Never Again - 21

Chapter 21 - don't tell me what to do

So much for Danni giving her the time to explain! She looked at Jack, and could see the anger and pain on his face. Erin knew she’d caused that, and she’d been wrong not to call him at the earliest opportunity. How the hell did she explain this to him?

Jack was aware that he was snorting as he paced the small lounge of Erin’s tiny home. She was pale, nervous, and he tried to remember that she was more vulnerable than normal, that he shouldn’t start shouting and balling at her. But he was livid. He’d had a great game of golf with Scott, beating him by five strokes, euphoric he’d tailed Scott home with the intention of buying dinner for his two best mates, him and Danni.

He’d walked into the house and Danni had turned as white as a sheet, and he was instantly suspicious, she could barely meet his eye. When Scott went to check on the twins, he turned to her.

                “What’s up Dan? You can barely look at me. You’re hiding something.”

She tried to shrug it off, but Danni wasn’t a liar, it wasn’t in her nature, with a bit of pestering, she started to cave, “look this is isn’t my place...”

He raised an eyebrow, “it’s obviously something to do with me, so now it is your place. Spill Dan!”

For a moment he’d thought she was going to cry, then she took a deep breath, composed herself and said, “I saw Erin today.”

He sighed with relief, as great as it was to hear Erin’s name, to see the image of her conjure up in his mind, for a moment he’d thought she was going to give him really grave news. “Is that all? You had me worried! How was she? Looking well? I should’ve made more effort with her, I told you that!”

It was all they’d talked about when they’d spent five days in Dubai together, over every meal or chat by the pool, all conversations had turned back to how he had made wrong decisions when it came to her, both Danni and Scott were aware of how he felt about her.

                “You should call her.” Danni offered, once again her eyes unable to meet hers.

Suddenly Jack realised there was more to this meeting than met the eye, “why? Is she ill? You sound serious!”

Danni squirmed but at that exact moment Scott entered the room, “who's being serious? You Danielle?” As he laughed he picked up on the tension in the room, “what is it?” He looked between the two anxious himself. “Was your sister ok this afternoon? Is the baby ok?” He turned to Jack, “I told you Dan’s sister Isabelle is pregnant, she spent all afternoon in the broody clinic with her!”

Danni grimaced, “Yep, Isabelle’s fine, the baby’s fine.”

Jack looked at her; the pleasure at becoming an aunty was being outweighed by something else. Guilt! He gulped, “where did you see her Dan?”

Closing her eyes for a moment, she took a deep breath, “the hospital. I saw her in the hospital.”

Jack chose his words wisely, “is she ill?”

She shook her head, “she’s pregnant Jack, Erin was in antenatal clinic!”

Jack had felt the ground swirl under his feet, this was history repeating itself, and he had to fight the nausea, the hot flush threatening him. Looking between his friends, he could barely focus, but regardless he started for the door.

Scott’s arm tried to restrain him, “Jack, don’t run off. Just calm down mate.”

                “Calm down?” He boomed glad of the anger that took over from the fear, “the bitch! Have I got the words ‘Dinner Ticket’ tattooed on my forehead? I’ll kill her!”

                “Jack! Stop! Just for a minute!” Danni tried to put herself in front of him, stop him storming out, but whilst he’d never hurt her, he wasn’t about to listen.

                “Step aside Danni, don’t make this more than it is! I need to go and see the lying bitch!”

Brushing off Scott’s final attempts to detain him, he had burst out of the house and flown across town. And the journey had done nothing to dampen his anger, his anxiety, he’d never felt so mixed up.

Looking at Erin, her arms wrapped around her body, defensive, angry too, but he couldn’t feel any sympathy. He was too heated to work out what angered him more, the lasso tightening around his throat, or the fact that she hadn’t told him, that he’d found out from a third party.

                “I was going to tell you, I told Danni that. I was going to phone you tonight!” Her voice was quiet, controlled.

                “That’s only because you had too! If you hadn’t seen Danni! I should know NEVER to trust women! You’re all the same!” He had an uncontrollable need to get his pound of flesh. To make her feel as bad as he did.

                “I don’t have to put up with this Jack! You wonder why I was so nervous of phoning you? This! This is why! You’re so unreasonable!”

He laughed a harsh horrible sound, “Should’ve known it was MY fault! Isn’t it always?”

                “Stop being so childish!” She stood behind the sofa, putting a barrier between them. She wasn’t scared of him, he’d never hurt her, but she needed distance.

                “Childish? I find out from my friend’s wife that I’m about to be a father. She wasn’t keen on telling me, more bloody women’s solidarity, no one giving a shit about the mug man who will be fleeced until his dying day by yet another conniving woman!”

She sighed, “Make your mind up Reilly! You’re contradicting yourself! Are you more annoyed that I supposedly ‘tricked’ you into this, or the fact that I DIDN’T tell you? I mean how can I ‘fleece’ you for money if you don’t know?”

