Never Again - 24

Chapter 24 - getting used to it all

A few days later Jack jetted off to Malaysia for a week with his squad, and Erin was glad for a moment out of his radar. After work she planned to relax with a movie, just her and Barney, she was visiting Michelle this weekend, and then there was the plan to tell her parents about the baby.

Groaning, that wasn’t the best thought, she left her office and made for her car.

                “Erin!”

The female voice caused her to stop in her tracks, turning she saw Danielle Millward stood next to her own car an apologetic smile on her face. Erin had a moment to think, she wasn’t angry with Danni, in fact she was quite glad that she’d saved Erin the awkwardness of actually broaching the subject with Jack. He was right to be angry, and it wasn’t Danielle’s fight, she had no obligation to Erin, if anything her loyalty was with Jack. And Erin respected her for that.

                “Hi Danni,” she walked over to the other woman and saw the emotion on her face. She was nervous, and that was ridiculous. Erin smiled and pulled her into a hug, and she sighed as she felt the other woman physically relax.

                “I was thinking you’d hate me by now.”

Erin smiled, “you did me a favour, I was struggling to make that call.”

                “He turned up, as soon as I got home, I didn’t intend to tell him, but he could tell I was anxious!”

She was the worst person at hiding stress that Erin had ever met, so she knew that was true, she answered with a grin, “it’s ok, honestly!”

                “I was wondering if you wanted to go for a coffee? That was the plan if you didn’t slap my face!”

And so they found themselves having a hot drink and a piece of cake in a small cafe overlooking a busy street of shops and boutiques.

                “So how are you feeling?”  Danni played with the spoon in her coffee. “I know I felt like crap the whole time I was pregnant.”

Erin laughed, “You were having two, this is definitely only one, so it must take less toll on your body! I’m fine; I anticipated feeling a lot worse!”

                “Lucky you! Enjoy it, it only gets harder...How’s Jack about it all?”

Erin sipped at her tea, contemplating an answer, how did she think he was coping? Danni probably had more of an idea than her; he wasn’t exactly one for sharing his emotions. “He’s ok I guess, he doesn’t tell me much...” she glanced up at the other woman, “he probably tells you more!”

Danni nodded, “so it seems! I didn’t want to meet you to tell tales or compare stories, but I liked you when I met you, and you’re going to be linked to Jack, that was my motivation, but yes he does talk to me. He came around after you’d bought the car.” She stifled a laugh, and Erin did too. “I thought it was a great move. He’s not very good at relationships Erin, and that was a prime example of why! He wants to control everything, compartmentalise it, he doesn’t realise that it’s give and take. But I do think he’s getting there.” She laughed again, “I’m not trying to big him up, he doesn’t need my help in the charm department, but I love him like a brother, he’s a good guy...even if he works hard to hide that fact!”

Erin drove home digesting the afternoon intently; Danni had given her along with an invitation to dinner when the men were home, a lot of food for thought. Not that it was anything new, she would never have slept with him if he wasn’t a fundamentally good man, but he hid that trait well!

                “Are you sure you don’t mind Barney staying with us?” Erin was stuck in traffic on the M6 heading to her friend’s home, but courtesy of her new car she had a fantastic hands free kit for her phone.

                “Of course not! I’ve even cleared a sofa for him; you’ve always come as a pair! I’ve got loads planned, so come on, get your arse into gear and get here now!”

Hanging up, Erin laughed, turned the radio up, then sang along to songs until she finally pulled up outside her best friends’ home a while later. She’d barely settled in when her phone rang. Smiling she answered.

                “Reilly! How goes it?” There were a dozen things she longed to say, she’d missed him SO much, but she couldn’t bring herself to let her guard down. Not yet.

                “Erin!” Her name was a sigh, and she loved that. “How are you?”

She leaned back against the sofa, knowing her face displayed a smug grin, “I’m good...we’re good!” He sighed at that too. “Me and Barney have just got to Michelle and Dave’s - after a great trip in Friday night traffic.”

He chuckled, “So you’re saying I got to Kuala Lumpur quicker?”

She laughed, “Something like that! So how is Malaysia? Other than hot!”

They spoke genially for fifteen minutes, then he was expected on club business, the players were visiting schools and charity organisations for the remainder of the day before three games in the next seven days. He wasn’t likely to figure in them all, but it was still a tight schedule, and with the time difference it was unlikely they’d speak much again. He then promised to resort to emails, promising to write daily.

                “So what have you got planned?” She asked Michelle after they’d had a cup of tea, both being pregnant their usual diet of coffee and wine was a thing of the past.

                “Well! Take away tonight - your choice, then a pamper day tomorrow. What do you think?”

                “Perfect!”

The weekend passed far too quickly, they had enjoyed so much time, the spa day had been wonderful, luxurious, they’d walked Barney on Primrose Hill, eaten like Kings...or rather Queens. It was a tearful goodbye on the doorstep Sunday morning.

Erin had intended to travel home via her parents, to pass on her news, but she wasn’t up to it, she really had become a chicken these days.

Jack was true to his word, he emailed her regularly, telling her all about the day’s events, games he’d played, jokes, idiotic actions of his team mates. It sounded as they were having a ball, and she really had nothing to report in return. 

