Trying Not to Love You - Part Eighty Seven

Chapter Eighty Seven

Three weeks had passed, or was it four. Martha no longer knew, she lived day to day, managing each as best she could. Michael had taken Ethan to say goodbye to Sonny, his uncle when he left the following day, Martha had stayed at home scrubbing the kitchen floor with bleach until her fingers bled from the chemicals. When they got back Ethan rushed into his bedroom to find his favourite toys to show his grandfather, leaving the two adults alone.

                “He didn’t want to go. Even now...”

Martha nodded avoiding his eyes, “I can’t talk about it...about him.” She didn't know where he was going or what he was planning to do. It wasn't easier that way, it was the only way. She had to look after herself and that meant avoiding all knowledge of Sonny...and Jade.  

                “He wants you to run the pub, now that he’s gone. He said you’d be perfect for it, and it would be perfect for you. I’ve talked to your father, that’s what we both want.”

She met his eyes finally, and gave a small nod, “if that’s what you all want.”

Michael had felt her sadness, she could tell, and this wasn’t easy for him, he was losing another son. But why couldn’t she be left to wallow in her own self pity and misery? Why did everyone want to fix her? 
Having had such an unplanned drop into her position running the place, she took a little while to settle in, but the first day had passed hectically but uneventfully.  Ethan had stayed at the flat with Lucy, which was a godsend; it was so confusing for him and her Aunt provided the stability that he needed. As she was starting to close up for the evening, happy that her and the staff had kept things going, she looked up to see her father stood at the bar. There was hardly anyone else left it the bar, thankfully, because as soon as she saw him she started to cry, three days worth of emotions, tears, sobs, the lot.  All onto his shoulder.

When she finally pulled herself together...a little, she lifted her head to see that Pam the bar maid had ushered everyone out and locked the two of them in. Her father was studying her, intently.

                “Are you ok?”

She nodded as a few more tears escaped, “I love him Dad, more than anything.”

He smiled, “and he’s done the right thing?”

Suddenly she looked at her father in a new light, he knew what she was going through, “tell me about Mum...and Stephanie?”

The time was right for them both.

With a shot of brandy each, they sat on adjacent bar stools, “I loved your mother to distraction, I really did. When you were born life was complete. But she got post natal depression, Baby Blues they called it then, no one understood things...she was suicidal. She hated me, sometimes hated you. No one else saw her as I did, I worried people would think I was making up her symptoms.

                “Stephanie was her best friend, when she came to stay...you were maybe two, she saw how things were.” he sighed, “it was such a relief to know that it wasn’t me that was crazy. I spoke to doctors, health people, but as she wasn’t a danger to herself there was nothing anyone could do. So I battled on, trying to manage everything. When we opened the restaurant she got better for a while. She was happy, my wife again, and your mother.” Martha sighed, she'd had no idea. No clue. Her father had kept this hidden from her all those years both when she was living amongst both parents, but also in the decades since. How had he managed that?

He smiled at her confused expression, “we had a great summer, trips to the sea, camping. SO much fun...” He stood to find the bottle of brandy and refilled their glasses. Then sat back down.

                “You remember that?" She nodded. "But it all got bad again...worse than ever. Your mother rarely got out of bed, you were left alone...I called Stephanie, and she dropped everything to move in here for a while. And over those weeks we got close. I hated betraying your mother, hated that I was falling in love with a woman who cared about me, who sat up waiting for me to come home to hear how my day had been, or made me breakfast. It was the first time in years that someone paid attention to me. And I know it was wrong.” He rubbed his hands across his eyes, “I sent Stephanie away, we both had guilt on SO many levels.”

Martha was stunned, she was listening to a story that seemed like a TV show or a movie, but it wasn’t. This was her life, her family, her parents. And it had all happened without her knowing. Suddenly the simple man she'd always seen her father as wasn't there, he was a complex man who battled his demons on a daily basis.

