After All - Part Fifty

Chapter Fifty

 

Matilda fell asleep almost immediately, her damp cheek against his shoulder and despite his body responding strongly and urgently to her form beside him, the smell in his nostrils, Dylan was happy to hold her, to feel the change in her breathing as sleep washed over her. Regardless of the fact that he was shattered, sleep eluded him, and instead he had to tolerate the almost torturous sensations of her moving, stretching and snoring softly.

He must have fallen asleep though because when he opened his eyes there was a stream of sunlight casting across the room through the drapes, he’d not noted the room the previous night, but it had two completely glass walls, the white drapes blocking out the sun, the blue sky and the amazing view out to sea.  The bed too was white, immaculate...except for the disarray of the sheets. The only sign that Matilda had come to his room that night. Rolling onto his back he looked from the bed to the en suite bathroom, the door was open, the room empty.

With a groan he reached for his watch, sat on the bedside table, almost nine locally. God only knew what time zone his body was still in, but he shrugged that off and pulled himself into sitting. He spotted his bag at the bottom of the wardrobe and stretching into standing he made for it, finding a pair of shorts he pulled them on and made for the lounge.

He didn’t know what he expected to find there, but it probably wasn’t Matilda in just a monochrome bikini, soaked to the skin, talking into the telephone attached to the wall near the door. She was like an oasis in the desert, she looked amazing and when she glanced up, saw him standing there, she gave him an unplanned and natural smile. And he was glad that he was wearing shorts.

                “Just ordering breakfast.” She offered as she bounced off in the direction of the bathroom.  

Leaving him to wonder in her wake.

Matilda looked at herself in the mirror, she was no longer scared of her name, she’d hidden behind Mattie for years, but it was Matilda who’d fallen in love with Dylan Wallace, the old her, and she had to accept that, accept who she was. She’d swam a few laps of the private pool after a quick trip back to her own room to change, now as she finger combed her hair, she knew they couldn’t put off talking any longer. The night in his arms had confirmed what she already knew; she couldn’t envisage losing him again. He had a lot of explaining to do, but she wanted to hear that, she wanted him to work it out; he had to make things good. She expected a verbal battle, he was a stubborn man, but she was determined to have her say, she wanted him to know how badly he’d treated her. But he’d come, so that gave her a confidence she’d lacked until now.

When she emerged, plaiting her hair, she spotted him pouring himself a large orange juice.

                “You want one?”

His voice was gruff from sleep and his normally immaculate hair was standing at right angles to his scalp. With a little chuckle she nodded, “please.”

He poured another glass from a large jug and then handed it to her, “you been swimming?”

She nodded, “early morning is the best time. Not too hot, not too busy...”

                “I was jealous.”

He blurted the words out and it made her head snap up in surprise, “what?”

Sighing he dropped his eyes, “last night, you with that boy...”

She gasped, amazed that is was him that started the conversation, and it caught her on the back foot, “nothing happened, you had no need to be jealous.”

His eyes studied her, “don’t I?”

She shook her head, “I didn’t think you’d come.”

Sighing he looked at her, “the world and his wife wanted to make me pay; your fan club is growing daily. If I didn’t already feel like a bastard, they were all waiting to ram it down my throat. And then there’s my ego...My head doesn’t think straight when I’m around you, I can’t believe the things I do...I don’t know myself around you.” He sighed. “I’ve had a lot of time to think...to work out what I’ve done wrong. And I know that I needed to come see you.”

That made her open her eyes wide, staring at him, this was like a dream, he had really thought about things? As explanations went it lacked SO much, but he’d actually thought about his role in everything, he wasn’t here to shout at her, to try and make her see his side, that had been her worry, no he was humble, sorry, he'd come to talk properly.“You have?”

He nodded, “I know that this is all my fault, me and you. It’s all due to me.”

At that moment there was a knock at the door, with a frustrated sigh, Dylan answered it, and a small stocky Thai waiter pushed a trolley laden with food into the room, thanking him, he handed the man a large denomination baht note, then closed the door, whist Matilda took the opportunity to think about what he’s said as she pushed the trolley out onto the veranda.

                “Are you expecting five for breakfast?” He called after her as she lifted the lids on the trays to reveal coffee, fruit salad, sweet breads, a fluffy omelette and waffles.

She shook her head with a grin, “no, but it is all so good, I kind of ordered a bit of everything.”

He watched her start to pour coffee and sighed, it was like the calm before the storm.

                “It’s beautiful here,” she commented sat opposite him.

Dylan nodded, “it is. Your father chose well.”

                “How did you find me? My father doesn’t know I’m here.” She’d thought she’d be angry but his humility, his apologies had all set her off balance.

Shrugging he reached for a strawberry from the bowl of fruit, “I managed to locate Gareth, but he had no idea where you were. Told me to leave you alone...” he smiled, “not my biggest fan.” He ate the fruit then continued, “then Brandy worked magic, I don’t know how, but she found out you’d checked in here, so I came straight away. I’m just glad that you hadn’t moved on.”

