Trying Not to Love You - Part Eighty Nine

Chapter Eighty Nine

                “We’re not arguing in front of Ethan,” Martha warned the three adults. “Actually we’re not arguing at all. You three are all I have in the world, and I’m sick of fights, anger...and being alone. Ok? What happened happened twenty years ago. And whilst it has implications for all of us, SO many implications, we all have to move on. Staying here, having dinner is a sign that you want to be part of this family and you want to move on. Otherwise the chef at the pub is doing a great beef dinner on me there.”

Lucy giggled at that, and was then joined in her humour by the other woman, ‘Stephanie’.

                “I’m glad you appreciate my humour, but I swear I can pull any situation you dare to orchestrate.” Martha stared down the two women and then the three of them laughed; she was no good as a bad cop. Her father looked bemused by it all, but seemed glad that the three were not fighting.

Sitting for dinner Martha encouraged everyone to help themselves to the mountains of food she’d prepared, and as they ate, conversation was kept at a very superficial level. There were far too many elephants in the room to allow for anything else.

Ethan was the first to finish and once excused rushed off to watch the end of Monsters Inc on the TV in the lounge. That left a deafening silence.

                “We owe you an explanation.” Carl offered looking at Lucy.

She shrugged, “you don’t owe me anything.”

Carl shook his head in wonder, “you are a stubborn old cow aren’t you.”

That made Lucy look at him, “THAT is your effort at an apology? Nice one!”

Shaking his head he lay down his cutlery, “I never offered an apology, I offered an explanation. I’m sick of feeling remorseful, I owe you an explanation...the truth, and I owe you my thanks, I couldn’t have brought Martha up without you, and for that I’ll be eternally grateful.”

Both Martha and Stephanie watched this exchange silently.

                “I don’t want anything from you.”

Carl again shook his head, “this is what I mean...you are SO bloody stubborn. Are we ever going to move on?”

Lucy chewed her mouthful of food rather delicately and deliberately and Martha had to stifle a laugh, eventually she turned to Carl, “I asked you for an explanation years ago, you fed me a load of horseshit. So what makes you think that I’ll believe you today?”

Groaning he leaned forward, “ok, I’ve been in denial...”

                “But now that you’re over it you want us all at the same place at the same time?” Her father had the decency to blush and Lucy saw that sign of guilt and dived on it, “I get that you two fell in love, I get that it may not be as damning as I always thought, but the truth of it is she was MY sister, and you two caused what happened, then lied about it. It’s the lying that is the destructive thing. I’ve watched this family hide from the truth for twenty years, all you had to do Carl Mansell was tell the truth, I honestly believe things would have been different if you had.”

His head had dropped and Martha knew that both he and Stephanie were digesting those words. She was about to intervene, to lighten the mood, but her Aunt hadn’t finished.

                “The fact that I put up with it, ignored the truth too means I’m as much to blame for all this, so I can’t sit and be judge and jury on you both. A truce has been long overdue, and I’m not looking for tearful explanations and apologies, I just want to enjoy my life, with my family...” she looked at Carl and waited until he met her eyes, “and you are part of that.” She turned her eyes to Stephanie, “and if you are part of his life, then I suppose you are too.”

Martha was watching Lucy closely and she was loving the moment in the limelight, milking it for all she could.

Shaking her head as she started to laugh she turned to her aunt, “I have never seen anyone enjoy trauma as much as you just did! You can be such a bitch Lucy, but you are a bloody funny one.”

Her father looked at them as Lucy started to laugh too, “was this a wind up?”

Lucy shrugged, “not really. What I said is the truth, but I promised Martha I’d behave...and I SO wanted to put you in your place. A lot of water has passed under this bridge, and to be honest, I thought my pain and anger would last forever. But when Martha explained what happened years ago, I didn’t feel how I thought I would. I think I just got used to feeling animosity towards you all, and when the truth FINALLY came out, I felt nothing. I got used to feeling resentment, and now...I feel sadness, that my sister isn’t here, but nothing more, not really.” When Martha smiled at her, she added, “and you two...you’ve spent a long time apart, the fact that you still care for each other...well it’s quite sweet, and as Martha made me see SO clearly, you’ve both suffered enough. I know you don’t want my blessing....”

Carl interrupted her, “we want you to be happy with this, with us more than anything.”

She nodded, “and I am, when two people are meant to be together who am I to interfere?”

That comment hung between them all for a moment, and it was Martha who broke the tension by jumping up to hastily clear plates.

In the sanctity of the kitchen she swatted at the tears that clogged her eyelashes, she hated that one comment one train of thought could reduce her to a jibbering wreck again.  Sonny should have been there, even if they weren’t together he was a part of this family now, a vital part, he was the only one who understood her. He’d squeeze her hand and make her believe everything was ok...instead him not being here was what she needed the comforting over. It was such a mess.

                “We are sorry Martha, I’m sorry.”

Looking up she saw Stephanie stood in the doorway looking at her with concern.

She hated that her voice failed when she tried to speak, her emotions were overwhelming, “I love him and you only ever saw the bad in him, you didn’t trust me...and now he’s gone.” She sighed, “I’m not bitter about things, I’m not going to hold you to ransom for it, a lot happened after you interfered, a spiral path that was never helped by what you guys did, but happened none the less. You’ve always done so much for me, and that makes this so much harder to digest. But like Lucy I don’t need trauma in my life, I have my own. I’ll never understand you interfering, but I’m not going to drag out hatred...I have to move on.”

Stephanie smiled, “you always were too good for us all. You did all this today...”

