Trying Not to Love You - Part Eighty Six

Chapter Eighty Six

Martha felt as though her whole world was crashing down around her. The only thing that could drive a wedge between them, the one thing she couldn’t give him was now a reality. Her legs felt like jelly, nausea rose in her throat. She looked at Jade, her eyes wide and a hint of satisfaction in her eyes, when she glanced up at Sonny it was to see his face a cross between shock and horror. Desperate, she dropped her eyes.

                “You both need to talk...” she offered, stepping backwards out of the room, unable to cope with the thought of what might be said. She wanted to put her hands over her ears and shout loudly, to block out the woman who was about to ruin everything, to take everything away from her.

She’d not made it to the hall when she heard him snarl , presumably at Jade, “how the hell did this happen? STAY here.”

Sonny spun on his heel, his heart racing, he felt sick, he could see Martha disappear out of the door, he had to stop her, this couldn't be happening, he ran to grab her wrist, “don’t run away!” He was begging and he didn’t care.

She shook her head, “this is nothing to do with me, you need to discuss things with her.”

Sonny groaned then dragged her into the kitchen, kicking the door closed behind them, “it doesn’t change anything, we have plans, a future. ”

Martha stared up at him from her deep blue eyes, “she’s having a baby. Your baby.”

He took her hands and squeezed them, “I don’t care, WE are the important thing here.”

Martha took a deep breath, he could see her nostrils flare as she tried to fight off tears, “you told me you were careful, that I was the only one you’d ever took a risk with.”

                “I did! It is, we didn’t...you are,” his mind was fogging over, nothing made sense any more, other than the fact that he loved her. He pulled her into his arms, "this changes nothing."

Pushing herself free of his arms gently but forcibly, she shook her head, “it changes everything. You need to talk to her...sort out what you're going to do, that’s your priority.”

He shook his head, “no that is YOU.”

He watched as she took a small step back, moved away from him, then she looked up at him, “I can’t give you a baby Carter, and as much as you will try to deny it, this is important to you.”

                “It’s not. I want you...”

She sighed, “so what? You let Jade run off into the distance to have your baby? let it become buried in a war of anger and animosity, because that's how it will be. You'll be at best a part time father. More likely you'’ll never see it. Can you let it grow up the way that you were brought up? Fatherless, deserted,” she reached out and touched his arm. “This is your chance, your chance to do things right, to avenge your past, I know that the last thing you want is to abandon your child. There's no other way.”

                “What are you going to do?” Sonny hated that she spoke such sense, it was everything to him, the reason he had never had unsafe sex was to ensure that this never happened, he'd rather never have kids than to have one he didn't know, or wasn't involved in it's life. She summed all that up through eyes brimming with tears. He couldn't take his eyes off her, because despite all that, he didn't want to lose her, couldn't begin to fathom how life would be without her. 

She shrugged, “I’m going to go see Ethan, then head back to the flat, see what’s happening there. Give us both some space.” Anything to get away from the tension, from the enclosed room, claustrophobia threatened to overtake her. “You need to talk to her.”

He couldn’t let her go, “don’t leave me...”

She smiled sadly, “this is your issue, not mine. Not ours.” The last bit was added sadly.

                “Can I come and see you later?”

Martha shrugged, “I can’t see a way out of this, not for us.”

Sonny grabbed her hands, “I’ll sort this out, I’ll make it work.”

When she separated their hands, she patted his shoulder almost patronisingly, “Carter you need to take stock and think this through, this is no joke, and we don’t get our time over again.”

Sonny wanted to explode; he’d waited all this time to sort his head out, work out what he wanted, and now this bombshell, “I can’t let you walk away...” He offered quietly.

                “I’m going home. We can talk later...”

As she left Sonny stormed back into the lounge where Jade was sat on the sofa, he couldn’t read her expression, so he marched up to her, struggling to formulate words, “how the hell has this happened Jade? We...I was ALWAYS careful. Did you plan this? Is this your way of controlling things?”