Looking up at her he offered an awkward smile, “I should never have reacted as I did. I understand what you did, and why. You were on your own...and it’s just one of many disastrous things that have happened between us.”

She nodded feeling tears pick at her eyes again, “the last five years have been hell for me Dylan, I couldn’t have managed a baby mentally, emotionally or financially. There’s not a day goes past that I don’t regret that decision, but I would do it the same if I had my time over.” She just prayed that they could move on, get past that dreadful time.

But there were tears in his eyes too, what she’d imagined would be a shouting match, when they finally sorted things out, instead it was emotional, and they were maybe finally accepting how hard things had been for the other, was this what they needed?

                “When those divorce papers arrived...I was devastated. But I was on the verge of great things. It was easier for me to concentrate on my work than what it meant to have driven you away. Initially I thought I’d come back, win you over...but it never worked like that. And instead I just blamed you.” He dropped his head for a moment, “but it hurt me more than anything ever has. I’ve had time to look back on what happened, and I’m not proud, but in my defence, I wanted to be everything to you, if I was, then you’d not look for someone better...”

                “Like your mother?” She sighed, knowing instinctively what was wrong. “I’m not her.”

He once again met her eyes, “I know that...but you are the only person who ever expressed love for me, REAL love. And I never wanted to lose you. You were working with all those successful bankers, high powered dinners, trips around the world...I wanted to be better so you’d never be tempted. That was my first mistake not trusting you.”

She smiled, “you trusted me, but you didn’t believe in yourself, that’s different. Your mother is horrendous, the greatest party organiser, the best social butterfly, but the worst mother, and not loving you enough...that’s her fault. Nothing that you did would change her; she’s just one of life’s crap parents.”

He smiled, “you always knew that?”

She nodded, “why do you think I came to the hotel when I knew you were meeting her a few months back? She’s toxic to your confidence. You have never stood up to her, and she’s never listened to anything you want from life.”

                “It’s not an excuse for letting you run away. Letting you leave my life with no fight. But I thought I wasn’t good enough as I was.”

                “And I’d have happily lived in a dump with you and starve.”

He laughed, “I’m starting to believe that.”

                “It’s true, I’ve never loved anyone like I did you Dylan, and whilst I pretended to hate you for the last few years, I didn’t really. But it was easier to hate than to constantly deal with a broken heart. You did ruin me...and then you wanted to rush into things uncaring. I told you that I wasn’t ready, that we needed to talk...”

He groaned, “I just want it to be as it was, as it used to be. Can you love me again?”

Leaning forward she shook her head, “it can’t be like it was, it HAS to be different, we’re not the same people, we’ve changed. And we need to talk things through.”

He hung his head, she’d not addressed the love question and he hated that, she knew. But there was still a part of her that she needed to protect. Sighing he murmured, “talking is dangerous, and there are things I never wanted to deal with, things I didn’t want to front it out.”

She reached for his hand, “but things have happened. We HAVE to talk about everything. Otherwise this will keep happening, we’ll keep getting crossed wires, we’ll tear each other apart. You want this to work?”

                “More than anything.”

She smiled, “then you’ve got to talk, you’ve got to understand what happened...” they both paused for a moment. “We can’t go from being distant to living with each other taking up where we left off.”

Dylan leaned back in his chair, “you mean you want to date?”

She chuckled, “yes! That’s what we did years ago, we know the old version of each other, not the new, and we need to get to know each other properly...in the right order, otherwise we’ll fall into bed, and it’ll fog everything.”

                “You mean no sex?”

She looked at his earnest face; he was wearing every emotion so openly. And it made her smile, “you overwhelm me, you make it difficult to concentrate. We need to get this right Dylan. I can’t do this a third time, I can’t let you hurt me again.”

Dylan stood and walked across to the end of the veranda, leaning against the railings looking out to sea. She stood and followed him, standing next to him. He looked defeated.

                “You don’t want to?”

He turned and gave a self deprecating laugh, “want what? You? More than anything in the world, but I hurt you, so much, so often. I don’t want to do it again, as much as you don’t.”

Matilda smiled, “we’ve had a lot of good times together, we work well as a team...we can do this if we do it right.”

                “I can’t forget the way you looked when you walked out last week, I did that to you, and I didn’t care. I put myself first. What sort of man does that make me?”

Still smiling she cupped his cheek with her hand, “a man who still doesn’t know how to be loved.”

                “You still care about me?”

She slipped in front of him between the railings and his body, “you KNOW I do. And I know that deep down you love me too. And we have a few days in this corner of paradise, for you to show me how much.”

Dylan looked down at her beautiful smile, “I’ll be showing you more than just my love if you keep rubbing yourself up against me in just a bikini.”

As a response the minx pressed her hips in to his, then slipped out of his grasp, erotically biting a strawberry as she disappeared inside. 

