Reasons Why - 26

Chapter 26

 

In the safety on her room she threw a few things in anger, then paced angrily across the room. That man! What was he daring to insinuate?

As she started to calm slightly, she remembered the shocked expression on his face as the reality of the situation sank in, that he was imminently about to be a dad. Ok, she admitted to herself, this was a huge shock for him, and was obviously nothing he’d ever imagined. But still, the fact that he was so defensive...the fact that he could think that she would turn up and try to palm another man’s child off on him. Or that she’d be sleeping with other men around the time she was with him, she wasn’t a tart, far from it. She poured a glass of water from the mini bar and gulped most of it.

Stripping out of the jeans and tunic she’d worn all day and took a warm shower. Calmer and fresher, she slipped on her cotton pyjamas, a strappy vest top and three quarter cotton trousers, then found the book she’d started on the plane over. Now that she wasn’t as exhausted as she had been for the first she knew that sleep would elude her. So she settled in the armchair in the corner of the room.

She had barely sat down when there was a pounding at the door. Chloe sighed, she’d expected this straight after leaving her, but almost an hour later she was surprised, she really thought he’d given up. She also thought she’d have cried at his treatment, but as she walked to the door, she realised that she was more angry at his rejection of the baby than any rejection to herself.

Pulling open the door she looked up into the eyes of Chris. He looked like he’d been crying, she wanted to put her arms around him, to hold him and help him feel better. But he needed to speak, she could tell that.

                “You ran away Chloe! I couldn’t find out which room you were in...I managed to get hold of Phil...You can’t just run away all the time!”

Stepping back she offered him the room and he came in.

Running his fingers through his hair in anguish, he could barely meet her eyes, “I didn’t expect this. It’s all so confusing, I’d dreamt of seeing you again, you have no idea how many times. Nothing I’d ever imagined is close to this though. You pushed me away so much, in Victoria, New York and London, I never fully understood why. Then when I saw you, your condition,” he was so uncomfortable that Chloe almost laughed. “In my head, it suddenly made sense...” He sighed, “rather than not wanting me, finding out you were having someone else’s kid would make more sense! I could never understand why you were so determined to never see me again...Ha, it sounds so conceited now I’m saying it aloud!” He looked at her for the first time and tried to smile.

                “Well it wasn’t! It isn’t! It’s no one but yours!” She wasn’t letting him sweet talk her; she had a baby to think of.

He nodded, “and that’s terrifying!” Stepping towards her he smiled, “the thought of anyone else touching you makes me feel sick...another man’s baby would be a permanent reminder. I didn’t know how I’d cope with it; suddenly the future was all so unsure. I love you, I’d do anything to be with you...but that scared me as I didn’t know how to deal with it.” Still she failed to answer. “Talk to me Chloe, tell me I haven’t blown it! I’m scared...but more excited than I ever thought imaginable.”

Her head snapped up, “really?” There was light at the end of the tunnel.

Nodding he took her hands, “I can’t quite believe it...It’s not something we ever discussed...But shit! A baby...I don’t even know if this is what you want.”

                “It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me!” She meant it with all sincerity. “And I’ll do it all alone if I have to!” She meant that too.

He smiled, “You don’t have to do anything alone!”

Chloe nodded, “and I’m not a charity case Petrakis. I’m not expecting your sympathy.”

Grabbing her hands he tugged her so she’d have to look at him, “how many times have I told you I love you? You have no idea how many times I’ve dreamt of you coming back, coming to find me. That’s all I’ve wanted was a chance. Admittedly I had no idea that you wouldn’t be alone, I just never thought about a baby...but it’ll sink in soon. And I’m excited terrified, not devastated terrified! Have you been scared since you found out?”

                “Petrified.”

                “See! You’ve had a little more time; just give me that luxury, ok?”

She nodded, fighting the tears that wanted to fall, cursing her hormones she tried to look away, but he lifted her chin between his hands and used his thumbs to brush away the tears.  She bit her lip nervously conscious of his intense gaze and the sudden change in tension that his gentle gesture had caused.

With a knowing tilt of his head, he let the breath he was holding escape. “Chloe...”

It was a hug that contained so many emotions, the solidarity yet fear of new parenthood, the relief of finally coming back together, the hurt and the pain caused by each other, and maybe optimism for the future.

For Chris the feel of Chloe’s hard extended belly against his was a wonder, pulling back he looked nervously at her, “can I touch it?”

Smiling she took his hand then placed it over her belly, “it’s not moving much, so you can’t feel a great deal.”

