Trying Not to Love You - Part Ninety Two

Chapter Ninety Two

Martha watched the world disappear to miniature portions as the plane flew higher and higher. She closed her eyes, she had no objection to flying, but the anxiety befuddling her brain and the bile bubbling in her throat were unsettling her stomach. And the last thirty six hours had been nothing short of crazy.

From the minute James had mentioned Sonny Martha had been like a dog with a bone.

                “What do you mean? What about Sonny?” James seemed to think he’d come home...to her. But he hadn’t. So she immediately had feared the worst. Injury, illness, accident, they all ran through her brain as she ignored Tim, the man who’d spent forty minutes chatting her up, and she pinned James against the wall. “Tell me what happened.”

He dropped his eyes, “Jade...she came to me a couple of weeks ago, desperate crying...” he sighed. “She lied to him, told him she was pregnant to make him leave you. She managed to keep the secret for a while, but he found out and left. Just walked out abandoning her. She’s desolate, she has nothing left.”

A huge wait lifted off her shoulders in that split second as she watched James’ lips move as he spoke, but the words seemed to take a long time to register with her.

                “You want me to feel sorry for your lying cheating sister?” She was on the verge of punching something, someone. “She deliberately lied to force Sonny into choosing her, and that left ME alone, where’s your sympathy for me?” James looked embarrassed and Tim, until a few minutes earlier very keen on her, had moved away from her, but then she was aware that she looked crazy. But her anger was immeasurable, both at what Jade had done, and the fact that James was trying to justify her actions.

But there was no baby, there was no Jade anymore, but there WAS Sonny. He’d be so betrayed, so angry and hurt, she knew that Sonny too well. And he hadn’t come to her.  The thought immediately quashed any sense of destiny.

Looking up at James she demanded, “when was this?”

He shrugged; surprised that she didn’t know any of this, “it happened a week last Sunday...”

Almost two weeks. Two weeks and he hadn’t contacted her, fourteen days of freedom and he hadn’t come to her? She shook her head in despair. “Tell me EVERYTHING you know...NOW!”

And he had, but it wasn’t much.

As Martha had sought out Jack, insisted they go home, one question ran repeatedly through her brain, ‘why didn’t he call me?’ Mike was sat in the lounge watching a film on the satellite movie channel and looked up when they burst in.

                “Good night? You’re earlier than I thought. You didn’t have to rush home.” The words froze on his lips as he spotted Martha’s face.

He looked at Jack who rolled his eyes dropping in to the seat next to him, both watching as Martha paced manically, then turned to the other man, “she’s just found out that HE isn’t going to be a Daddy, and he’s dumped Fake tits and tan.”

Mike grinned, “that’s good right?”

Martha stopped dead, “it SHOULD be, but where is he??? He hasn’t called, he hasn’t come back. What the fucking hell has happened?”

Jack rolled his eyes again, “I’ve had little else out of her since she saw the bitch’s brother.”

Mike was clearly struggling to keep up, “I don’t understand.”

At that Martha once again stopped in front of him, “he found a week Sunday...today is Saturday.” She groaned glancing at her watch, “no, TODAY is now Sunday.” She counted out the days on her fingers, “FOURTEEN DAYS! Where is he? What has gone on?” She flaked dramatically into the armchair opposite them and felt like crying.

No one had any answer, and hours after the two men went to bed, Martha could barely sleep. The following morning, she’d dragged Ethan off before breakfast and was driving him to the flat before ten. Once he was settled with a dozy Aunt Lucy, she drove to Michael’s. James had mentioned Michael in his over verbal explanation of the events, so he was her only lead. She regretted letting James leave the club, she should have pinned him down for more information, but she hadn’t.

Parking Herman in the large sprawling driveway, she jumped out of the car and bounded up the steps. She didn’t wait for Derek to open the door, instead she burst in, moving from room to room, shouting out his name as she went. Emerging from the dining room back to the hall, she was finally rewarded with Michael coming down the stairs towards her, his pale face etched with fear.

                “You’ve heard from him.” He sounded almost resigned; his voice frail where normally it was strong and clear. But she didn’t have time or energy to deal with his anxiety too.

Martha stalked towards him shaking her head, “NO, I haven’t, and I’ve heard fuck all from you!”

He flushed at that, “look Martha...”

Martha wasn’t ready to hear anything, “No ‘look Martha’, you KNEW that Jade wasn’t having his baby, yet you said nothing? I thought we were friends. You KNOW how things were; you KNOW what happened, how he felt.”

Michael shook his head, “nothing was ever that straight forward.”

Standing up to him, leaning into his personal space she snarled, “did you or did you not find out that Jade wasn’t pregnant?”

He groaned again, “things are never that simple.”

She shook her head, “they are to me. I love him Michael, and I NEED him. My life is nothing without him, and the fact that he hasn’t come back here means he needs ME. IS that what you hate that it’s me he wants?”

Michael shook his head, “we’re only starting out Martha, we’ve hardly got a strong relationship.”

                “Where is he?”

Michael shrugged noncommittally, “I don’t know. He walked out...he hates me...”He sounded broken but Martha didn’t have time for that.

Martha started to shake her head, “I’m not interested in you, all I care about is him, I need to find him.”

                “I can’t help you Martha, I only wish I knew.”

She stared at the man for an age and he met her eyes with confidence, “ok, I believe that part...but I’m not finished with you.”

Storming out she made for Herman ransacking the recesses of her brain as she went. Where could Sonny go? Where would he hide? And WHY would he hide? Why wouldn’t he come find her?