                “I’m doing this for Ethan, he hasn’t had a family for so long, and all he seems to see is people leaving, no more. Even if we all hate each other I want us to get on when he’s around.”

Stephanie smiled, realising that she was no push over, but then she knew Martha well.

Martha grabbed a bottle of red and a bottle of white and indicated back to the dining room then led Steph back to the others.

A week had passed, another one to tick on his calendar. Sonny was enjoying his job at least, for twelve hours at a time he was out, busy and distracted. Jade still had no agenda, she was draped around their home watching TV whenever he walked in, there was no sign of her contributing to their home, he’d not known her work a day since he met her, and that wasn’t changing. He wasn’t sure where she got her money from, he paid the rent, the bills, but he hadn’t given her any money for herself and she was still tanned, preened and primped, so she had some form of income. They had a lot to discuss but he kept putting it off. But that couldn’t go on, she needed hospital appointments, trips to the doctor, he wanted to know the baby was ok.

He got back to the flat at well after midnight and Jade was asleep. A relief.  As was becoming the habit he had a drink, cold, mind-numbing alcohol, then turned on the TV. The twenty four hour news channel was his greatest friend, and tonight was no exception. Until the screen filled with an image that made him turn cold. Mooreland Lodge. The case of historical sexual abuse charges against the residents was due to open the following week and one the accused, had hung himself. Tony Williams.

His face filled the screen and caused him to shake, like a terrified child. He was aged now, older, maybe in his sixties, and nowhere near the fear inspiring man he remembered from his terrified child hood. Tony had been the worst; he’d been the most sadistic. He shuddered again at the memories that man’s face had conjured up. If he hadn’t killed himself Sonny would quite easily have killed him, if he’d ever found him. Four years he’d spent at Mooreland, and it had only been his worsening behaviour, self destructive ways that had seen him moved. Ironically the home he moved to, one for ‘troubled’ teens was a walk in the park, whilst he was surrounded by violent idiots, his reputation preceded him and he was held in some sort of revere. Which meant that three years there passed uneventfully, and at sixteen he’d escaped to freedom.

But Mooreland was never far from his memory.

The news had moved on to another story, an insight into someone else’s personal hell. But he couldn’t move on so quickly. He’d been haunted by nightmares about that place, he rarely slept as that was the time they’d come for him, when he was asleep, unprepared. And lack of sleep had become a survival tactic that even now, almost twenty years later he was struggling to beat.

Faceless women and dominant sex had helped him defeat the memories over the years, create new ones. And it usually worked, but the thought of waking Jade repulsed him, she wanted him with a passion that was almost indestructible, but he could barely look at her. The only one who knew his darkness was Martha, and if she’d been there...well she wasn’t. Instead he reached for the vodka and took another long drink.

                “You slept on the sofa? Again?”

Sonny’s eyes didn’t want to open, his head hurt in a way it hadn’t for a long time.

                “Sonny? What’s going on?”

He managed to open them on the third attempt to see Jade stood hands on hips in the middle of the room.

                “Do you have to shout?”

She nodded, “yes I do. You’re sleeping on the sofa, you don’t want to talk to me...I’m lonely here and you don’t make things any easier.”

He dragged himself to his feet, and stretched trying to iron out the awkward wrinkles in his body, “don’t start.”

She must have sensed his animosity as she immediately sidled in his direction, “I just miss you baby.”

He shook his head, “I’m here. What more do you want?”

                “But you’re not really here, are you? You don’t look at me, don’t touch me, barely talk to me.”

She wasn’t wrong, but he wasn’t about to be goaded or guilted into changing that.

                “I’ve given up EVERYTHING for you and this baby, so don’t pretend that you’re hard done by. You knew how things were, you knew I’d moved on...I’m not about to pretend that this is perfect, but I am being as honest as I can be. I’m working hard, I’m providing for you. What more do you want?”

She sighed, “I want you to love me.”

Groaning he moved away from her, “I’m here Jade, that is all I ever promised you.”

                “You’ll never love me? Never want me?” She loosened the buttons on her blouse.

He reached out and gripped the two edges of the shirt in his fist, “throwing  yourself around isn’t going to change that. You’re going to be a mother!”

                “That doesn’t mean I can’t be me...”

He rolled his eyes, “we all have to make sacrifices Jade, that’s the harsh reality of life.”

He was still dressed from the previous night, and he stormed straight out the door, needing time, space and distance to get things sorted in his head.

From the safety of a local park he called Michael, then only one who could help him in these times and waited for him to arrive. Some time out with his father might make things more bearable...just.  

Michael took him to a club he knew, ordered a drink for them then sat opposite his troubled son.

                “What’s happened?”

Sonny didn’t know where to start, “everything, nothing.”

                “Is the baby ok?”

He shrugged, “as far as I know. She still hasn’t been to the hospital. But every time I want to talk about it I get angry and have to get away.”

                “You made this choice Sonny.”

                “I know, and I hate it. But it’s my child, and I HAVE to do right by it, surely you can see that?”

Michael nodded, “as I told you when you first found out, I did exactly what you are doing. The right thing...apparently, and I don’t know if it was the right thing. I really don’t know. I’m proud of you, that you’re got the right morals and scruples after all you’ve been through, but if it’s hell, if you hate it, if you’re making each other miserable, then maybe you should walk away.”

                “If I do, I’ll never see the baby, Jade’s already hinted at that. I can’t win here Dad, I really can’t.”

As Michael placed an arm around Sonny’s slumped shoulders, he couldn’t hide the grin that despite the bad timing spread across his face, he’d called him Dad, and suddenly everything felt wonderful.