Trying Not to Love You - Part Sixty Nine

Chapter Sixty Nine

 

Sonny stood his ground, watching Michael climb out of his car and cross the muddy yard to him.

                “Tell me about her.”

It pleased Sonny that the first sign from him was concern for his mother; he had always hoped that his father, whoever he turned out to be, would remember his mother with affection, love even. That was more important - or maybe it was a distraction from how he’d feel about this.

He looked at him for a moment, as Martha and Ethan reappeared.

                “We’re off to the shop, we’ll be a while. The kettle’s on.”

She smiled at the two men as Ethan waved.

                “She knows?” Michael asked a little surprised.

Sonny nodded, “she knows everything about me.” He spotted the older man flinch at that, and he was glad to inflict a little discomfort on him. “Do you want a coffee?”

Michael nodded, “I need something.” Waving to Derek they both watched the car drive off, then made for the kitchen.

                “So Catherine. Tell me about her?”

Sonny started to fill the mugs with coffee, “the letter explained. She never recovered from you. She wasn’t a great mother, depression and sadness changed her.” He dropped his eyes for a moment, “she died when I was eight.”

                “But it wasn’t good before that.”

Sonny laughed, “it was out of the frying pan into the fire. The care system isn’t the easiest place to survive.”

Michael swiped at his eyes for a moment, “I never knew. She never told me about you.” Sonny gave a little nod, watching his father intently. “I did end things dramatically, but I was told I had to marry Camilla, my wife. It wasn’t my choice, and it came out of the blue. You may be angry that I just left your mother...but that was how it had to be. It was a different time then.”

                “So you believe me?”

Michael sighed, looking at the photo still clutched in his fingers. “I loved her,” he lifted the image, not really acknowledging his question. “More than anything. Camilla was an old flame, I’d left home got away from my family and Camilla had been part of that past. In London I had freedom, working, living, shedding the responsibility of my upbringing. But she turned up one day, Scott in her arms. I knew he was mine; it was obvious from day one. And I had to do the right thing, I was a coward.” He dropped his head, “but Catherine, she was so vibrant, so confident. I had no idea that she’d fall apart.”

Sonny had moved to the far corner of the kitchen, whilst this man was obviously grief stricken, he himself couldn’t ignore the feelings that this confession was causing. His poor mother. All his life he’d resented her, resented that she’d failed him, that she’d allowed depression and alcohol to dominate her life, that he’d been second place, unloved, unfed and unwanted. AS Michael confessed to doing wrong by his mother he fought the desire to hit him, to share the hurt that his desertion had caused.  Instead Sonny turned and left the room, escaping out of the utility room. He couldn’t breathe until he hit the cold fresh air of the yard. Pain almost blinding his eyes. This wasn’t the reaction he wanted, he had imagined being the picture of cold calculated calmness as his father explained himself, instead he was engulfed with unwanted yet familiar emotions, feelings that had bubbled under the surface all his life.

Hearing a noise he looked up to see Michael emerge from the backdoor and walk towards him.

                “This was never going to be easy Sonny.”

Lifting his chin, meeting the gaze from his father, he sighed, “nothing in life ever is.”

                “I’m sorry for whatever my role in this was. I...” He wiped at his eyes, a gesture Sonny was already beginning to recognise as a sign of him being stressed.

                “Sorry doesn’t come close though, does it? “ Sonny started to pace, “you abandoned my mother, broke her, you never bothered to check how she was...”

Michael shook his head, “I had no idea she was pregnant, that you even existed.”

                “And if she had told you? Would you have stuck by her?”

He had the decency to look embarrassed at that, “probably not, I had to marry Camilla...but I wouldn’t have abandoned you Sonny. I’d have always recognised you, looked after you.”

Suddenly Sonny realised why his mother had never told Michael that he existed, “that would have been amazing for my mother, hey? You only caring about a bastard child, not the woman who bore him. No wonder she didn’t tell you.”

                “I get that I’m in a no win here, I did the wrong thing, I was young, I had family responsibility weighing down on me, maybe now in this more liberal age I’d have done things differently. This is hard for me to deal with too you know.”

                “Hard? You don’t know the meaning of the word, because I can assure you not knowing where your next meal is coming from is hard, as is trying to wake your dead mother when you come home from school at eight to find her un-wakeable. Hard is eight years in care. Hard is me, MY life, so forgive me if I have no sympathy for your gilded cage clattering around you.”

Michael sighed, “I can’t apologise, I can’t undo things, but can we try and work this out, try to salvage something?”

Sonny shrugged, his dreams had seen a faceless man standing with open arms, welcoming him unconditionally into his world, and him slotting in like he’d never been away. But those were the fantasies of the little vulnerable boy in him, and were as unrealistic as expecting the man in front of him to know what to do.

                “I want that.” Sonny’s voice was quiet, “it’s what I’ve always wanted.”

Michael extended a hand, “we can only take small steps, hey?”

Sonny nodded and accepted both the sentiment and the hand.

                “Thought that maybe something special was in order!”

They both looked up to see Martha coming towards them, a bottle of champagne in one hand, Ethan’s hand in her other. Ethan skipped over to the two men and was immediately torn as to which one he wanted to speak tom be fussed by, so instead he offered them a hand each.

                “I want to play ‘Guess Who’, will you play with me?”

When he looked up at them both adoringly, they laughed. As they made for the house, Sonny turned to Martha and mouthed, ‘thank you’, for what exactly he didn’t know, but he owed her everything, he knew that.

They were all sat at the kitchen table drinking the champagne, Michael and Ethan teamed up against Sonny playing Ethan’s favourite board game when the back door opened and Carl sauntered in.

