Nothing Left to Lose - Part Eight

Chapter Eight

Cosmo’s lips were warm and firm, Heidi remembered them so well. She licked gently, wanting to taste him, feel him, and this kiss was far too gentle, but that only lasted for a moment. There was a second when they could’ve parted, could’ve stopped things, calmed things down, but there was almost an unwritten agreement, as they both struggled to fight their emotions.

His hands dropped from her face, and he wrapped his arms around her, loving the sensation of her warm and pliant against his chest. He took control of the kiss, sucking at her bottom lip gently, sliding a tongue into her lips, seeking hers. Moaning, she let her lips part further, pushed her own tongue to meet his. What had started as a goodbye kiss soon became so much more. Heidi clung to him desperately; suddenly they were ravenous, mouths frantic, teeth grazing, lips dragging, tongues duelling. They couldn’t get enough of each other. His stubble grazed the delicate skin of her chin, but she was unfeeling, all she knew were those hypnotising lips were occupying her every thought, tugging at hers, making her forget anything and everything.

In a small moment of clarity, Cosmo pulled back, “Heidi,” his words were unsteady as her mouth move to devour his neck, she was unconcerned at the way his stubble now grazed her lips. She was like someone starved for months, and in effect she was. She could hear him repeating her name, and eventually her sanity returned and she lifted her head to look at him.

He sighed as her mouth left his skin, already missing the feeling. He didn’t want to end this, but he knew that it wasn’t what she wanted. She wasn’t ready for this and he wasn’t sure that he was.

                “We have to think about this Heidi, a step further and I don’t think I can stop...” He smiled, reaching out to touch her nose for a moment, before pulling her back into his arms. “You know that’s what I want, more than anything,” he wriggled his hips against hers and she jolted as she felt him hard against her stomach. “But I don’t want to compromise you here.”

She tried to smile as she felt tears well again, “I can’t even blame it on being drunk!”

                “If either of us was drunk we’d be in your bedroom and there’d be no going back.” He landed a kiss on her forehead. “You are the sexiest kisser I’ve ever met though!”

She didn’t believe him, but it was still so flattering. “Yeah?” she leaned back in his arms to meet his chocolate eyes again. “You’re not too bad yourself!” As he smiled down at her, she added, “I really want you to stay, more than anything. But we can’t Cosmo, can we?”

He shook his head, “you are too special Heidi. It’s the wrong time, the wrong place. One day I will treat you as you deserve. Look after you; lavish my time, my attention, my money. One day I WILL take you to bed, and wake beside you the happiest man in the World!”

She gasped, so many men held their cards close to their chests when it came to emotions, but Cosmo didn’t. He was almost old fashioned in his ways, but yet still sexy, sensual, and as honest as a man could be in this situation. As she watched the door close behind him she burst into tears, desperately wishing at least one of them had looser scruples and morals.

It was hard to imagine not seeing Cosmo again, but she had the launch of the winter range of her fashion line to organise, despite it only being early September. So after what had all in all amounted to a dreadful weekend, she dragged herself into work on Monday with the weight of the world on her shoulders.

Polly was head over heels besotted after her weekend with Walt and whilst Heidi was SO pleased for her friend, she couldn’t believe the irony of the timing. But she sat silently next to a happy, bordering on ecstatic assistant, gushing in the throes of early love. She managed to smile at the appropriate time and listen to all the first stories...first kiss, first date, fortunately Polly didn’t go into THAT much depth, and Heidi managed to respond appropriately through it all, whilst inside she felt like she’d been torn in two.

The only one who knew the truth was Sadie, who fresh back from Paris, met her after work for a drink.

                “You look dreadful chickadee!” her friend announced as she stood to greet Heidi.

                “It’s a great thing that I don’t rely on you to boost my ego!” She hugged eve. “You bring me back to Earth with a bump!”

Sadie chuckled, “hey, this is me showing concern!”

Heidi slumped into the chair opposite her, and reached for the bottle of wine that sat in an ice bucket next to her friend, glugging a large amount into the spare glass. Then like a sadist she smiled, “so tell me all about love and life in Gay Paris!”

It was Sadie’s favourite subject, and by now Heidi was a specialist at hiding her own heartache as she listened to the improving love life of yet another of her friends.