He snarled a response, too emotionally fraught to cope with the dilemma.

                “Do you think I planned this? Do you really?” He didn’t reply, so she added, “this has been a big shock to me too. It’s taking time to sink in, and I had every intention of telling you, I was just getting my head around it myself. If you think back, we were ALWAYS careful, or at least in my memory we were, but obviously something caught us out...”

                “Doesn’t it always? What is it with women...?”

                “GET OUT!” She screeched the calmness evaporating. “I’ve had enough of this. Come back when you want to be reasonable!”

That sarcastic laugh grated her nerves, but she fronted it out until he offered, “do you think that screeching like an alley cat is good for the baby?”

Her hands clenched into fists and she was so tempted to swing one up and knock him on the nose, but a mother on an assault charge was no way for a baby to start life.

                “Get out!” She hissed, trying to fuel her aggression, “come back when you’re not being a complete bastard. And for the record...you will NEVER know what is best for me, or this baby for that matter.”

This time his laugh was genuine, “you think? Do you think I’d leave you this upset? What do you take me for?”

Erin mustered every ounce of self respect that she contained in her body, and stood with her hands on her hips, “I ask for nothing from you Reilly, least of all your sympathy. I’m not a waif needing help, I’m an independent woman. So stop switching and swapping, decide what you want, then let me know. Weekend Dad is fine, and I won’t blame you if you don’t want to see either of us again. I don’t want money from you, this was never about that.” Suddenly tears fought to fall, and she blinked rapidly, cursing her raging hormones. “Please go.”

With that she turned away from him, trying desperately to hide the emotions that threatened tears that would ravage her cheeks.

Jack felt like the first class bastard she’d called him. As he watched Erin’s shoulders heave, her head drop, he immediately wanted to pull her into his arms and comfort her, he had no idea if things would work out for the best, but he had the desire to assure her that it would. He also knew that she’d snap; maybe hit him if he tried.

He sighed, he’d come here determined to get his pound of flesh, to hurt her. She was right; he didn’t know what he was angry about. He’d not imagined children, he didn’t think he could love someone unconditionally, he’d never imagined trying. But it was fact, that was here, she’d suggested walking, but he couldn’t do that, already he felt obligation, the thought of a child hating him the way he hated his father pained him. Erin had also been right about them being careful, he’d used LOTS of condoms in the days they’d been together, he couldn’t remember not using one, but then they’d be like dogs on heat most of the time. Shit happened, he’d run the risk for years what with him having slept with a lot of women with little regard for this sort of consequence.  He wanted to laugh, because if truth be known, Erin Bailey was the only woman he could even begin to imagine having a child with, not that it was a thought he’d had before an hour ago.

She was strong. He watched her shoulders rise and fall as she took deep breaths, wanting to beat her sorrow, then she lifted her chin and walked to the dining table. Lifting her bag, she dug around for the envelope from the ultrasound scanner.

                “This is...our baby.” She almost choked on the words, and suddenly it all seemed so surreal to Jack. Then he saw what looked like a kidney bean, a heartbeat, the hint of limbs, a head. And he felt fear like he’d never fdelt before...and excitement.

                “Really?” he breathed. “That’s amazing.”

Erin could feel some of the fear and anxiery leave her in waves as she saw the tension in Jack’s shoulders reduce, he deflated like a balloon, flopping onto the sofa.

                “That’s how I feel.” She offered. “It’s been a shock. I’ve always wanted children...but I didn’t plan this...this isn’t how I wanted it to be!”

Jack knew he needed to backpedal, he’d been so bad to her, “I’m not THAT bad a prospect am I?”

Her response, a chuckle, was the best sound he’s heard in ages, “If you ordered the perfect father from a catalogue you’d tick every box, good looking, successful, athletic, you’re no Stephen Hawking, but you’re not intellectually impaired. I mean you SHOULD be perfect, doesn’t quite transfer to the flesh, but you’ve got good jeans. What I meant was, I’ve been married, supposedly happy, that was when I expected to start a family, not a few months after starting all over again. When I’m trying to climb up from rock bottom.”

Jack smiled, “well, you’re not rock bottom any more, we’ll go to mine tonight, the three of us,” he grinned at Barney, “we can get your stuff tomorrow...I can get movers or...”

                “Whoa!” Erin stopped him by raising her hand. “I’m having your baby Reilly, that’s something neither of us is going to change, but you don’t own me, and I’m not some charity case that needs your help. THIS is my home, yours was too sacred for me to visit when we had some sort of fledgling relationship, why should it be any different now?”

Jack’s  smile faded suddenly, the images of a happy life for the three of them suddenly disappearing in a puff of smoke. This wasn’t going to be as easy as he’d imagined.