Immediately he was defensive, “what are you doing here?” He glared at first Michael, and then Martha who was making dinner.

                “We’ve all got to get along Dad, ok?”

He stared at Michael again, “you stopped your ridiculous claims then?”

Michael sighed, “I was wrong Carl, ok? I lost my son...I don’t want to lose Ethan too.”

                “Threatening them was wrong.”

He nodded, “I know that, and I’ve apologised.”

No one mentioned the newly identified relationship, it was Sonny’s news to tell, not Martha’s and even Michael. A silence hit the room and everyone was aware of it. But still Sonny kept his head down.

                “Has he got glasses?” Ethan’s voice cut through the room and all the adults chuckled at his complete disregard for the tension that had been so palpable.

                “NO!” Sonny answered, and that led to Ethan flipping down half a dozen of the characters on his board.

Carl gave an awkward smile then left the room, and it was then that Sonny stood, “I’m going to go and talk to him.”

In his absence Michael looked at Martha, “I am sorry. I don’t know what came over me; I’ve not been right since Scott...” He shook his head.

                “Sonny isn’t Scott.”

He nodded, “I know that. I don’t know how I feel about all this, but I owe that man a lot. I can tell that.”

                “He might be adult, independent, but he’s had a hard time, inside he’s got a fragile vulnerability, he never had family, anyone to love for him, something we all take for granted, all his life he’s been alone. If you don’t want to do this, be part of him, then leave now. He won’t take this level of rejection Michael, he needs stability, to build, and you are about to break down all his defences.”

He sighed, “you really love him don’t you.”

She shook her head firmly, Sonny was Ethan’s uncle, they needed each other in their lives, she wasn’t going to allow things to become complicated by reigniting something between them, she was adamant about that, “I care about him, but no more than that, our relationship is over, the past, but I won’t see you hurt him.”

Sonny about to re-enter the kitchen heard that, the denial that she loved him and the definite declaration that they’d never be lovers again and pain lanced through him. It was a day for emotional rollercoasters, and this was yet another surge down into depressive hell. When would life become easier? As he stood there coping with the words, he took a deep breath, the only way he could deal with things was to steel himself against the pain, a pain that only Martha was capable of causing.

                “So are you going to ask Michael to come here for Christmas?”

Martha was in the kitchen and shouted through to Sonny who was ironing a shirt in the utility room. A week had passed since he'd told Michael the truth and though things were tentative; they’d seen each other a few times and got along so far. They were both wary of the other, understandably so, but at least they were heading in the right direction.

Coming into the kitchen, bare-chested, he slid his arms into the sleeves of the pressed shirt and stood in front of Martha. She tried to avert her eyes; she wasn’t ready to stare at that delicious body, the smooth muscular chest that still haunted her dreams.

                “It’s just another day...”

She shook her head, “it’s not. Ethan would like him here, but I’m not about to invite him if you don’t want.” He looked nonplussed for a moment so she added, “it’s the right thing to do, and you have to make the effort here.”

HE shrugged, “ok then, I’ll ask him. But this is your idea.”

Martha sighed, “bloody hell man, what is it with you? Invite your father for Christmas dinner.”

He’d finished buttoning his shirt and was sliding his arms into his suit jacket. As always he wore it so well, he looked amazing and she was jealous for a moment of him going out and enjoying himself.

Sunday meant the restaurant was closed. Martha had spent the day preparing for Christmas Day...it was only four days away and she had a lot to do. Sonny on the other hand had fallen asleep on the sofa after breakfast and then watched the football on TV with Ethan. Her father hadn’t done much more. Typical men. Only Lucy thought to help her out with anything Christmas related.

He finger combed his hair in the small mirror on the back of the door, a ridiculous act when his hair was so short, and she had a feeling it was a deliberate show to rub in the fact that he was going out...and she wasn't.

                “So where are you going?” She finally succumbed, knowing that he was waiting for her enquiry.

He turned to her and smiled, “there’s a Christmas party in the Golf Club in Northbury, there’s a loads of people going, I’m taking Jade.”

She swallowed the barb of pain that those words caused, she’d pushed him into the relationship, encouraged him to move on, but that didn’t mean she liked it.

                “Have fun,” she offered with a smile.

He stared at her for a long moment, then gave a little nod. “I will and I’ll call Michael too.”

Trying Not to Love You - Part Sixty Eight

Chapter Sixty Eight

 

The house was quiet, and Sonny was glad of that. After scrubbing himself raw, he dressed and made himself a late breakfast, porridge and coffee, just what he needed. Fortunately Martha’s car was outside and the keys were hanging on the hook inside the door. He knew she wouldn’t mind him borrowing her car, she knew how much today meant to him.

Pulling out his phone he sent her a quick message.

                “I’m going to do it. Wish me luck. Borrowed your car, hope you don’t mind.” He’d barely made it to said car when the phone alerted him to a reply.

                “Good luck. I’m nervous for you. Let me know how it goes, and no worries over Herman. Think of him as moral support.”

He was groaning as he got into the car, trust her to make light of things. Saying that it was the longest and most painful journey he’d ever made. He had to be honest with Michael and that worried him as it could work against him. But he knew this was an all or nothing situation.

Derek the butler come bodyguard was at the bottom of the front steps before he’d turned off the engine.

                “Mr Oldbury isn’t up to visitors.”

Sonny shook his head, “he has to see me. This is important.”

                “It’s ok Derek.”

Looking up Sonny saw Michael on the doorstep, watching them. Sonny walked up to him, “Oldbury, I need to talk to you.”

Michael nodded knowingly and Sonny couldn’t help but feel apprehensive, “about time. You’d better come in.”