                “You tried again? With Mum?” She finally managed.

He nodded, “what could I do? I had you...then your mother got pregnant, it was a miracle almost in its own right. Most days she wouldn’t speak to me. I tried to get help again, but she was good at acting normal whenever she went anywhere resembling medical, and especially the antenatal appointments. Then she disappeared. I didn’t know where she was, so I called Stephanie. She’d gone there, told her all manner of stories about me, but fortunately Steph knew how things were. So she brought her home...”

Martha reached out to touch his arm as he gasped, suddenly overcome with emotion, “we didn’t go near each other I swear, she stayed with us, but we went out of our way to avoid each other. But one night...” he looked down and she knew he was ravaged by emotion. Suddenly the past didn’t matter, she loved her father and she could tell he was crushed, that he’d lived in guilt all his life. When she placed her hand on his shoulder, he glanced up and she realised he had to tell her the story, it was imperative to him.

                “She heard us talking, late one night; we were trying to make sense of what had happened between us. The attraction was huge and it was hard for us both to fight it. But I swear NOTHING happened. Your mother heard enough of the conversation that she ran out screaming, climbed in a car and drove off into the distance. She crashed a few miles away, they got her to hospital, but she died before they could stabilise her, and they couldn’t save your brother either.”

He was crying freely, “there’s not a day goes by that I don’t regret what happened, I wish that I’d never spent time with Stephanie, and I’ve lived with the knowledge that they both died because of me, we’ve both lived that way. Everyone said it was an accident, but I don't know, I can't help but think that she crashed on purpose in a moment of self loathing." He sighed, "I always told you she died when she was pregnant with your brother and you somehow morphed that into her dying during childbirth. I didn't want to upset you...I'm sorry for that too."
Martha sighed, "I don't blame you for that..."
He looked so broken as he took her hands, "I swear that when Steph came here at Christmas it was the first time I’d seen her in twenty years. Not since your mother's funeral. And she’s even more beautiful than she was then. She’s not a bad person...I’m the bad one.” He insisted. "I did this."

Martha smiled pulling him into a hug, “we can’t help who we fall in love with, I wish I’d known, that you hadn’t lied...but I can understand why you did it. Lie that is. I’m sorry.”

He shook his head, “I’m sorry, I feel so ashamed, that you caught us...that we did anything in the first place.”

Martha sighed, “what is it with us sacrificing love for responsibility?”

                “Why did you let him go? You love him.”

She nodded, “but Jade’s pregnant. What can I do? All Sonny’s ever wanted is his own family. This is his chance.”

  “Leaving town?  Moving away from all he knows? Doesn’t sound like it’s what he wants.”

                “I can’t have any more kids Dad; I had an infection...after Ethan. I can’t give him that...”

It still pained her to think that, to know that her infertility was instrumental in her losing Sonny, and she hated Scott that little bit more. It was her father’s turn to hug her. And they held each other for a long time. When they pulled back, Martha smiled at him, “go make it right with Stephanie. You two have tortured yourselves for too long.”

                “What about you?”

She smiled, “I’m a big girl, and I’ve got Ethan...and you. I’m richer than so many more people.”

Since that day she’d fallen into a routine of dropping Ethan to school then clearing up in the bar, restocking, preparing for the day. She’d open up, work until it was time to pick Ethan up, then return to the pub when he was in bed. Michael visited repeatedly and told her to move into the pub, take the home as her own, but she wasn’t keen. It was too soon, and it had been Sonny's home, not hers.
She didn’t ask about him, and Michael didn’t offer anything but she saw Sonny in every part of the pub, memories that were still fresh and vivid. Not knowing where he was, how he was doing was better. If she was busy she didn’t think about him too much, and that was the best way. The only way.

Her father and her had a rejuvenated relationship, but he hadn’t gone to see Stephanie, and she hadn’t spoken to the woman who until recently had been ironically like a mother to her. When he arrived that lunchtime, a regular occasion for him since she’d taken over the pub a few weeks earlier, she realised how sad he looked, suddenly she knew that he really had suffered enough.