                “So,” Sadie prompted, after she’d filled her in far too many of the gory details. “So tell me what’s eating you? You’ve finished your range, got it all sorted, you have a huge launch night just around the corner, and you look like death. You sounded ok on Saturday.”

Heidi sighed a response, “guess? Clue: six foot and Greek?”

Her eyes widened and she leaned forward, “since Friday night? Did you call him?”

Shaking her head, she tried to smile, “no. He came to me. Rang my doorbell.”

Sadie spotted the tears welling in her friend’s eyes and lifting a hand called over a waiter, “two Sambuccas please, flaming!”

The waiter nodded and disappeared.

                “Medicinal!” she convinced Heidi whose eyebrows had risen in surprise. They both downed the drinks when they arrived, and as they emptied the bottle of wine, Heidi started to explain about all that had happened since they’d ended their call on the previous Saturday. She hated how desperate she sounded and hated admitting how close she got to embroiling herself with a married man.

                “Don’t get so stressed, this is life and it’s complicated. He’s told you it’s over...with his wife.”

Heidi shook her head, “but she’s beautiful, glamorous...”

Sadie shook her head vehemently, “all that glisters is not gold madam, just cos she’s pretty doesn’t mean she’s a nice person, you...YOU are lovely, inside and out. He’s no fool if he spotted that so quickly.”

                “I can’t encourage this...”

Shrugging Sadie called for another bottle of wine, “I think you’re mad. Live life on the edge girl! A bit of fun makes the world go around.”

“What about my mother? Do I just railroad all that too? Just to be selfish.”

Sadie shrugged, “where is she when you’re feeling ill or sad? Or come to think of it, when that errant brother of your Lucas wants something YOU are the one he comes to, you look out for everyone else; YOU drop everything to go see her...Bloody hell she didn’t even tell you about her engagement. Don’t feel selfish, you are selfless. If you happen to have a bit of fun or more with him, then I think you’re more than deserving of some self indulgence!”

Smiling Heidi shook her head, “you know me! There’s more chance of me running topless down the High Street really, isn’t there?”

Resigned, Sadie hurried her into ordering food; there was no way that Heidi would ever think of herself first. Not over something so potentially huge.

Over the next few days, Heidi spent all her spare time creating her mother’s wedding dress. She knew her mother wanted something plain, yet elegant. So she decided on a straight full length dress with a short sleeve jacket over the top. Her mother and Cesare had planned the wedding for January, so she knew that she’d need some form of coat, saying that, Cyprus would still be warm. Every decision, every adjustment she had to rethink a dozen times. After all she had just four months to prepare for it.

Still it was a challenge that she relished all the more as it was for her mother.

But by the following Friday she was happy with what she’d achieved, a huge step forward, it just needed her mother’s approval of the materials, and some measurements and she could really get started.

At the end of the week she called her mother excited at the progress she’d made.

                “I’ve got the dress ready to try Ma; I’m SO pleased with it! I can’t wait for you so see it.”

                “Wow!” her mother genuinely sounded happy. “I’ve been talking to Cesare. Nikos is at Oxford, Eleni is in London at the moment, so we thought we’d come over maybe in two weeks, so we can all meet up for dinner. It would be nice for you to meet Cesare’s children.  And I can’t wait to see you...and the dress.”

Heidi swallowed a lump of emotion that had formed in her throat at the fact she was last on the list of reasons to come to London, but then she knew it brought back awful memories for her mother. Then there was meeting Eleni, finally...where Eleni treads, her husband will follow, but what could she say. “That sounds fantastic mother, I’ll put it in my diary.”

Sadie was genuinely concerned when she heard the plans. Heidi was getting more stressed with the launch which was due the following Friday, now she had this traumatic meal planned for the day after. It all seemed so difficult for her friend. But as usual, Heidi took it all on her shoulders and carried on stoically. TOO stoically.

                “Friday. Will you come to the launch though? Be my date?”

Sadie looked up from her position across the room; they were watching Bridesmaids...again. And this was the first time she’d spoken since explaining all that was happening the following weekend.

She laughed, “if you want me to, of course I will. Isn’t your mother coming? That’s the weekend that she comes here.”