The week flew by, she was busy in work, there were a lot of sports people trying to get fit for the coming season and that meant working with her. When Jack called on Saturday morning he had just landed in Manchester airport.

                “You ok?”  He asked, and she could hear the concern in his voice.

                “I’m good. Busy, but good. How was the trip?”

He laughed, “How ungrateful do I sound complaining about it? Long, hot and very tiring. Missed home, and I worried about you!”

                “Me?!” She laughed, where that concern should probably make her feel protected, she had the sneaky feeling that his was him not having control again. “I’m fine! I told you.”

Laughing again he added, “Like you’d tell me if you weren’t! Seeing you means I can tell how you are! Can I come and see you? I want to feed my worry!”

                “How can I refuse? What did you have in mind? You must be shattered!”

                “I am, but I want to see you, that’s more important. Shall I take you out for dinner?”

The last time they’d been out he’d abandoned her, and that was her immediate recollection when he asked. She had no intention of recreating that sort of awkwardness again. “I’ll cook. Do you have a request?”

                “Surprise me.”

He arrived within two hours, hair still wet from the shower, dressed in a pair of well worn jeans and t-shirt. “I managed to shower and change...”

Laughing she welcomed him into the house, and there was an awkward moment when they half hugged, but neither knew exactly how to deal with the other.  Erin pulled back and forced a smile, “more likely you couldn’t wait check to up on me! I feel like a naughty schoolgirl!”

He widened his eyes for a second, “that’s a rather evocative thought!”

Swatting at him with a hand she rolled her eyes, “I’ve lit the barbeque; it’s not a huge one but enough for us. I’m presuming your alpha barbie male is simmering under the surface?”

                “Show me the way!” He laughed.

Replete and relaxed they were sat on the small patio enjoying the sun, music wafting out of the doors, when Erin turned to him. Jack’s eyes were closed, his face upturned to the sun, and she smiled, it was so lovely when they didn’t argue, when he was being the nice guy she knew he could be.

He looked exhausted, and whilst she was so tempted to offer her bed, encourage him to relax, he’d rushed straight from the airport to see her, she knew that she couldn’t cope with him here, in her home like that. So when he yawned she stayed quiet then watched him struggle to get up and leave to drive home.

The following morning she woke early, she’d been uncomfortable over night; she presumed the thought of Jack in her bed was playing on her subconscious. An hour later she stood in the bathroom shaking. She was bleeding...not a little spot, a lot, more than she thought was healthy. Suddenly she panicked, she couldn’t lose this baby, it was everything to her. She didn’t have any pain, there was no reason to think she was having any problems, she’d just gone to the bathroom. The feeling of fear was overwhelming her.

Barely able to move for her shaking legs and nausea, she reached for the phone, she wasn’t sure that she could get hold of Doctor Carter on a weekend. But searching through her bag she found a business card.

                “Come to the hospital immediately. I’ll meet you there!” the older woman assured her.

                “Am I losing the baby?”

The voice was reassuring, “Erin it could be a hundred different things. Honestly. Just come in. Will Jack be able to drive you?”

                “Can’t I drive myself?”

Dr Carter sighed, “You need to relax, and you might feel pain.”

                “So I am losing it?” Erin could barely speak the words.

                “Erin, I need to see you ASAP, get Jack to drive you to the hospital, and relax okay?”

Calling Jack, relying on him, was against everything she stood for, to admit she needed him, well that was almost blasphemy. But she did.

                “Erin?” his sounded sleepy as he answered the phone, but she could hear the surprise in his voice. “You ok?”

It was the worst thing he could have asked, because now she had to vocalise the words that ‘no she wasn’t’. And tears beat the words and a small sob escaped her lips.

                “You at home? I’m on my way!”

Within twenty minutes she was opening the door to him, and was curled up in his arms and his lips were kissing her forehead, “What is it Erin?”

For a moment she wanted everything to stop, cocooned in his arms it all seemed okay, she was safe. But as soon as she pulled back slightly and looked up at him, she realised that she wasn’t safe, this was really happening.

                “I’m bleeding...” she could barely form the words, “Dr Carter is waiting for us at the hospital.”

Erin didn’t know how she expected him to act, but she definitely didn’t anticipate him being so calm, so controlled. He helped her into the car, spoke quietly to her en route, then led her into the waiting room.

The next hour passed in a blur. The last thing she wanted or needed was him being next to her as she was prodded, poked and examined. But he sat beside her, holding her hand, being the epitome of the perfect companion. When she needed him, he came good.

Lying there, waiting for the doctor to return was the hardest few moments of her life, Jack could only hold her hand, he didn’t try and initiate conversations. When the door opened they both looked up terrified.

                “Erin, the baby is fine, the bleeding is because you have low lying placenta. We’re going to have to keep a close eye on you. But if you stop work, relax, then there’s no reason why you shouldn’t carry to full term.”

The relief was palpable, and Jack stood, a smile beaming across his lips as he shook Dr Carter’s hand enthusiastically, “thank you doctor, that’s great news! Thank you so much.”

Jack glanced down at Erin; he’d not known fear like he had the last few hours. Erin was so pale, she was a shadow of the normally vivacious woman he’d come to know. She coped with everything; she was so strong, so independent. The fact that she wasn’t now was the scariest part of it all. Now that they knew the baby was fine he’d thought that she’d relax, that she’d at least smile, but she didn’t. She looked as scared now as she had the moment he’d picked her up.

