Trying Not to Love You - Part Ninety Three

Chapter Ninety Three

Martha stormed away from the cosy sight of Sonny and his ‘famous’ friend say eyeing up women as they walked past. She’d left her hotel with such confidence earlier. After three days of cruising the Spanish resort she was hopeful that today she’d locate him. She hadn’t expected to see him sat laughing with the man who helped him ensnare Scott and lead him to his murder. Whilst she was worried sick about him, he was sitting on a beach in Spain laughing, having fun. She had never hated him as much as she had at that moment, everything he’d said to her, every promise he’d made, every word he’d spoken, all lies.

With her head held high she covered the promenade in long confident strides. At least you found him, put your mind at rest, she tried to assure herself. That was what this trip had been about, making sure that the man you care about is safe and happy...and he is. What more was there to do? She’d left Ethan with no warning, dumping the responsibility of him onto her father, Lucy, and probably Michael too. But they ALL owed her, and she’d deserved this break, even if it was a delusional trip.

She reached the end of the road and turned left, her hotel was a few blocks away, but as she got there, a hand curled around her elbow and she didn’t have to turn to know it was Sonny, her whole body responded, instantly. She almost stumbled over at the sensations that coursed through her, electric, jaw dropping, and obviously knee buckling. Fortunately he was there, strong holding on to her arm. When she regained her footing she shrugged him off, stepped away and then finally turned to look at him.

He looked amazing, except for the beer stain on his chest, a tan did wonderful things to him, and she’d never seen him in shorts, flip-flops, a casual t-shirt. He carried it well, he was usually so aloof, so dark, that this stark contrast surprised her.

                “What are you doing here?” He was staring at her, intently, as though he was drinking in the sight of her.

She shook her head, breaking the spell, “I came because I was worried, but I can see I didn’t have to worry. Right. Bye.”

As she turned once again to leave him, her emotions barely intact, he reached for her again, “Martha, don’t run off. Stop, have a drink?”

She laughed, rolling her eyes, “a drink? I’m ok thanks. I’ve got to get ready to go home...this was only ever a quick visit.”

                “You heard about her?”

He almost spat the words out, and she nodded a reply, “though I found out when I was in a London club four days ago and I just happened to bump into James. Imagine how it felt finding out what happened from him? I thought you had more respect for me than that.”

He sighed, “I’ve only been thinking of myself, I’m sorry.”

Again she nodded, “ok, well. I have to go Carter...”

Sonny hated the hurt, the pain in her voice, and the way she was avoiding him. He wished she’d take those damn glasses off so he could see her eyes, then he could see how she was really feeling, what she was thinking, because he was struggling to follow her cues. She was here, and that was a miracle in itself, but then she was angry, about to run away.

                “Martha, you can’t run away....”

As she gave him an enigmatic smile, she said, “I came to check on you, I was concerned...”

He grabbed her with both hands, uncaring that they were getting looks from passersby, “don’t do that, don’t be like this.”

She shook her head, “I came here...let me go Carter, please.”

He didn’t want to let her go, he was having rather carnal thoughts about her, he wished they were anywhere but the busy main street in the middle of the busy resort.

                “Can we talk in private? We’re getting looks...”

That made Martha laugh, though again it wasn’t a true laugh, “that’s because you are manhandling me.”

Sonny dropped his arms, then shook his head, “it’s because you are the most amazing looking woman in the whole place.”

The flattery floored her and she floundered for an answer for a moment, “you know I’m not about to fall for cheap one liners. I’m staying at the Hotel Park Campari, room 325, if you want to see me come there in an hour. But if you’re just going to feed me bullshit then I’m not interested, ok?”

Sonny shook his head, he had no intention of letting her out of her sight, “I’m coming with you now, and you will listen to me, you hear?”

Turning she stomped off ahead of him and for Sonny it was a sign, anger was as good as any emotion, and a hell of a lot more promising than the indifference of earlier. And from two paces behind her he could watch those dreamy legs as she strode purposefully in front of him, and the wiggle of her arse. He’d never concentrate on an argument with her dressed like that.

Johnny had been stunned when she’d doused him in beer, and for a moment he’d been angry, but it was literally a split second. He’d avoided her for lots of reasons, some he wasn’t even sure of himself, but he knew suddenly that he couldn’t let her run away, even if they were destined never to be together, he needed to make this right, make her understand.

They moved into the hotel and she collected her key, then they waited for one of the block of elevators to arrive. Inside they were joined by an elderly couple, so they had no chance to talk. Instead they stood next to each other shoulder to shoulder until Martha realised that Sonny was staring at her breasts, she knew she shouldn’t have worn just her bikini top, but it was too late for that.

On her floor, she led him to the room, then opened the door. As it closed behind him, she crossed the room and reached for a vest top, pulling it over her half nudity.

                “How did you find me?”

                “Why didn’t you come to me?”

They both spoke at the same time, Martha sighed, “Michael said you’d walked out, no one knew where you were, then a bank statement came to the pub. I opened it and saw you’d used your bank card at three cash points and a supermarket in this resort. As I flew here I plotted them on a map, I knew you were within a hale square mile, but this is my fourth day of looking. I was going to give up tomorrow.”

                “See you were looking for a second career, who’d have thought it could be as PI?”

He gave her a dazzling smile, but she wasn’t falling for it.

                “Why didn’t you come home?”

Sighing, he dropped his head back, looking up to the ceiling, “it’s complicated.”

                “Is it? I LOVE you, you said you love me. It has killed me being apart from you, then I find out that you aren’t chained to another destiny, that you’re free and I presumed that you would want to be with me, that you’d come home. And you didn’t...you chose to sit in the sun with your mate, THAT mate, laughing and eyeing up the talent.”

