After All - Part Forty Four

Chapter Forty Four

Mattie felt the room start to spin; she was still staring at Dylan, seeing the words slowly register as his face changed from confident, in-control, to pained, devastated, shocked. He was staring at Andy but his eyes slowly turned to find her, questions, pain, hurt there for all to see.

                “Matilda?” His voice was quiet, overtly calm, almost controlled and bereft of emotion, that made her realise how devastating this was for him.

She was unable to formulate a word, so many feelings were rushing through her body, her mind that she could barely focus, he was blurring in her eyes, stood there, handsome, strong. She couldn’t look at Andy; her horror at what he’d done was complete. She knew that he had to know this, and she’d tried desperately to get him to talk, discuss the past, the future. At that moment she hated Andy for forcing this in such a dramatic and humiliating fashion. What must Dylan think hearing something so awful from a stranger? A resentful stranger at that.

                “Is that true?” His voice dragged her from her fog of desperation.

She felt tears escape her eyes, staring at him, wanting and needing him to understand. She gave a small nod. It was all she could do. She had always intended to tell him, it wasn’t something she could tell him over dinner, but she had wanted to, she really had.

                “Dylan, it’s not...”

He held up a hand, his face now ravaged with the emotions he’d been trying to fight, “don’t. Don’t say anything.” With that he turned on his heel and stormed out.

Mattie watched him march away and felt pain lance her chest, glancing at Andy, she shook her head, defeated, “you bastard!” Was all she could offer, and when she followed Dylan out of the restaurant.

One of the elevators was already descending, guessing he was in it, she dived in the other one, and grabbing her phone from her bag as she went, she called him, but of course there was no answer, and the lift took an interminable amount of time to reach the ground floor. When it finally did, she dashed out into the reception, seeing the doors swinging closed. Running as fast as her heeled shoes would let her; she emerged onto the dark street and saw Dylan a short distance away walking, fast.

                “Dylan! DYLAN! Wait!”

She didn’t think he’d hear, or even listen, but he stopped dead in his tracks.

Mattie continued her awkward run until she was close to him, “talk to me, please?”

She was ignoring the pain, the hurt; she needed him to look at her, to trust her, to understand.

He turned slowly and she could see tears in his eyes, “you did THAT, you...” he gasped, “you didn’t tell me?”

She flinched at the disgust, the pain in his voice, “you disappeared...my mother had just died...I was homeless with huge debts...”

                “You SHOULD have told me,” his voice broke as he said that. Emotion like she’d never known in his voice, his face. “I can’t believe it. I can’t believe YOU.”

                “It was for the best, at the time...” Despite the trauma she’d suffered since then, despite the pain, the anguish, she knew it really was the right thing, then.

His face contorted into a snarl, “the best thing?” He shook his head, “no, telling ME, that was the best thing to do...we could have a son...” a sob escaped as he said that, “or a daughter...” Taking a deep breath and looking up for a moment, he finally added, “you know how much I wanted children, you KNEW I’d have dropped everything and come back to you.”

                “You’d have dropped everything for a baby? But divorce papers didn’t even muster a protest.” She blinked, trying not to lose it, trying not to break down.

                “Don’t make this about me,” he hissed at her, swiping at the tears coursing down his cheeks. “This is about YOU!”

Mattie hung her head, “you’re right, it WAS all my doing. But WHERE were you? I called, I wanted you to know...but you were too busy making your fortune. YOU left me Dylan, let’s not forget that.”

He shook his head, then stared at her for a moment. Then without further thought, turned and walked away. And defeated, beaten she let him go.

Dylan had been gone ten days when her mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, she’d not been well for several months, she’d gone into hospital after a fall, but when she was there she was diagnosed with the tumour which at that moment was described as late stage. The doctors wanted to operate, but when they attempted to remove the tumour they found it had spread into other organs, to SO many areas. There wasn’t another treatment plan other than heavy duty chemo and radiotherapy, which her mother assured her she would go with. But she never recovered from the initial fall...or was it the news that she had such a battle ahead of her?  Within a further four weeks she’d sat with her brother and father as they watched her mother take her final breath.

She’d never known devastation like that, never known such pain. Losing Dylan had hurt, but watching her vibrant, loving mother become a skeleton, see the life and energy get sucked out of her, had devastated Mattie.

The next few weeks she spent staring at the walls of her marital home too pained to even cry. Then the spiral had started, she lost her job, then the debtors’ letters started to arrive. As she panicked over how to manage everything, the divorce papers she’d sent out in a moment of retaliation to Dylan, hoping that the shock would bring him home, to the debt that it seemed she was now lumbered with.