After All - Part Forty Nine

Chapter Forty Nine

                “Matilda, you ok?” Paul asked quietly from behind. Mattie could feel the tension in her shoulders. Dylan looked furious, though he had no right. She had no idea how he’d found her, and as usual his attitude angered her, but a large part of him was drinking in the sight of him, there in the hotel...despite that she couldn’t help but remember how he’d spoken to her - so maliciously, so harshly. He had hurt her, and there was no sign that he was feeling any different now as he glowered at her, always the one to have an agenda, an opinion. But he did look amazing in a suit, all suits, and this was a brave choice of clothing considering the weather, but then Dylan could carry off anything. He didn’t even look ruffled. Though he looked furious.

She sighed, that was the enigma that was Dylan Wallace, with one look he could turn into a ball of blazing fury, yet another gesture or glance could turn her into an emotional fuzz ball, all doe-eyed and devoted, because no matter what he did, what he said, she loved him, and he was a long way from changing that. All that had happened five years ago hadn’t changed how she felt, and there was no sign that she felt different now. Not that she was about to let him get away with his recent behaviour, the way he’d treated her. But he’d come. He hadn’t come to shout, to chastise her, of that she was sure, it wouldn’t make sense. But what exactly he wanted, she wasn’t sure. If he offered her an apology there and then, what would she say? She was no push over, she wasn’t about to let him make demands of her.  She’d lived with so much guilt for SO long. No more.

Turning to Paul, she’d almost forgotten he was there, “I’ll be fine. Thanks for caring though, and thanks for tonight.”

He looked between her and the still snarling Dylan and shook his head, “I’ll leave you here, but I’m not sure that’s the best thing.”

She gave a smile, “he won’t hurt me...not physically anyway. I’ll be fine.”

Paul gave a nod, then turned, leaving her to her fate.

Taking a deep breath and stretching to her full height, she started what felt like a death walk towards him.

Dylan hated the swath of emotions that were currently battling for supremacy in his brain. He was exhausted. He knew that much, he’d left London in the evening...was that yesterday? The flight from London had taken eleven hours, then there was the time change...and he’d missed his connection, so he’d not hit this resort until early evening, to be told that Matilda’s room was empty.

He’d not checked into his room, he had to see her first, the thought of a shower, a sleep...he doubted he’d see outside his suite for a whole twenty four hours if he succumbed to that luxury now, he was THAT shattered. So he’d sat in the reception, or rather perched on a stool at the bar nearest there, thinking that he’d fall asleep if he relaxed in to a chair.

And finally after what felt like hours, he’d spotted her enter the courtyard of the hotel. Jumping to his feet, he rushed to see her, desperate to blurt out how sorry he was, how much he wanted to apologise, explain. Instead he almost exploded to see her arm in arm with some beach bum. As he got to the hotel door, she was hugging him, reaching up to kiss him on the cheek. The rational part of him told him if he was more than an acquaintance, she’d have give him more than a peck on the cheek, and in his heart he knew that she wasn’t the type to dive so quickly into something with another man. After all, she’d not wanted or tried to date a man in the five years that they were apart, let alone the last two weeks. But that didn’t stop the veil of green envy wash over him so dramatically.

He was jealous, that stunned him for a moment, he was jealous that another man could see Matilda laugh, that another man had made her smile.

                “What the HELL are you doing here?”

Like a pin to a balloon, his bubble of realisation burst with a loud bang. He stepped back, literally as she hissed the words at him. “I came to see you, of course. Look there’s a lot to talk about.” He ran his hand over his eyes, exhausted.

                “So YOU want to talk now? He who avoided everything for so long. When did you pull your head out of the sand?” There was venom in her voice and he couldn’t be angry at that.

Dylan groaned, “you’ve every reason to be angry...”

She shook her head, “NO. You have no idea what is going on in my head Dylan Wallace, do NOT presume to know what I am thinking, you hear?”

He watched as her take a deep breath and march past him, determined to disappear.

Mattie sighed, a few more steps and it would have been ok, she’d have got to her room, locked herself in, regrouped, rebuilt her defences and been prepared for any other confrontation. But he reached out and grabbed her arm. And the contact, his skin on hers, it was like an electric shock, her whole consciousness zoomed in to that piece of her body, those fingers touching her, wrapping around her wrist.

                “Matilda...don’t go. Please.”

Before she looked up she blinked furiously trying to clear the tears that threatened to fall, she couldn’t cry in front of him, she wouldn’t, but he brought out so many feelings in her, and her inadequacies, her faults mixed with all that she felt about him, and the fact that he was there, that she’d wanted him, but never really believed he would come, “it’s too late Dylan, I can’t do this.”

He shook his head, “no, it’s not. Ok, I was wrong, can’t you let me explain?”

Staring at his eyes, she felt her heart start to pound, he looked tired, his eyes were red, they lacked their usual sparkle, and his face looked pale.

                “You look terrible.”

She blurted the words out without thinking.

He sighed, a slow expulsion of air, “I’ve been travelling for twenty four hours, I have felt better.”