                “Erin, this is good news, don’t look so scared.”

She turned to look at him, her eyes wide, “scared?” She shook her head, “I can’t stop working...how can I?”

He grinned, “That’s the least of your worries!”

                “How can I pay rent? Put petrol in my car without a job? I haven’t worked there long enough to get any sick pay. There’s still more twenty five weeks until this baby is born...” She suddenly stared at him, “I’ll have to go back and live with my parents, oh god, it was so hard last time.”

He placed a finger over her lips, “shush! It’s easy; you and Barney come and live with me. There’s no other option now!”

A feeling of immense dread filled Erin, it was one thing needing his emotional support, but without an income living in his house, being totally reliant on him sounded like hell, she couldn’t allow that, surely.

                “Erin, don’t over think this! It’s the best thing for you, and the best thing for the baby. We can work out the details, agree on rules, but there’s no other option for us, not really.”

Never Again - 23

Chapter 23 - finding boundaries...

 

Jack was prompt the next morning; annoyingly he looked as though he’d slept for twelve hours and more. Erin was feeling shattered, despite going early to bed her sleep had been restless, and now she was still anything but refreshed. She knew that she as sulking like a petulant child, but that was exactly how he made her feel.

 Sliding in to the passenger seat, Erin tried her best not to scowl, and more importantly not to snap at Jack’s stifled laugh, he obviously was taking great amusement at her discomfort, and she hated that her childish behaviour embarrassed her.

He drove to a car dealership on the outskirts of the city, and immediately started opening car doors and examining the interiors. Within seconds a rather harassed salesman pounced on him, then almost exploded with pleasure when he realised just who the crazy patron was. With the confidence of a guaranteed sale, the salesman - Jonathan, whisked them into the showroom and smothered them with attention. Jack expected it, Erin could tell, but it was all a bit much for her.

As the two men got into debates over the finer points of the specifications of the latest range of cars, Erin excused herself and made for the sunny forecourt. She wasn’t girly enough to choose a car by its colour...but it helped! She also needed a people carrier so she had the room for Barney.

So she made for a row of them, all in different shiny colours, she sat in the driver’s seat and fiddled around, the adjustable mirrors, the stereo, the gadgets that it offered. The next one was black, but the interior was metallic, so much nicer than the previous one, but it had alloy wheels and reminded her of a teenage boy’s wet dream, she was a woman in her thirties!

The fourth one was perfect, black again, but a compromise, if she was going to drive the car, then she’d have the final say, not Ayton Senna who was still ensconced in the showroom.

A young boy immaculately dressed approached, “can I help you miss?”

She nodded, “I like this car, and I’d like to buy it!”

Grinning, he dug in his pocket, “good choice, would you like a test drive?”

Rubbing her hands together enthusiastically, she grinned, “sounds perfect.” Then she caught the keys he tossed her way.

Diving into the driver’s seat, she started the engine and was rewarded with a purr, pulling slowly off the forecourt and onto the quiet street, she honked the horn. Jack’s head snapped up and she couldn’t help but laugh at the look of shock on his face. When she looked at the salesman, or rather boy sat beside her, his name tag read Greg, she saw a similar look of shock on his face.

                “You’re with Mr Reilly?”

She nodded, “for my sins! And YOU’LL be getting the commission on this sale. How does that sound?”

The boy stuttered and she grinned, “Don’t ever change, not everyone wants a smarmy salesman rammed down their throats, Jack loves the attention, but we’re not all like him.” She swung the car around a corner and hit a flat open road, so she squeezed the accelerator.

They were gone a maximum of five minutes, but when they returned it was to some form of chaos. Jack was pacing the forecourt an angry look on his face, Jonathan the salesman looked apoplectic.

                “Can I drive this away today?” She asked Greg.

He nodded, “if Mr Reilly’s paying cash he can do what he wants!” 

                “Good!” She stopped outside the building and turned off the engine, “let’s go finalise!”

Erin could feel the anger emanating from everywhere, but she didn’t care, turning to Jack she smiled, “Greg here says I can drive this away today. I love it!”

                “But we were looking at ordering...”

She shook her head, “Reilly, I want this one! And Greg here is going to sort it out for us. Now!”

Greg was nervously tapping at the computer when she finally found him, “are you in trouble Greg?”

He laughed, “I’ve been waiting months to take a commission off Jonathan, you’re like my fairy godmother!”

Sitting opposite him she laughed, then started to answer his questions.

Jack joined them, a strained look on his face, merely parting with his bankcard when asked. He was angry, she’d overridden him, made him look foolish, but he was so over powering, and Erin was not the sort of woman to tolerate that, he had to learn that about her, and soon.

Emerging into the sun, she thanked Greg for his help, then walked towards her new car. Jack was still silent accompanying her towards the new vehicle.

                “I’m guessing you’re angry Reilly, welcome to my world. If you want to join me for lunch you’re more than welcome, but if not, I’ll presume you need the time to digest my actions.”

With that she jumped in her new car and drove off.

Furious didn’t come close; Jack fired the engine of his SUV and hit the road. If he drove for ten hours he didn’t think he’d calm down. But he knew he couldn’t confront her like this, not now she was pregnant.