Derek followed them; hovering waiting to see if anyone wanted coffee, or maybe whether he was needed as a referee. That would have made Sonny laugh if he hadn’t felt so nervous...he was worse than that, he was terrified.

The older man sighed, “it’s ok Derek you can leave us, if anything happens to me you’re my witness to this moment, ok? It was him!” He pointed at Sonny with a half smile.

That made Sonny laugh, but he was silent until the two of them were alone. After a rather lengthy pause, Michael spoke.

                “So are you going to tell me what happened to my son?”

Sonny sighed, where to start? He moved into the room and started to pace, he needed something to distract him from what he was about to deal with, there was no easy way of starting this conversation. Taking a deep breath, he looked at the older man, “my links to your son go back a long way. I don’t think that it was a coincidence...” He started at the beginning, that was the only place, “I haven’t always functioned on the right side of the law, you might know I went to prison for GBH. Despite everything I’ve done when I was arrested I hadn’t done anything wrong, if anything I was protecting myself. But the police turned up,” he groaned. “Basically I was set up, too many spoke out against me, so I went down. But when I was inside I was head hunted for want of a better term, and for various assurances, and help I was promised the name of whoever set me up.”

Michael gave his head a shake, “Scott? Why you?”

Sonny nodded, “I don’t know, I never found that out. But I had a job to do. Nothing much...Keep an eye on things, report back. Monitor what Scott was up to. Simple really.” He looked up at Michael, “I never want to go back to prison again, I’ve spent over half my life being dictated to, having authoritarians govern my every move what with being in care first. I wanted to leave the life I had behind. It wasn’t a nice life...but it was all I knew.”

He started to pace the room, “but your son, he was pushing in the wrong circles, upsetting some big players in London...he was becoming known in the wrong circles. My lifeline, the offer I had, my way out of crime was to tempt Scott to a rendezvous point, I swear it was just a set up. He was going to be framed for a robbery. There was never anything more. And I had so many reasons to do it, I mean if nothing else it freed Martha up to come home, I’d just found out about Ethan accidentally, I knew she’d never bring him here whilst Scott was around, and that boy needed his family, I of all people know how important that is. Of course there was also revenge, I’d done eighteen months inside for him...but there was also this huge carrot being dangled in front of me, one of the big guys had some information for me, they would pass it over,  and let me go, once I’d delivered. Revenge isn’t good, but I needed it.”

Michael was pale, angry, shocked, all in one. He was silent for a moment, then his eyes lifted to meet Sonny’s. “What changed?”

His words were controlled, clipped; Sonny was nowhere near calm himself.

                “Scott was greedy, he snubbed everyone else for the chance of some easy money, it wasn’t difficult to coax him to the rendezvous, but instead of the police arriving, arresting him, some heavies arrived, marched him away. It was the last anyone saw of him. That’s the truth.”

Michael ran a hand across his eyes, “You know who did it? Who turned up?”

Sonny would never grass anyone up, not that he could, he was away from that life, he had no intention of drawing attention back to himself, Marcus and his cronies would do more than shop him, he’d end up in the same place as Scott. “I have an idea, but I don’t know.”

                “You won’t say.”

He nodded the affirmative, “that’s right. I’d be next. Look Scott, he’d killed someone, a relative of one of the guys. You might not believe that but he had, a twenty year old boy...Martha had seen him beat someone else to a pulp a while ago, he was getting out of control, his enemies were growing in number. He was dabbling in a world that he wasn’t prepared for, here he was a big fish in a small pond, but in the criminal melting pot of London he was less than small fry, and he’d kicked up a huge wave.”

                “I see.” Michael paced for a moment, deep in thought. “You had the chance to help him, or at least help end this nightmare, help me get some closure...but you didn’t.”

He shook his head, “No I didn’t. You may take it as me being selfish, and in a lot of ways it was, but these guys would have got him somehow, like I say, he was on their radar. I did what I had to do to free myself, and also Martha. She deserved to be free.”

                “So I lose a son but gain a grandson, is that how this works?” the old man wasn’t giving an inch, but then Sonny wasn’t expecting him to.

But his words did make Sonny pause for thought, “you weren’t part of my motivations, not back then.”

That caused the older man to look at him, “what does that mean? I became part of this? Is that what you’re saying? Why?”

This was it, this was Sonny’s moment, the moment he told him that he was his father. He’d taken the news of Scott’s demise well, better than he expected, but he had no idea how he’d deal with the next stage.

Sonny started to march again, pacing the length of the room, “I told you I was promised information, vital and pertinent to me. I have no idea how these people gather their intel, but they’re good, very good.”

Eventually he stopped, perched on the arm of one of the Chesterfield armchairs, “my mother died when I was eight. She wasn’t the best mother, and things were no better in care. But I never knew anything else about myself.  The night that Scott was taken, I was given this...”

He held the letter out to him, the letter that named Michael Oldbury as his father.

Sonny watched as Michael read the letter the shake of his hands the only sign that he was affected by the words. Sonny had almost memorised that letter. His mother’s love for the man was so obvious, as was the devastation as he unceremoniously abandoned her. How her life had changed at that point. She’d been unable to cope with a child, she’d lost her job, her prospects and her future, coupled with her broken heart it had condemned them both to the life of hell that was his childhood.

Finally folding the letter in half, Michael looked up at Sonny and shook his head, “is this some sort of joke? I lose my son and you step into his place. Is that what this is?”

Sonny took a defensive step back, he wasn’t sure what reaction he’d expected from Oldbury, but it hadn’t been this, disbelief. He was telling the truth, and the man who should have known about him all along, who should have realised what was going on was doubting him.