Lifting his head again to look at her, he shook his head, “YOU were the only woman who caught my eye today, the sexiest woman I’ve ever seen. You look amazing, though maybe you’ve lost a little too much weight.”

That made her snort with suppressed laughter, the arrogant bastard, trying to ignore the questions with flattery, “lost weight? I’ve been broken hearted. I’ve not slept for weeks, I barely eat, I have spent my days worrying about everyone else, anything to avoid thinking of the man who left me, ripping my heart out as he went.” Her voice was rising as she stepped up to him, “and forgive me if I can’t understand why the moment you’re free of your responsibilities, you didn’t call me...you didn’t send me a message. I can see you’d need your time...but you SHOULD have told me.”

He groaned, “it wasn’t any easier for me. Every day away from you was hell.”

                “So why didn’t you come back?”

Martha was struggling to hold to her tears, but they were of anger and frustration, not pain and suffering, for a change. Her hands were clenched in fists at her side. “There are a lot of reasons, a lot of things...I had to admit that I’d made such a huge mistake...”

                “So it was pride?” she snapped incredulously.

Shaking his head he lowered himself down onto the bed, “I questioned everything...I was confused, suddenly I had to challenge my instinct, it’s all I had for years, and it let me down. I didn’t know who I was anymore.”

                “So because she tricked you, you doubted me? You doubted all that we’d been through?”

He groaned, “yes...no. I don’t know!” He placed his hands over his face for a moment, “I don’t know really know.”

                “Well start thinking buster, because you have exactly twenty minutes before I leave here...you...for good.”

                “I chose her,” he offered quietly, “and it was the wrong thing. I couldn’t get the look on your face as you left me out of my head, I made you so sad, gave you so much pain, and Ethan. I love you both, but I only ever bring you pain. I’ve been trying to work out what I wanted, but all I kept thinking was I made the wrong choices, not just over Jade, but all the time. Your father was right all those months ago. I’m not good enough for you, you deserve so much more.”

She shook her head, “that is such a copout Carter, hiding behind self pity. Even now as we’re about to part, never see each other again and you still can’t tell me the truth?” She was shouting, and he responded at a shout too. They had always argued, and no one frustrated her as much as he did.

When he finally replied it was at a similar volume to her voice, “I’m telling you the thoughts that I’ve managed to decipher from the quagmire where my brain used to be, I wanted to do the right thing...and I remember when you walked out on me...you said you wouldn’t ever want to see me again. I couldn’t forget that.”

Martha shook her head, “I said I COULDN’T see you,” she was shouting again but she didn’t care. “Not I wouldn’t. It would have hurt me, to see you with her, not me. Because I love you. For what it’s worth. I sacrificed you, and it felt like everything...then I find out that you had the chance to rectify it all, and you didn’t.” Taking a breath she fought the tears that threatened to fall. “Would you have ever come back? If I hadn’t found you.”

When he shrugged, she turned away from him, he was like a closed book, she knew nothing about him, if he couldn’t make her understand him then there was no future for them.

                “You still don’t trust me.” The tears started to roll down her cheeks, “after all that has happened, you still don’t trust me, you still retreat into yourself like a lonely child. It’s selfish, YOU’RE selfish. I can’t live with that. This is over.”

She watched as he jumped to his feet, rushed across to her, “don’t say that.”

                “Ha, you would never have come find me. Would you?”

He stared at her, “I was deciding today, what I was going to do.”

                “I shouldn’t be a decision based on a coin toss. If you love me you should move heaven and earth to be with me. Even now you’re not ready for that. Are you?”

Sonny watched as she opened the wardrobe and started to pull items of clothing from it, and toss them into the suitcase that sat open on a stand. If she could hear his heart rate increase, his breathing become more erratic. He was panicking, and he didn’t like it. But he couldn’t watch her walk away, not now.

                “I’m scared!” That made her stop, made her look up at him and her tear ravaged face made him carry on. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath, “I’m scared of doing the wrong thing again, of hurting you, hurting Ethan, I’m scared of making the wrong decisions and I’m scared of losing you and never seeing you again. But I’m stubborn, I’ve only ever had me to deal with, and I find it hard to think about being part of a couple,” he paused. “When I was with Jade I didn’t care about her, it was a farce, but that was easy and I screwed it up, with you...I’m scared of what it all means, how I learn to do the right thing. I’ve screwed EVERYTHING up, every opportunity in my life I’VE ruined, I want better for you.”

Finally he opened his eyes, and it was to find Martha stood in front of him, “all I’ve ever wanted is the truth.” At long last she was calm, and she lifted her hand to cup his cheek, “you once accused me of being scared, and you were right, I am scared every day. For so many things, but you have to risk things, you have to BE scared. That’s what life is all about.”

He shook his head, “I’ve lived my life being scared...” She tried to touch his arm but he snatched it away, shouting, “I don’t know how to do this!”

It was pure instinct that she lashed out, punched his chest, “god you KILL me, get over yourself and this self pity. Will you? I always thought you were caring, considerate, despite what everyone else thought, but you’re not! You’re just like the rest, aren’t you?”

He grabbed her hand trying to stop the punches she was raining down on his body, then stared at her.  

For Martha, her tears turned to laughter she was trying desperately to hide, he was staring at her in such a devoted way, so distraught, so confused, so passionate, and that was what she wanted. To know that he cared, to know that none of this was easy for him, and she saw it there.

As he still wrestled her hands, desperate to be in control of something, anything, she did the only thing she could, she rose up on to her tiptoes and kissed him, planting her lips on his. And it was like an explosion.