After twenty minutes he looked up and realised he was only a few miles from Scott’s home, he relied on Danni far more than was healthy, but she was the only person who understood him. Swinging in to their driveway, he was glad to see their cars parked on the driveway.

Scott opened the door and almost laughed, “Man, you are the only entertainment I’ve needed this last few weeks. What the hell have you done now?”

Jack groaned, “I’ve done nothing...”

Danni having heard their voices came out of the lounge, “so what do you perceive Erin to have done?”

She led the way to the kitchen and filled the coffee machine as the two men sat opposite each other at the kitchen table. At that moment Caitlyn the older of the eighteen month old twins, burst into the kitchen, pointing at Jack she gurgled, “Ack!!” It was as close as either of them got to his name, and he loved it!

Smiling for the first time in what seemed like ages, he pulled her onto his lap and blew a raspberry onto her cheek. She giggled ridiculously, until Sophie her identical yet so different sister joined them. Whenever he was there the two fought for his attention, and he never got bored of them. Scott laughed, and Danni just nodded knowingly.

They got bored soon and headed back into the lounge for more toys, it was then Danni handed him a coffee, “so spill!”

He groaned, “I bought her a car.”

                “Why?” Scott asked genuinely interested.

He sighed, “she’d driving around in a fifteen year old car that looks to have had more owners than care...she lives alone, she’s pregnant...”

Danni placed a hand on his shoulder, “you care! We get that! But were you tactful? She’s not going to just take you walking into her life bossing her around. Surely you can see that?”

He groaned, and then told them the story of his morning. Scott was guffawing and Danni smirking as he finished.

                “Sounds like she’s got your number Jack! I’m liking this girl more and more!”

Danni nodded, “can’t say I blame her, and I’m glad she’s got the balls to stand up to you! Did you think of her feelings once today?”

He dropped his head into his hands, “I only want what’s best for her.”

Danni nodded, “then tell her, that’s all you can do. You didn’t like her taking control today, but that was exactly what you were doing. Go Erin I say!”

Scott was standing and he clapped Jack on the back, “I’m thinking you need to show her your better side or she’ll be long gone!”

Jack scowled at him, “she offered me dinner so I must be dong something right!”

                “Then why aren’t you there?”

Looking at Danni he realised she was right, Erin knew she’d pushed him, but that was her way of testing boundaries, her attempts to compromise with his heavy arm tactics. He’d not given any consideration to what she wanted, he could see that now, and he didn’t like to taste his own medicine!

Erin knew that he’d join her for lunch, that was a given, but she didn’t know what sort of mood he was in, not that she cared, he had to learn that this was not the way she was happy to live her life. She’d told Michelle all about her new car on the phone earlier; it wouldn’t be so easy to tell her parents, she was still dreading her father’s reaction to the father of her baby. Something else she’d have to confront.

She chosen against hot food, it was a beautiful day, so she’d laid the table in her small courtyard garden with her favourite crockery, she’d baked potatoes and grilled salmon, and it was almost ready, she was just cutting up the last of the salad when there was a knock on the door.

Wiping her hands, Erin made to answer it, and decided that she would take the ignorance course of action; she didn’t really want to rehash the morning’s events.

                “Hi Reilly!” She smiled offering her into her home. It was a welcome greeting, as though she was pleased to see him, really pleased. He loved the sound, not quite as much as when she’d called him Jack, but that had been in a far more intimate situation and one that it seemed she had no intention of repeating.

A million excuses, explanations and reasons were on the top of his tongue, but she turned away from him and led him through to the lounge.

                “I’ve cooked some salmon, I’m presuming you like?”

                “Erin!”

She glanced over her shoulder at the sound of her name; he was stood hands on hips, “I’m sorry. For earlier.”

If he’d spoken in fluent Spanish she couldn’t have been more surprised, she could just nod and accept it, but she wasn’t exactly clear as to what part of earlier he was sorry for. In the end her curiosity won through, “for what exactly?”

He groaned he was hoping to use the apology to ease the tension; the last thing he had intended was to have to explain anything in detail. “I was...I...I didn’t ask you what you wanted, then I was angry when you did what you wanted...I’m not used to it. Ok?”

She laughed, “Not used to what? People having their own mind...” She half closed her eyes, “or women knowing their own mind?”

Groaning he propped a hand against the door frame and looked down at her, “this isn’t easy for me you know!”

She nodded, “nor me. Just because you are the father of this child, it does not give you the right to dictate to me. You have got to understand that! Ok?”

                “I just want to wrap you up in cotton wool and make sure you’re both safe, I know that’s not practical, but that’s the caveman in me, ok?”

Laughing, she reached out and laid a hand on his cheek, “if you try and wrap me in cotton wool I’ll set fire to it!”

He laughed too, “Touché, I am going to try and understand.”

With a nod she reached up and kissed her cheek, “thanks for the car, it’s amazing. I hate being bought, but hey, I figure this baby deserves it!”

                “He does!”

                “He???” she raised an eyebrow, “you reckon?”

They ate the food out in the mid afternoon sun. They got on well when they weren’t arguing, but Jack was careful not to push her too hard, and he had to hide his recurrent desire to force her up against the wall and mash his lips to hers. She really would be angry then.

He stayed until early evening, both sat in the small garden in the glorious sunshine.

                “I’m off to Malaysia in four days, a pre-season tour. I’m worried about leaving you alone.”