                “What a coincidence that you are ‘given’ this letter the night you watched my son murdered. You are a liar and an imposter.”

The emotion of actually coming to the house was too much, but this venom, animosity was enough to tip him over the edge. He snatched the letter from Michael’s hand, then tossed down a copy of the photos that had accompanied it, he’d kept the originals safe, he wasn’t a fool. And he wasn’t about to let Michael see how hurt he was feeling, how much his anger upset him.

                “Much as you want to hate me, I didn’t orchestrate this, I wish anyone BUT the man who is trying to ruin my life was my long lost father...but isn’t fate a bitch? Don’t worry; I want nothing from you, nothing at all.”

With that he stormed out.

Abandoning Herman haphazardly near the centre of their town, he stormed into the snooker club and ordered vodka. It wasn’t one o’clock yet, and already he was knocking back alcohol, but that was deservedly so in his mind. He’d had to avoid the pub; he wasn’t up to smug James, and even less Jade. Instead he sought the relative anonymity of the pool hall.

Several guzzled drinks later he still wasn’t feeling any brighter, he wished the ground would open up and swallow him as he was struggling to function. But movement from his right made him look up, and stood there was Martha. She understood everything, she knew him inside and out, and as he dropped his head, he knew that he was close to tears. Instantly her arms were around him, talking to him, reassuring him, telling him that it would work out, and he rested into her, wishing he could vocalise the words that he wanted to say, but instead burying his face into her neck.

After a few moments he felt he could lift his head, look at her, and he saw the shock in her eyes as she stared at his emotion ravaged face. He must look shocking, he felt it. Everything he’d ever feared had come true, the man he’d fantasised about, longed to meet, the hero of his childhood had turned him over, and he was devastated. 

                “Lucy had gone to the shop and saw Herman abandoned, I feared the worst. What happened?” Martha smiled warmly at him.

Sonny sighed, “I told him the truth, about Scott - setting me up, me setting him up, and then I gave him the letter. He accused me of preying on his vulnerability, calling myself his son when he’s just lost his son. He thinks I’m making it up and that I’ve got an agenda. Doesn’t he realise that I want nothing from him?”

Martha rubbed her hands along his upper arms trying to offer him some warmth, “he will do. He’ll see that you’re telling the truth, you’ll see.”

                “And then what? He realises that I’m no better than Scott? A useless drop out part time criminal.”

She shook her head, “NO Carter, you are not that, you are SO much more than him, you’re generous, caring, helpful...funny...” She paused she could go on and list another dozen or more positive traits, but now was neither the time nor the place. “You are nothing like him, ok?”

                “How do you know that?” His voice cracked with emotion.

                “Because I know you, you’re a good man. Ok?”

He gave his head a shake to tell her he disagreed. “Come home Carter, take your mind off this, I guarantee he’ll be looking for you soon. OK?”

He shrugged then followed her out to the car.

Ethan was the tonic that Sonny needed, the youngster wanted to play football, and Eamonn and Carl had made him a goal post from thick branches and a net, a real homemade gift, and it was set up in the yard...both older men were pleading exhaustion and sloping off to the pub. After half an hour Sonny had managed to forget the earlier trauma, it hadn’t gone away, but from the kitchen Martha could tell that he looked a little calmer. But when the big black four wheel drive pulled in to the yard, she moved outside, calling to Ethan as the expression on Sonny’s face changed dramatically at the same time his face paled to an almost deathly colour. The irony, Martha thought as she bundled Ethan into the kitchen was that the passenger in that car had the ability to ruin Sonny in one hit, and he had no idea. Poor Sonny, he was so desperate to be accepted, she only hoped that Michael did the right thing. 

Trying Not to Love You - Part Sixty Seven

Chapter Sixty Seven

The next day was Saturday, and Martha woke early to her phone ringing. It was Paul.

                “My mother has fallen, she’s in hospital. Is there any chance you could look after my kids this morning? I wouldn’t ask but I’m desperate.”

                “Of course. Drop them here for breakfast.”

He sighed, “you are a life saver.”

Half an hour later a car pulled into the yard and the two kids jumped out excitedly, Molly had been to the farm again, but Conor hadn’t. Both were suitably attired in welly boots and waterproof jackets.

She threw open the back door and the two kids burst in depositing their outerwear in the small porch, before joining Ethan at the table where a mound of pancakes sat.

                “Made you a bacon sandwich that you can eat in the car,” Martha handed Paul a foil wrapped parcel. “Look after yourself. Ok?”

                “You are such a good person Martha. I’ll call you in a while?”

She smiled as he rushed back to the car concern for his mother apparent.

When she turned back to the kitchen and the three kids wolfing down pancakes, her eyes met Sonny’s, he was leaning against the doorway watching the morning unfold.

                “You are always looking after everyone Martha. Who looks after you?”

She poured coffee and handed him a mug, “if everyone does their job then I don’t need anyone to look after me.”

He sighed, “it’s not right.”

Two hours later Sonny returned from his run to find Martha and the three kids out in the yard feeding the animals. Carl was up in one of the top fields fixing something with Eamonn, the whole place seemed to be bustling with activity. He slowed to a stop and took the time to stretch as he cooled down. Paul’s oldest boy headed across the field to join Carl, and the two youngest were jumping in muddy puddles when Martha approached.

                “You still going to see Michael?”

He shrugged, “I think you need me here.”

She sighed, “I think you’re putting things off.”

                “Maybe. But I have to be ready.”

Raising an eyebrow she sighed, “life isn’t easy Carter.”

He emerged from the shower feeling a lot better and found the two youngest kids playing with Lego in the lounge. Martha was making lunch.

