Reasons Why - 24

Chapter 24

 

Chloe looked at Chris, he had his love for her so evident on his face, and whilst her common sense said trust him, go with this, her emotions, her fragile psyche told her to end it here. Now.

                “Chris.” Her voice was quiet, and as he looked up, his eyes meeting hers, he sighed.

                “You’re going to leave me, aren’t you? Is this you ending everything?”

She should’ve known that he’d be in tune to exactly what she was thinking, her common sense tried to highlight that fact, wanting her to realise that he was perfect for her. But this was a time when she couldn’t let her heart rule her head, she had to rebuild, and this man was a risk to that. She couldn’t make decisions based on anything other than her own instincts. He was too powerful, too attractive. She needed to do things without his indirect influence.

                “I have to do things by myself Chris. I can’t compromise my future here.”

He scoffed, his anger hiding his hurt, “so I’m a compromise? Is that it? Are you willing to let that man...” he gestured in the direction of the court building, “ruin two lives? Is that it?”

She sighed, “that’s just it Chris, I’ve been in such a hole, I just really need to get out of that, and hiding behind you isn’t the way for me to regain my independence. Can’t you see that?”

Shaking his head Chris couldn’t agree, “I love you, I’ll work to whatever time frame or pattern you want. I’m not going to beg but of course I want you in my life. I won’t stop you growing, being Chloe Palmer. Why can’t you see that?”

His pleading again made sense to her common sense, but she’d been in such a low place, that she honestly believed that she had to climb out of this pit by herself. How would she ever cope with another trauma if she relied on him to get her through this one? She now knew that she’d relied too much on Owen, and losing him had paralysed her, and she had actually tried to kill herself to end the misery. That was a bleak black place and she had no desire to ever feel like that again, love, meant reliance, meant devastation. She couldn’t go back there, she really couldn’t.

                “Chris, you are the greatest man I’ve ever met. Handsome, brave,” she cupped his face, “the greatest lover...but I can’t do this, you have to believe that. I’m so glad that I met you, and I doubt any man will ever live up to you. But I have to walk away. I need to do this alone.”

He wanted to scream at her, to make her see sense, but he knew that Chloe Palmer didn’t do anything by half. And now he had to think of his own preservation, his heart was as close to breaking as he’d ever known, since she’d left him in New York he’d had pain, a dark cloud that lingered over him. He’d hoped that this trip would ease that, but as he looked at her, so determined, so strong, he finally realised that he couldn’t change this. Couldn’t make her see sense.

                “Chloe. I think you’re wrong. We are meant to be together. I think you know that. Maybe you’re scared, I mean I get that it can’t be easy coming back from the places you’ve been. Knowing you as I do, I can’t ever imagine you trying to end things...” he paused the emotions of actually speaking the words were so much more powerful than he’d ever believed possible. Chloe flicked her head, dropping her eyes to the floor, not wanting to face him. But he couldn’t let her do that. Lifting her chin he stared at her, “I can’t begin to know how that must have been then, to feel so much pain, and I can’t imagine how this must feel now, facing up to that. But it’s not a failure; this isn’t you exposed and vulnerable. You view me as a threat, but nothing I know makes me love you less. You’re so strong, and to stand in court today like you did, so brave. I just wish you’d believe me, take a chance on me.”

Tears that she’d fought all day started to escape, slide down her face, “I want to so much Chris, but I can’t. You say I’m strong, I’m not. I feel drained, empty. I have to find me first, I still need to heal. You helped me start that process more than you’ll ever know. But the person I am...I can’t be half a person Chris, I need to find my motivation, sort things out.”

He shook his head gently, “I don’t see why that has to be without me.”

She bit her lip, “it just does Chris, you’re too strong and too much of a temptation for me to just become part of your life. And when this ends I’ll be five weeks, five months of maybe years down the road and have to start all over again. I have to clear this now. Can’t you see that?”

                “I see the sense of what you’re saying, but I don’t think you’re right. You’re throwing away something special, for the slight chance that you might find what you’re looking for. What if I am it? What if the whole point of this hell was for us to meet? Maybe we’re meant to be together...” It was his last chance, “please don’t throw this away. Can’t we just see how it goes? You do your thing, I’ll do mine, and then we’ll see how it goes. You sorting yourself and us being together don’t have to be completely separate do they?” He took her hands to implore further.