She didn’t want to feel pity for him, but suddenly all her confidence was ebbing away, she was too emotionally fraught to battle things out now, but she knew she wanted to hear what he had to say, she owed herself that. But as fraught as she was, he looked exhausted too, they managed to screw up conversations when they were aware, at their best, talking now was a recipe for disaster. “You need sleep. You got a room?” He nodded. “Meet me tomorrow, breakfast?” She pointed to a doorway in the distance, “that’s the restaurant. We both need rest or we’ll ruin any chance of being civil. See you at nine.”

With that she walked away whilst she still could, because her legs had turned to jelly and she wasn’t sure she’d make it as far as her room.

Dylan watched her walk away along the open corridor into the distance, he wanted to run after her, but he’d seen the sheen of tears in her eyes, she needed time to compose herself, and he needed sleep. That was a given.

The villa he’d booked, or rather Brandy had for him, was the best in the hotel. Beach front with a private pool, a private veranda off the master bedroom, a luxury bar and fridge filled with drinks and food, and two huge bedrooms, each with an en suite bathroom. Whilst he was desperate for sleep, his body screaming for it, he needed a shower, he wanted Mattie with him when he settled down, he wanted them to be sorted, but that wasn’t going to be an easy thing. He needed a shower, maybe a drink, then he could sleep, that was a must.

The shower was perfect, washing away the dust of twenty four hours in the same clothes, the air conditioning of the aeroplane, the taxis, then the dust from the heat and smog of London and Bangkok. The hotel shower gel was lime and pepper, invigorating, and the shower was powerful the water refreshing. He felt a little more human as he finally emerged, then half dry; he poured himself a whisky, downing half of it in one huge gulp.

It was then he heard a tap, quiet at first so he thought he’d missed it, then a little bolder.

Pulling open the door expecting to see a member of the hotel staff there, he was ready to snap, “WHAT?” But it wasn’t a Thai receptionist or housekeeper, stood there tears flooding down her face was Matilda.

Mattie had showered, she’d tried to sleep, but she couldn’t stop her heart racing, the nausea rising. All she could think of was Dylan somewhere else in the hotel with all the answers, answers she needed desperately to the questions that were keeping her awake, stopping her function. He was too tired to talk now, she knew that, but she couldn’t settle with the thought that he was for all intents and purpose under the same roof as her. She pulled a shirt over her vest and shorts and slid on a pair of flip flops. A lap of the complex, alongside the beach and back through the reception did nothing to settle her nerves and anxiety. As she walked back towards her room, via the same beach lined path, she spotted Dylan, in the biggest villa, right at the edge of the complex, he was wearing just a towel, walking across the well lit lounge, the curtains all still open.

She found her legs walking towards him, before her brain registered, and despite the tears. As she stepped towards the front door every cell in her body screamed out in conflict, what would she say when he opened the door? What did she want him to say? Instead of answers, the sadness, the loneliness and the pain of not just the last two weeks, but the years prior to that washed over her in huge waves of tears. She could barely control them, and even at the moment the door opened she didn’t know why she was there, what she wanted, other than to stare at the man that made her cry that hard.

He stood there, still just a towel draped low around his hips. His face contorted from what seemed like anger, to surprise, and then concern as he took in the tears, “Matilda...” He name was a moan.

She stepped into the room and threw her arms around his neck, burying her face into his warm skin. Needing his arms around her, needing someone to take the load for her.

                “It’s not this easy, we both know that,” she sniffled finally lifting her head, “but I needed that. You are an A class bastard who keeps ruining my life, but I needed that hug.”

He sighed, wiping the tears from her cheeks, “what the hell have I done to you? Will you ever forgive me?”

With a shrug she stared up at him, “don’t think that this means I forgive you...”

                “But you want a hug?”

She nodded, “I’m fed up of being alone.”

He smiled, “I’ve being dying to hug you too.”

That made her smile, “can I stay here? You have to sleep, we need to talk...”

                “But you want to stay here?” Biting her lip nervously, she gave a little nod, and Dylan felt his heart lurch with desire at the gesture, “do you trust me not to pounce on you?”

                “If you want to sort this out you won’t.”

With a knowing nod, he took her hand, leading her into the bedroom, whilst his libido would struggle to have her lie with him all night, the immense fatigue, combined with the desire not to fuck things up this time, meant that he’d not do that, he’d accept this gesture as something they both needed, to spend the night together.

Tomorrow would bring the talking, the things they should have discussed months, if not years ago. They had to analyse every inch of their relationship from start to finish, and he wasn’t proud of most of what he’d done. But he could be her strength, he could hold her, care for her until the tears he caused stopped flowing, it was the least he could do, he owed her SO much more.

After All - Part Forty Eight

Chapter Forty Eight

It wasn’t easy, realising you were wrong, that your world had fallen apart because of something YOU did, for years Dylan had hidden behind Matilda, blaming her for everything that had happened, he’d fuelled that hatred as he’d surged emotionlessly into huge business decisions, and that had seen him reap rewards. All the while, the real victim of everything was suffering on SO many levels. He had to find her, he had to tell her that he loved her, he had to show her that he was sorry, and more than anything, to tell her he loved her, that he wanted to listen, wanted to talk as she’d tried to make him.