When she re entered the room, she laughed to see Sonny sat on the sofa, one of the youngsters on each knee reading them a story. It struck a chord in her, seeing him like that. The adoration on the children’s faces was so obvious and he laughed as he read the Gruffalo complete with a dozen different voices.  He’d make such a good father, he had so much love to give, so much unrestrained desire to make things better for other’s than it was for him. She sighed, and she could never give him that.

The fact that she couldn’t have any more children had never bothered her, the trauma of delivering Ethan and the subsequent infection, pain and disability that she’d suffered afterwards had put her off for life. Or so she thought. She’d always imagined Ethan would be enough, that he was all she needed, and for her he was, but as she looked at Sonny, playing, laughing, she realised what she’d deprive a man of, the chance to be a father, to father a child. How could she contemplate that with someone as desperate for a family as Sonny Carter?

Sneaking back out of the room, she finished their lunch, hating that a few tears escaped her eyes and coursed down her cheeks. Damage from Scott...that is what had ultimately made her having Ethan so difficult. He had the last laugh yet again. The only child she’d ever have would be Scott Oldbury’s.

                “Who’d have thought that kids would like me reading?”

Martha smiled at Sonny’s beaming face, “you’re a natural, but then we knew that, Ethan loves you. You’ll be a great father.”

He coughed at that, “I wouldn’t take it that far, I have no idea how to be a dad. No idea what that means.”

She laughed, “when the time comes you’ll know, you already know how to deal with the kids, you’re good at it. Juts being yourself.”

He smiled, a genuine, pleased almost over confident smile, “really?”

She nodded, “definitely, and you’ll deserve it when it happens.”

Sonny smiled, and it was always something to behold, his whole face lit up.

                “I can see it now, me surrounded by kids, you shouting at me as much as them. I figure I’ll be like having an extra child.” He looked at her, “I was wrong to think I can do all this without you, I can’t Martha. I want to do this with you.”

This was just what she didn’t want to hear, they were both on such different paths with so much baggage, so many issues, giving her head a shake she moved away, “you made your choice Carter. We can’t pretend you didn’t.”

                “But I love you...”

She sighed, “and you’ve chosen to use that fact to hurt me. I can’t put myself through that again. You’ve moved on, I think that’s the right thing. I value as a friend, as part of this family, but I can’t be more than that. There’s too much going on, too much at risk, and too much pain.”

With what she hoped was a dazzling if not friendly smile she turned away and proceeded to make dinner, hiding her emotion from everyone.

Sonny couldn’t beg, it was against everything in him, but he knew that over the past few weeks he was more unhappy than he had been when he’d been alone. He’d hurt Martha, he knew that, though his intentions had been for the best. Hadn’t they? He groaned. He WAS scared, he would never admit it to anyone, but loving her was far scarier than the issues with his father, maybe even the trips back to in time to the demons of his past. And she was right; he still didn’t trust anyone, why should she give him a second chance? He looked at himself, what did he have to offer her? Nothing. No prospects, no future and a jaded past.

He pulled on his suit, another Saturday night at the restaurant loomed and he had to snap out of the bad mood he was in. Maybe he’d head to London for the day on Sunday, visit a few old stomping grounds, catch up with a few acquaintances, could he do that without slipping back into his old life? He so wanted to prove to Martha that he was the man she’d thought he was. In London would he fall into old ways? He didn’t want to, but the fact that he was having these thoughts proved he wasn’t a good influence for Ethan, she was right to keep her distance from him.

He just wished the pain of rejection didn’t open so many raw wounds, because as usual he could feel the bile in his throat rising, the sick feelings as the past and the present mixed in turmoil.

Rushing to the kitchen he found a bottle of vodka in the cupboard there and poured a large glug into a tumbler and downed most of it. He felt a little easier.

Saturday night was a party night at the restaurant, and she and Sonny worked the floor as usual. Being busy meant they had less chance to talk; to dissect all that had happened between them. Or rather what wasn’t between them. But where they normally worked well, tonight they bitched.

                “You were supposed to take wine to table three.”

                “I was taking main courses to table nine, I can’t do everything Martha. Ask Tom, he’s looking bored.”

She rolled her eyes, but a few minutes later they both wanted the same bottle of wine, the only Sauvignon Blanc that was cold. That caused a few more words to be muttered under breaths.

Their usual relaxed and familiar relationship was definitely fraught, and they tried their best to avoid each other. As much as they could in such a close environment.

And it was hectic, which helped, Paula and Mark who ran the local shop were celebrating their twenty fifth wedding anniversary and it meant that half the town were present. So for Martha there was the added issue that everyone who’d witness her kiss Sonny so publicly a couple of  months earlier, now saw the distance and awkwardness between them...and Jade. She and James were sat with a group of their friends, guests for the night, Rebecca; the daughter of the couple was Jade’s best friend. 

Every time Sonny passed her table Jade would smile at him, occasionally reaching out to touch him, initially it was a familiar caress, but that soon became a swat to the bottom, enough that if she hadn’t shared his bed several times in the last few weeks that he could have had her arrested for sexual harassment.

Each time she reached out he took her hand and stopped her, “hands off what you can’t afford.”

But as she consumed more alcohol she seemed to gain more bravado.

Every comment was like a knife in Martha’s heart, not only seeing them flirting, but that the whole town saw that too. She’d never felt so inadequate in her life before. But this was your choice she reminded herself. Just this afternoon he wanted you back, told you he loved you, and it wasn’t enough. She sighed again, it was too much. She had to let him go, their relationship was never going to work, not in a sexual way, they were destined to be friends, either that or they’d end up killing each other.

