What about you? - 16

Chapter 16

                “Won’t you come for actual Christmas Day Katie? We haven’t seen you since the wedding and that was almost two months ago.” Kate sighed at the desperation in her mother’s voice and gripped the phone tighter.

                “I know Mum, and I promise that after Christmas it’ll be better. I’m coming Christmas Eve morning; I’ll be there all day.  But I have to go to Peter’s.”

Her mother sighed, “I have to be grateful for the scraps you throw my way.”

Kate’s heart sank, her mother sounded more defeated than she’d ever known, and it was all her fault. But if this meeting with Clarissa that evening went to plan, she’d use Christmas to start the ball rolling, distancing herself emotionally from Peter. She’d still help out, visit, hell she’d still pay for his care, but she couldn’t give up her life for him not anymore. It made sense to her, but she had no idea how Clarissa would take the news.

Clarissa Wightman was a very glamorous woman, no doubt in the past she’d been a beautiful woman, but the pressures of an over demanding husband, and a similarly spoilt son, had taken its toll. The last six years with Peter being as he was had further aged the woman. When Kate entered the small cafe near the Residential home she immediately spotted the older woman sat primly at a window table perusing the menu with a head titled to allow her to read through her bifocals.

The smile when she saw Kate was warm and genuine, jumping to her feet in an elegant fashion; she hugged Kate giving her a friendly kiss on the cheek.

                “You’re looking well Kate! How are things?”

Kate shucked off her coat then lowered herself into the seat opposite Clarissa, “I’m good, tired, but that’s the build up to Christmas.”

                “You are still coming? Aren’t you?” the sudden surge of desperation in the other woman’s voice caused the hair on Kate’s neck to rise, there was that guilt filled suck into the family that she’d been unable to resist over the years.

                “I am coming,” she offered gently. “But to be honest with you Clarissa, I really need to discuss things with you.”

A waitress appeared and the two of them ordered coffee, when they were alone again the older woman turned to Kate, “what do you mean?”

                “Well...” It was so bloody hard to find the words. “I’ve spent the last six Christmas days with you all, my mother’s not getting any younger, I missed my father’s last Christmas, and I may well have a niece or nephew by this time next year.”

                “So you want to spend next Christmas with your family? I don’t know how Peter will cope with that change...and to be apart from him...” She looked sad, and suddenly Kate’s worst fears were realised, Clarissa thought she wanted Peter to go with her, she couldn’t envisage Kate not being there for Peter.

                “Well he can still come to you, at the end of the day Clarissa; I do need a little bit more space. I work hard and spend most of my spare time babysitting Peter.” She said the hard words gently. “I thought by now there’d be some come back from him, that he’d improve. It’s hard getting no support and no care back from him.”

Clarissa looked genuinely stunned, “I had no idea.”

Kate sighed, “As a parent you’re used to unrequited, unconditional love, and the fact that he needs you so much is something you’ve always had. But to be honest with you, it’s not the role of a partner. I’m lonely, the only role I have with Peter is that of a carer. And that is hard for me.”

Clarissa gulped, choking on her emotion, “so that means you’re not going to see him again?”

Kate reached out and took hands that shook with anxiety in her own, “no. Don’t be stupid Clarissa. Peter still means a lot to me. I’ll visit, and I’ll still help keep him where he is. But I need to cut back on my time with him, have some me time.”

                “Have you met someone else? Is that what it is?” despite the nature of the question, it wasn’t said with anything resembling animosity.

                “No!” she said honestly. “I’m doing this for me, so I can do some things for me, spend more time with my friends and family. I’ve become so isolated.” She paused as a waiter arrived with their coffee, gently placing a cup in front of each of them before retreating with a smile. “I don’t want you to think I’m abandoning you, I’m not at all, but I really need to change things. Get some me time maybe. I’m twenty seven, and since graduating from university I’ve not even had a decent holiday. I think I’m exhausted.”

Slowly shaking her head Clarissa tried to smile, “I feel awful now, I never realised. I know how difficult Peter can be...”

                “Don’t think for a moment that I regret what I’ve done with Peter, I don’t. I’ve just got to the point where I need to change things.”

                “So what do you suggest?”

Rifling in her bag, Kate pulled out some leaflets, “I’ve been looking into it, there are three charities that provide respite care for people matching Peter’s description. They do hourly friendship sessions, the sort of things we do, taking him out, watching TV with him, that sort of thing. They also do residential holidays too, but that’s quite expensive. My thoughts were that we could introduce him to the idea over Christmas, maybe request one or two named people so that he can get used to them. That way he’s not too traumatised.”

Kate was still holding Clarissa’s hands, and was surprised to feel the older lady squeeze her hands back, “you really do care about him, don’t you?”

Kate nodded, “there’s no way I could have done all this if I didn’t.”

Three days to Christmas. Kate sighed as she buttoned her coat up to her chin and pulled her knitted hat down over her forehead, heading out into the dark evening from the confines of her office. Tonight was the annual dinner at Chez Tilly, every year her and the boys were wined and dined by their former housemate, and tomorrow Tilly and Ashton were heading off to the South West coast for Christmas with her parents. This year Kate had Christmas Eve off from work a rarity, so she was surprising her mother by arriving there tomorrow, a whole day before she was expected on Christmas Eve.

As she crossed the city with her bags filled with gifts, bottles of wine and the large container of homemade red pepper soup that she’d made as a starter for the meal, she smiled, looking forward to Christmas for the first time in years.  It was an awful night, dark, cold, wet, but she had a lift in her step and a smile across her face.