Dropping his head to his desk in frustration, he only wished it was that easy. No one knew where she was. It had taken him five days to track down a number for her father...or rather after four days; he found out that Gareth Davies, her brother, worked at a bank in Chiang Mai. And he’d just hung up on his ex brother-in-law who frankly had little to say to him, and was quick to remind him of how he’d disappeared so dramatically causing chaos in his wake. A few days earlier and Dylan would have taken that bait, shouted and screamed back, justified things...but he didn’t.

                “Will you ask her to call me Gareth? If you won’t let me speak to her.”

Gareth laughed, “speak to her? Call her? I haven’t seen her in the flesh for over a year, and other than the odd emails we don’t speak that often.”

                “She said she was coming to you, taking a holiday.”

A firm denial came down the line, “she had never visited here, though I invite her every holiday. Given up asking. Do the right thing Wallace...leave her alone.”

Dylan shook his head uncaring that he couldn’t see that, “no way. I love her Gareth, and I will do ANYTHING to make her realise that. If you see her tell her that!”

He looked at the phone that he’d slammed onto the receiver, he had no plan B. Sarah hadn’t heard from Matilda, he’d begged that information out of her friend, and had had to confess his intentions to her in great detail. Telling an employee that he was in love with her boss was something he thought he’d find embarrassing, or even humiliating, but it was quite liberating.

Picking up the phone again he called Brandy, she was still in town and she was always him most reliable asset.

                “Book me a flight to Thailand ASAP.”

                “Have you found her?” Brandy asked optimistically.

                “No,” he groaned, “but I can’t sit here doing nothing. If I’m there, I at least feel I’m doing SOMETHING.”

He could hear Brandy rustling papers, “do you know that she definitely went to Thailand?”

                “No.” Dylan hated the defeated sound in his own voice. “I’ve tried contacting a few PI’s, seeing if anyone can shed some light. But no one has got back to me.”

                “Leave it with me...I’ll call you as soon as I can...start packing.”

An hour later he’d packed, it was years since he’d taken time off, a holiday of sorts. Whilst that wasn’t what this was, he had to go, he had to see her, this wasn’t a whim, a luxury, sometime away. This was necessity, he had to find her, and then take as long as was necessary to convince her that he was what she wanted, the man she needed. It could take weeks...and he was willing to let everything go to rack and ruin at work, if that was what it took.

As he closed his bag he stood up stunned. That was it. He’d been willing to let her go to make his fortune, Matilda hadn’t been enough, he’d felt he needed more...suddenly he knew that had been his biggest mistake. It HADN’T been enough, being successful, being rich hadn’t made him happy, he didn’t have fun, he didn’t run along the riverbank holding hands in the rain, he didn’t laugh at old movies, he didn’t have tickle fights in bed on a Sunday morning, or come home to a home smelling of some delicious treat, none of that happened anymore, and he slept alone. Every night.

He’d packed what he felt were essentials, a couple of pairs of shorts, t-shirts, and dare he take swimming gear? He wore a pale suit to travel; he’d always liked to be impeccably dressed on a flight, even if it was long haul, and even if he was travelling into potentially tropical weather. He still had no idea where she was, but being in Thailand, he felt he was making a step in the right direction.

Back in his office he was loading his laptop and tablet into his travel bag, when the door burst open, “call me THE best PA a man can have and I might just share this with you.” Brandy was beaming, waving a piece of paper from the doorway.

                “What is it?” When she put a hand to her ear waiting for the compliment he groaned, “you KNOW you’re the greatest, stop fishing for compliments and give me that, whatever it is or I’ll bloody sack you!”

That made her laugh, and handing him the single page she smiled, “credit card used in the Prip Khan Resort, Hua Hin.”

He looked a little blank and she smiled, “it’s a coastal resort a couple of hours south of Bangkok.” Reaching in her other pocket she handed him another piece of paper. “British Airways to Bangkok from Heathrow, in four hours, with a transfer to the resort on arrival.”

                “How did you...”

She grinned, “got a contact who can tap into banking systems...completely illegal so I won’t say anything else, other than there’s a car on the way to take you to Heathrow.”

With a knowing smile she turned to leave, but him calling her name caused her to stop in her path, turning she found herself swamped by a bear hug from her boss, the first time she’d ever felt him =emotional fragility. When they pulled apart she smiled at him,” don’t screw this up, ok?”

He nodded, staring at her for a long moment, “I owe you...more than a pay rise.”

She laughed, “seeing you like this, finally going for what you believe in, it’s reward enough. Now go.”

As he reached reception a black limo was pulling up at the door, as he made for it, a voice called him and looking back he saw Sarah stood smiling, “bring her back?”

He nodded, gave a nervous smile, then rushed out to the car.