She laughed, “poor me! How will I survive?” She placed a hand dramatically on her forehead and swooned.

                “Ok wise arse, I get that you’ll be fine. I feel responsible, ok?”

Giving him a dazzling smile, she replied, “You’re going to spend a long time very frustrated if you keep that up! I’m my own boss Reilly!”

He groaned, he was already VERY frustrated, could he cope with anymore?

When she saw him out, when he finally decided to leave, he pulled her into his arms and kissed her on the lips.

She pulled back and swatted at him, “none of that funny business Mr Reilly!”

Jack could only smile, he’d enjoyed the afternoon with her, and knew she liked his company too, they’d been good together once, and they could be again. Allowing her to push him away, he leaned forward and whispered in her ear, “we’re good together Erin, don’t forget that!”

                “Past tense Reilly, all in the past!” With an equally beaming smile, she closed the door behind him, then out of his sight, collapsed onto the floor. She’d been so tempted to throw caution to the wind, but she couldn’t, it was all wrong.

Sighing, she made for the bathroom, a relaxing bath was in order, Jack was a confusing problem that wasn’t going anywhere, but she needed her wits about her to deal with him that was for sure.

Never Again - 22

Chapter 22 - this is reality

Jack smile appeared a lot easier than it was, “we can discuss details as time goes on, but look around Erin, you can’t raise a child here. It’s completely unsuitable.”

Erin hid her extreme resentment at his judgement, as best she could, his presumption angered her, as did the casual way he lounged in the seat watching her, so relaxed when she was barely holding it together,  “please don’t stand here and make such sweeping statements. I’ve had an extremely busy day. You might think this has been an easy transition for me, but it hasn’t. Can we talk about this tomorrow?”

He knew when he was defeated, so he answered with a nod. There was time to talk, he’d come here in a temper wanting to make demands, but he was leaving a lot calmer, he just had to play Erin correctly, then she’d see that his suggestions were the right ones.

Erin smiled sadly, “come for dinner tomorrow, we can talk then.”

Jack knew he was being dismissed, but he was okay with that, after all he had a lot to deal with in his own mind. Nodding he made for the door, “I’ll be here at seven.”

Jack slid back into his car and fired the engine; he felt like hitting the motorway and blasting as much speed as he could muster, but that wasn’t practical, plus he owed Danni an apology. He’d been so bullish to her. So he wound his way across the city to his friend’s home.

                “Sorry Dan.” He offered when she opened the door.

She smiled and pulled him into a hug, “no worries, it was all a bit of a mess...how was it?”

He pulled back and looked down at her, and suddenly he felt the strange sensation of prickling at his eyes, there was no way he was crying, he’d not cried in as long as he could remember, but he realised he felt more emotional than he’d ever been before. Taking a deep breath he tried to vocalise his thoughts, “I don’t know. I went in angry...not a good move.”

Laughing she led him into the lounge where Scott was stretched out on a sofa watching the golf.

                “Reilly, how was it?” He smiled in an understanding way, but didn’t move from his lounging posture on the sofa.

Jack sat on a seat opposite, “sorry for earlier man, I was out of order.”

Scott shrugged it off, “not being funny, but I was freaked when Danni told me she was pregnant, and we were married, thinking about it, you know? Can’t imagine how freaky it must be for you!”

Jack nodded, “I don’t know whether I’m coming or going!” Slumping back in the seat he groaned and the couple laughed. “Don’t laugh; I don’t know what I’m doing!”

                “It’s a lot to take in love, but just don’t do anything rash, give it some time.” Danni offered.

                “So telling her she’ll be moving lock, stock and barrel into my house ASAP wasn’t the most tactical move.”

Danni burst out laughing, “I presume she told you where to get off!”

He nodded, “in as many words!”

                “She’ll be as stunned as you, and to be honest, nothing in your life will change. Give her time. And be understanding!” Danni sighed, “It’s a scary time, honestly just let her get used to it first. Ok?”

He sighed, “But she’s so pigheaded, I want to shake her!”

Danni laughed again, “And you’re not??? DON’T do that, whatever you do! Just hang fire; she’s hormonal and likely to kill you if you act too overpowering. Listen to her, maybe agree, even if you don’t. But whatever you do, make her feel you support her, that’s what she needs. Otherwise she might cut you out completely. And you are not the sort of man who’d take that.”

He agreed, the last thing he wanted was a child of his growing up without him, never knowing him. Danni was right, patience was a virtue.

Erin was exhausted. It hadn’t been an easy first day back. The clinic had been busy, her diary had no spaces. She hadn’t told her bosses of her predicament, she needed to look into the policies and entitlements before she confronted them. Financially it was going to be a mess when she took maternity leave, but she had no choice really, she’d work something out she was sure. She had to.

She was shattered when she got home, but she’d promised Jack dinner. Lasagne took an hour, she had forty five minutes. It was in the oven and she’d literally just stepped out of the shower when the door bell rang. She pulled on a pair of shorts and a vest top; she refused to dress up for him, the finally made for the door.

Jack stood there sarcastically twiddling his thumbs, he was dressed in a t-shirt and shorts too, coupled with flip-flops, he’d managed to read her mind and dress casually too. Outdone once again.

