Reasons Why - 19

Chapter 19

When she got back with the sleeping children, Chloe found Chris sat on the doorstep. She wasn’t surprised, but she was weary, too tired to deal with this confrontation now. Sighing she swung the car on to the driveway and opened the door.  

                “Hey.” He offered, looking up at her from the step.

She inclined her head slightly, “hey.”

                “You’re not answering your phone?” It was more a statement than a question. And was greeted with a nod from her. “Will you talk to me?”

She shrugged again, “I’ve got to get the kids in...”

                “I’ll help.”

In silence they carried the two sleeping children into the house and settled them in their beds. She’d let them both have a nap until their parents came home. As she closed Mikey’s door, Chris grabbed her wrist and tried to grab her attention.

                “Ssh!” She whispered, “downstairs.”

In the kitchen Chloe started to fill the coffee machine, anything to avoid a deep and meaningful with Chris. But he was hovering just over her shoulder, and as she fired the machine up, he pulled her around.

                “Don’t do this Chloe, don’t block me out. Don’t hide and run away!”

It was always the same, everyone wanting to help, to share her burden, no one seemed to get the fact that her guilt, her load was her own cross to bear, and she had no desire to share that, as it was almost like a key to her undoing. If Chris had this insight into her, saw her deepest darkest secrets, then he’d have power over her, have a control that would damage her.

Turning to him, she pasted on a fake smile and wrapped her arms around his neck, “sorry, I’m not good dealing with stress, I shouldn’t take it out on you!”

As her lips flew to his, Chris knew she was playing him, she wasn’t the sort of person who changed emotions so rapidly, but as her mouth covered his, her tongue delved in his mouth, he could feel his body start to harden, she had that immediate effect on him, her breasts thrust against his chest, and he was lost. Pulling her close, he reciprocated, ignoring the niggle in the back of his mind that warned him to stop.

Lifting her, he perched her on the edge of the work surface and with a groan against his lips, she curled her legs around his waist. Chris was drowning, her hands were under his shirt, teasing his hot skin, and she kept writhing against him, drawing him in like a siren on rocks that even the strongest boat couldn't resist.

                “Chloe!” He breathed against her lips, “what are you doing to me?”

Smiling she lifted her head, and placed a finger over his lips, “ssh. I want you!”

It was a calculated move and it hit the desired goal. Chris dragged her back to him, biting at her neck as he pulled open her shirt, then dragged the lace of her bra cup down freeing her breast, her hard, inviting nipple. With another groan he dropped his mouth to it, sucking and biting more aggressively than he intended. But Chloe only thrust her body further towards him.

                “Shit!” He had to finish this, and Chloe loved the desperation in his voice. Without removing any more clothing, they managed to find each other, dragging fabric, tearing when it didn't give, and when he finally sank into her, Chloe could do nothing more than moan.

Despite their urgency, Chris didn’t rush, he took his time watching every inch of her face as he buried himself deep inside her. Chloe gyrated, met every thrust of his with her own, but as Chris finally felt his body verge on the brink of an almighty explosion, he could tell she wasn’t there with him. Changing the angle of his invasion, he snuck a hand between them, and teased her that extra amount, and he was rewarded with her igniting in front of him, around him, and then he joined her.

His head was resting against her body, her dragged free breast, still framed in her un-removed bra, next to his cheek, her body still wrapped around him, him still inside her. And for a moment he wanted nothing to change, no talking, no moving, nothing, because this is where he wanted to be. Forever.

The thought stunned him. He knew that she’d got under his skin, he’d spent more time with her in the last month than he had with any other woman ever. The thought of not waking with her, not seeing her illuminating smile over breakfast, to not tease her over her accent, or to debate the merits of US versus UK sports, to never be like this, replete, satiated, deep inside her, scared him. She was leaving in ten days, and he was powerless to stop that.

Stretching under him, Chloe kissed the top of his head, “we should..." She giggled, "Phil and Didi will be home soon!”

Nodding, he reluctantly lifted his head, and took in the sight before him, Chloe half exposed, half dressed, lounging against the work surface, a smug look on her face as he remained still in her. Pulling apart, he addressed his dishevelled clothes, his eyes not leaving her, as she did the same.

Sliding past him, she dived in the bathroom and took a moment to compose herself, Chris copied her, and she was pouring them coffee when the front door opened and Phil called a “hello!”