As she looked up, Sonny was at the end of the bar opening a bottle of wine, and at that moment Jade moved through the room, deliberately squeezing alongside him as she travelled to the bathroom. As she whispered something in his ear he laughed, then met Martha’s eyes.

                “Have you got a problem with Jade?”

Martha looked up when he spoke, the disco had just started and she could barely hear him for the music. “No.”

But that confidence didn’t reach her eyes.

                “You don’t want me. You told me that.” Martha gave a small nod, and he continued, “but no one else can, is that it?”

She shook her head, “if you want Jade that’s your choice.”

It was his turn to shake his head, “I want you, but you don’t want me. I’m ruined, because no one lives up to you.”

She sighed, “she will do, in time.”

                “I love you, but I can’t be with you...and yet I’m hurting you by being with someone else. What can I do?”

She swallowed her anxiety, the fact that the same day she’d rejected his advances he was moving on, that spoke volumes, “you do what feels right, I’m not hurt...it’s just that everyone’s watching. That’s my bad not yours.”

At that moment Jade appeared in front of him, “you don’t mind if I drag him off for a dance do you?”

Martha looked at the younger woman and smiled, “of course not. You two have fun.”

The night had been painful and long. Finally it had ended and Martha had been glad to throw everyone out. By that point Jade was limpeted around Sonny and he had joined in with the rounds of Jaeger bombs that the under thirties began guzzling.

                “You want an escort?” As she looked up the office she saw James hanging around the door. They’d barely spoken in the last few months.

                “I’d rather share a drink, you?”

He smiled, “sounds good.”

She got a bottle of whisky and two glasses and they sat at a table, and she poured them a measure each.

                “Haven’t seen much of you in the pub.” James offered as he took a sip.

She nodded, “unsociable hours, you know all about that, then there’s Ethan.”

James smiled, “I’m still amazed at him, that no one knew, that you did it all alone.”

Martha drained her glass, “needs must.”

She wasn’t feeling over talkative, but it wasn’t in her nature to be rude either, so she refilled their glasses.

                “So you and Sonny...”

She laughed correcting him, “you mean Jade and Sonny.”

                “What happened?”

Martha eyeballed James, “you expect me to tell you intricacies of what went on between us? Me?”

He grinned, “the woman who kept a child a secret! You’re a pro at this.” He slugged his drink again, “I’m worried about Jade, he’s too...she’s out of her depth.”

That made Martha laugh, “really? She gives as good as she gets, and whatever you think about Sonny, he won’t hurt Jade. He’s honest with his women.”

                “Honest that they’re only ever temporary?”

That barb hurt and she tried to hide the flinch of pain, “she knows what she’s getting into.”

                “Did you?”

She stared at him, “this is not about me, this is about the fact that your sister is not a kid anymore, and you need to deal with that.”

Conversation over, and for the nth time their friendship had been stressed beyond belief.

Sonny woke and didn’t know where he was, for a moment he was in his bed at the farm, not the outhouse, but the bed in the room adjacent to Martha. Groaning the last twenty four hours came rolling back and with a sigh he turned his head to see Jade’s sleeping face beside him. She was fun, they’d gone to a club the previous evening, drunk shots until they could barely walk, then he’d carried her most of the way home as her heeled shoes were killing her. She’d been snoring before her head hit her pillow, and he’d slept surprisingly well, considering the amount they’d drunk.

                “You thinking of sneaking off?”

He’d pulled himself to sitting when two arms snaked around his waist, “stay for a few minutes more.”

He looked down at her, “minutes? Me?”

Laughing her hands wandered lower and all too soon he was powerless to resist her.

                “Do you have to go?”

He hated that her voice sounded like a whine, “places to go, people to see. You know how it is.”

She sighed, flopping back onto the bed completely naked, the duvet tossed loosely around her waist, “I only wanted you to hang around, it’s Sunday. We could have some fun. I like you Sonny.”

He turned to look at her, she was a lissom invitation draped across the bed, he reached out and ran his thumb over her bottom lip, “and I like you, we had fun last night...”

                “But you’re not up to anything more.”

He nodded, “I’m not going to plan dinners or trips to the cinema, I’m not thinking beyond now. That's how I work. Ok? If you can’t deal with that...”

She sighed, rolling onto her front, “suppose I’ll have to work on that some more.”

Giving a quick smile he pulled on his clothes then slipped out into the winter sun. He had an appointment with his destiny. Suddenly his father could wait no longer, he had to start sorting out his life before he drowned in the chaos, and Michael Oldbury was where he had to start.

Trying Not to Love You - Part Sixty Six

A/N There are a lot of loose ends to begin tying together and this is the beginning of Sonny confronting his past, hope you enjoy the insight into him, and start to understand him more. There's a long way to go for these two, but this is the start of them sorting their lives out.

Chapter Sixty Six

Sonny was tense as he ate the meal Martha had prepared, and there was nothing she could do about it. All three adults sat there digesting what had just happened as Ethan wolfed down his dinner unaware of the turmoil.

                “Nice dinner Martha, thanks.”

She looked up to see Sonny gathering the plates, “no problem.”

                “Lucy, I’ll be fifteen minutes getting changed, then I’ll drop you, can I take your car?” He asked the last bit to Martha who nodded. “I’ll meet you at the restaurant later.”

She nodded, “I’ll be there once my father shows up. I’ve no idea where he is.”

As it was Carl turned up an hour later, he’d been out with Eamonn, but was happy to babysit, so she changed into her work clothes, and headed to the restaurant.

Sonny was still angry; she could tell by the hard line of his shoulders, the frown that threatened to break across his face, nothing seemed to lift it.

