Trying Not to Love You - Part Twenty Nine

Chapter Twenty Nine

Martha had never experienced panic like that very moment. She’d always feared her two worlds colliding, and had no idea how she’d manage it, but nothing had prepared her for the fact that it would be Sonny that caused it to happen. She tried to read his eyes, his expression but he was like a stone wall. Suddenly it all seemed so sordid, so dirty, and she hated that. Ethan wasn’t something she was embarrassed about; she'd kept him as a secret to protect him, that was all. She had to make him see that.

                “What are you doing here?”

He shrugged, “so THIS is Ethan?” he half asked, though it wasn’t a question.

In that moment she realised she must have slipped up, mentioned him the night before, it was even worse than she’d imagined. She didn’t regret the way she had managed things, she hated it, but everything she did was for the best, she had to believe that. She want’ sure that anyone else would understand or agree. But it was a risk she’d taken. Of course he’d follow her, he wasn’t one to leave stones unturned, he would want to know everything. He’d obviously followed her, and she was angry at that, a bit, but then this moment was always inevitable, and she was relieved that she didn’t have to lie anymore. But he was glowering at her, angry, impatient, and she knew she only had a quick moment to tell him her side of things.

She opened her mouth to speak, then suddenly realised that Ethan had disappeared.

                “Shit!” Glancing left to right, she could just make out the yellow of an ice cream van in the distance through some trees. “Got to find him.” She offered at Sonny before sprinting in the direction that she’d last seen Ethan travel in.

She was overtaken by Sonny who was obviously faster than her, and when she rounded the corner it was to see Sonny down on one knee talking to Ethan. Ethan was crying, he’d never been that far from her when they were out like this, he must have scared himself. He’d scared her, this was such a big place, and who knew what or who was around the next corner. Since becoming a mother, losing Ethan was her most terrifying nightmare.

Stopping a few feet away, she bent down to catch the little man as he hurtled at her, “sorry Mum. I ran too fast.”

She smiled stroking his hair, trying to hide her shaking hand, “you did. You know you must always be able to see me when we’re out of the house.”

He nodded, biting his bottom lip, tears still in his eyes.

                “Do you want that ice cream little man?”

They both looked up at Sonny who stood watching them, his emotions hidden, a friendly smile on his lips.

                “Would you darling? This man is Mummy’s friend, say hello to Sonny.” Ethan looked up with a guarded expression, and Sonny smiled at him.

                “Pleased to meet you, you must be Ethan.” The little boy nodded then smiled as Sonny extended a hand which he enthusiastically shook. “So you want that ice cream?”

After a glance at his mother who gave a reassuring smile, he nodded enthusiastically, then when Sonny extended a hand, he took it and started to explain just what ice cream he wanted as they walked towards the van.

As Ethan reappeared with a fully loaded ice cream, a grin on his face, they walked to a bench and the three sat down, Ethan between the two adults.

                “I need to explain...”

Sonny looked up hearing her voice and shook his head, “not now.”

As the two males talked about everything, Martha felt almost left out for a moment, she hated that Sonny had no male influence in his life, not that she wanted his father involved, but as she watched Ethan’s face light up as he talked to Sonny about football and cars, she felt pain in the realisation that she wasn’t enough for him, despite her best attempts, she couldn’t be everything to him.

It was a while until she realised Sonny was shivering, but then he had on a Harrington jacket, a t-shirt and a pair of jeans and today was not a warm November day.

                “You look freezing cold,” she offered.

He looked up and shrugged, “last two winters I’ve not needed a coat, bit of an oversight. But then didn’t expect to sit on a bench for over an hour.” His teeth were starting to chatter.

In that moment he was as vulnerable and powerless as Ethan, and her maternal instinct kicked in, they had a hell of a lot to talk about, and she knew Sonny wouldn’t pull his punches, but she didn’t want him being ill through exposure on her conscience.

                “Shall we show Sonny your new remote control car?” She offered and when he nodded, all three stood and made their way back to Stephanie’s town house.

Martha’s home was a self contained basement flat within Stephanie’s house, when she wasn’t there, Ethan spent most of his time upstairs with her godmother, but as Stephanie was out, they were happy to go back to their cosy home. She’d spent every spare penny decorating it and to her it was comfortable, and homely...and full of toys.

                “I’ll put the heating on,” she offered as she opened the door and made straight for the kitchen to turn on the coffee machine.

Sonny was stood in the lounge looking at the little snippet of Martha’s life, all that he knew about her was wrong and he didn’t know how that made him feel. He loved her, he’d never felt so protective, so devoted to anyone in his life before. But that was all a lie, it was all lies, and that tore a pain right through him. But more than that, it was the realisation that she’d lied to her father, to her friends, and probably even to that darling little boy.  He was finding it hard to process everything, and he was glad of the enthusiastic chatter of Ethan to break up the silence. He’d never had a lot of toys growing up, his mother wasn’t that sort of woman, and then in the children’s home, well what wasn’t broken was stolen.