                “Come in Reilly!” She stepped back and gestured inside. With a mod he passed her only to be swamped by the huge lump that was Barney. He hated to admit it, but he’d got quite fond of the old boy. Then he smelled the meal, whatever it was, the aroma was wonderful. For a moment he had a vision of walking in from training to see Erin in his hi-tech kitchen making dinner.

Shaking his head clear of that vision, Erin had been heavily pregnant in that image and he couldn’t begin to contemplate just how erotic that was. He was becoming a sap, all swoon and desire. That would spoil his plans and he had to get her living in his house, that was objective numero uno.

                “Dinner smells nice!” he turned to face her, and smiled, she was looking beautiful, refreshing, and unadorned, and hostile. That indifference, anger, it excited him.  “And you look great!”

She scoffed, “it’s only lasagne, and I’m bloody shattered, so nice try!” With that she disappeared into the kitchen.

Jack chuckled to himself; a wound up Erin was someone who cared. He loved that, in was disinterest and complacency he feared.

                “So I was thinking...” He moved to the kitchen door, “I want you to see a private doctor, just double check everything.”

Her head snapped up, “They’re hardly going to give you a different diagnosis!”

Again he laughed, “I know...but this is my first baby Erin, I’d like to see scans, be there when the doctors talk to you, hell I want to be involved, is that wrong?”

Erin sighed, how did you come back to that comment? As she’d been reminded so bloody frequently, he deserved to be involved, he wanted to be part of the baby’s life. She couldn’t ask for anything else, in fact she’d tried to goad him into saying the opposite. But he hadn’t, he’d said everything she’d wanted to hear. But she didn’t have to like him, though she did! The bastard!

Pausing for a moment, she held her tongue, then calmly smiled, “if that’s what you want. What’s another barrage of prods and tests? How many hoops will there be before you truly accept it?”

Jack groaned, another attempt to flatter her, to sweet talk her, had back fired. She hated him all over again.

                “Erin, I’m not trying to catch you out, I just want to help, and I want to make sure you’re well. Is that so wrong?”

She shrugged, returning her gaze to the meal in front of her. “Can we just eat food and not argue?” She was suddenly weary.

She heard Jack sigh, “I don’t want us to argue at all Erin.”

The meal was awkward. Any mention of the baby brought around crosswords, yet not mentioning it meant the conversations were farcical. It was a no win situation. So Erin agreed to meet him two days later at the private clinic he’d chosen.

There were a few texts from him between the meal and then, but Erin was glad of some alone time, she was desperately trying to get her own head around being pregnant, she didn’t need the complication of defending herself at every opportunity to him.

Jack had emailed her details of the doctor he’d found, he confessed it was one that Danni and Scott had recommended, so after work on a Friday evening, she had to travel across town to the suburbia clinic. She was late, stressed and hot. It was one of the hottest days of the year and the air conditioning in her car didn’t work. By the time she burst into the cool modern reception she felt like hell. And there was the cool, calm Jack sat in a chair, legs crossed at the ankle, a glossy magazine loose in his hands.

Seeing her enter, he jumped to his feet, “you ok?”

Shrugging, she searched in her back for a tissue and mopped at her brow, “could be better!”

                “What is it? You look really hot and bothered!”

She laughed, “No shit! It’s the hottest day of the year, I should be sitting in my garden drinking lemonade, and instead I’m driving in traffic with no air conditioning!”

He groaned, “that car is a death trap. We’re buying a new one this weekend!”

This was Jack, buy it, throw money at it. But she couldn’t let him take away her independence. “My car works.”

He led her to the chairs, and sat her down beside him, “it’s fine, but you need to look after yourself. Whatever happens between us, YOU need a reliable vehicle to drive yourself around in. I won’t argue this point. It’ll be your car, in your name. NOTHING to do with me. But I do insist that you’re safe. You won’t move in with me, I can see that, but a new car...no brainer.”

He as so overpowering, in his ways, his actions, his presence. And here she was tying herself to him through a baby. She had no idea how she’d cope with that.

The doctor was a woman in her forties, and Erin instantly was at ease with her.

                “You’re blood pressure is a little high,” Dr Carter smiled at her, “rushing around?”

Before replying Erin felt her eyes dart to Jack who was sat beside her, but was now leaning forward, listening intently. Why did everything seem like more ammunition for his bullying tactics? “It’s not been the easiest journey getting here. And I’m a little stressed.”

Dr Carter herself glanced at Jack then grinned at Erin, “don’t let anything upset you, relax, and we’ll retest in a couple of days ok?”

Erin nodded, instantly feeling some sort of unity with the doctor, she seemed to have Jack’s number already, and that gave her some reassurance. If he wanted to demand this from her, it helped that she had some support and understanding from the doctor.

Jack was silent when the ultrasound was being performed, and for the first time Erin really felt for him, he was embracing this baby, and seemed equally ecstatic and stunned as the doctor explained the images in great detail. When his hand reached for hers it seemed the most natural thing to squeeze it back and smile at him.

The doctor gave Erin all her details and promised to be on hand if anything happened or she needed her. The beauty of money. With a bag filled with more leaflets, more advice and more samples, she made for the car park, Jack hot on her heels.

                “I’ll pick you up tomorrow, ten o’clock. We’ll go car shopping.”

With that he turned and made for his car.