                “Let it go,” she offered as she passed him at the bar, heading for the office to dump her coat and bag, “don’t let him win.”

Sonny scowled, “easier said than done.”

And his mood didn’t improve all night. As the last of the people left, Sonny still wasn’t himself, Martha wished he’d open up, but she knew he wasn’t the type. Instead she watched him toss her the keys then storm off in the direction of the pub...and Jade. It seemed when the going got tough he ran to her. It hurt less as the days went on, but nevertheless she still felt betrayed as she headed home alone.

Two days later Martha came home from taking Ethan to school and found Sonny with a coffee watching the news in the lounge. Lucy was still in bed, her father was selling one of his prize horses, so was meeting with a prospective buyer.

                “What’s happening in the world?” She asked standing in the doorway looking at the TV, it showed the rescue effort after a landslide in South America, and the sight of the homeless families searching for family members almost broke her heart. “Better the devil you know hey?”

He nodded, “always someone worse off than you.”

As he stood, about to leave, a ‘breaking news’ banner flashed across the screen.

                “Mooreland Lodge, a children’s home in North London was closed today amidst historical charges of child abuse in the eighties and nineties. The home which houses up to two hundred of the most vulnerable children in the South of England is claimed to have been a haven of physical and sexual abuse several decades ago. Three of the staff accused have retired, but there are four members of staff still working there that are accused of being part of this.” The screen cut to a well dressed man who had a grim expression as he talked to a reporter. “Stephen Marshall the MP for the area is quoted as saying it’s a disgrace that this could happen and is appealing for previous residents who witnessed anything, or were in fact victims to come forward."

The item continued showing photos of the home, and then an interview with the investigating officer who claimed that historical claims were dealt with as seriously as any other.

It wasn’t the story that made her freeze then turn slowly towards Sonny, but the fact that he dropped his mug onto the floor, and it breaking into three pieces. When she looked at his face, she couldn’t believe it, he was deathly white, and his hands were gripped into tight fists. She reached out and touched his arm, but he snatched it away and stormed out of the room, and the house.

She looked at the screen again, then shook her head, a sick sensation was taking over her, she didn’t like the conclusions she was making, but the vulnerable side of Sonny had appeared and she’d never seen anyone look so terrified.

Sonny was nowhere to be seen, and she didn’t want to push him, there was a time and a place, and he could be the tightest closed book when he wanted to be. But as she headed to town to shop, starting to accumulate her Christmas gifts, her mind was on the broken man she’d left back at the farm, and she felt guilty at abandoning her when he needed her...even if he denied that he needed anyone.

Later after storing the gifts she’d purchased in various cupboards, she found Sonny in the utility room sorting through some of his clothing.

                “You ok?” He shrugged noncommittally, so she offered, “it might help to talk.”

Turning towards her he snarled, “you reckon? You think that airing dark dirty secrets will make me fit into this family more easily? Cos I don’t!”

He grabbed at the clothing then stormed towards the door, bur her voice caused him to stop.

                “Nothing would make me judge you differently, but it might make me understand you better. You were a boy Sonny, whatever happened was wrong.”

At that his shoulders dropped and his head fell, moving towards him she placed her hands on his arms, standing behind him trying to give him some strength. It took a moment before he lifted his head, but when he did he turned to her and she hated the haunted look in his eyes.

                “I can’t go back to that hell, I can’t talk about it.”

She gave a sad smile and squeezed his shoulder, “when you can I’m here, ok?”

He didn’t answer, but he seemed a little calmer as he left the room.

                “I’m going to see Michael.”

Sonny’s head snapped up from the account books he was studying. The restaurant was quiet but they were trying to sort out tax returns, and neither was that experienced at it. A couple of days had passed since her offer to hear him out and he’d not come forth to talk to her. But she hadn’t expected him too.

                “Why?”

Martha shrugged, “he’s Ethan’s grandfather. I have to make this work. It’s like a dark cloud hanging over me, and I need to deal with it.”

He shook his head, “you can’t.” It was a firm, hard NO.

That made her laugh, “you’re not my father! I am going to try and make this work. I know he’s got a bit of a campaign against you, but he’s grieving at losing his son. He will get past it.”

                “Grieving!” He laughed, “for that bastard? When the hell will he stop pretending that Scott Oldbury was anything more than a bully and a thug? And when will you stop making excuses for them both?”

Martha took a step back, “I’m not making excuses, but for the last five years Michael has helped me out...”

That made Sonny straighten to his full height, “what does that mean?”

She shrugged, “he helped me stay afloat...”

                “He bankrolled you? You let that man buy you?”

Martha was surprised at the vindictive way Sonny spoke, “I get that you don’t like him, but he wanted to keep Ethan free of his son too. Without him Scott may have found us. And it meant I could look after my son. He did right by me; I owe him a second chance.”

Sonny slammed his hands down on the counter and glared at her, “you think you know people, but who do you really know? Ever?”

With that he stormed out of the restaurant, leaving Martha to wonder when Sonny would stop running from everything that was a little more than straight forward.

The next day as she gave Ethan breakfast, Sonny appeared Jade draped around him. She was definitely his ‘go to’ place. When Stephanie wasn’t in the house he stayed in his old room and the thought of the two of them having sex in the next door room to her made her skin crawl, but she wasn’t about to give either of them the satisfaction of seeing her pain.

                “You want coffee Jade?”

She smiled at that, and nodded, “thanks. I need something to wake me up.” She glanced at Sonny, “he doesn’t let me sleep much.”

Martha turned towards the cupboard to find a mug and breathed, “I remember,” under her breath, hating that the memories of those passion filled nights with Sonny was so vivid and so ready to swamp her mind.  When she had the two mugs filled with coffee she had calmed a little. As she turned towards the couple, Sonny was staring at her, and she knew he’d heard her mutterings.

