Never Again - 20

Chapter 20 - facing up to the truth

Erin sat in the car and took a deep breath, the building to her right causing her to almost hyperventilate. Michelle had offered to come with her during one of the many late night conflabs over the kitchen table. Dave diplomatically was absent, the gym or work ‘calling him away’ from the girls talk. But both women were happier with that decision,  it allowed the conversations to battle late into the night.

Erin flinched as she looked right at the words ‘Antenatal Clinic’. Since that day in the south of the France when she’d saw the red ring circling a date weeks earlier that should have heralded the start of her last period...and didn’t, she’d been facing the unbelievable fact that she was pregnant. The blue line of the test was further proof, but once she stepped into that building it would become real. She couldn’t pretend that this was all a dream once the doctor had told her for definite.

                “What are you going to do?” Michelle had asked when she’d turned up on her doorstep straight from the airport.

Erin had taken a deep breath before she revealed more to her friend than she’d felt able to months ago, “I was desperate for a baby...with Max it’s all I’ve ever wanted,” she looked up and smiled at her friend’s shocked face, “it was the final straw, not the affair, the gambling, but that after more than a year of asking, he still refused to think about us having a child. I had decided to end things with him before all the rest of the shit. It’s a godsend now after all that’s happened, that I’m not tied to him, but I wanted a baby more than anything...still do.”

                “And Jack is hardly a disappointment in the father department!” Michelle sounded so cynical, and whilst she knew that her friend was nothing short of supportive, she knew that the doubt in her voice only reflected the fear and anxiety that Erin had felt all the way home from France.  Her anticipation of Jack’s reaction to impending and very unexpected fatherhood.

Erin hung her head, she knew immediately what people would think, that she’d planned this, that it was premeditated, but it really wasn’t. She couldn’t think when it had happened, they’d been careful...but it had happened, the blue line on the test confirmed it.  But she was shocked, admittedly pleased, the timing was dreadful, but the thought of having a baby, even alone as a single parent was an encouraging thought, nevertheless it was the last thing that she’d imagined happening to her.

                “I didn’t plan this Michelle, I’m not out to ensnare a rich man! I’ll do this alone with no help from him if that’s what I have to do.”

Michelle gasped amazed at the desperation and self deprecation in her voice, “Erin, I NEVER even imagined that, not for a second. You’re my best friend, I know you, and I know you’d not do that.”

Erin smiled half-heartedly, “I know that, and I think that he’ll be a brilliant father figure, and whatever you think I believe he’ll loves you saying that, I fear for you. What the hell will he say?”

As she sat in the car park still trying to face up to the reality of an antenatal appointment, Erin was still pondering that idea - what Jack would say when she told him. But she knew that regardless of her fears, she would tell him, there was no doubt about that...she just wasn’t sure when.

Michelle tried to assure her that Jack was a good man, that he’d not see things that way, but Erin wasn’t so sure. He was damaged emotionally, he didn’t see his family from one year to the next, had not had a decent length relationship...according to intensive searches on Google; he was suspicious, anxious, and would probably accuse her of untold crimes. He’d think the worst; she knew that and the thought of his anger filled her with dread. But he couldn’t change what was happening, and despite it all she had to tell him.

He needed to know.

Taking a deep breath, the twelfth steadying breath at least, Erin opened the car door.

The inside of the clinic wasn’t as offensive as she’d imagined, and once she started to talk to doctors, nurses and eventually the radiographer who performed her ultrasound, she was as happy and excited as every other newly pregnant woman in the clinic. She was the only one there alone, even the young obviously single mothers had their own mother or a friend with them, and she did feel a little vulnerable. Michelle had offered to take time off to drive to Manchester to be there for her, but she assured her that she was fine.

Now as she sat, a due date for early in the New Year already pencilled into her medical notes, she wished her mother was there. She’d not told her parents. Didn’t know how to. She had to work things out with Jack first, then once she knew how involved or not he planned on being, she could tell them. Her father would flip; she might be in her thirties, but a baby, by someone like Jack. She cringed; he’d definitely have to get over his aversion to ‘spoilt’ football players.