                “Someone looks like they lost a penny and found a pound!” Steve answered the door at Tilly’s. As usual when there was free alcohol on offer Steve and Mike as a duo were there.

                “I’ve got a week off for Christmas and my best mate is cooking me dinner...surely that’s a good enough reason?” She hugged him, even though she’d seen him that morning at breakfast, there was something special about a Christmas evening out. The house smelled divine as she followed him into the large modern kitchen. Mike was lounging at the dining table a bottle of beer in his hand, and nodded an acknowledgement to her as she entered the room.

                “What’s making you so happy?” he grunted.

Kate laughed, “Am I really that grumpy all the time?”

The two boys stared at each other, so many unwritten words passing between them before they burst out laughing, nodding their heads enthusiastically. Amidst their guffaws of laughter, Mike got up and found her a bottle of beer.

                “Where’s Tilly?” she asked accepting the bottle then searching for a pan big enough to reheat the huge container of soup.

                “Ashton phoned; she had to pick him up somewhere. Apparently everything is done; she wanted us to make you feel at home.” Steve shrugged as he sat opposite Mike.

                “Well you did a great job of that!” she set the pot on a low heat then slid alongside Mike.

Both men gave faux shocked faces, at her perceived oversensitivity. Usually the conversation between the three of them was fast flowing and easy, but it wasn’t long before she realised that there was a distance, some sort of awkwardness there.

Stirring the soup for a moment, she turned to look at them both, and knew when she saw Mike studying his finger nails, Steve picking at the label on his beer bottle that something wasn’t right.

                “Ok!” Kate spun around hands on hips. “Spit it out! What’s going on?”

If she had any doubt, it was confirmed by the immediate look of guilt that crossed each face.

                “Come on guys. It’s me! What’s up?” She sat at the end of the table between them, glancing from face to face.

                “We’re going travelling. Long term. Oz maybe, US, we’ve not got stringent plans, but we want to do something before we hit thirty and wake up as a boring banker.” Mike sighed, “But we don’t want to lose touch with you and Till, and we definitely don’t want to leave you in the lurch.”

Ah, the house. That explained it. She was too old to look for new house mates, yet too strapped for cash with Peter’s expenses to think about living alone. She tried to think optimistically, as one door closes another opens doesn’t it?

Pasting on a happy smile, Kate grinned moving her eyes from one to the other, “that’s wonderful! I’m SO pleased for you! Can I come in your suitcase?”

Steve paused before he spoke, “if we thought you’d come we would’ve invited you!”

Nodding as she spoke Kate replied, “I know, I’m hardly likely to shirk my responsibilities am I?”

Just a few seconds later the kitchen door swung open and Tilly stood there smiling...sensing the atmosphere she froze, “what’s up?”

                “We just told Kate the news.”

Tilly nodded slowly, “Are you ok love?” When Kate nodded she added, “You can always move here, this is a huge house...plenty of room for you.”

It was Kate’s worst nightmare, charity may begin at home, but the last thing she needed was group pity. The three faces looked at her expectantly waiting for her decision.

                “God Tilly! You’re about to get married, why the hell would you want me here...hell why would I want to be in love paradise! I’m fine all, I can find a new place, or get a housemate or two. Preferably ones without Playstations, gas, and the ability to create culinary carnage in ten minutes...Oh and no porn! How hard can that be?”

It took some effort, but she managed to change the topic and they settled into their meal, wine and beer free flowing, and then the obligatory gift swap. Kate loved her new Radley bag, a rather extravagant present from the three, but now as they finished up their food, she realised that this was the likely the last time they’d do this.

Tilly was making coffee to sober them up a little when Kate dared suggest that.

                “So is this the last time we all sit here together? Our last Christmas supper?”

The other three looked at her slowly, a new realisation crossing their faces. “Well,” she added, “Tilly will be pregnant and loved up by next Christmas, and you two’ll be barbequing on Bondi Beach, or bungee jumping in some picturesque valley in New Zealand.”

                “And you,” Tilly started taking her hands, “will be living the life you want. Promise?”

Kate nodded, “I hope so! But I miss you all already!” The two girls hugged.

                “We’re not leaving until after the wedding,” Steve protested when the two women opened their arms inviting them into their embrace.

Kate was fighting her melancholy feelings all the way home in the taxi, she regretted the beer, champagne and wine. Her optimism at speaking to Clarissa had been wiped out by the thought of such widespread change, disruption to her life. As usual the boys were excited, planning their Christmas ski trip, when they were in this form of mood it was easy to disappear, for Kate to sink into the past. She hated change, not because she was afraid of it, but it seemed to only highlight how awful her world had become. Her friends were all doing what THEY wanted for Christmas, whereas she was doing...Kate laughed, she didn’t even know what she actually wanted to do. Other than see her mother, her brother. The name, or rather the face of Mason flashed into her conscious thought, but she shook it away.

That worked until she was upstairs, in her cold bedroom...alone.

Pulling out her phone, she dialled the number that she’d memorised weeks ago. It rang, then rang some more. Finally it clicked to answer phone.

                “Hi, Mason Fitzgerald. Can’t take the call, leave a message.”

Brief and to the point she mused for the few seconds before she decided to actually speak.

                “Mason...um...it’s me. Kate that is. Um...I wanted to talk to you, see how you were. But well...um...I guess we can speak another time?”

With that she hung up then buried her blushing face into the duvet, what the hell was that message? She'd broken the golden rule. Drunk calling...