Chris, lounging against the doorframe watching her move, grinned, “nice diversion Chloe!” Despite the humour in his voice, Chris was hurt, she’d do anything to avoid sharing her feelings with him. He was here wanting to tell her how desperately he wanted her to stay, but she was using cloak and dagger tactics to avoid any emotional intimacy. Shaking his head in disappointment, he turned to smile at Chloe’s brother, glad of the distraction from his wallow in self pity.

Phil was unaware of the tension in his kitchen, but he was glad to see that Chloe was at least talking to someone. He’d spoken to their father earlier in the day and heard more details of the impending court case. Nothing had brought relief, but at least she wasn’t on self destruct mode again, that had been his real fear.  

Chris was on a two day trip up state the following day, and Chloe was glad of the breathing space. But, it wasn’t to be, the CPS prosecutor linked to her brother’s case called and wanted to pick through all that had happened with a fine tooth comb. Her past, her fears and her nightmares were invading her safety zone, and that was worse than anything else.

By the time Chris returned she’d already made her decision, she was heading home to face the music. If her problems invaded this place any further then her memories of this place would be spoilt forever.

Phil and Didi were devastated, and one knew how the boys were going to take it. Then there was leaving Chris...

                “You’re leaving?” It was a gasp of surprise than a question. And Chloe was glad that she’d chosen a restaurant for this conversation.

Nodding, ignoring the emotions ravaging his face, she picked at her seafood, “there’s  too much to organise there. And this was only ever an extended holiday Chris.” She couldn’t give in, process this too much, as it was just as hard for her to leave. But the emotion, his devastation...she reached out and placed a hand over his. “I’ve loved this time, and you’ve helped me more than you’ll ever know Chris.”

                “Helped you?” he tried not to raise his voice, but he was getting angrier by the minute. “Is that all this was?”

She shook her head, “of course not. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this happy and that’s due to you. But I always had a life to go back to, it was always inevitable that this moment would happen.”

Their main courses were delivered and they ate in silence for a moment, until Chris threw down his cutlery and a few notes to cover the food.

                “Suddenly I’m not hungry anymore.”

She had to run to catch up with him, and he finally stopped at a small green between buildings. Storming to a bench he sat and dropped his head in his hands.

Chloe stood beside him and waited until he lifted his eyes, and the sight of them, filled with tears almost broke her heart...if it wasn’t already broken and traumatised.

                “I can’t believe you can just leave after the summer we’ve had together.”

She sighed, “Chris, I have loved every minute with you, but I never said I would stay forever, I always had to go.”

He was shaking his head, “we can work something out, it’ll be hard, but I can visit, you can come to New York when I’m back then...we can do something, anything.” It was a desperate plea to his own ears, but he didn’t care. At that moment he knew he was willing to make a complete fool of himself if that was what it took.

Chloe slowly shook her head, “I have to rebuild my life darling, I have to get over the last eighteen months and start again. I can’t do that if I’m living here on a holiday!”

                “You can start again, find a career here, live with me, we can see where life takes us!” He grabbed her hand.

                “If only things were that easy! I can’t get a green card, I have no insurance, I can’t work, if you’re even suggesting I’m sort of kept woman then you don’t know me at all Petrakis!”

He dropped her hand, “I wasn’t suggesting that, I don’t know what I’m suggesting, but can’t we just try? There must be a way. We can visit each other...”

She smiled, “as nice as four weekends a year together sounds, there is no future on from that, is there? I mean you’ll never be able to come to the UK with me, not playing lacrosse.”

                “I can do more than that!” He was indignant, “I am more than just a sportsman!”

The outburst was more effective than anything else he’d said,  she really felt for him, for her, and this impossible situation. Cupping his cheek she ignored the flinch and smiled at him, “you are so so so much more than a sportsman, you’re a very good sportsman, and I know you’re intelligent, quick, there is nothing you couldn’t do. But you live for lax, you’ve let your family head off without you to protect that. So there’s NO way I’d let you consider ending all that for me.” She sighed, “I’ve thought about this Chris. I’m screwed up, really screwed up, and I need to go home to change that. I have to end this here. I hope you can see that.”

                “I’ll never agree to that. But I can’t stop you. Can I?”

As she watched him walk away, tears fell. She hated the thought of losing him, but everything she’d said was the truth. She had more baggage than so many people, and she had to sort her mind out, and bury the past finally. The logistics of things working in the future was slim for all the reasons she’d said, and she couldn’t imagine they’d see each other again. But that was something she’d learn to deal with. After all she’d dealt with losing Owen, it couldn’t be as bad as that. A voice somewhere deep in her head, reminded her quite blatantly that the mess she was in was because she hadn’t been able to deal with losing Owen.

She could only pray that this would be an easier parting to deal with.