Nothing Left to Lose - Part Seven

Chapter Seven

Another restless night, with Heidi processing all that had happened the night before meant she woke as tired as she'd been going to bed. The moment she saw Cosmo the night before her heart had skipped a beat, finally she knew what her mother meant when she asked if her heart surged when Casey walked in the room. She hadn’t known what that meant. Now she did. The half a dozen brief encounters with the beautiful Greek had given her more spark, more pleasure and more to live for than six months with Casey.

But he was married, and last night, she’d seen the harsh reality of that. Eleanora Santini. It was no wonder Cesare and her mother gushed at the mere mention of her name. Maybe if Heidi herself didn’t work in the fashion industry she’d not be as familiar with the name. But the woman who had stood on stage last night graciously accepting a lead role for a sure to be blockbuster film, was the same woman who had taken the fashion world by storm over the last few years. She was more than glamorous, her natural blonde highlights were a contrast to her olive skin and dark eyes, she was as exotic as she was unique. And she was married to Cosmo...and she was NO competition. What was she thinking?

By seven am her head hurt as much from the lack of sleep as the after effects of alcohol, but it was a Saturday and for once she had nothing planned.

The tall windows at one end of her lounge looked out onto a small park, a prime view for London, so she threw them open, put on a pot of coffee, and sank into the armchair nearest the window with the newspaper and some croissants she’d warmed in the oven. The perfect start to the day.

Then her phone rang...she grinned when she saw Sadie’s name on the screen.

                “Girlfriend! How’s your trip?”

Sadie giggled, “good...may have rekindled an affair with a certain magazine editor!”

Her on/off relationship with said editor of a rival gossip mag was a source of much amusement and many hours of analysis between the two.

                “Get away! Tell me more.”

It was almost half an hour later that the conversation turned to Heidi’s night.

                “I went to the Andre Fousek’s film launch thing last night...with Polly she was on a promise with that photographer that did the summer photo spread for the London paper.”

                “Who was there? I hear he’s using a screen play of that book...”

Heidi interrupted her, “yes, and it’s staring my rather beautiful sister in law to be. Can you believe THAT irony?”

Sadie was silent for a moment, “you mother is marrying Eleanora Santini’s father?”

                “Yup...which means that...”

                “OMG. The delightful Cosmo is her husband?”

For Heidi it was the moment when this all started to seem real, and she fought a little tear that threatened to fall, “so for all his flattery and flirting, I now KNOW that he’s winding me up.”

Sadie was quick to jump on her melancholy, “no. Don’t think that. He was keen, interested. Just because you aren’t a model, that isn’t everything chickadee, you know that.”

                “Tell me more about the man asleep beside you.” As subject changes went it was dramatic, but a barely hidden giggle from Sadie made Heidi realise her bed partner had woken up. “Ah...I’m no gooseberry. I’ll call you later?”

Sadie was reluctant to hang up, but Heidi needed some space, some time. Not even her best mate was a substitute to that.

She felt humiliated, that was what hurt her the most. She’d known that he was playing with her, toying with her affections, but it wasn’t enough, she’d believed him, got sucked in. Now she had nothing but a bruised ego, and a level of awkwardness that would make further family occasions very difficult. More than difficult.

Despite her mental anguish, it was so lovely to relax, to have no agenda. Especially after the chaos of the last few weeks. She read, drank more coffee and listened to the radio for far too long. Lucas called mid morning disturbing her sanctity, and as usual, it was no courtesy call, he wanted a ride to the airport, but her car was off the road so she had to turn him down.

                “Where are you going?”

He laughed, “to see Mother. She’s stressed with this wedding, I figure if I turn up that’s one thing less to worry about!”

                “You are so generous!” she offered sarcastically, annoyed that now she’d recced the situation he could suddenly find the time and inclination to visit their mother, but as usual he was far too oblivious to any of her anguish, and he was still laughing when he hung up.

Lunch passed, fresh Caesar salad, ate again in her sun kissed lounge.  Then refreshed and finally feeling more human, she worked on a few designs later in the afternoon, she loved to work at home, and this time it was for her mother’s wedding dress, so it was even more special. She loved designing, for herself and for work, but something as special as a wedding dress for her mother, it made her feel SO excited, so unique and it was such a privilege.