Hua Hin had seemed like a beach paradise when she arrived, and the more that Mattie explored, the more she loved it. The beaches were amazing, and she'd read a dozen books in the shade of the palm trees. She’d found an amazing and cheap restaurant serving freshly caught fish on stilts over the sea, then there were the streets filled with shops, and bars, and restaurants. There were also a lot of ex pats living there, in most places she wandered she'd struck up a conversation with a Brit or at least an English speaker who’d retired out there. Suddenly it was a little easier to fill the evenings. The days were still difficult, as were the night’s when a handsome dark man occupied her every thought, but when she was out socialising, she managed to relax.

Tonight there was a tribute band playing in a bar in town, and she’d decided to go there. A few drinks, some delicious food, then she’d be home and in bed by midnight. Her father had called and emailed her repeatedly, but she was in no rush to head up to Chiang Mai to see him, not yet, not when she was still prone to bursting into tears at every opportunity.

She’d bought so much since she’d been in Thailand, and tonight she dressed in a silk sarong, wrapping it around her body and knotting it behind her neck, her hair had been clipped up onto the top of her head since she’d arrived in the country, it was too hot to do anything else. No makeup, just a single necklace of beads, and shell covered flip-flops, she’d never felt so relaxed, London came with so much pretence, so many rules, as did her job, to be relaxed, casual, made such a difference.

The reception to the hotel was modern, marble, clean, almost sterile. Mattie smiled at the reception staff as she headed out in the direction of the town. The bar that had the band playing was a short walk. She found a table easily, near the small dance floor, and as a waiter approached she ordered a local beer and relaxed. The room got busier, and it was almost ten o’clock when two older women approached and asked to share her table. This happened most nights, and she was always grateful to meet new people.

                “So you’re here on your own?”

The two fifty year old American women were bubbly and fun, and for ten minutes had told her all about the trip they’d been planning for ten years. They were old school friends, and this was their big adventure, Japan, Malaysia, Singapore...after Thailand they were going to Cambodia and Vietnam, then home in another six weeks. But as with everyone else she met, the questions about the reasons behind her solo trip were inevitability.

                “My father lives in the North, I’m just relaxing before heading up to the mountains.”

They nodded, “sounds exciting, but a lovely looking girl like you should have a strong man to fight off the attention.” Madge, the blonde of the two nudged her then nodded in the direction of a table across the dance floor, several men sat there, they seemed to be tourists, which wasn’t uncommon and one man in particular kept glancing over.

                “I’m not interested Madge, this is a man free holiday!”

They both laughed, “we know that, don’t we Olivia?”

Olivia a glamorous brunette grinned, “both did twenty years of hellish marriage before realising there was more to life than being someone else’s servant. We’ve both been liberated since haven’t we?”

Madge nodded, “you bet. And who knew how popular us cougars could be?”

Mattie groaned, “too much information ladies, please!”

All three laughed. As the band cranked up, Madge and Olivia dominated the dance floor, and all too soon the young male tourists were dancing with them, whooping and hollering as they dirty danced their way around the room.

Mattie ordered a final beer; she’d go back after that, plan her trip to Chiang Mai. As it was placed on the table, the man who’d been watching her earlier lowered himself into Madge’s empty chair.

                “Mind if I join you?”

She sighed, this wasn’t what she wanted, “this is my last drink then I’m leaving.”

Shrugging he gestured for the waiter and ordered a beer himself, “I can accept fifteen minutes of sensible company!” He nodded with his head in the direction of the table he’d just left and the other members of his group who were obviously intent on partying.

“They’ve been like this since we left Manchester nine months ago. Some people never grow up!”

Mattie smiled, he was young, a lot younger than her, yet she had to admit he seemed more mature than any of his friends, and he was nothing like her type if she was looking, with his blond hair, blue eyes, and very tanned and muscular. But he had a funny laugh and a dimple in his right cheek when he smiled, so she sat back and stared at him. Grinning he held out a hand, “Paul, Paul Kenton.”

Taking his hand she grinned, “Matilda, Matilda Davies.” The use of her name surprised her, she’d been Mattie for so long, but she had no reason to hide anymore, no reason to be someone else. She was Matilda, and she was proud of that, for the first time in years.

                “I was hoping to have company whilst they parole like tomcats. Again.”

She had studied him then grinned, “company I can do, but definitely no more.”

Paul was funny, he sat with her, completely understanding that she wasn’t looking for a relationship, she didn’t go into detail, other than to say the trip was time to find herself again. He didn’t question her further, and it wasn’t until then that he admitted that he’d had more than his fingers burned by a woman he’d met in Australia, two months of passion and pleasure had ended when he’d found her in bed with someone else. Whilst they’d only been together a short while, he’d began to think about changing his plans, extending his time travelling as he was, and it had hurt him more than he thought possible. He told her that the first time he cast eyes on her he could sense the same lack of interest in her eyes, the same distrust and pain.

By the time he’d updated her on what sounded like a harem of women and incidents in various countries, they looked up to see the two mentioned men disappearing out of the door with the two self professed cougars, much to his continued amusement and embarrassment.

                “I don’t know who’s the more desperate,” he laughed.