Her last appointment was to see the consultant obstetrician, he would have the final say as to how, where, and when her baby was born. But there was a delay as he’d been called up to an urgent delivery, so Erin sat in the waiting room smiling down at the little bean that was her baby projected onto the printed scan in her hand. All that had seemed a headache earlier in time was now a marvel, a miracle, and the gift she’d spent a long time waiting for. Her excitement was unbounded, the flickering heart beat, the budding limbs and the early baby shape, this was HER baby, and regardless of Jack’s reaction she was having it. She expected nothing from him, though she would never stop him from being involved, but there was the realisation that suddenly she had all she needed.

Hearing giggling, Erin looked up, and half smiled at the two women emerging from the ultrasound room in front of her, both laughing in an affectionate way as they pointed at the ultrasound image in one of their hand’s. Then she froze.  Her smile disappeared and Erin hit the point of panicking. The woman on the left glanced up and her face broke into a smile of friendly recognition, it was a momentary lapse before awkwardness and realisation set in. Danni Millward, Scott’s wife, and great friend of Jack Reilly was stood smiling at her with apprehension. And what other conclusion could the woman make?

Talking quietly to her friend, Danni smiled as the owner of the scan nodded and then moved away, leaving the two women to face each other awkwardly.

Eventually Danni walked across to her, glanced pointedly at the ‘Welcome New Mother’ introduction pack placed on her knees before meeting Erin’s eyes cautiously, “congratulations! I presume.”

Erin sighed, this was more awkward than she’d ever imagined, but she wasn’t ashamed, this was the best thing that had happened to her, and no one of nothing could change that. “Thanks, and yes this is definitely a good thing!”

Danni nodded knowingly, “have you told him?”

She shook her head, “I’ve only just found out, I will though.” At the raised eyebrow to that reply, Erin added, “look despite what you might think of me this wasn’t planned. I’d appreciate the opportunity to speak to him, before you do.”

                “Look Erin, I don’t have an opinion on you, other than I thought you were a great choice for Jack when I met you. But this isn’t the first time someone’s tried to land this at his door, you can’t blame him for being suspicious of women...Tina,” she spat out the name, “was scum, but as usual he couldn’t see that.” Danni shook her head and focussed again, “I don’t know what happened between you two, but you really need to speak to him, if you don’t I will.”

Erin nodded, “like I say, I will tell him, I have every intention, this is not me trying to trap him Danni, I know he doesn’t want me, and I’m not interested in his money. I just know he deserves the chance to decide what happens.”

If Danni was surprised at Erin’s words she hid it well. “You’re right, he does. He’s a good man, and he needs the chance to do the right thing. If I see him I will tell him, the pressure’s on you, as much as I like you, my loyalty is to him.”

Nodding Erin tried to smile, and failed, “I wouldn’t expect anything less.”

The two women parted awkwardly but with a mutual understanding.

As Erin drove home she relived the conversation with Danni...Erin knew the other was right, after dinner she had to phone Jack, she had to tell him today, there were no more excuses. And who was Tina? She’d not heard anything about her before, and the name puzzled her.

Barney was pleased to see her, and despite her earlier promise to call him, she walked the dog to the nearby park, letting him run. The fresh air and sunshine made her feel a million times better. In less than thirty weeks she’d be a mother, it was a feeling she never thought she’d experience, she was scared of telling Jack; that was the truth of it, she was scared of his reaction and his anger bursting the bubble that she was happily floating around in.

At least there was a reason for her extreme fatigue, she’d been shattered the last few weeks, and now she knew why, that was her only thought as she opened her holiday suitcase and started on the washing. She was due back to work in two days, and despite all the hassles of late, she’d had a refreshing time, she was ready to go back to work.

She was deliberating on what to eat; she was trying to make the effort to be healthy now when there was a rap at the door. Her upstairs neighbour had left a message earlier to say he’d taken in a parcel for her whilst she’d been away, she couldn’t imagine what it was, she didn’t remember ordering anything. So with an excited skip in her step, she made for the door.

Swinging open the door she grinned as she looked outside, and then for the second time that day she froze, but this time her heart felt as though it had stopped and her legs were threatening to fail her. There stood on the doorstep, eyes blazing, mouth pulled into an angry snarl, was Jack. If it was possible to see steam bursting out of his ears, then he was angry enough for that.

                “What the fuck are you playing at Erin?” He asked bursting in, “were you ever going to tell me?”