Trying Not to Love You - Part Seventy Five

Chapter Seventy Five

Sonny staggered slightly, he’d honestly thought that they’d have the chance to discuss her revelations. Instead she’d gone. He was devastated. Now he had an equally devastated Carl in his bar waiting to see his daughter. 

Coming back down stairs he shook his head at Carl, “sorry mate, she’s gone.”

                “Gone?”
Sonny nodded, “I wish I could help more.”

                “How was she?”

Sighing he shook his head, “not good mate, but then what do you expect.”

                “It’s not what you think; it’s not what she thinks.”

Sonny patted him on the back, “that might be so, but it’s the fact that you’ve lied to her, she had such a hard time over Ethan from you, but that’s nothing compared to this.” AS the older man looked devastated, he added quickly, “I’m not judging you Carl, this is all a mess. I just want to find her, get her back here.”

Ethan was skipping alongside Martha as they walked into the airport.

                “I’m so excited!” He sang to her, and she squeezed his hand. It was the first decent holiday they’d been on, and they were about to fly, for him it was the first time, and his excitement was palpable. With Ethan so cheery it was easier for Martha to forget things for a moment.

When she’d sat trying to contemplate all she’d seen the previous evening, she’d sent a text message to her friend and old boss Jack simply saying, “Help!” Jack was aware that things were precarious, and he was a really good friend, she thought about staying with him or a few days, just to get away. She knew that getting away was maybe not the answer to her problems, but it was definitely essential at the moment.

But Sonny had turned up, and she’d been distracted and inadvertently ignored her phone until she’d got into bed after rushing away from him. It was then she saw a message flashing on her phone.

                “Am in Tenerife at our villa, brought Evie away for a break. Come join us? Mike is home for another week, call him, he’ll do anything you want.”

She hadn’t specified what her crisis was, but he’d come good. That was Jack, she’d barely spoken to him in six months, other than her trip to the zoo before Christmas, yet he’d come through again.  Some time in the sun was just what she needed, it would give her chance to calm down and work out what she wanted. And Ethan could have his first proper holiday.

Ethan had woken her early, and she’d called Mike on the off chance he was awake, Jack’s husband was a city worker, and he rarely seemed to need sleep, and fortunately he was awake.

                “Come down, I’ll organise flights.”

She was determined not to take advantage, “I can do that.”

                “Ok. Anything else?”

She sighed, instantly contradicting her earlier thoughts, “I want to get my things from my godmother’s house she’s not there.”

                “Have you got keys? Or do I need a break-in-and-enterer?” He asked with a chuckle, but complete seriousness.

And just like that the two men took over. She’d dressed Ethan and left the pub, Sonny hadn’t stirred, and that made things easier.

And now they were about to fly off to pastures warmer, and it was the best news. As they strode through the departure lounge, she could feel the wait lifting off her shoulders. She knew that Sonny would be angry that she’d left, but she’d left him a note. This was about her finding herself and letting Ethan have some fun. The last thing she wanted was him to pick up on the tension within the family. All he knew at the moment was that they’d stayed at the pub for the night, and she’d told him that was a treat, the holiday was a second one.

At the bar she ordered a glass of wine and watched as Ethan ran off to the play area where he could run around and climb to his heart’s content. She’d turned her phone when she left the pub; she wasn’t ready to talk to anyone. But before she boarded the plane she called Lucy’s mobile.

                “Martha! Are you ok?”

She smiled at the concern, the recent revelations must have felt torturous to her Aunt, and she could probably do with an ally, she was sad for the first time that she’d run away. She wasn’t the only one hurting here. Then she thought of Sonny’s face as she’d rejected him the previous night, he was hurting on a whole different level.  Suddenly her mood was morose.

                “I’m fine, I’ve got chance to take a holiday. I need that time away. I’m just gutted I’ve left you. Sorry I’ve been so selfish.”

Lucy chuckled, “as always worrying about everyone else. I’m just worried about you; it must’ve come as such a shock.”

                “Understatement. How’s the atmosphere? You coping?”

She gave a grunt, “go stay with Sonny. He’ll have you at the pub.”

                “Don’t know what you’ve done to him Martha, he was here earlier, devastated.”

She sighed, “it won’t work for us, it’s never going to be easy.”

She could hear the emotion in Lucy’s voice, “you’re letting them win love. You will come back?”

                “Of course, I’m just taking a holiday, a couple of weeks in the sun. I need to get Ethan away from all this hell. It’s not fair on him. Will you tell Sonny I called? I can’t talk to him Lucy. Not yet.” Reluctantly she agreed, so Martha added, “promise you’ll go see him, stay with him till I come back. I’ll look after you, it’ll be me and you, we don’t need anyone else. Do we?”

                “Sounds wonderful. Take care of yourself darling, ok? I’m sorry about all this.”

Sonny stormed back into the pub, he was still furious. He’d left a dozen increasingly angry answer phone messages on Martha’s phone, she’d run away, she’d not trusted him. The night before they’d finally been honest with each other.

He slumped on the stairs, head in his hands, he’d spent all night thinking about what he was going to say, and that was that kids didn’t matter. He loved her, he wanted her, and he was happy to take her on regardless. He was looking at life and he wanted to share it with her. Now? Now he was angry that she’d gone. Angry that she’d run away. He felt so helpless. But whatever he thought, when the shit had hit the fan she’d left, he hadn’t been enough.

He had half an hour before he had to open the doors to the paying punters, suddenly the pub was a ball and chain around his neck. With a groan he headed upstairs for a shower. He’d gone straight from the empty bedroom to the farm in the hope that Martha had gone there, but neither Lucy nor Stephanie had seen her.