She’d discussed ideas with her mother when she’d been in Cyprus, so she had a lot of options. And whilst she was busy she found it easier not to think about the night before.

Not that it was that easy, because despite her protests that they could never be together, Heidi desperately craved more of Cosmo, his funny, intelligent conversation, his knack of knowing what she was thinking, his beautiful eyes...and his lips. She shook her head, she had to stop this, the previous night had proved that it was all lies. Cosmo definitely wanted to have his cake and eat it. She’d been second best before, and she would not let that happen again. She would not be the ‘other’ woman, no matter how beautiful or how perfect the man.

She worked well with the plans; inner torment seemed to spur her on ironically. It was mid afternoon when she realised that she hadn’t eaten since lunchtime. The cupboards were empty, so she decided to stroll to the local shop. Pulling a strappy dress out of her wardrobe, she threw off her short pyjamas and slid the dress on over her underwear then grabbed some mule sandals, her large shades, and left.

It was a beautiful day, people lounged in the park on picnic blankets, the tables on the pavements outside bars and cafes were full, everyone was smiling, enjoying the day. Except her, because nothing spelled out her loneliness like seeing everyone else happy.

In the local shop she picked up a few bottles of white wine, some fresh pasta, lemon and sage, then her favourite organic chicken from the butchers next door. It was enough to feed and water a small army, but she had a freezer, she’d save the remainder for another day.

Back in the apartment she was unloading her bags when the phone rang; it was her mother, gushing at the arrival of her Golden Boy Lucas. Everything was perfect in the Mortimer house.

                “I’ve started on your dress!” Heidi finally added once she’d finished listening to how wonderful her brother was for the umpteenth time.

                “Oh! That’s wonderful!”

She smiled at her mother’s pleasure, “I’ll try and come over in a few weeks when I’ve started the actual construction, ok?”

                “I should come to you, it’s been a while...”

Heidi laughed, “that would be great, but then you live in a warm almost tropical paradise...I do love getting away from London.”

That made her mother giggle, “wherever you are it’ll be amazing to see you again. But if you do come over Cesare will love to see you. You can cheer him up.”

She slumped back in her chair, “why, what’s wrong?”

She could hear her mother sigh, “Eleni, his daughter. She’s going to America; she’s got a part in a film. He’ll miss her, but then he’s worried too.”

When she sighed, Heidi felt she had to reluctantly ask, “why?”

Barbara gave a groan, “he’s worried that this will be the end of her marriage.”

Her heart skipped a beat, “oh yes?”

Oblivious to the almost euphoric sensations rushing through her daughter, she continued, “well Cosmo is a steadying influence on Eleni, you met him, he’s a well rounded man. Sensible, you know? Well reading between the lines, I think there are problems there. I do feel sorry for him, because she seems high maintenance. But if they split it’ll kill Cesare, he thinks of Cosmo as a son.”

                “So will she miss the wedding?” Heidi leaned against the work surface, her whole body shivering with emotions she could barely describe. She tried to maintain a normal conversation whilst her mind raced in a dozen different directions. Maybe he was telling the truth. Maybe they did have problems. But he was still with her, the moral voice in her head counteracted. Plus she didn’t want to be the reason they split, that would cause too much damage.

                “Oh no!” her mother laughed, a light tinkling sound, “Cesare is devoted to her, there’s no way. We’ll change the date before she misses it!”

Suddenly Heidi panicked, “well don’t bring it forward! I have a timescale for the dress you know.”

Her mother chuckled assuring her that she wouldn’t cut into that time and expressing her excitement at having a dress made by her daughter, before hanging up, promising to speak soon.     

Heidi sat back at her work station, but the momentum from earlier had gone so she opened a bottle of the wine turned on some music and lounged on the sofa with her book. She’d started in on the beach in Cyprus, but with things being so busy she hadn’t looked at in the weeks since she’d been home.

She must have nodded off because something woke her with a start.  She sat up and looked around, shivering in the skimpy dress, the windows still open the breeze now lacking any warmth. She looked at her watch, shocked that it was eight o’clock; she’d spoken to her mother at just before four.

The intercom buzzed and she realised that was what had woken her. Staggering slightly, she crossed the room and lifted the handset, unable to imagine who was coming to see her.