                “She doesn’t arrive until Friday afternoon, and I think she’s sorting out some things for Lucas.”

Sadie paused the film, “sorting out what? The bloke is thirty-three! And the biggest bloody loser known to man.”

Heidi chuckled, “I’m not rightly sure; she just said she had to go to his when she arrived.”

Her friend fumed, “Heidi they do not deserve you! This is the perfect opportunity for your mother to support you in your success! Instead she bales your brother out of some hole he’s created!”

                “You don’t know that!” Heidi tried to protest.

Shaking her head, Sadie half turned back to the screen,                “bloody Hell H, stop being so bloody agreeable! I am angry on your behalf.”

                “It’s just family mechanics darling! You know how that is.”

She scoffed, “I’m in a family and no one would dare take the piss out of me like that!”

She could hear the sigh of resignation in Heidi’s voice as she said, “are you coming or not? I can leave you a ticket at the door.”

Sadie snapped out of her anger, it wasn’t helpful to Heidi, not at this moment, “ticket at the door? No way. I am accompanying you up the red carpet Miss!”

The second sigh, when it happened, was one of relief. Then she offered, “you know there’ll not be a red carpet, right?”

Heidi was throwing dress after dress across the room as she tried to decide what to wear to the launch. This year it was being held in a prestigious London art gallery. The crowd would comprise of fashion writers and editors for magazines, newspapers and TV shows, as well as a few other players in the fashion world. It was a budget clothing line, hardly as prestigious as London Fashion Week, not by a long way, but more recently some WAGS had been spotted in her designs, and Kate Middleton had actually worn a coat she’d designed a year ago...God she was nervous.

She was still dressed in only a strapless bra and lace knickers when the door bell rang. Sliding into a satin robe, she headed out to let Sadie in, but as she swung the door open, she saw a huge bunch of flowers, struggling to be held by Mrs Saunders her elderly neighbour.

                “There was a man at the door from the flower people, he asked me to deliver to you as he was parked illegally!”                

Heidi smiled at the older woman, “thank you Mrs Saunders!”

She lifted the bouquet of arum lilies, glossy green leaves and vibrant gerbera out of the almost incapable hands of her neighbour thanked her and was just closing the door when she spotted her friend striding up the stairs. As usual she was stunning in a strapless lilac straight dress, edged in black with a black rose winding up from her right hip to right breast, it was divine.

Heidi gave a more than approving nod, “you look stunning girlfriend!”

She gave an elegant nod then looked her friend up and down deliberately, “unlike you. Time’s upon us.” She closed the door following Heidi into the lounge. “So who are the flowers off?”

Heidi shrugged, “can you check the note whilst I get dressed, I didn’t notice the time.”

As she finally found the dress she wanted, a narrow strapped straight dress that came to mid thigh, black but covered in tiny half inch diameter mirrors she sighed gratefully. It was both heavy, and expensive. She’d spent days sewing each of the discs onto the dress, not an easy challenge. But it meant she reflected light, sparkling in so many different ways, it was flattering in that it seemed to create an illusion of changing shape. For the at best overly curvy Heidi, this was as close as she got to feeling confident in a room she knew would be dominated by leggy model-esque bodies.

Slipping into her silver stilettos, she touched up her lipstick as she returned to the lounge to see Sadie still wrestling to get the note free of the packaging that surrounded the flowers. When she did she handed it to Heidi who ripped it open distractedly.

                “Shit!” she gasped. Sadie looked at her questioningly, before Heidi handed her the card to read for herself. Unable to speak as her heart pulsed in her ears, she worried she might pass out for a moment. But she took slow steady breaths as Sadie took the card, then read it aloud.

                “ ‘Good luck for your launch, you more than deserve it, Cosmo!’ Wow! What a man!”

Heidi shook her head, “I can’t think about it, about him. Not tonight.” Not ever.

But the irony wasn’t wasted on her that the only ‘family’ member to even acknowledge the magnitude of the evening ahead, or to know how important it was to her, was the only man she couldn’t allow herself to think of again.

                “You look beautiful!” Sadie announced breaking up the sombre moment, “now come on, the taxi is here! Let’s show them all how amazing YOU are.”