A shower did nothing to lift his mood. But as he pulled some orange juice from the fridge - the only thing in there, he missed living at the farm; he noticed the message on kitchen table.

                “Need to get away, too much to think about. Don’t hate me. Martha.”

Even that was impersonal.

At least the pub was busy, that made things easier. It seemed everyone wanted a drink on a cold January Sunday afternoon. Paul was starting work for him the following day so he’d called in to run through things. As he was leaving Sonny noticed Lucy sitting on a bar stool. Opening a tomato juice, he placed a Bloody Mary on the counter in front of her.

                “How you doing? Sorry to burst in on you this morning, was I bit aggressive?”

She smiled, “no more than usual!” She sipped the drink then looked up at him,” she called.”

Sonny felt as though the room was spinning, he staggered a little, “what did she say?”

                “She wanted me to tell you she was sorry for running out on you. She’s gone away, getting some sun. She wants Ethan out of this environment.”

He nodded, “is it awful back at the house?”

She shrugged, “it’s been better.”

                “Do you want to move in upstairs? Just till the dust settles...or longer if you like?”

Lucy laughed, “she told me to ask you to let me live here, she knew you’d want that.”

When he looked up at the ceiling she knew it was to hide the emotions coursing through his veins. “When are you two going to get over this?”

He sighed, “she doesn’t want me Luce, it’s always something, a reason why we can’t be together, Ethan, Michael, me, her father. She doesn’t want me, yet she winds up Jade.”

                “That’s because she loves you.”

He closed his eyes for a second, “but not enough to be with me?”

Lucy reached out and squeezed his hand, “life isn’t easy, is it? She’s at her most vulnerable. And you were quick to rush into things with Jade.”

                “Jade likes me, she doesn’t push me away, she wants to spend time with me. I can take that, straight forward, normal...or I can torture myself with a woman who rejects me more often than she wants me. I’ve had a life full of lies, rejection...all I want is a happy life.”

                “Do you love Jade?”

                “I like her, I care about her. She’s fun.”

Lucy nodded knowingly, “she’s safe too. It’s not like you to settle.”

                “Settle for what?”

She smiled, “seconds best...safety.” Then giving a dazzling smile she offered, “I’ll bring a bag around a bit later. If that’s ok?”

                “When are you going to take me out?”

Sonny looked up from the pint glass he was filling and saw Jade smiling, at him. She seemed gifted with bad timing.

                “Stressful day Jade, I’m really struggling.”

She smiled, “well I’m going to cook you dinner tonight. You HAVE to eat.” She slapped a key on the counter, “this is the key to Tina’s, she’s out tonight, I’ll be home alone waiting for you.” With that she turned and slipped out of the pub.

By seven o’clock he’d helped Lucy upstairs and into the spare room, then he’d walked her to her WI meeting at the church hall, needing time away from the pub.

                “So are you taking tonight off?” Lucy asked her arm linked through his.

He shrugged, “working keeps my mind occupied.”

She laughed at that, “if Jade was right for you you’d not need to occupy your mind.”

Stopping in his tracks he turned to stare at Lucy, “I’m trying. I’m trying to do the right thing. He lifted his right hand, on one side I’ve got a woman who wants to cook me a meal, wants to spend time with me, tells me she wants to spend time with me. On the other...” he lifted his left hand, “is Martha, who wants to please everyone, wants to do the right thing, but not by me. I don’t need complicated, I don’t need rejection, so don’t tell me what’s right.”

Lucy placed a hand on his arm, “I won’t tell you what’s right, but I will tell you that love isn’t simple, it’s multifaceted, it’s annoying, it’s frustrating...but for all the hardship, it’s worth it for that surge of pleasure and satisfaction it brings.” She looked wistful for a moment and Sonny wanted to ask her about her love...but she shook her head and the moment passed. “The scandal is that you haven’t known love...so it scares you. Don’t run from it Sonny.”

He shook his head, “I’m not scared. I’m just angry that she pissed off somewhere the moment things got hard. At the end of the day we’re friends, and that’s what she’s rejected. EVERYTHING.”

                “And you’ve never run away? Think long and hard before you make your choice, often there’s a reason why one seems the easier option.”

With that she walked purposefully into the church hall.

Sonny glanced ahead, the road that led to Jade. But turning on his heel he headed back to the pub.

He’d set up his punchbag in the small private yard, and after knocking seven bells out of it he hoped to feel better, but he didn’t. He hated this low place, this place where he wasn’t in control where life was escaping from him like sand through fingers. Lucy told him he was scared, and he was scared of...of himself. Instead he stormed into the house and picked up the phone. He wanted to run and never stop, never let things catch up with him.

                “Martha CALL me. I can’t believe you’d do this to me. I need to talk to you, to know that you’re ok. Call PLEASE.”

He’d never begged for anything in his life, but he was about to beg for her.

When he closed up the pub a few hours later he still hadn’t heard from her. He could hear the sound of Lucy moving around in the spare room, and was glad he wasn’t alone. But when his eyes closed that night the dreams came back, dreams where he was the play toy of people who should be caring for him, people who made him do things he’d known were wrong. Waking in a cold sweat, feeling as though he was about to explode, he jumped out of bed and was marching across town within moments.

As a scowling Jade opened the door, annoyed that he’d stood her up, he dived on her pinning her against the wall, mashing his lips against hers. This was what he needed, to exorcise the memories, dispel the nightmares, and have the chance to prove to himself that he was over his past, that he was a true man, that man he always hoped he’d be.