               

                “Mixed messages!” Erin exclaimed to Michelle by phone later. “One minute he wants me to move in, buy me a car, the next he’s leaving me in the car park to drive home in the hunk of junk he condemned an hour earlier.”

 “Why don’t you tell him how you feel?”

Erin slumped back on the bed in a starfish position and laughed, “What that he’s taking over, that I want to kill him? That I’m dreading the next six months?”

Michelle sighed, “or maybe that you love him and you want to be more than the mother of his child.”

Erin’s responding laugh bordered on psychotic, “that’d be great! Rip myself open and let him walk all over me? Remember he was the one who found some blonde within days of us arguing, I’m not what he wants Michelle, and I’m not letting him hurt me.”

                “I think he likes you hell of a lot more than you give him credit for. I mean if he moves you in, then he can hardly behave like the tomcat you think he is, can he?”

It was a question that Erin didn’t want to answer, “I’m not moving in for convenience, what exactly would I be if I did that? Not the equal partner, I’d be the child bearing lodger! It’s a preposterous suggestion, and I’m not buying in to it!”

Never Again - 21

Chapter 21 - don't tell me what to do

So much for Danni giving her the time to explain! She looked at Jack, and could see the anger and pain on his face. Erin knew she’d caused that, and she’d been wrong not to call him at the earliest opportunity. How the hell did she explain this to him?

Jack was aware that he was snorting as he paced the small lounge of Erin’s tiny home. She was pale, nervous, and he tried to remember that she was more vulnerable than normal, that he shouldn’t start shouting and balling at her. But he was livid. He’d had a great game of golf with Scott, beating him by five strokes, euphoric he’d tailed Scott home with the intention of buying dinner for his two best mates, him and Danni.

He’d walked into the house and Danni had turned as white as a sheet, and he was instantly suspicious, she could barely meet his eye. When Scott went to check on the twins, he turned to her.

                “What’s up Dan? You can barely look at me. You’re hiding something.”

She tried to shrug it off, but Danni wasn’t a liar, it wasn’t in her nature, with a bit of pestering, she started to cave, “look this is isn’t my place...”

He raised an eyebrow, “it’s obviously something to do with me, so now it is your place. Spill Dan!”

For a moment he’d thought she was going to cry, then she took a deep breath, composed herself and said, “I saw Erin today.”

He sighed with relief, as great as it was to hear Erin’s name, to see the image of her conjure up in his mind, for a moment he’d thought she was going to give him really grave news. “Is that all? You had me worried! How was she? Looking well? I should’ve made more effort with her, I told you that!”

It was all they’d talked about when they’d spent five days in Dubai together, over every meal or chat by the pool, all conversations had turned back to how he had made wrong decisions when it came to her, both Danni and Scott were aware of how he felt about her.

                “You should call her.” Danni offered, once again her eyes unable to meet hers.

Suddenly Jack realised there was more to this meeting than met the eye, “why? Is she ill? You sound serious!”

Danni squirmed but at that exact moment Scott entered the room, “who's being serious? You Danielle?” As he laughed he picked up on the tension in the room, “what is it?” He looked between the two anxious himself. “Was your sister ok this afternoon? Is the baby ok?” He turned to Jack, “I told you Dan’s sister Isabelle is pregnant, she spent all afternoon in the broody clinic with her!”

Danni grimaced, “Yep, Isabelle’s fine, the baby’s fine.”

Jack looked at her; the pleasure at becoming an aunty was being outweighed by something else. Guilt! He gulped, “where did you see her Dan?”

Closing her eyes for a moment, she took a deep breath, “the hospital. I saw her in the hospital.”

Jack chose his words wisely, “is she ill?”

She shook her head, “she’s pregnant Jack, Erin was in antenatal clinic!”

Jack had felt the ground swirl under his feet, this was history repeating itself, and he had to fight the nausea, the hot flush threatening him. Looking between his friends, he could barely focus, but regardless he started for the door.

Scott’s arm tried to restrain him, “Jack, don’t run off. Just calm down mate.”

                “Calm down?” He boomed glad of the anger that took over from the fear, “the bitch! Have I got the words ‘Dinner Ticket’ tattooed on my forehead? I’ll kill her!”

                “Jack! Stop! Just for a minute!” Danni tried to put herself in front of him, stop him storming out, but whilst he’d never hurt her, he wasn’t about to listen.

                “Step aside Danni, don’t make this more than it is! I need to go and see the lying bitch!”

Brushing off Scott’s final attempts to detain him, he had burst out of the house and flown across town. And the journey had done nothing to dampen his anger, his anxiety, he’d never felt so mixed up.

Looking at Erin, her arms wrapped around her body, defensive, angry too, but he couldn’t feel any sympathy. He was too heated to work out what angered him more, the lasso tightening around his throat, or the fact that she hadn’t told him, that he’d found out from a third party.

                “I was going to tell you, I told Danni that. I was going to phone you tonight!” Her voice was quiet, controlled.

                “That’s only because you had too! If you hadn’t seen Danni! I should know NEVER to trust women! You’re all the same!” He had an uncontrollable need to get his pound of flesh. To make her feel as bad as he did.

                “I don’t have to put up with this Jack! You wonder why I was so nervous of phoning you? This! This is why! You’re so unreasonable!”

He laughed a harsh horrible sound, “Should’ve known it was MY fault! Isn’t it always?”