Giving her best and most genial smile, she turned back to her son and coaxed him to finish his porridge.

                “What did you mean earlier?”

Martha was embroiled in the utility room trying to sort through the clean and dirty laundry when Sonny’s voice caused her to look up. “What?”

                “Earlier at breakfast.”

She shook her head, “what did I say?”

He stepped towards her, “that you remember...us.”

                “Why wouldn’t I? Anyway it was a joke, but not one I thought Jade would laugh at.”

With that she turned back to the job in hand, “are you still determined to go and see Oldbury?”

She nodded, “I have to make this right. For Ethan’s sake.”

                “Then I’m coming with you.”

Martha laughed, “he spent the other day trying to provoke you into hitting him, I hardly think you’re going to steady the waters.”

Sonny sighed, “he wants me, that’s what all this is about. He’s not after custody of Sonny; it’s all a way of hurting me. He knows that I love you, and that being apart from you would crucify me. But that’s not enough, he wants me out of this house, away from you completely, why do you think your father wants to diversify? The pub conveniently comes with accommodation.”

Shaking her head as if to clear her ears, Martha stared at him, “what are you saying?”

                “That he told me if I left you alone he’d pull the legal case, he’d leave you alone if I left you alone.”

She’d known that something had happened, but hadn’t pulled all the pieces together; she’d not anticipated this fully. “You dumped me because Michael Oldbury told you to?”

Sonny bit his tongue; it hadn’t been Oldbury that had convinced him, but Carl and Stephanie, though he had no intention of showing just how many people were against them being together, betrayal by the two people she trusted might be too much for her, “I did it to make things easier for you.”

                “No,” she shook her head aggressively, “you took an easy option, instead of talking to me. This is the problem with you Carter, you are a closed book, you don’t share anything with me? You made me feel as though we had a future, but at the first sign of difficulty you backed down, you should have trusted me, talked to me. We could have dealt with it together, instead you hurt me, and that was the hardest part of it all.”

He stepped towards her, “I want to make it better. I really do.”

She sighed, “this is too little too late, I have to do this myself now, it’s the only way. You’re too late telling me this, don’t you see that?”

                “It doesn’t have to be too late; you know how I feel about you.”

Martha shook her head, “I don’t know anything anymore. All I know is that you told me you loved me, then within a couple of weeks you were screwing someone else, that made anything we had cheap and nasty.” She sighed, “all you had to do was trust me, but you don’t trust anyone, do you?”

                “I want to.” He offered, “but I don’t know how.”

Martha hated that confession, Sonny had been neglected and abused on so many levels as a vulnerable child, it was a miracle that he’d made it this far. How could he be expected to form meaningful relationships when he hadn’t had any to learn from? Anyone who’d been in a position of caring for him, had abused him in some way, and that wasn’t acceptable. But it didn’t make things any easier for her to deal with.

Instead she gave an awkward smile, “maybe you need to learn. I’m going to see Oldbury though, and I think I should go alone.”

Sonny sighed and she looked up at his confused face, he was in some sort of turmoil, and it was with a grunt of frustration that he pulled a wad of papers from his back pocket and tossed them onto the top of the washing machine in front of her.

                “What’s this?” She reached for the bundle as Sonny shrugged an answer and headed for the kitchen.

Pulling the elastic band from around the papers she looked at two photographs, they were black and white showing a glamorous young woman with dark hair and warm dark eyes, there was no mistaking that she was Sonny’s mother they looked so alike, and in the picture she looked so happy, smiling up at a man who had an arm around her shoulder.

Martha leaned closer for a better view and then gasped, was that...?

                “He’s your father?”

Sonny looked up and sighed, Martha looked as pale as he felt with worry lines coursing her brow. He gave a brief nod then added, “I was given that information the night that Scott was killed.”

                “This was what your contact promised you? Information that the man you were about to hand over to meet his end was your brother?” She couldn’t miss the shudder that shook his body at her words and she wondered if that was the first time he’d actually realised that Scott was his brother. She shook her head then stared at him with a start, “you’re Ethan’s uncle?”

Sonny sighed, he didn’t know anything anymore, “it’s hard to digest. I’ve not really thought about it...”

Martha shook her head, “you’ve known this for weeks, months even and you did nothing about it?”

                “The man hates me, and after reading that letter I hate him right back.”

Martha wasn’t buying that, his mother was devastated at losing the love of her life, she’d read that, Michael had abandoned her. But she knew Sonny, he’d longed for a father, he’d confessed to his dreams when he was a kid when his father was a famous actor, or a spy, or an astronaut. He’d lived the last twenty years with the belief that his father would have made things right, that if he found him he’d have an identity, that he’d finally find out who he was, now he wanted to back away, run away in true Sonny fashion.

                “You’re just scared Carter, as much as you’ll deny it you’re scared of what he’ll say.”

He gave a little grunt of protest; his eyes wild with what she knew was fear, “no.”

She wasn’t letting him get away, “it’s understandable, but you have GOT to tell him, at least give him the chance to do the right thing. You definitely don’t owe him anything, but you have to see how this pans out, can’t you see that? You have to give him a chance.”

He shook his head again and Martha felt pain at the emotion in his face, “Carter, you HAVE to do this. I’ll come with you, I’ll help you...if you need me, but you have to do it.”

Giving a slight nod, he looked at her, “what if he still hates me?”

She sighed, “it isn’t going to be easy, but you have to try. Don’t you?”

He nodded, “tomorrow, I’ll tell him tomorrow.”