Trying Not to Love You - Part Eighty

Chapter Eighty

She didn’t feel like a femme fatale, but at least she was able to wind up Sonny, and any response from him was better than none. Eamonn was great company, but after not very long he was leaving to go home. There were half a dozen others in the pub, but no one that she wanted to foist herself on to. Martha knew she’d last out as long as she can, but her earlier confidence started to ebb when she was sat alone.

                “Can I get another wine?” She called across to Sonny. He nodded and finished serving two men across the bar.

As he poured the glass and handed it to her, “thought you were going clubbing?”

She shrugged, “tired, not sure I can be bothered.”

He raised an eyebrow, “so thought you’d plague the hell out of me instead?”

                “Plague? Is that what I’m doing?”

Rolling his eyes he gave his head a shake, “I don’t know what you’re trying to do. But it won’t work. We are over Martha, you get that?”

She sighed, “I hear you, I just don’t believe it.” She lowered her voice to a hiss not wanting the rest of the room to hear this, “I’ve spent my whole life looking for you, now I’ve found you I don’t want to give you up. I know I pushed you away, and I know that dented your pride...”

                “Dented my pride?” he leaned across the bar towards her, “you broke my heart, ripped me in two, then proceeded to repeatedly rub my nose in it...”

He sighed, “I’m not doing this, not here, not now.”

                “When then? When will you discuss it with me?”

Shrugging he walked away from her, putting as much distance between the, as he could.

Martha was back to the drawing board.

Why are you scared? That was the question that filled his head all night. He was always aware of Martha; he knew exactly where she was, when she walked in, and when she went to the bathroom. SO why are you still denying her? It came down to the rage, she took him to a place where he lost all rational thought, he became someone he didn’t like, it was all or nothing, and he couldn’t deal with that level of intensity. With Jade he had control, he had power...and that was what his life had always been about. Control. The times he’d lost control had been the worst time in his life, and he wasn’t ready to give up everything again. Scared? Oh yes.

Jade and Tina sauntered in around nine, and whilst he smiled and was outwardly glad to see her, he dreaded the confrontation between the two of them. He didn’t find women fighting over him attractive, but he wasn’t ready to see Martha humiliated either, it meant he had to work hard to keep both happy, and both separate.

Never was he more tempted to jack it all in, fill a bag and run. But he was a business owner now, he had greater responsibility.

Martha was talking to two regulars, Peter and Mark were in the pub most nights, and as he got close to them Sonny could hear them talking about old times, school friends, he’d have thought they were older than her. Jade was fluttering her eyelashes and dropping hints about promises she was yet to deliver.

Hell, he was stuck in pure hell.

Martha had had a fun night, in the beginning it had been all about Sonny, but once she got chatting to some old friends the night flew by. She’d not intended to stay this late, but as she finished her drink she noted it was almost ten. As she stood, pulling on her coat she met Sonny’s eyes and gave him her best smile. It worked he averted his eyes, but when he looked back up she smiled again.

                “We will have that talk Carter, and we will sort with this.”

                “Sort out what?” They both glanced across the bar to where Jade was leaning forward, her face red with anger.

Sonny walked towards her and Martha could hear him say, “she’s helping me with the books. I told you that.”

Martha, smug left the pub, if he hated her he’d not have lied.

The house was in silence when she returned, she checked on Ethan, he was fast asleep, Lucy was snoring softly in her room, and Martha sighed. She pulled out her laptop and logged onto her emails, she’d neglected her life outside the village the last few weeks, so it was a good chance to catch up. Tomorrow she was planning to visit her father, that was another chapter that needed addressing. And another thing she wasn’t looking forward to. As usual Jack’s emails and her facebook news distracted from the hell of her life.

She’d been online a few minutes when there was a pounding at the front door. With a sigh, late night callers, like late night phone calls were rarely good news, she left the flat via the front door then descended the fifteen steps to the small ground floor hallway and front door. An intercom, that was the next thing she was going to purchase.

Pulling open the door she was stunned to see Sonny stood there.

                “What are you doing here? Who’s looking after the pub?”

He shrugged, “Paul came in, and he needed distraction, offered to relieve me.” He stepped into the hallway barging past her. “And you’re right; I have got to get this off my chest. It can’t wait.”

She led him up to the lounge and he followed her silently.

                “So?” She turned to face him.

                “I can’t do this Martha, WE are over, I’m with Jade, and I need you to just back off.”

She shook her head, “no. “

He gritted his teeth, “look, move on. That isn’t you, coming into the bar, flirting all night...”

                “I wasn’t flirting with anyone,” she was indignant. “Why won’t you admit that I matter to you? Why won’t you get over the past?”

                “Because the past shapes us!” He snarled, “I’ve had my fill of women telling me what to do, you, my mother...”

She laughed, too stunned to be angry, “that’s it? You’re comparing me to your mother? Really?”

                “I don’t know!” He hissed his voice ravaged with emotion. “I want normal, I want calm, I want to be happy.”

She smiled, “that’s what I want to. Does SHE make you happy? Do you love her?”

                “I care about her, she’s fun...”

Martha stepped closer to him, “but she’s not me. What we shared...it was once in a lifetime stuff.”