She shook her head and he hated the pitiful look she gave him, “I think it’s wonderful...” she placed a hand over her stomach and he had to look away, he wasn’t able to contemplate what that implied. “A baby, OUR baby. Here..."

Shaking his head and unable to describe the sound that echoed from his throat, he marched to the window, staring our listlessly into the distance, every part of him wanted to run, away from Jade, and somewhere in the direction of the woman he loved.

Punching the window frame he shook his head repeatedly, “NO, I don't want this, I don’t want you...don’t you understand?”

When he turned she’d moved to stand in front of him, “well I want it, I love you, and already I love it. You will too.”

                “I can’t deal with this.”

She grinned, “it’s a lot to take in, I know. Look I’m going back to Tina’s, I’m tired...could do with a rest. I’ll see you later?”

Sonny watched her leave at the same moment the red haze started to lower over his eyes.

Ethan had been wild, even by his standards,  Martha had been glad of the distraction helping him to paint a Thank You card for his grandfather, and then prepare him a huge meal. Mid afternoon he crashed out on the sofa, and for the first time Martha had the time to think about the huge rift that had ripped her perfect weekend in to a disaster zone.

It would be easy to ignore Jade, to pretend she didn’t exist, but she knew that for Sonny this was huge, being abandoned by his father had shaped his life, and he was the first to admit that he had an awful childhood, until he went to prison he hadn’t cared about himself, let alone anyone else. But he was different now, he was warm, caring...this would kill him either way. He’d want to be with her, protect her from the reality of it, but on the flipside, it was his only chance to be a father, something he longed for, he might deny it, and she knew that when he said it he meant it, but now...it was all so different. There was a child, HIS child, and that changed everything.

Closing her eyes, she leaned back in her chair and tried to digest things, there were two options,  stay together and watch as Jade ripped Sonny to shreds by using his baby against him, she couldn’t imagine how that would be, how devastated he’d be if she started to keep the baby from him, he’d hate to be the absent father.  But the other option was for him to be with Jade, and that would mean that Martha would have to watch them together, living in the pub, taking the baby for walks, pushing a pram through the village. Immediately her heart pained her, there was no easy option, one way she lost part of Sonny, and he lost part of himself, the other way she lost him completely, but Sonny had his sanity.

She shook her head, was she brave enough to let him go?

Ethan was settled in bed, Lucy had fallen asleep on the sofa, it was early evening, and Martha couldn’t put it off any longer, she’d made her decision. She knew what she had to do.

Sonny had barely been able to concentrate all day; Jade had sent him some text messages, the usual flowery stuff, the earlier turmoil conveniently forgotten. She was so superficial. Paul, who was rapidly becoming his saviour at work, turned up at five, so he bombed out. He needed distance, space. It was a forty minute walk to Michael’s house, he wasn’t sure if he’d consciously gone in that direction or whether it was coincidence, but when he spotted the driveway he made his way up it.

Derek answered the door and immediately showed him into the lounge where Michael was watching the racing.

                “Not that different to me, are you?” Sonny grunted at the sight.

Michael looked up, and his response froze on his lips, “what’s wrong?”

He sighed, “do I look that bad?”

“Dreadful. Want a whisky?”

            “Got vodka?”

Michael got up and crossed to the wet bar, it took his a few moments to pour them both a drink, and then returned to Sonny, who had slumped into an armchair. Handing him a glass he sat opposite, “you want to be alone?”

Sonny shrugged, “I don’t know what I want.”

Michael rested back into the armchair and sighed, “if you need anything, or want to talk...”

                “I started seeing Martha again.”

He blurted the words out and it was as much a surprise for him as Michael.

                “I know everyone thinks I’m not good enough for her, but she makes me better, you know? She helps me be a better person...” He looked up at Michael, "and she loves me, who can believe that? Someone like her wants someone like me."

                “I only ever protested because I wanted to hurt you...I’ve apologised for that.”

