works, you want what you haven’t had, family, future...I can’t be that for you. I can’t do that, ok?”

He shook his head, “what do you mean? YOU are all I want.”

She gave a sad smile, “I can’t have any more kids Carter. I can’t give you what you want. And you DO want that. I know you do. So please don’t pretend otherwise.”

                “But...” he sighed, “YOU are what I want. You are who I dream about. You are who I see in my future.”

She looked at his confused face, and reached up to cup his cheek, “I will always love you, and you will say that you don’t care about it, that it’s not a concern to you, but it is, and maybe not now, but in weeks, months, years it will be. I can’t stand by and watch you not get what you need, because if anyone wants and NEEDS a family, then it’s you. So don’t say anything else, ok? Just let me go.”

Sonny was stunned, and he watched her rush off to the bedroom where her son slept, unsure of anything anymore.

He didn’t sleep, and there was nothing more destructive for Sonny than a night of insomnia. His anger threatened to boil over, his frustration, at who he didn’t know. Carl and Stephanie for their manipulation, Martha for not trusting him, not caring enough to be honest, or Scott for being the only man who’d father a child with her. He’d not thought about the future, he never thought past the day he was living, that was a legacy of his disrupted and unstable childhood. But if he closed his eyes he saw himself with her, with Martha. That was all.

He must have fallen asleep because his bedroom was light when he opened his eyes. Then he could hear a pounding. Coming around slowly he realised it was the front door. Staggering downstairs, he reached for the door to see Carl stood there on the doorstep.

The older man looked dreadful, and so he should the voice in his head reminded him.

                “Carl.”

He wasn’t about to gush, to make things right or easy for him.

                “Can I see her?”

He sighed, “I don’t think she wants to. She’s not in a good place.”

Carl ran a hand over his eyes, “will you just ask her? Please?”

Sonny, still half asleep gave a nod, “Ok.”

Climbing the stairs he cursed under his breath, he wanted a little more sleep and then the chance to talk to Martha without her father hovering around. Instead he’d been caught on the back foot.

                “Martha?” He tapped the closed bedroom door. “Your father’s here. I told him you didn’t want to see him. Are you ok with that?”

No answer, so he tapped again. Still no answer, so he pushed the door, relieved that it wasn’t locked. But then he froze. The room was empty. Every piece of evidence that Martha had ever existed was gone.

She’d run away.