Stepping back he shook his head, “you pushed me away, you hurt me, you don’t trust me.”

As she stepped towards him again he once again shook his head, “I don’t want this.”

                “If you didn’t want this, if you didn’t care about me then why are you here? If you want Jade and don’t want me what does it matter what I say or do? You’re a strong man Carter in more ways than one. Why are you trying to control what I do?”

Shaking his head he backed away, “I don’t want you; I don’t want anything from you.”

                “What just my accounting skills? That’s bullshit. Tell me you don’t love me.”

His eyes met hers and they burned with passion, it almost took her breath away.

                “Tell me.”

Still he just stared, then he growled, “I’m not saying anything to you.”

With that he turned and rushed down the stairs. Martha flew down there after him, and was rewarded to find him in the small hallway wrestling with the front door, she’d battled with it so many times over the last few days, there was a definite knack to it. 

She pushed him out the way, “there’s a way of opening the door...but first be honest with me. I’m not hearing a no Carter, I’m just hearing scared and run away.”

The words were like a red rag to a rampant bull, he threw her to one side, aiming to battle past her to the door, but somewhere on the way he turned, pinned her against the wall, and kissed her. It was ferocious, aggressive, and EXACTLY what she wanted. After a brief assault on her lips, he pulled away gasping for breath, she gave a content smile before drawing him back to her.

His hands held her hostage, keeping her head still as he consumed her. Martha thought she’d discovered everything in their time together, but this, this was something else. With a groan against his lips she reached for his jacket thrusting it over his shoulders uncaring when it fell to the floor. His chest felt beautiful through the soft and thin knit of the long sleeve sweater he wore, but even that was too much, as his lips moved to her jaw, as her head fell back exposing her throat, she tugged the jumper up over his torso. His lips barely left hers as he helped her drag the clothing off, then as he resumed his consumption of her throat, he slid his hands under the hemline of her sheer top, sliding it up as he bit at her collar bone.

Fortunately she was bare foot, and it didn’t take long for him to slide her out of her jeans, all the while still pinning her to the wall with the pressure of his body. His mouth had found her breast, the part that he could access over the top of her bra, with a moan of unadulterated lust; he slid his free hand up her inner thigh, delving under the lace that still covered her.

Martha groaned at that touch, so gentle, yet so demanding, lifting her right leg to wrap around his waist, she opening herself further, offering all that she was. Sonny paused for a moment as she tore at the buckle of his belt. Then she freed him, huge in her hand, and hard against her thigh, then his hands left their chores and circled her waist before lifting her, pressing her up to the wall. She wrapped her legs around him drawing him closer then bit into his shoulder as he thrust aggressively into her, hiding the squeal of pleasure she longed to release.

Her hands spread into his hair, keeping his mouth at her throat, as she absorbed him, drew him to her, and did everything to ensure that his pleasure was not only rapid, but something he would never ever forget.

Sonny stood there, still buried inside her, his head on her shoulder, cradled by her arms and legs that clung to him, and hated himself. He’s just burst into her house, verbally abused her, almost raped her, and now...what? He lowered her legs then separated them physically, stepping back as he fastened his jeans. As he reached for his sweater he saw Martha start to pull on her jeans.

With her shirt fastened, and her jeans half up she smiled at him, “now tell me you don’t love me. Because THAT was as special as every other time and you had NO control over yourself.”

He was staring at her in a bewildered state, but as she stepped up to him he moved away and she was amazed that he could put so much distance between them in such a small place.

                “Carter?”

He reached for the door and escaped into the cold night before she had the chance to say another word.

Devastated Martha climbed the stairs again, back to the reality that for a moment had seemed a distant past.

She ignored the wine and went straight for hard liquor, whisky. Two large measures didn’t help, neither did a hot shower. Despite everything it was still only half past eleven, and she had no sleep in her at all.

The pub was deserted when he stormed in, “you ok?”He called to Paul who nodded, then he bounded up the stairs to his home.  A shower, a drink...nothing helped. He’d chosen Jade, and now? Now was everything he thought wrong? Was his judgement out?  He punched the wall, he hadn’t done that since he’d moved into the pub. He looked up to the ceiling, how the hell was he going to deal with it all?

What are you hiding from? The voice in his head was constant these days, and he had no answers, other than this was his choice, the easy way. But he thought back to Martha and what had happened. Could he live without that again? Could he deny himself her again? Could he settle for Jade?

He could hear shrieking coming from downstairs so he dressed quickly and headed back into the melee, to see Jade and Tina dancing on top of a table to a tune blasting from the jukebox.

Help.

She barely heard the tap at the door, compared to Sonny’s earlier hammering this was lacking aggression and venom. But it was late...

In just her pyjamas she rushed downstairs and opened the door then gasped, in spite of the fact that there was little chance of anyone else disturbing her at this time of night, she was still stunned to see Sonny stood there, head hung, shoulders slumped, defeated. When he looked up his eyes were heavy with what looked like tears.

Stepping back she let him into the hallway and into her arms, and as she held him in a similar position as they’d ended up an hour earlier, she could feel the quake of what she knew were tears, and pain. But he was there....with her, and that made her smile inside.