It was a while until she realised that she was late...very late.

There was no way that she could keep a baby, she had tried to contact Dylan, but it seemed almost impossible, and then the divorce papers, what were meant as a shock, came back signed. He’d not contested anything; he’d given up without the slightest fight.  As she moved out of their home into a hell hole in the East end, as she negotiated repayments on that huge debt he’d left her with, she knew that there was no room for a baby, no support for a baby. She couldn’t do it. It was once again, something she had to do herself, alone.

And she still stood by that decision, she’d barely survived the first two years that followed, and there was no way she would have with a baby to feed, clothe and care for. Some days she didn’t eat, some days she didn’t sleep, she worked several jobs and ridiculously long hours to keep afloat, but also to keep her mind away from what she had done. Because it was the right thing for her, whilst it was her only choice at the time and she didn’t regret it, she still felt guilt, pain and anger every day at the choice she’d been forced to make.

Dylan was so angry, rightly so. She was sorry that he’d found out like this, she felt for him, but at the first test of new relationship, he’d run away. Again. That was inexcusable. Because when the going got tough, Dylan definitely got going.

Mattie felt raw, she couldn’t believe how the weekend had changed, but then neither was she overly surprised, really. Things had seemed too good to be true, and she’d always known that she’d tell him about the baby...he’d never have been happy, but she’d hoped to have the time to make him understand.

She heard noise behind her and when she looked up she saw Andy shouting at someone, then she realised that it was one of the managers she recognised him from the times she’d done similar work.

                “Assaulting a guest? We don’t want you back, ok?”

With that the manager slammed the door on him. Locking him outside.

When he looked up he spotted her immediately, stood across the courtyard from him, and Andy at least had the decency to look embarrassed.

                “Mattie.”

She held a hand to silence him, “don’t.”

                “Sorry.”

That made her laugh, “sorry? THAT is it?”

He gave a shrug, “I’ve been sacked...don’t know what I’m going to do now.”

Mattie was struggling to keep her anger under control, “you want sympathy? You just ruined EVERYTHING and you want me to feel sorry for you?”

He stuttered, “you were getting sucked in by him...”

She shook her head, “you know NOTHING Andy, I LOVE him, I always have. I told you about what happened,” even now she couldn’t bring herself to say the word abortion, it was abhorrent to her, and she regretted the night he found her devastated and crying on the day her baby would have been born and telling him more than she regretted the actual decision. How he could use this to hurt her he had no idea.

                “You were the only one who knew, and you just threw used it score a cheap point against someone you don’t like. What have I ever done to deserve that? For you to throw my biggest secret back in my face? To hurt me beyond believe? Why do you hate me?”

                “I don’t hate you, how could you think that? I love you.”

Tears were starting to fall, and Mattie couldn’t control them, “that’s how you treat someone you love? No wonder you are single Andy. I don’t think I can ever forgive you for this.”

                “I’m single because I spent five years courting you. Every spare bit of energy I put into helping you to get over that bastard, waiting until you were ready to move on. I was there I was that man.”

She shook her head, “I’ve never seen you like that, you were my best friend Andy, and all the time...” she shook her head in disbelief, “all the time you were plotting...I can’t think about it.”

                “I love you, you can’t leave me, you can’t walk away!”

Suddenly all those times that Dylan had blindly got close to women who had other agendas flicked into her mind, she had always blamed him for his blindness, but now as she saw exactly the same thing happening to her, she felt horrendous guilt, but not for this man who’d betrayed her, but the man who’d rushed off into the night, hurt and angry. She needed to find him, explain.

                “Don’t walk away? You are lucky I haven’t punched you. I have never given you the slightest hint that our friendship was anything more than just that. And now...” she sighed, “you used my deepest secret to purposely get one over on Dylan, that was more important than me. You are a complete bastard, how can you think I’d ever look you in the eye again?”

With that she turned and walked away ignoring his protests.

But her strength at leaving him so deliberately was short lived, she had barely any money on her, Dylan had assured her she didn’t need it as he had his wallet. So she was unable to call a cab, instead she had to walk the three miles back to the apartment in the heels from hell.  Fortunately, once she hit the centre of London she was able to get one of the free night buses and only had a short walk back to Dylan’s apartment. She had nowhere else to go, and for the first time in months, she was back to catching transport and feeling like a drain on everyone.

With a heavy heart she opened the door to the apartment, fortunately she had a key. Kicking off the heels that had rubbed her feet raw, she glanced around and noticed that Dylan’s coat wasn’t hanging near the door, his shoes weren’t there either.

In a few steps she’d confirmed that his bedroom was empty.

He’d left her.