Mattie grinned, “I think the women...they were so up for ensnaring a man tonight. Can’t believe they’ve got one young enough to be their son!”

Paul laughed, “those two will teach them a thing or two, don’t worry!”

Mattie drained her bottle, “I really should get back.”

                “I’ll walk you.”

She shook her head, “I shouldn’t.” She was nervous, he was a stranger. Anything could happen.

Sensing her fear he sighed, “you’re right to be worried, but I assure you I’m a boy scout. And I won’t sleep until I know you’re home safely.”

She eyed him suspiciously for a while, “I’ve got a rape alarm and a demon right hook.”

That made him laugh, “remind me to stand on the right side of you!”

Offering her an elbow, she nodded, tucking her hand into it, then allowed him to lead her out of the bar.

It was still hot, but the humidity of the day was gone and as they walked he pointed out the hotel they were staying in along the beach, “nowhere as posh as this one!”

She smiled, “well I’m a working woman, not a student like you.”

He nodded, “woman not girl, duly noted.”

They got to the entrance to her hotel, “thanks for the escort, I wasn’t in any danger, but it’s nice to have company in the dark.”

He grinned, “glad to be at you service!” He gave a mock bow, then turned to kiss her on the cheek. “If you fancy some company tomorrow or the next few days you know where we are. Leave a message at reception.”

She grinned, “thanks Paul, you are a nice guy. If I wasn’t so screwed up over things...”

Chuckling he nodded his head, “me too.”

Then she threw her arms around him and gave him a hug, kissing his cheek. “You’ve cheered me up.”

As she turned to walk into the hotel she stopped dead in her tracks.

                “You ok?” Paul asked, noting her hesitation.

She nodded without looking at him, “the screwed up shit...that’s it.”

Paul’s eyes followed hers to the man stood scowling in the doorway. Dylan.

After All - Part Forty Seven

Chapter Forty Seven 

Mattie kicked sand as she walked in the surf, it was hot, and the location was perfect. Everything she could have imagined a Thai beach resort to be. Except she was alone. When she’d been in Bangkok the hustle and bustle, the lights, the sounds, the people crammed onto pavements, the trips on tuktuks and the fellow travellers meant that she rarely had time to think about what had happened, why she was there. But now, here, in this idyllic place, designed for romance and couples if not honeymooners, she was alone, and it was never more apparent than at any time in the last five years.

She’d spent most of the last six years trying not to miss Dylan, to convince herself that the decisions she made were right, that everything was his fault. Since he’d been back she’d wanted to tell him everything, wanted to share the past with him, she knew it would be hard, for her AND him, but it was important, as was being realistic. That was something that he had never been good at. Dylan wafted through life on such a simplistic level, taking everything at face value, never truly looking any distance into the future. It was his biggest downfall, and seemed that that hadn’t changed in the years since they’d divorced.

And the pain that avoidance caused was huge. The paradise she was staying in was designed for lovers, and she was alone, she hated the way eyes looked at her with sympathy, and in the end, she’d had taken to dining in her room. Avoiding being the only solo person, like Billy-no-mates in the dining room. Fortunately she hadn’t travelled to Koh Samui or some other idyllic resort that was both beautiful AND isolated; at least here there were streets that she could wander, places where she could lose herself. But the relative serenity as she did that, there meant that there was nowhere to hide, and little else to occupy her conscious level...other than Dylan...and how it had all gone so drastically wrong.

Dropping down to sit on the sand, she thought about the emails she’d received earlier, half a dozen requests to meet to discuss a variety of jobs she’d shown interest in. She had to decide what she wanted to do, at the moment the thought of returning to London, to work, to no home, no life was less than appealing. She was seriously tempted to walk into town and get a job in a bar. The thought of just living, enjoying...for the first time in years she had no one excepting of her, no demands, no job, no commitments. She was free. Dylan knew that she wasn’t coming back, she’d made that blatantly clear, and for years she longed for this moment, this freedom. But now, the reality of being free of all responsibilities, being alone was the last thing she wanted. She wanted Dylan there with her, despite the way he’d spoken to her, despite his anger, his lack of trust...she’d thrust all her eggs in his basket ten years earlier. She’d not stopped loving him after all that happened almost six years ago, there was little chance that his behaviour now would change how she felt. She was doomed!

                “So are you going to give her a glowing reference?”

Dylan looked up from his desk at Brandy, “well I can’t say no, can I?”

She shrugged, “you can if you don’t give a shit.”

                “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Brandy gave a half shrug, “you have let her go Dylan, I’m just surprised that’s all.”

He stood up and marched towards her, “really? What does that mean?!”

Brandy’s knowing grin was enough to wind him into a fury, “at last! Jesus Dylan, this woman is the love of your life, you’ve screwed up and rather than sort it out, you’re sitting here feeling sorry for yourself. She is going to get a new job, she’s going to move on and you’ll never see her again. I just don’t think that’s what you want.”

“You don’t KNOW what I want!”