                “This is exactly it Chris, you’d talk me into things, that’s why I said you’d compromise me, I need me time. Alone.”

He was crying now, as he saw the determination that his words had failed to influence. “So that’s it? Can’t we meet in a month? Two?”

Reaching up, she kissed him gently on the lips, wiping away the tears with her thumbs, “you are the most special man in the World, I’ll never forget you Christos Petrakis.” With a wry smile, she turned and hailed a cab, leaving him stood in the worsening rain.

Chloe rued the efficiency of Google. For the umpteenth time since the court case, she’d typed the name Chris Petrakis in and thousands of hits came up. Photos, news - each piece struck a pain in her heart, but she knew this was her choice. Sitting in front of her laptop, she typed the letters Ch and the search for his name automatically popped up. Even her computer knew she missed him.

Closing the lid, she left her childhood bedroom and descended the stairs to the kitchen. Lemonade, she needed lemonade. The house was empty; her parents were out, her father at golf, her mother shopping. She’d had an interview lined up the previous day, a junior partnership at a reasonable sized law firm. It wasn’t anywhere near the size or the prestige of the firm she’d left, but then she hadn’t envisaged going back to a company like that. Ruthless, money and victory orientated. But over breakfast the day before, she realised that she couldn’t see herself working at any law firm. After the way she and her family had been treated, she couldn’t work there again, it lacked the scruples and morals that she know realise were more important to her. She’d phoned and cancelled her interview.

And now? Now she had no idea what she was going to do. Five weeks ago Malcolm Pinker was sentenced to life in prison after being found guilty a week or two before. There was no euphoria at that, nothing brought Owen back, and as that door closed it finally signalled the end of that chapter of her life.

She drank the lemonade she’d poured urgently, but it was too late. Rushing to the bathroom she brought up her breakfast in a rather inelegant fashion. Sighing, she washed her face, then went back to the kitchen.

                “So have you told him? Do you intend to?”

Chloe almost jumped out of her skin, and she spun around to see her mother taking off her coat in the doorway, “what?” Despite her attempted innocent response, she felt herself blush, heat sweeping over her neck and face. This was everything she’d run away from.

Her mother removed her gloves and flicked them dry, before laying them on the radiator. “I’m not stupid Chlo. I watch you, I see you. He has a right to know he’s going to be a father.”

Chloe gasped, the room started to spin and she staggered to a chair and slumped into it. As her mother handed her a glass of the sweet fizzy drink she tried to swallow the knot of emotion in her throat. She’d not dared to admit things to herself yet, she’d palmed every symptom, every change off as stress. But when the court case ended none of those feelings changed, but still she fought admitting to herself that she was pregnant. How did her mother know what she’d not admitted to?

As if reading her mind, her mother added, “I craved soft drinks, just like this with you two. The sickness does ease.” Seeing her daughter’s stunned emotion filled face, she pulled up the chair next to her. “It’s a good thing isn’t it?”

Chloe suddenly started to cry, as she hadn’t for so long, and as her mother’s arms wrapped around her, she collapsed against her sobbing into her shoulder.  It was a while until she was calm enough to speak, to explain.

                “I’ve been pretending it’s not happening Mum. I don’t know how to deal with it.”

Her mother smiled, “it’s the greatest gift darling, a baby. And I guarantee that it’s the one thing that makes you re-evaluate your life like no other! I mean I was working on the local newspaper when I fell pregnant with you two. I’d seen myself as a fully fledged reporter, maybe even an editor...then you two arrived and I didn’t really care so much about my work. I never knew until the moment I held you in my arms that it was all that I wanted from life.”

Chloe was watching her intently, listening to every word, and her mother smiled, squeezing her hand, “I suppose what I’m saying is that things happen for a reason, and maybe this is what you’ve been looking for?”

She sighed, “I’ve been in denial, purely because I don’t know what this means. I haven’t done a test, but it’s that long now that I can’t pretend anymore!”

                “So you’ve not told him?” Her mother asked even though she knew the answer.

Shaking her head Chloe tried to smile, “I kind of knew even back when he was here, and I pretended it wasn’t happening. I haven’t heard from him since...but then that was my doing.”

