Trying Not to Love You - Part Eighty One

Chapter Eighty One

Lying in her bed, she held Sonny his head on her shoulder, their legs entwined, and Martha sighed. Finally Sonny was accepting that he needed her, that they were meant to be. After finding him, a broken man at the door, she’d led him into his room and half undressed before silently falling into her bed, clinging to each other. But they couldn’t not talk about things, this was what had got them into the catastrophes of the past, not talking.

                “You ok?”

He nodded against her shoulder, “sorry.”

That made her chuckle, “me too. I thought you were going to win,” she lifted herself onto an elbow and looked down at him in the half light. “Are you sure about this? Really sure.”

Smiling sadly he reached up to cup her cheek, to cherish her, and the moment, and the fact that he was with her again, “I couldn’t deal with the emptiness in my life without you. I’ve never loved anyone, and so I’ve never lost anyone, I didn’t know how to deal with it. You caused me pain, anger...I thought that being with Jade, being away for you was what I needed.” He sighed then smiled at her, “but the pain and anger were because you weren’t there. It was being without you that was killing me, not being with you. I don’t know how to deal with how I feel about you.”

She smiled at that, “well that makes two of us, I’ve never made a fool of myself over a man, I’ve never wanted to.”

He groaned, “I think that partly I was scared, partly I wanted to prove I didn’t need you, that you weren’t taking over my every thought. Then earlier.” He rolled his eyes, “I’ve never wanted or needed anyone or anything so much.”

                “But you ran away.”

He nodded, “I had convinced myself that I was right, that I knew what I wanted.”

                “Anything but me...”

                “No, anything but you gloating, making me doubt myself. After what happened, on the doorstep, I ran home. Tried to get my mind off things, then there was Jade bleating on, dancing on the table, rolling around drunk so randomly.” He ran a finger along her forehead, loving the way she quivered at his touch, “and all I could do was think of you, wearing that bloody flamingo bra...or rather not wearing it. It was amazing, and you were filling my brain...and there was Jade, silly, giggling...how could I ever think she was fun?”

Martha smiled, “because it was easier. You can control her, you control EVERY relationship if you world, bar me...and Michael.”

His eyes twinkled as he stared at her, “you kill me, you never listen, you push me...”

She rolled across him, pinning him to the bed, “and you LOVE it, though you hate admitting it. You don’t want a Jade, you want a ME. An alive, vibrant and often aggressively independent but perfect for you ME.”

Sonny looked like the cat that got the cream, his smile was the most genuine she’d seen on his face in ages, “I enjoy fighting with you, I can’t deny that. Even thought you infuriate me beyond believe.”

It was Martha’s turn to smile, “the feeling is mutual, you want to boss me around, tell me what to do...but I have never felt more alive than when you whip through my world like a whirlwind. Though to make this work we have to share everything. We just need to talk...and be honest.”

He groaned and that made her chuckle again, running her fingers along his jaw she forced him to look at her. “I love you Sonny Carter, more than I ever thought possible.”

It was his turn to grin, as his arms tightened around her waist, pulling her close to him, “and I love you, I never stopped...”

                “And I know that some of this was you wanting to hurt me, I could always see that, and I think I deserved it. I let others make my decisions, let people drive wedges between us, and I’ll never do that again, no one will get in front of you again...except Ethan.”

Again he smiled, “I wouldn’t expect anything less. How can I make this up to you? All the shit I’ve thrown your way?”

Wriggling against him she gave a provocative smiled, “just never do it again...and if anyone tries to poison your mind, destroy what we have, wind you up...TELL me!”

Reciprocating the wiggle, he moved until her thighs fell either side of his, “you have no idea how much I want this, want you.”

If Martha could close her eyes and preserve a moment, then that would probably be it, the moment before they fell on each other again, tearing at clothes, biting, tugging, furiously devouring each other. It was magical, special and more encompassing than anything else she’d ever experienced. This wasn’t love, this was SO much more. He was her soulmate, and until that moment she had no idea what that meant.

As he drove into her she bit into his shoulder, not wanting her screams to echo around the house, to wake Ethan or Lucy, but at the same moment she wanted to let go, absorb the feelings he was creating in her, the unbridled highs that she craved like a drug.

Then there was the expression in his eyes as he joined her there, for the first time there was no hint of fear. Finally Sonny seemed happy, secure.

She woke to him moving, pulling himself into sitting. Martha sat up, wrapped her arms around him, her chest pressed against his spine as he sat on the edge of the bed.

                “You running away?”

He shook his head, half turning in her embrace, “never. I need the bathroom, but I’m thinking I should leave.”
Sighing she placed her lips between his shoulder blades for a moment, “Ethan.”

He nodded, “he doesn’t need to get confused again.”

                “He was devastated when you left last time.”

Sonny spun around, “I’m not going to leave again, I promise. I’m here forever.”