Sonny wasn’t feeling any clearer about life. It was two weeks since he’d descended on Johnny. Since the job they’d done that had seen Scott get killed he’d stayed out in Spain. In the last six months he’d become settled. His sister Michelle was managing the nightclub they both worked in and they had a beach front apartment that had a fairly comfortable sofa. He’d spent four days staring at the wall, stopping only to drink. He wanted revenge, but he had no one he could blame or hate but himself. He’d woken up to himself somewhere in the last ten days, but now he wandered listlessly with no idea how he was going to carry on. He had lost everything and he couldn’t work out how to start over. He’d started anew so many times that this seemed like the final straw.

And he’d never been as settled as he had been in Denbrooke. The village that had finally captured him. Or rather the woman that had. He sighed then reached for his beer, he’d hurt her in SO many ways, he couldn’t go back, couldn’t risk hurting her again. Poor Ethan, him too.  He’d dipped in and out of his life so erratically, they both deserved stability, strength, he offered none of that. Those final moments with her were so fresh, she was so broken, so devastated, and STILL he chose his own morals over her. What kind of a man was he?

                “I won’t see you ever again.”

He remembered how much pain those words had caused, but Martha was right to say them, he didn’t deserve her, he never had, he could hardly run back to her, tail between his legs looking for her as second choice. He’d made his choice and that hadn’t included her. He had to accept that and move on. The fact that he didn’t want to see his ‘father’ again wasn’t a real influence to not going back, but it was another level of betrayal that made him so angry.

                “Look at you, Happy Bastard!” A set of keys, wallet and sunglasses landed on the table in front of him as Johnny laughing, lowered himself into the seat opposite him. “So are you going to spend every day sat in this bar drinking until you run out of cash?”

Sonny shrugged, “You got a better idea?”

Johnny shook his head in despair, “when I met you Carter you were the strongest person I knew, I’d never have got through the time inside if I hadn’t met you, I can’t see you give up, like this.”

Sonny laughed, “strong? You mean I can handle myself? That’s a big difference.”

                “Look you have to sort yourself out, this is sad.”

Looking around him Sonny wanted to point out that sitting looking out at the Med from a bar with obliging waitresses, if he was that way inclined - but wasn’t, was one of his more productive locations. At least he wasn’t stuck in a flat with that lying bitch or in prison. The two images were merging into one in his head as each day passed.

                “Is Michelle moaning? I know I said I’d only be here a few days...”

Johnny shook his head, “she likes you, but then most women do!”

Sonny laughed, “A month ago I’d have laughed at my prowess with the ladies, but not now.”

It had been on the morning after the fourth drunken night that Johnny forced him to face the truth. He hated sharing his emotions, but somewhere he knew he was on a mission to self destruct, and he’d told Johnny all about Jade’s antics. What he hadn’t shared was his love for Martha, the wrench that is had been leaving her, how his heart had broken and he wasn’t sure he’d ever recover. Johnny was a friend through the shit they’d both been dealt, but he wasn’t ever going to expose himself in that way. Better that Johnny think he was gutted over Jade’s betrayal.

Sonny gestured to the waitress for a couple of beers, despite what Johnny thought, he hadn’t been drinking all day, in fact he’d had breakfast and a couple of orange juices, then gone for a walk. He’d only been back at this familiar seat at the bar for an hour, and for most of that he’d been reading the paper, then checking the betting odds on his phone. The beauty of free wifi meant he had just won three hundred pounds on a race at Aintree. Bonus.

Johnny threw a beer mat on to the table between them, it had a telephone number written on it, as Sonny grabbed it, the waitress placed two bottle of beer in front of them. Nodding and paying her, Sonny waved it at Johnny, “what’s this?”

                “A guy who’s just bought a few bars about ten miles away, he’s looking for staff in various capacities, contacted Michelle...she obviously wasn’t about to give him any of her staff, but she thought of you. Gives you an option.”

Sonny looked at it for a moment then smiled, and it felt like the first time he’d smiled in weeks. “Thanks. It’s good to have options...I can either go back to London or stay here.”

Johnny sighed, “you’re ruling out going back to Denbrooke, or even Northfield?” 

He nodded, Johnny didn’t know about Michael either, “no ties there Johnny, it’s old ground or start anew.”

                “What you going to do?”

Sonny really didn’t know.

                “I think I’m going to go get changed then hit the town...there’s a man works at a club I know and he said I can get in for free.”

Johnny laughed, “you con your way around the world, don’t you!” He sipped his drink, “I’ll finish this beer then head back with you.”

They were sat on a bar above the beach, the sand separated from them by a wooden promenade, all day people paraded up and down in front of the various bars and shops that lined the walkway, strolling and enjoying the sun, or showing off in equal measure. So when Johnny gave a low and long wolf whistle, Sonny rolled his eyes behind his shades. Turning his head he followed Johnny’s eyes to see a woman, or rather a vision. She had dark hair tied in a loose plait dangling over one shoulder and she was wearing a pair of short ripped denim shorts, a white crocheted bikini top that barely concealed her ample breasts, and chunky ankle boots. She looked quirky, exciting and fun. Her eyes were hidden by shades, mirror silver aviators, but as with every visually stunning woman, he looked at her and instantly saw Martha. Her and this woman shared that casual manner, an unawareness of how many people, women and men turned their head in her wake.

She was slimmer than Martha, and tanned, but otherwise she was similar. She even had a scar on his right knee...

Sonny did a double take, then felt as though his whole world was a chess board that someone had tossed up into the air uncaring of where the pieces landed. Her relaxed manner ended when she looked in his direction, and he couldn’t miss the look of pleasure, relief that crossed her face for a brief moment before her eyebrows furrowed into a frown, and storming up to him, she reached for his bottle of beer then threw the cold amber liquid in his face before walking off in a strop.

As Johnny gasped in shock, Sonny wiped the beer from his face and hid his smile. He’d never felt more alive.