Laughing she gave her head a shrug, “really? You are like a bear with a sore head, do you want my advice?” When he didn’t answer merely scowled, she laughed again, “well you’ll get it regardless, find her, and break a habit of a lifetime...LISTEN to her, talk to her, and understand her. Because you are the worst person in the world when it comes to sharing yourself.” She tapped his chest over his heart, “open that to her or you WILL lose her forever. Because she deserves better than she’s had. YOU know that.”

                “And I deserve less? Is that it?”

Brandy shook her head, “she’s perfect for you, if you work hard, you’ll get her...and that’s exactly what you deserve!”

He made a noise that sounded like an animalistic grunt, then stormed out of the office leaving Brandy grinning in his wake.

He hadn’t been back to his London apartment since leaving Matilda there two weeks earlier, but now that he’d stormed out of the hotel he had nowhere else to go. He hated that he felt dread going back there, this was a place that would always remind him of that amazing time they’d had the very same weekend he’d stormed off and left her.

As he entered the apartment he was stunned to see six large boxes and bags stacked near the door, a note attached to them was adorned with Matilda’s familiar scrawly handwriting.

                “I’m having these boxes stored, just waiting to find out where I’ll be. Hope you don’t mind them cluttering your hallway for a week or two?”

Mind? He sighed with sadness, that was all that she had to show for her twenty eight years of life, a few boxes. She was always someone who’d filled their home with cushions and posters and that bloody ridiculous jug that she’d found in some antique shop that she had cleaned then painted and filled with flowers every week. A huge thing that took over their tiny dining table. There was no sign of that, or her patchwork bedspreads, or the wicker baskets that she’d filled with toiletries. It had all gone, reduced to essential things only. That was his fault; he was starting to see that, she’d lost the walls around her due to his debt. She’d always worked hard, always been so reliable. But it still didn’t mean she had to terminate his baby, their baby...or not tell him about him.

He lifted the lid on the top box, books, shoes and a few handbags...the other boxes contained immaculately stored clothes - her business suits, dresses...in the last box were a few pairs of jeans, some running gear, and then he saw it, the small box, no bigger than a shoe box, but it was the way it was decorated that stood out. It was covered in paper that he recognised; wall paper from their bedroom in the flat they bought when they got married...the home she’d lost. A chintzy number, pale with flowers, a real girly room, and he’d been happy to let her have her way to decorate there as she had everywhere else...in fact he’d come to appreciate the feminine boudoir they shared, and that paper immediately whizzed him back to that home, that time. 

He could almost see Matilda, lying on the huge antique bedstead, peeping over the top of the duvet as he came home from work a wicked and suggestive grin enticing him into the bed. She had the ability to turn him on even in dream and memory form.

Shaking his head he managed to clear the images, but not the box that had somehow appeared in his hands.  Placing it on the sofa, he took off the lid, knowing that he was prying, but impelled to do this.  He gasped as he looked inside. He’d recognise that album anywhere, hemp covered and adorned with dozens of tiny mirrored discs, it was unique, and something he brought back from a weekend in Morocco. Holding it in his hands he groaned, he knew what would be inside, but something inside him made him want to drop it and run away, but he couldn’t. Instead he opened it, and felt his heart break all over again, the first page was Matilda in the beautiful simple yet elegant dress she’d worn on their wedding dress, her father proud to her right, her late mother there beaming to her left. |Then there was a photo of him, in his morning suit, his father had been there, it had been a year before he died, Hank Wallace was a strong jawed Texan, and he dwarfed Dylan in that picture. Each page brought back more raw memories of the last time he was truly, truly happy.

As well as the album, the box contained framed photos, their marriage certificate, holiday snaps, every piece of jewellery he’d ever bought her - costume and real, and then in the furthest corner was the small velvet box, and inside were her wedding ring, her engagement ring, and the diamond pendant she’d worn on her wedding day.

The way these items were stored, lovingly, protectively suddenly gave him an insight into how devastating the break up had been for her. He’d been so proud, so eager to hide his pain when the divorce papers arrived. He’d ignored them for a few days, then signed them angrily...

And if you hadn’t? If you’d put YOUR dream aside to think of the woman you’d left behind? If you’d come home then and sorted it would things be different? He hated the voice that questioned everything he did, but he knew in this case that he’d blamed Matilda for everything. If had HAD come home, if he hadn’t been so childish, so un prepared to face up to the truth, then he’d have come home, made up with her - whatever it took, and maybe even saved her from having to decide about the baby.

He’d blamed her, so vitriolic in his belief, holding himself so free and blameless from all that went wrong, but as he looked at the lovingly stored memories of his marriage, he knew that the person who’d collected them had been devastated, was hanging on to memoirs that were precious. Matilda hadn’t WANTED to lose him, suddenly that was very clear. He’d abandoned her; he’d left her to deal with their marriage failing alone, to watch their marital home be snapped up by debt collectors, to make what was the only possible decision about their baby. He could see that now, so clearly, so clearly that it hurt.

                “Shit Matilda, how the hell did I get this all so wrong?”