                “Stop being so childish!” She stood behind the sofa, putting a barrier between them. She wasn’t scared of him, he’d never hurt her, but she needed distance.

                “Childish? I find out from my friend’s wife that I’m about to be a father. She wasn’t keen on telling me, more bloody women’s solidarity, no one giving a shit about the mug man who will be fleeced until his dying day by yet another conniving woman!”

She sighed, “Make your mind up Reilly! You’re contradicting yourself! Are you more annoyed that I supposedly ‘tricked’ you into this, or the fact that I DIDN’T tell you? I mean how can I ‘fleece’ you for money if you don’t know?”

He snarled a response, too emotionally fraught to cope with the dilemma.

                “Do you think I planned this? Do you really?” He didn’t reply, so she added, “this has been a big shock to me too. It’s taking time to sink in, and I had every intention of telling you, I was just getting my head around it myself. If you think back, we were ALWAYS careful, or at least in my memory we were, but obviously something caught us out...”

                “Doesn’t it always? What is it with women...?”

                “GET OUT!” She screeched the calmness evaporating. “I’ve had enough of this. Come back when you want to be reasonable!”

That sarcastic laugh grated her nerves, but she fronted it out until he offered, “do you think that screeching like an alley cat is good for the baby?”

Her hands clenched into fists and she was so tempted to swing one up and knock him on the nose, but a mother on an assault charge was no way for a baby to start life.

                “Get out!” She hissed, trying to fuel her aggression, “come back when you’re not being a complete bastard. And for the record...you will NEVER know what is best for me, or this baby for that matter.”

This time his laugh was genuine, “you think? Do you think I’d leave you this upset? What do you take me for?”

Erin mustered every ounce of self respect that she contained in her body, and stood with her hands on her hips, “I ask for nothing from you Reilly, least of all your sympathy. I’m not a waif needing help, I’m an independent woman. So stop switching and swapping, decide what you want, then let me know. Weekend Dad is fine, and I won’t blame you if you don’t want to see either of us again. I don’t want money from you, this was never about that.” Suddenly tears fought to fall, and she blinked rapidly, cursing her raging hormones. “Please go.”

With that she turned away from him, trying desperately to hide the emotions that threatened tears that would ravage her cheeks.

Jack felt like the first class bastard she’d called him. As he watched Erin’s shoulders heave, her head drop, he immediately wanted to pull her into his arms and comfort her, he had no idea if things would work out for the best, but he had the desire to assure her that it would. He also knew that she’d snap; maybe hit him if he tried.

He sighed, he’d come here determined to get his pound of flesh, to hurt her. She was right; he didn’t know what he was angry about. He’d not imagined children, he didn’t think he could love someone unconditionally, he’d never imagined trying. But it was fact, that was here, she’d suggested walking, but he couldn’t do that, already he felt obligation, the thought of a child hating him the way he hated his father pained him. Erin had also been right about them being careful, he’d used LOTS of condoms in the days they’d been together, he couldn’t remember not using one, but then they’d be like dogs on heat most of the time. Shit happened, he’d run the risk for years what with him having slept with a lot of women with little regard for this sort of consequence.  He wanted to laugh, because if truth be known, Erin Bailey was the only woman he could even begin to imagine having a child with, not that it was a thought he’d had before an hour ago.

She was strong. He watched her shoulders rise and fall as she took deep breaths, wanting to beat her sorrow, then she lifted her chin and walked to the dining table. Lifting her bag, she dug around for the envelope from the ultrasound scanner.

                “This is...our baby.” She almost choked on the words, and suddenly it all seemed so surreal to Jack. Then he saw what looked like a kidney bean, a heartbeat, the hint of limbs, a head. And he felt fear like he’d never fdelt before...and excitement.

                “Really?” he breathed. “That’s amazing.”

Erin could feel some of the fear and anxiery leave her in waves as she saw the tension in Jack’s shoulders reduce, he deflated like a balloon, flopping onto the sofa.

                “That’s how I feel.” She offered. “It’s been a shock. I’ve always wanted children...but I didn’t plan this...this isn’t how I wanted it to be!”

Jack knew he needed to backpedal, he’d been so bad to her, “I’m not THAT bad a prospect am I?”

Her response, a chuckle, was the best sound he’s heard in ages, “If you ordered the perfect father from a catalogue you’d tick every box, good looking, successful, athletic, you’re no Stephen Hawking, but you’re not intellectually impaired. I mean you SHOULD be perfect, doesn’t quite transfer to the flesh, but you’ve got good jeans. What I meant was, I’ve been married, supposedly happy, that was when I expected to start a family, not a few months after starting all over again. When I’m trying to climb up from rock bottom.”

Jack smiled, “well, you’re not rock bottom any more, we’ll go to mine tonight, the three of us,” he grinned at Barney, “we can get your stuff tomorrow...I can get movers or...”

                “Whoa!” Erin stopped him by raising her hand. “I’m having your baby Reilly, that’s something neither of us is going to change, but you don’t own me, and I’m not some charity case that needs your help. THIS is my home, yours was too sacred for me to visit when we had some sort of fledgling relationship, why should it be any different now?”

Jack’s  smile faded suddenly, the images of a happy life for the three of them suddenly disappearing in a puff of smoke. This wasn’t going to be as easy as he’d imagined.