Then there was a kick, the baby had been moving a lot, fluttering was how she’d describe it, tickling her almost, but as Chris’s hand settled over her hard abdomen there was a definite kick from within. He gasped and stared at her with wide eyes, “was that?”

Biting her lip she nodded then broke into a smile.

To Chris this was already amazing, how her body had stretched to accommodate the baby, her skin taught, her muscles firm, it was the most inspirational and attractive thing he’d ever experienced, and the most scary. And then he felt the kick and he felt as though he’d explode. “It’s amazing! Can we start this day again? Can I stand outside and knock the door and it’ll all be perfect?”

Chloe laughed, a breathy sound, “it’s normal that things go wrong Chris, and I should have told you sooner.”

But Chris didn’t want to talk, it had got him into too much trouble, and he was far too much emotional, he could only hope that he could show her how he felt, he’d made a real hash of trying to verbalise that so far.

Chloe knew he was about to kiss her, and as his lips lowered, she managed to slide the words, “I still want to hit you!” out of the side of her mouth, and it meant that they connected in a flash of laughter. But it was short-lived. Within seconds, Chloe was transported back to his flat in New York; the passion was immediate, consuming and overwhelming as it had been that day. But now she wasn’t savouring it for a memory to last her the rest of her life. Today was the start of their future. Chris’s lips were a distraction teasing her ear lobe, his teeth grazing her collar bone, that she barely noticed her clothes leaving her body, until she felt the cool air on her hot skin.

Stepping back he looked at her in the way she’d longed to see, with heat and desire flaming in his brown eyes. Chris was absorbed by her, her beautiful breasts that were fuller than before, engorged nipples that were darker, then there was the soft swell of her enlarged belly, stronger than any aphrodisiac. He was still expected downstairs at the banquet, but he didn’t care if he was fined, or suspended, nothing would drag him away from here, from her.

Chloe took his own distraction at her as the opportunity to start tugging at his clothes, he wore the rather gaudy All Stars tracksuit, or rather he had, the jacket was on the floor and she was lifting his t-shirt. Helping her he shrugged it off, leaving her to deal with his trousers. Frustrated he carried her to the bed, then stripped out of the rest of his clothes.

Despite her urgent need, she acknowledged the effect her altered hormones were having on her libido, Chris seemed determined to take things slowly, rediscover her body in an exquisitely torturous ritual. He’d barely started when she could cope no more, rolling him over she sat astride him.

                “Now, please!”

Throwing back his head he laughed, but that froze on his lips as she forced his hand in the situation by lowering herself on to him. Taking advantage of his shocked pleasure, and absorbing the feel of him filling her, it was a moment before she started to move, but it didn’t take long for him to catch up. Fascinated by the changes to her body, his hands were settled over their baby when he drove her over the edge, at that moment her hands flew to lie over his, and it was symbolic that  they were frozen like that when he exploded himself and joined her on the descent from their mutual high.

                “I can’t believe we just did that!” Chloe finally managed. “I was supposed to come to this hotel to talk to you. Explain everything that’s been going on! We’ve barely spoken.”

Chris’s eyes were closed, his arms pinning her to his body, “I screwed that up though, hey?”

She dropped her lips to kiss his chest, “you did. Sort of! But I should have been more honest with you anyway.”

He opened one eye to squint at her, “you knew back in London! You drank water not beer or wine!”

She traced his lips, unable to get enough of him, “no. I was suspicious, so I should have told you, but I was so stressed with the court case, my testimony, I wasn’t sleeping, wasn’t eating, I presumed that’s all it was. I really didn’t admit it to myself until last weekend.”

He closed his eyes again, “so I read on the internet that he was found guilty, that Pinker guy. Was it awful?”

Her hands had moved, and now she tugged his earlobe, “I thought it would be, but it was cathartic. It helped me understand a lot of things Chris. I know I’ve treated you terribly. And for so long none of it made sense, and it took the court case for me to realise. I’ve been scared, scared that you’d leave me if you knew the truth about me, I mean it’s not your average woman who has a medical history of trying to kill themselves, who misses her twin’s funeral because she’s in a mental health unit. I thought you’d hate me for that,” she smiled softly; “I wouldn’t have blamed you if you did. But with you I could be the old me, not the unstable me, and I loved that. Then there was the guilt, the pain...shit there’s so much to talk about and I’m making a complete hash of it!”