He nodded, “it wasn't just you....her father...well ironically he's my business partner now, so I suppose all things change.”

Michael leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, “if she’s that great shouldn’t you be happy? You look traumatised.”

He nodded, “we spent last night just outside Oxford, it was perfect, I can’t tell you how much I love her.” He laughed at that, “and if you knew me a year ago I’d NEVER have said that, I couldn't have. But it’s the truth.”

                “That’s great, I wish I’d been more open with my feelings, but I wasn’t brought up that way.”

That made Sonny laugh, however hard Michael's gilded life had been, it wasn’t in the same league as his own, he’d not known love until that smiling vivacious woman had ensnared him, showed him how.

                “So what’s wrong?”

Sonny was dragged back to the here and now, “Jade...she’s pregnant. And I don’t know what to do...” His voice broke as he looked up the man who was his own absent father.

Michael groaned, “what a mess. Do you love Jade?”

Sonny shook his head, “I like here, I care about her, she loves me...”

                “But she’s not Martha.”

                “Exactly. And I can’t ignore Jade; I can’t turn my back on my baby...”

Michael stood and refilled their glasses, handing another vodka back to Sonny who’d made short work of the first one, “don’t want to be like me?” When Sonny shrugged he added, “what does Martha say? I presume she knows.”

He nodded, “she left, told me that it was for me to decide.” He laughed, “she deserves more than this, I can’t believe things have gone tits up.”

                “Are you here to offload, or do you want advice? Cos I’m not sure I’m the right person for this.”

Sonny hauled himself to his feet, and it felt like hard work, carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. He paced for a moment, then turned to Michael, “I don’t know. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to play this, and I don’t know what the future holds. And I’m scared, of doing the wrong thing...” He looked up at his father and sighed, “whatever happens I lose something precious.”

Michael laid a hand on his shoulder, “I regret leaving your mother, I did before I knew about you, and by doing the right thing by my wife...and Scott, I condemned the woman I love and the son I didn’t know about to a life of hell. So I’m hardly the right person to give advice here. What would I do if I had my time again? I honestly don’t know. Sometimes you try to please everyone and end up pleasing no one, least of all yourself. Whatever you do I’ll support you, one hundred percent. Ok?”

Sonny looked at Michael, and immediately saw the understanding there, and it was him that initiated the hug, him that turned to his father, Sonny that hid his tear ravaged face in Michael’s shoulder.

                “I’ll have a gin and tonic please Paul.” Martha soon realised she needed more than a little Dutch courage; Paul smiled and started on preparing the drink.  “Is Sonny around?”

He shrugged, “he nipped out about an hour ago...haven’t noticed him come back, but that doesn’t mean he’s not here. Go on up if you want.”

Paying for drink she gave a nod, then guzzled half the drink with a shudder.

                “Need that?” Paul asked with a grin.

She nodded, “like you wouldn’t believe.” With a smile she lifted the glass and drained the rest, “I’ll just let myself upstairs. See you later.”

The door was unlocked and so she climbed the steps filled with trepidation and above all fear.

The living quarters were almost in darkness, but as she opened the lounge door, Martha froze. There sat Jade in the sofa, long legs crossed at the ankles, an undecipherable look on her face. Martha gulped in some air, she hadn’t expected this.

                “Where’s Sonny?”

Jade smiled, “popped out, he’ll be back soon.”

Martha gave a nod, and was about to turn to leave, opting to wait for him in the bar downstairs, when Jade spoke.

                “You’re not going to separate us are you?”

Martha’s eyes lifted to Jade and she hated the almost smug confidence in the younger girl’s face. “As far as I can see what happens is up to Sonny, not you or I.”

Jade gave a slow nod, “that’s true, but then it’s not just about tonight, or tomorrow...it’s about the future.” She placed a hand over her stomach, “it’s about this baby. Do you want to keep it from its father? Because that’s your decision, that’s up to you.” She smiled, “he’ll be such a good father, don’t you think?”