                “Hello?”

                “Heidi?” She gasped at the word, the voice was warm, smooth, and her name was said ‘Hi-deeeee’ a soft caress more than a name and it made her knees weak. She took a deep breath, trying to control her racing heart, knowing she was flushed with longing. One word and she was undone.

                “What do you want Cosmo?”

Via the intercom she had the benefit of distance, she could control this.

                “You!” A second word, delivered in the same manner had EXACTLY the same effect as the first. She slid down the wall to sit on the floor.

It took several moments before she could compose herself enough to answer, “Cosmo. I have nothing to say to you.”

She heard him sigh into the intercom, “look I know you probably hate me, I just want to explain a few things. I’m rarely in London, and I won’t be again for a long time. I just want to clear the air. I admit I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t seen you last night, I promised to give you space, time. But I just need to explain...things.”

Did he? Could he? The only thing she knew was that she was desperate to see him, nauseating, embarrassing, but true.

Taking a deep breath, she buzzed him into the flat.

It took only a few seconds for him to climb the three flights.

By that time she’d pulled herself back to her feet and was stood at the closed door when he knocked. Pulling it open she sighed. There he stood, dressed in jeans and a dark t-shirt, she’d not seen him in anything less than a suit since she’d first met him, other than the shorts at the beach was completely different. Seeing him relaxed, casual...it was enlightening.

                “Hi Heidi.” Cosmo stayed where he was on the doorstep, but he took the opportunity to drink in every inch of her, she was like an oasis in the desert, all curves and flushed cheeks with those sparkling eyes that he already loved. He’d barely stopped thinking about her since the moment he’d seen her sat with his father-in-law in the restaurant in Cyprus.

She reciprocated the look, he knew she was studying him appreciatively, and it became a highly charged moment, then she stepped back to allow him into her home. He marched past her and stood on the rug in front of the fire turning to her.

                “I just wanted you to know that I meant what I said to you when we were at Arun’s book launch. I want to end my marriage; I should never have married her. What you saw last night...”

She turned to him with a snarl, not letting him finish, “Eleanor Santini? Eleanor Santini?” It was more hiss than voice. “You never told me that she was a supermodel. I thought she was some anonymous, ten-a-penny underwear or catalogue model, but no. She’s THE model. Most famous, most successful...voted best legs, most beautiful woman in EVERY magazine, a supermodel and now actress! Is there anything she can’t do? Any prize she hasn’t won? Why didn’t you tell me who she was?”

He hated the pain in her eyes, and realised that once again he could see humiliation, she thought that this was all a game, that he wasn’t truly interested in her. He reached for her hand, but she snatched it away. “I thought you knew. Cesare has never called her Eleanor, she’s always been Eleni, but he’s her biggest fan, he rarely talks about anything else. I presumed you knew. I’m sorry.”

He could see that she was struggling to fight tears, and he felt like the worst man alive. He placed a hand on each of her upper arms, “can I please just explain? I want to tell you everything. Hear me out, then I’ll leave, I won’t bother you again.”

He was rewarded with her large sad eyes lifting up to stare at hers, as though she was looking for any hint of humour or insincerity, she was even more beautiful in that moment and his heart surged. She eventually shrugged, “I suppose I can. Do you want a glass of wine?”

Relief washed over him and he nodded enthusiastically, “that would be great.” He lowered himself in to one of the armchairs and watched her get a glass from a cupboard across the room then pour some of the straw coloured liquid from the chilled bottle.

Taking the glass he took a long sip, then turned to her as she curled up on her feet in the seat opposite him, “Cesare was a friend of Edward’s; I met him through my step dad. When Edward died, and I took on his businesses, I realised that we had a large chunk of mutual ground, so we merged some of our businesses. It was a good deal for us both.” He drank again savouring the cold sharpness of the wine.           
                “He’s a great guy Cesare, like an uncle to me, but there was always a dark cloud in his life. Eleni was the only thing that he worried about. She was drinking, doing drugs, generally drawing attention of the unsavoury variety to herself; she was staring out in the modelling business and the fame went to her head. She’s so easily led; she took everything offered, left no stone unturned in her quest to be the best. She’s needy and thrives on being adored. Cesare thought she was going to self destruct.