As he chuckled she sighed, “I think I’ve been scared of feeling as low as I did after Owen. I cared about you so much already, then I wondered what would happen if you left me, I was scared that I might hit that low point again. But by not telling you about all that had happened I created more of a barrier in my head. The less you knew, the more I had to lose. And I honestly thought that if I admitted to myself how much I cared about you, that I’d be going back to that place were life was so hard. I needed to be emotionally distant, independent. So all the time I wasn’t denying you as much as denying myself the chance. I don’t know if that makes sense. But it’s been a dark horrible world for so long. But it’s not anymore. I really couldn’t go back to hating myself that much.”

When she looked at him his eyes were wide open, all the humour gone, “It was never your fault. None of it was.”

She nodded, “I know that now. There was a bolt of lightning moment; you know where I suddenly saw things clearly. It wasn’t my fault that me and Owen fought that night, not really, and it wasn’t my fault that he came to mine, wanting to see me. We’d argued so many times, and it’d been worse than that...What changed was him, it was Pinker’s fault.”

Chris nodded, “exactly!”

                “But it was my own guilt that pushed me so low. I had to have the rude awakening that life was passing me by. Then as soon as I realised about the baby, well I knew I couldn’t run away from him or her, I’d have to face up to unconditional love and devotion with them.” She stroked his chest, “and I’d rather have another day, week, month of memories with you, than never see you again. I was pushing you away, to not hurt myself, but I was losing you anyway, so the pain was the same.”

His eyes were glittering as he looked at her, “you really have had a time of revelations!”

Nodding, she leaned across to kiss his lips, “I was scared to love you, scared to trust you.”

                “And now?” he held his breath as he watched her.

                “What I want is incidental! I DO love you, and I know I trust you! I may have had a few wobbles...”

The remaining words were lost against his lips as he kissed her, the fear, the relief...every emotion being thrust against her lips.

                “Wobbles?” He finally asked, lifting his head and looking down at her dazed expression.

Biting her lip she nodded, “earlier, at the youth training thing...I couldn’t get close to you, then when I did see you going into the changing room, a beautiful woman threw herself at you. I was so jealous...for about fifteen minutes I was so angry. But then I knew you weren’t the sort of person who’d throw their love around so easily. I knew that you still loved me.”

                “That was Rhea, my sister. She’s the one who’s a vet...well almost. You’ll love her Chloe; she’s the opposite of Tiana. You’ll see!”

Chloe grinned, “I turned my phone off though, in anger. I put it back on when I saw her with your mother and guessed who she was!”

He laughed, “You trust me hey?”

Grinning, she turned to drape herself across him, “I have to say I’d forgotten I’d turned the phone. It was when I saw your mother at the game that I realised I’d not even considered them, how they’d been with you.” She smiled “I wanted to let you know I was sorry for not asking, for not even being a good friend to you. I’ve been so self absorbed in my own pity that I’d forgotten that everyone has problems.”

Swiping a stray of hair behind her ear, he looked at her with wonder, “they’ve seen the error of their ways! I’m ‘allowed’ to pursue my sport. For now.”

                “I don’t know how this will all work Chris, I can’t be a lawyer anymore, I hate it, the whole sordid profession. Defending guilty criminals and being rewarded for that.”

He smiled, “you can do anything you want, you’re bright, clever. And right now you’ve got a moro to incubate in here!” He reached down her body to lay a protective hand over her stomach, “and I’ll do anything to look after you both.”

                “Moro?”

He nodded, “a baby. It’s Greek. Chloe I know you’ll hate me saying this, but you have to live here with me, at least until this baby is born. You can’t work or be financially independent until after he or she is born...”

Chloe silenced him with a finger over his lips. “I am fully expecting to stay here with you. Owen left me everything, and his flat has been sold. I have enough money to live for a couple of years, by which time...if we got married I could get a green card, and then I can work when the baby is older!”

Chris’s eyes were wide, “Miss Palmer, are you asking me to marry you? Is this as romantic as it gets? I mean since I was a young I’ve dreamed of the day when a beautiful woman would propose to me, and all I get is, ‘it’ll get me a green card’!”

She grinned and punched his arm, “I’ve been trying to work this out in my head. It’s all I have been thinking about. I don’t want to depend on you, but without a green card I can’t function. And it’s the only way to get one!” He raised a questioning eyebrow trying to stifle a laugh. Groaning she tried not to laugh, “And there’s no one else I’ve ever wanted to marry, and I don’t want my baby born without you being my husband!”

It blurted out in a rush and Chris laughed, “Then it’s a yes! When?”