Nothing Left to Lose - Part Eleven

Chapter Eleven

When Heidi finally revealed the dress to her mother, there were tears and emotion running riot. The dress was long, elegant with understated detail to the neckline and waist. It wasn’t gaudy or over elaborate, but Heidi really believed that it was classy, beautiful and perfect for the older bride. It was exactly what she imagined her mother would wear, and her mother’s immediate reaction told her that she’d guessed right.

                “I love it Heidi! It’s absolutely beautiful!” Her mother twirled in front of the mirror, the half finished dress clinging to her in a flattering way, a beaming smile spread across her face, and tears glittering in her eyes.

                “Well I still need to do a lot to it, adjust, finish, this is definitely the prototype stage. But I needed to get measurements for you before I can continue.”

Her mother left, still ecstatic two hours later, and Heidi was relieved. She’d cleared the air, told her mother how she felt...for a change. And after the dress reveal...it had all gone swimmingly. But for Heidi, alone, she was fraught, anxious. After a bath and a meal, Heidi was still unable to settle, her mind was racing and her body fraught with tension. She’d rethought all that had happened the previous evening, and then the news her mother had revealed just a couple of hours earlier, that Cosmo had done it, he’d moved out.

Looking at the phone in her hand, she knew she shouldn’t, but she dialled the number he’d added to the card that came with her flowers. Her heart was racing as the phone rang, and then she heard him, the smooth yet husky warm voice that made her skin erupt into goosebumps.

                “Yashu?” Hello. Her little Greek ran to greetings, but not much else.

                “Cosmo? It’s me,” her voice was a whisper.

There was a pregnant pause and her heart almost stopped. “Heidi?” as soon as she spoke she could hear the pure pleasure in his voice and a flush of heat washed over her.

                “Thank you for the flowers.” It was a safe comment, she still didn’t trust herself not to blurt out how pleased she was that he had left Eleni, and that wouldn’t do.

He laughed, “flowers? They were merely to hint that I was thinking about you. Hoping that things went well.” His words were like nectar, perfect and she almost swooned. “How did it go? The launch? Was it successful?”

She knew she was grinning as she answered, “it went well thanks. I enjoyed myself, which was a little light relief.”

                “Before the family meet...I managed to escape that, as much as I wanted to see you, I really did, I couldn’t put either of us through that.”

She nodded, despite the fact that he couldn’t see that,                 “I couldn’t have done it if you’d been there...with her...”

She could hear him sigh, before he replied, “I’ve left her; I’m doing it the right way, I have to sort it out...”

                “I know my mother told me...that’s why I called, just to let you know...that I know, that I’m happy for you.”

                “Thank you.” Despite it all he sounded sad. “But nothing has changed...” it wasn’t a question as he knew the answer.

“No Cosmo, nothing has changed. I’m not about to fly to you on a whim...”

                “You sure? I could meet you in Paris in a few hours!” It was said in jest, but she could hear the optimism and the desperation in his words.

                “I want to Cosmo, but we can’t...I’m not being that person. Really I’m not.”

She heard what sounded like a something hitting a wall, maybe his hand, “I AM officially separated. My lawyer is preparing the divorce papers. I am serious Heidi, I promise!”

Could she do it? Go against all that she knew was proper, get involved in an affair with him. She wasn’t impulsive, she thought everything through, but the only mistakes she’d ever made had been when she gambled on her impulses like this. She shook her head trying to clear the confusion, in life you had to take a few risks, and her brother had been sleeping around without a care for years. She’d always been the good one, the one who did the right thing.

                “Where in Paris?”

He was silenced by her question, not daring to hope that she wanted the same as him.

                “Do you mean it?” he eventually asked.

                “At this moment in time I really want another one of your kisses. More than anything.”

He sighed, a deep sound, “that sounds like heaven to me. But you may regret it tomorrow?”

                “I’d not regret that, just the implications it might have. Where it might lead.”

She could hear him laugh, “when the time is right we’ll be together darling, and there’ll be no regret, no conflict in emotions, it will be just you and me. And the rest of our lives, no one or no thing will be able to change that. Ok?”

Her body shook with desire and frustration, as well as thwarted desire, “I can’t wait for that!”

She could tell he was smiling as he added, “me as well. I could spend the next hour describing exactly what will happen in great detail,” he paused, and Heidi gulped, “but that won’t help anyone here!”

                “Thank you Cosmo!”

                “For what?”

She chuckled, “for caring. For being there. For stepping back...respecting me.”

                “I am defeated by my own conscience. I hope you know that saying no wasn’t easy. I want you Heidi Mortimer...in every way.” He laughed at her gasp, then added, “just remember that I am in the end of this telephone at ANY time, ok?”

It was quiet at work, the build up to the launch had absorbed so much of Heidi’s time over the last month, so she was glad to relax a bit. But despite the calm within the office, there was the looming threat of TV and magazine interviews. Her most hated thing. But obediently the next morning she dressed impeccably in a charcoal grey trouser suit, but keeping her signature flash of colour by adding a bright purple sheath top and matching outrageous purple shoes, and headed to the office. Today the journos were coming to her, to see how she worked, to see her environment, and hear about her inspiration.  Hell.

When she arrived at her office there was a full page in her diary. Each magazine or newspaper entered one after the other.  Sighing, she slumped into her chair only raising her head when she heard Polly approach.