                “Invite her up.” She said placing a drink in front of him.

He looked up, “what?”

                “Well if you go down to London I’ll have to feed all your bloody animals, and with this place, the flat and Aunt Lucy there aren’t enough hours in the day! So she’ll have to come to you.”

                “Who?”

Martha took a deep breath, “Stephanie. Invite her up. I’ll cook us all dinner, next Sunday. Pam will hold the fort here in the evening.”

                “Lucy won’t...”

           “I’ll deal with Lucy. It’s about time we all started to be grown up about this, and just because I’m tortured in love doesn’t mean everyone else has to be. ”

He looked unconvinced, so Martha added, “I've had weeks to think about what you told me, and you’ve been apart long enough...I am over all my anger. And I don’t want to see anyone else moping around needlessly.”

Carl laughed, “so you get the monopoly on pain in love?”

She chuckled, the first laugh she’d managed since Sonny had left, “something like that.”

Her father reached out and covered her hand, “I miss him too. This place isn’t the same without him.”

And within seconds that laughter became tears. Sighing she nodded then rushed off somewhere quiet, alone to compose herself.

On a rare night off, as work seemed to keep her mind from wandering to Sonny, Martha made dinner for her and Lucy and sat in the small dining room with her.

                “I’ve invited Dad and Stephanie over for dinner, Sunday evening.” Lucy had a week's notice, it was time to get used to the idea Martha figured.

Lucy stopped mid mouthful of what was delicious chicken pasta, and stared at her niece for a moment.

                “Don’t look at me like that, I told you I’ve forgiven him, and you two need to speak, and Steph too. Nothing is ever as it seems and I believe them, about what happened.”

Lucy dropped her head, and Martha covered a hand with hers, “it doesn’t bring back my mother, your sister...nothing will, but I don’t think she’d want us to fill our lives with hate, would she?”

Lucy was silent for a moment, then looked up at Martha, tears in her eyes, “oh I don’t know, she was a real spoilt brat most of her life, she’d love this drama, it’s just her thing.”

Smiling sadly Martha filled their wine glasses, “I wish things were different, but they’re not. So we have to get on, there’s enough heartache in the world.”

Lucy sighed, then carried on with her dinner, and Martha knew that was as close to acceptance and agreement as it got.

It was time alone that was her worst enemy. Her life felt empty, and when Ethan wasn’t running rings around her, or she wasn't working or cooking for Aunt Lucy, she had nowhere to hide. And she had sobbed herself to sleep so many nights. So she stopped sleeping, or rather avoided going to bed until the early hours, then got up at the crack of dawn with her son. She was exhausted, but her mind was too tired to repeatedly fill with pain, and that was definitely the lesser of two evils. And to occupy her mind, she searched for Henry Carmichael. Lucy’s old beau. The hope was that if she found him at least Lucy could get over it. She seemed to be stuck in the past. If she found out what he was doing, where he was, what had happened to him, then maybe she’d move on, because in her head she seemed stuck in a time where she lost Henry and her sister, and hated everything to do with that. Maybe dealing with him, getitng past things would help her tolerate her father and Stephanie once again. It was simple logic, but it was all that she had.

Over the last week she had taken so much trawling of facebook, ancestry sites and electoral registry, but finally she had a hit, the right age, the right place of birth and the right feel about it. Henry Walton, a retired pub landlord of all things, lived in a town less then ninety minutes away.

The next day when Lucy was out for her Wednesday shopping day, Martha sneaked into her room. It took ages to find the boxes that stored her Aunt's photos and other items from the past, and ages again until she found some photos of Lucy as a youngster. She didn’t know when she’d get to go and look for Henry, but she wanted to be prepared, and knew that an old photo would be the link she needed. 
That was her new ethos, like a boy scout, be prepared, be ready for anything. There was no way she was going to be caught out, floored emotionally like she had been with Jade.