His determination made her smile, “but you’ve got a golf day this afternoon...and I’ve got to see my Dad. Then there’s Jade.”

Sonny dropped his head on to her shoulder for a moment, “I have to speak to Jade.”

Martha lifted his head so his lips were touching hers, “you need to tell Jade before anyone else finds out.”

                “I don’t want to go back to sneaking around again Martha, I want us to be together, I want the world to know.”                

“You owe her the truth. And we don’t need to give people any opportunity to get involved in our lives. Everyone has an opinion, and everyone knows you’re with Jade.”

“But I want to be with you.”

She smiled, “and you will, late at night, or maybe the odd moment when I’ve finished your books and slip into your bedroom to wait for you!”

He raised an eyebrow, “ah! I see the type of woman I’m dealing with.”

She responded with a giggle and as he reached for his boxer shorts, Martha wasn’t ready to let him go. Glancing at the clock she knew they had another half an hour, with a tug she pulled him back onto the bed, then climbed astride him, grinning as she devoured his mouth. Not one to complain, Sonny went along with everything she suggested...and then some.

Half an hour later they snuck down the stairs, Martha used her experience to open the difficult door, then melted as his arms wrapped around her, his lips finding hers. There was no one but the milkman to witness them, and with a bereft feeling, she finally had to let go of him and watch him stride off down the street. When he reached the corner, he turned and smiled an amazing smile that made her toes curl, then blowing her a kiss he sprinted off into the distance.

She’d not sleep now, but there was an hour till she had to get Ethan up for school. So she found the book she’d bought and snuck off back to her room with a mug of coffee. As she pulled the duvet over her, her phone bleeped.

                “Love you. Miss you already.”

The words made her smile, and she tapped a quick reply, “Lying in bed wishing you were here.”

The response was almost instant, “Hussy. Never going to concentrate now. Tonight. I’ll find you where ever you are!”

That made her smile.  She longed for him already.

Lucy was sat rather smugly in the kitchen when Martha finally got up. She wouldn’t let the older woman smoke in the house, and she usually scowled at this time of day as loved to start the day with a cigarette.

                “You’re looking happy Aunty, that’s a bonus.”

Lucy gave her a grin, “you should be the one looking happy. Heard the door about an hour ago...”

Martha hated that a blush was creeping up her neck, “milkman.” She offered. “Heard him bump the door thought it was someone knocking!” She hated how the lies fell from her lips, but she wasn’t ready to be challenged over Sonny, not yet, and not even by Lucy.

Lucy lifted an eyebrow, “milkman...”

Martha blushed, “leave it Lucy.”

Lucy chuckled, “it’s only what I want to see.”

                “How’s the golf club?”

Martha was putting off going to see her father, so she was exhausting every avenue possible. Without a job she had nothing to do. She was tempted to start canvassing for work, but she was also happy basking in her memories of the previous night. Hence the text to Sonny.

                “He’s introduced me to everyone as his son. Wasn’t expecting that...miss you. Why aren’t you at your father’s?”

Bastard, trust him to point that out.  “Putting it off because I’m thinking about you...and last night...and this morning.”

                “Take that!” She announced to her empty lounge as she smugly pocketed her phone. She could clean the kitchen; unpack a few more boxes...

                “As amazing as I’m sure that is you NEED to go see your Dad...NOW.”

She glanced at her phone, “damn you Sonny Carter.”

Stephanie’s car was parked in the yard as Martha walked up to the house, and it filled her with dread. She hadn’t allowed herself to think about what this all meant to her, how she wanted to deal with her father. The obvious question was could she forgive him? But she knew she didn’t know the truth, not the full truth anyway.

She knocked the door with more than a little trepidation.  

The door opened and Stephanie stood there, as much as the two adults were equally to blame, and despite the fact that Steph had been so good to her all those years, she wasn’t ready to see her. She knew that Steph was more savvy than her father, that she had a lot more power, and Sonny had confirmed it had been her who had cast the first doubt on their relationship, that she’d pushed Sonny to leave her.

                “Is my father here?”

Steph had the good grace to look uncomfortable, “he’s gone to market with Eamonn and Bill.”

                “Will you tell him I called?” She made to turn away when Stephanie spoke again.

                “Martha, don’t go. We were good friends...”

Martha snapped back around, “friends? How can you say that? You told Sonny to dump me. YOU decided that you knew what was best for ME. I’ve been miserable since, I loved that boy like you wouldn’t believe, but you didn’t care about that. You and my father thought he wasn’t good enough, wasn’t good enough? The irony. He has more morals and scruples in his big toe than either of you.”

                “I’m sorry.”

Martha laughed, “sorry? Sorry that you ruined my life yet made the moves on my father yourself. Honestly, it’d be hilarious if it didn’t break my heart, I don’t know what hurts me more.”

Shaking her head she walked away, so much for reconciliation. She needed to wait until everyone knew about her and Sonny, with him beside her she could do anything, and maybe even think about forgiving them. But not before.