                “Hey boss! Another successful launch. The answer phone was full of requests; I’ve scheduled things as best I can in your diary. Hope you enjoyed the rest of the weekend as you’re not about to take your foot off the gas just yet.”

Heidi dumped her briefcase on Polly’s desk and beamed at her nervously, “so I’ve noticed! I love you Polly, have I told you that regularly enough? Because whilst I hate the thought of interviews all day, the quicker they happen the quicker they’re over!”

She chuckled handing her a cup of aromatic black coffee, “I get your love from your hints Heidi, honest! A woman from the Times is your first one, then ITV cameras are coming at ten.”

Shaking her head Heidi entered her own office and absorbed herself in the furore that these occasions became.

As ever Sadie was her release, her sounding box the next evening when the final interview was finished.

                “Hey celeb!” her friend gushed as she entered the small dark pub that was midway between their homes. Heidi was sat at a small booth in the corner, a couple of bottles of beer on the table in front of her.

                “Don’t,” she blushed, “this is the bit of the job I hate. You know that.”

                “Well I watched you on TV, bought every paper that you were in. I’m so proud of you chickadee!”

Heidi took a slug of beer, then half grinned, “I’m just glad it’s over...until the next range.”

                “So how was the weekend? Your message earlier was very cryptic.”

Whilst the complacency and lack of attention from her family annoyed and more obviously upset her, she wasn’t overly keen on telling Sadie too much about them and all that happened. So when she’d text asking how things went, Heidi had been a bit evasive. Whilst she never hid her family issues from her friend, the confusion that Cosmo brought to it all, his closeness to her family all made things complicated. So she played it down. All of it.

                “Well I met the children. Nikos is lovely, but Eleni is as I expected.”

                “Cold, heartless bitch?” Sadie leaned forward waiting on her response in an animated way.

Heidi laughed, “not that far from the truth. Lucas is smitten with her.”

                “She has a pulse and a vagina Heidi! No surprise there, your brother is a man whore, you know that.”

She laughed, “he uses his looks to his advantage that’s for sure.”

Sadie was shaking her head, “are you sure? Blond curls and a big nose hardly makes him good looking!”

                “You know more about him than you let on. Anyone would think you were a fan too. I think she doth protest too much?”

She harrumphed in annoyance and Heidi realised she may have hit a raw nerve, “so what about the delectable Cosmo...” It was the most abrupt of subject changes, but Heidi let it ride for the moment, she didn’t want to think that her best friend could be enamoured with her brother. Too much, too close.

                “He wasn’t there. He’s left her Sade, and I don’t know what that means.” She briefly relayed their conversation to her friend.

As she finished Sadie’s eyes were wide with wonder, “OMG. That man wants you SO bad! I’d have gone, met him, shagged him senseless, have your wicked way with him and at least have something to feel good about.”

That prickled Heidi, a man wasn’t everything to her, “I do feel good about myself. I’ve just had a successful launch of my range and been head hunted by a huge American corporation. I have everything to be happy about.”

                “Huh! And that replaces the love of a good man...or rather love WITH a good man?”

Heidi shrugged, “there’s more to life than a man, and it’s too complicated Sadie. And what if I take this contract in the States? I don’t do casual, you know that. And I don’t want to be sucked into a messy divorce.”

At that Sadie sighed, reaching out and covering her friend’s hand, “Cosmo is different Heidi. You know that.”

Sadie was the only one who knew. One very drunken night Heidi’s deep and dark past had come out, the one time in her life that she wanted to forget, the one regret...the one thing that kept raring its ugly head whenever she was down.

From an idyllic childhood of long days on the beach, life in the Caribbean, her teenage years became an instant wake up call. Her parents still living overseas decided that to maximise her education, she needed English boarding school. The separation anxiety, as much from the laid back lifestyle as her parents killed her. She didn’t have her brother’s vitality, where he was the life and soul of his school, surrounded by friends and popular, she was the opposite. She w shy, quiet and reserved, and missed her family.

Holidays were spent travelling back to her parents alone, or visiting her grandmother in Scotland...her brother on the other hand was always invited skiing or to some holiday home by one of his legions of friends. Being bullied, being talked about, being SO alone...it wasn’t a happy time. But then university beckoned, and at last she felt as though she fitted in.

Fashion and design was a course that her brother had laughed out loud with scorn. But she had always loved the concept of fashion. And whilst she still hadn’t got over her shyness, and didn’t make friends easily, she loved every moment of her course.

She had a room on campus and socialised, just not as much as some, but then she was happy sitting in her room working on designs, some for her coursework, but once she got into things, she found the drawings she’d worked on over the years, simple designs that had been inspired by so many events and occasions through her youth, and started to work on them too.

She never knew whether it was her enthusiasm or diligence for her school or something completely different that brought her to the attention of David Symons, the honorary professor affiliated to the Faculty of Design. He was the one who lectured them about product design and marketing having been an executive designer with some of the biggest fashion houses in the country. And within a few lessons he seemed to have noticed her.

Before the term was out, he’d asked her out.

Sadie coughed and covered Heidi’s hand with her own, “Cosmo is not him, this isn’t the same.”

Heidi huffed out the breath she’d been unwittingly holding, venturing back to those days never made her comfortable, all those years later. “No? A married man...a scorned wife...I am NOT being the scarlet woman again Sadie, I am not.”