She sat back on her heels, just thinking of that woman made Martha feel sick. Would she ever get over it? Would she ever recover? Would she ever love again? She doubted that there was much of her heart left undamaged, so it was unlikely. Maybe she'd become Lucy, bitter and twisted when it came to love and ruing the hand of fate that had seen her lose Sonny. She took a deep breath, she hoped not.

Pocketing the photos she put everything back in its place, then headed to the pub. Work, work and more work, that was the way.

Paul was covering the afternoon shift and he smiled as she approached, “you ok?”

She nodded, “good. Been busy?”

He shrugged, “not enough to warrant paying me.”

That made Martha laugh and Paul did too,” you don’t laugh much...”

“So much going on I barely have time to breathe!”

As she passed him Paul circled her wrist with his hand, restraining her, “you can’t always run away from everything, sometimes you need to talk, or to scream and shout...I’m here if I can help.”

Smiling Martha gave him a hug, “you’re my right hand man, and that is invaluable. I’m ok. I’ll survive.”

It was no answer, but it was all that he had.

Michael liked Claridge's, he always had, a bit of class in this tardy world. Was eighty pounds for a shot of forty year old vintage whiskey expensive? He didn’t care, it was like drinking warm nectar and he savoured every mouthful. Nodding to the barman he ordered another one as the seat next to him was suddenly occupied.

                “Make that two, one for my son here.” Looking to his right he smiled at Sonny who gave a half smile back.

With the drinks deposited and the barman busy elsewhere, Michael, eyes still on his drink asked, “how are you doing?”

Sonny grabbed his glass and forcing a little restraint he sipped the glass, “as you’d imagine. A thirty year old man doesn’t get work easily when he has little experience and no qualifications. I’m a loser, and not just a loser, a loser with a dependent woman and a baby on the way.” 
He couldn’t bring himself to refer to Jade as anything but the nuisance that she really was. She was hardly a girlfriend, he didn’t love her, especially now that she was whining all day, moaning that she couldn’t drink, couldn’t party because she was pregnant, almost as though she resented it, it only became harder for him to tolerate her. He shuddered at the memory of this morning, he'd been fastening his tie in the chipped bathroom mirror when she'd come up an wrapped her arms around him, writhing against him like a rabid dog. He wasn't attracted to her, had no interest in more than being a father to this child, but the moment had turned into an angry confrontation when he'd rejected her attempts to initiate something physical, something sexual.

                “I’ve told you I can help with the job...”

Sonny looked up at his father and shook his head, “the fact that you subbed me a large amount to see us survive is more than I deserve. I didn’t want this, to be sponging off you within weeks of being in touch with you.”

Michael sighed, “I want you to be safe, I don’t want you back in that life Sonny, I don’t want to lose you to prison, or worse. It’s a small price to pay. I have contacts...”

He shook his head again, “I'm not about to go back down that road, honest. I've distanced myself from it a long time ago. Anyway I’ve got an interview this afternoon, a bar manager. Money’s crap, but hopefully can afford rent if I get it.”

Michael nodded, then added, “Well you scrub up well if it’s any consolation; they even let you in Claridge’s. That’s something that would have never happened a year ago.”

Sonny sighed, trying to ignore what had made that change happen...or rather who. He'd dressed in his best suit and that had been appreciated by Jade who'd tried to pull him into bed before he left...though he had no intention of going there. “That’s true, but if you weren’t paying there’s no way I’d tolerate these prices.”

Michael laughed and lifted his glass, watching the lights course through the amber liquid, “you get what you pay for in life, that’s for sure.”

Half an hour later Michael watched Sonny walk away, he’d not mentioned Jade, barely the baby, but more worrying, he hadn’t asked after Martha. He wished not for the first time that he had a magic wand and could make things better.