He sighed, “she was visiting one day, so I got involved as a friend, talked to her, tried to help her. She started to confide in me, how she constantly sought out approval from her father, from other men, it was all rather tragic.

“I suppose at some point I grew fond of her, and she became dependent on me, if I went away on business she’d hit the bottle, or worse. The only solution occurred when I asked her to marry me.” He looked up at Heidi, “I’m not here wanting your pity. I chose my wife, I made that decision, but I can honestly say back then that the affection I had for her felt like enough, I thought I genuinely loved her, and I thought that meant accepting everything.” He laughed. “But the last few weeks, meeting you, being with you, hell even thinking about you. You light up my life in a way she never has. I crave you; I need you in way I’ve never experienced before. It’s made me realise that I should never have married her. That I settled for something I should never have.”

She’d been silent and expressionless throughout his monologue he had no idea what she was thinking and he was almost holding his breath when she finally spoke, you’re still married though.”

He nodded; there was no denying that, “I told her, after Cyprus, that it was over.” Seeing her eyes flare he smiled softly, “don’t worry I’ve not mentioned anyone else, and never you. But I’ve been to a solicitor about the spilt, started putting things in motion. But she wants to keep it from her father until after the wedding, whatever she is, she loves Cesare and this will hurt him, we both know that. I can see why she wants to let him enjoy his day first. This trip was planned ages ago, she told me she’d go off the rails if I didn’t come with her to London, and like the fool I am, I came. I can’t let this all go bad. I owe that to Cesare. I’m just hoping that the role she’s just got in Andre Fousek’s film will be her new crutch, that I can leave her and things will go smoothly.”

Heidi was watching him suspiciously, “seems to me she knows exactly what to say to keep you sweet. So who’s to say that she won’t keep holding this over you forever?”

He shrugged, “I suppose I have to just keep trying. I’ll speak to Cesare once he’s married your mother. Then hopefully he can help me. I’m not stepping back, not now.”

Heidi was sat back in the chair, contemplating her words, “I’m really sorry to hear that things are difficult. But you can see I can’t be part of it, that I can’t be on the scene.”

He nodded, “I can see things clearly now, I don’t want to be married to someone I have to watch over like a brother. I want to end it regardless. Meeting you put things into such obvious black and white; I HAVE to do this for me. You know that I want you...more than anything, but I know that it’ll take time, but hopefully one day...who knows.”

Standing she started to pace the room, when she looked at him he was almost scared by the expression on her face, “we can’t see each other again though Cosmo, you know that? Not like this, not alone. If someone sees us this will all be my fault, and I’m not being a scarlet woman, a marriage breaker. OK?”

He joined her, and took her hand, this time she didn’t fight him, “I’ll still think of you every day, when the dust settles, maybe we can...”

He didn’t finish the sentence but she knew what he meant. Giving a nod, she looked up into his eyes, “who knows? We’ll have to see.” She sighed, “thanks for telling me this Cosmo. It has meant a lot.”

Nodding abruptly he stepped back from her, “I’ll go. But thanks for hearing me out.”

Watching him move towards the door, Heidi followed him out into the hallway, suddenly bereft that he was leaving. Pausing at the door, he turned and she knew the moment he spotted the tears welling in her eyes. With a groan he cupped her cheeks using his thumb to wipe them away so gently.  

“It’s just ironic that I meet you when I can’t have you. I’m sorry for disrupting your life. I never wanted to make you sad.”

His contact on her skin was taking over her thoughts, and she struggled to hear his words, her whole body desired him, “It’s been a pleasant disruption, despite it all.” It was a weak reply, but it was all she could manage to breathe in response. As she stepped back she blushed, she could feel heat swirling in her pelvis, her nipples had hardened at the thought of his touch, and she regretted not wearing a bra earlier, her tight cotton dress did little to hide her excitement.

She knew the second he spotted the same, his eyes widened and her name escaped his lips almost with regret, “Heidi!”

His voice was a whisper that seemed to beat down the last layer of her defence, before she could take control of herself, before she could even think what she was doing, she threw her arms around his neck, pulling his face to hers, thrusting her lips on to his open and still shocked mouth.