The words stunned Martha, she hadn’t thought that far in advance, and the words instantly made her stop in her tracks. Jade took the silence for agreement, and carried on, “he wants children, he says that all the time, I mean this is a gift, isn’t it. If he stays with you he’ll miss out on that...or are you going to give him a child to try and replace this one when it isn’t in his life? A replacement?”

And that was the trump card; did Jade know that she couldn’t have children? Or was this a very lucky gibe that hit home in more ways than she imagined? No one but Sonny knew about her problems, and she couldn't believe he’d have told her, it wasn’t like him.

                “Think about this poor baby while you two are making your decision,” she offered.

As Jade made to leave the room, Martha finally found her voice, “and you’re happy...to stay with a man JUST for the baby...because he loves me. Not you.”

Jade shrugged, “look at you, then look at me, younger, more beautiful and far more fashionable, and once I place his baby in his arms he’ll forget all about the frumpy charity case that you are, and see me...everything that he needs. You’ll see.”

With a flounce, she turned and left.

Martha slumped on to the sofa, desperately trying to hold on to the tears that threatened to fall. She may have been there five minutes or an hour; she’d lost all concept of time, until she felt Sonny arrive, that almost telepathy that they seemed to share. Looking up she saw him appear at the doorway, his handsome face pale, those warm brown eyes flat, empty.

                “Martha.”

He rushed across to her, then stopped, realising that grabbing her, holding her wasn’t the right thing.
She stood, and faced him, “hi. You ok?”

Sighing he reached for her hands, “I’ve been better.”

Nodding she squeezed his fingers, “me too.”  For a moment they looked at each other, and it was Martha who finally spoke, “I saw her, just now. Jade. I can’t get between this, it’s over...”

He shook his head, “I can’t live without you Martha, I can’t.”

Smiling she reached up to cup his cheek, “you can, and you will. You’re going to be a brilliant father, and you’re going to be everything to that baby. Ok?”

He lifted his eyes to the ceiling and she knew that he was fighting tears, “I can’t believe this has all gone so wrong.”

                “A baby is never wrong; it’s a gift, one you never thought you’d have.”

                “I don’t love her. I love you.”

Martha sighed, “things change, and it’ll be easier with me not being around.”

                “You’re going away?” He gasped. “But you can’t.” And it was then that a tear escaped his eye and a sob his lips, “I can’t let you go...I can't do this without you.”

She felt like a mother, guiding him in the right direction, with a firm voice she held him at arm's length, “you must...I can’t be with you any more, I can’t see you, I can’t stay here watching you and her...and the baby I’ll never have. It will hurt too much. I’ve got nothing keeping me here, not now, not really...I’ve got the chance to go to Manchester...I can go with Ethan...”

He held up a hand, “you’re not uprooting him, and you’re not leaving town. YOU have sacrificed everything to live here with your Dad, then there’s Lucy.” He was sobbing now as he looked at her, his hand lifting to cup her cheek, “I’ll go away, I can find a place...take her with me. This is your home.”

                “But Michael...the pub. You're finally settled.” Her heart broke at the thought of him giving up everything he held dear to him.

He laughed dryly, hoping that it made him seem stronger, “I’ve managed thirty years without either, I’ll survive.”

Martha gave her own half smile, “I know you will...”

Hearing a noise they both looked to the door to see Jade stood there. Martha smiled back at Sonny, knowing that this was the end. Their time was over.

                “I’ll always love you Sonny, and I’ll always remember last night.”

Blinking furiously, he tried to clear the fog occluding his eyes, absorbing the fact that she’d called him by his first name, for the first...and the last time. There was nothing he could do to change this, she was right, he HAD to do the right thing, it was the only way he could live with himself. “I’m sorry...I’m so, so sorry.”

They stood together for a moment then she stepped back.

                “Can I come and say good bye to Ethan, once I’ve sorted things out?”

She nodded, “of course...but I won’t be there.”

And she walked away...grabbed her bag and walked out of the flat, out of the pub and out of his life.