Nodding knowingly, she stood to pour tea into two mugs, then handed one to her daughter. “You have to tell him, you know that?”

Chloe sighed again, “I have to accept it first!” Half laughing, she looked at her mother, “and I don’t think I can see him again, it hurts too much!”

Her mother sipped at her tea before replying, “He’s a good man, your father immediately liked him, and you know how difficult he can be. He stood in the court house within minutes of meeting us and told us he loved you. That’s a brave boy, and a keeper Chloe. I know you’ve had all this trauma, and it’s been hell. But I hate to see you let him walk away like that.”

This was hard to hear, Chloe’d been through all this in her mind before, and she found this so difficult. “I need time for me Mum.”

With that knowing and understanding smile her mother nodded again, “I’ve watched you court every emotion known to man darling, and I think that you’re wrong, both in your actions, and your reasoning. You don’t let someone like him, someone as near perfect as you can get, walk away. That was your first mistake.”

                “But I...”

Her mother silenced her, “like I say, I know you, well. You’re scared Chloe, you’ve been stripped bare the last two years, you’ve been vulnerable, exposed...you want to find your defences again. I can see that. But you have to see that he’s part of that.”

Chloe could feel the tears starting to well again as she acknowledged her mother’s words, “I can’t go through it again Mum.”

Her mother took her hand, “through what?”

                “I can’t love anyone as much as I loved Owen,” the words were delivered through uncontrollable tears. “Loving him so much nearly killed me, and I don’t think I can cope with that pain again. If I let him in...what if I...” She looked at her mother, “I can’t do it Mum, if was horrible...”

Suddenly her mother saw the whole picture, her darling brave and strong daughter had glimpsed her own vulnerability when she’d struggled to overcome grief and guilt at losing her twin. And it was that that scared her. She feared falling back into that hole of hell. So brave, and so misguided. She took her hands.

                “Are you telling me that being without Chris doesn’t cause you pain?”

Chloe nodded sadly, “I miss him more than I thought possible.”

The older woman smiled knowingly, “you can hide your heart forever. Think of Owen. Would you prefer to have never met your brother? Then you’d not feel pain at his death. Or would you rather have every memory knowing that with that comes the pain of loss?” She sighed, “There’s not a day goes by that I don’t think of him, my beautiful boy, but as Tennyson once said, it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Can’t you see that?”

For Chloe that was a real difficult consideration. When she thought of Owen she remembered so many wonderful things and occasions. His wit, his humour, his charm. For so long it had been him dying, him lying on that slab, somewhere, somehow, that had changed. She knew that somewhere Chris had helped that happen, that and the final closure of the court case.

                “I can’t imagine never knowing him.” She offered quietly.

                “So, take the same thought for Chris, can you risk your heart, your sanity on him? Or are you going to hide away living a life filled with regret without him? And remember, it’s not just you to think about. This baby is his, he’s a parent, and he deserves the chance to fill that role to. Chloe, I know it’s been hell, but I love you so much, and I only hope that you can find the happiness you deserve. Chris may not be the one, though I’m sure he is, but at least you know you tried, you took that risk.”

Chloe was crying again, “I’m so scared Mum, I hated myself. I let you down...what if I do the same again, to Chris or the baby?”

Wrapped up in her arms, she loved the protective feeling of a kiss to the forehead, “you’ll be a wonderful mother, just as you were a wonderful sister, the best daughter a parent could want, and to Chris you’ll be everything he wants. If you’re not, then he’s not the man I took him for. We’re all human love, we all do things that might not be perfect, ideal, but it’s how we learn from those things that shapes us into better people!”

                “Will I become this wise when I have a baby Mum?” She tried to smile through her tears.

                “Yes! That and once you’ve had another twenty years of life experience to shape your decisions!”

                “What if he doesn’t listen to me?”

Kissing her again, her mother laughed, “There is no chance of that happening darling, he loves you. And to be honest, I’m prepared to be wrong in my judgement, but your father is NEVER wrong, and I think he’d trust Chris with his life, not just his daughter! Go to him darling, SHOW him how you feel!”

Chloe sighed, she’d kept abreast of his schedule via internet news since he’d left two months earlier, “the only problem with that, is he’s been selected to play for the All Star game, he’ll be in Vermont for two weeks training.”

                “So go there!”