Ethan had disappeared into his bedroom again to retrieve something he called is ‘Sleep Dog’, and Martha took the moment to address Sonny, “I won’t apologise for keeping him secret.”

His laugh was ironic, “didn’t expect you to.”

                “You’re angry with me.”

He laughed again, “more than you could ever realise.”

She gulped at that, suddenly dreading Ethan going to bed. When she’d arrived earlier she’d wanted to spend every waking hour with her little boy, now Sonny was thrown into that mix and it was so difficult.

He sat there watching everything, not commenting, just watching. And Ethan loved him; they spent two hours playing with a Scalextric set, racing each other. Martha wanted to cry, and as she made them both dinner, pizzas, Ethan’s favourite, her heart was well and truly in her mouth.

After a bath, Ethan demanded a story from Sonny; the man was bemused but read The Red Chuffing Engine nervously, as Ethan climbed onto his lap and listened intently. It tore her up to see them together, no awkwardness between them. Whether he knew it or not, Sonny was someone who kids loved, she’d seen it before. He didn’t fuss, didn’t talk down to Ethan, and her son loved him for that.

Whilst it was difficult, this was far better than the confrontation that she knew was coming.. And as much as she wanted to put it off, not have to explain herself to him, time was ticking on, and all too soon she couldn’t deny Ethan’s bedtime any longer.

“Come on Sleepy head. Time for bed!”

“Oh MUM!” He looked up from his place beside Sonny on the sofa. “I don’t want to.”

She held out a hand, “come on cherub.”

It was then he started to cry, and when she scooped him up in her arms he buried his face in her neck sobbing, “you’re never here when I wake up!”

“I’ll be here tomorrow; I told you that, I’m staying until tomorrow night, ok?”
She stroked his hair as she carried him into his bedroom, then lay beside him for a few minutes, he was exhausted and it didn’t take long for him to drift off.  Leaving the room she hid in the bathroom for a few moments, she was on the verge of tears, Ethan’s sadness had distressed her more than she anticipated.  She still had to face Sonny.

When she re entered the lounge Sonny was pacing, this was what she’d avoided all day, the confrontation. 

                “I’m sorry...” she started hating that her voice was quaking, but if she expected sympathy or understanding, she was wrong, instead he turned on her with fury in his eyes.

                “Sorry? You’re apologising to me?” he slammed his hand against his thigh in anger. “There are so many things you should be sorry for, but I’m nowhere being important on that list. I did think we were friends, and I hate that everything we’ve ever shared has been a lie, but that’s my tough luck, I just need to get over it. There’s a reason why I don’t trust people, you just snuck under my defences. And I will get over it. But that kid...” he rolled his eyes in the air, then stared at her again, “that little boy was terrified going to bed because he thought you’d be gone when he woke up.”

He wanted to pace but he had to keep watching her, desperate to see her reaction, hoping for honesty, “for six months you’ve been back at the farm, ninety percent of your time. And all the while you had a son, here, missing you EVERY day.”

Sighing he wiped a hand over his face, “I mean I wondered why you rushed back to London so much, but it was never enough. Poor Ethan! You have abandoned him, left him alone, probably crying himself to sleep EVERY night because the person who is supposed to protect him isn’t there. All that just to spend this time with your father?”

She nodded, “and I’d do it that way again. My father needed me.”

                “YOUR SON NEEDED YOU!” He didn’t want to shout, but she was being so stupid over all this. “Your father is a grown man, so his business may have struggled, but really...” His head snapped up and he stared at her, “he doesn’t even know, that he’s a grandfather?”

She shook her head, “it was easier that way.”

Now he had to pace, every cell in his body was ready to explode, “you’re embarrassed...of Ethan?”

Moving to stand in front of him, she stopped his constant moving, “of course not. He’s the greatest thing that has happened to me, and he’s the best child I could have hoped for.”

                “Then you don’t trust your Dad? Or you Aunt?”

                “Of course not!” She stepped up to him, wanting to push him out of her home.

                “So why is he your sordid little secret then? Why doesn’t he come with you, what possible reason could there be for making your son feel like an unloved second class citizen?”

Tears of frustration threatened at her eyes and she blinked furiously, “that’s YOU Carter, don’t compare him to YOU, how you feel, what you’ve been through. This is different. He stays here with my godmother, he’s safe, he’s loved.”

                “HOW DO YOU KNOW?” He took a deep breath again calming himself, “he was distraught just now, and yeah, I DO know how that feels, and there’s no way on this earth that you can ever make me understand how you could willingly traumatise him like that. And poor bloody Carl. He will be devastated...”

                “You can’t tell him!” She grabbed his arm. “You seem to think that this is easy for me, it’s not. It’s hard. REALLY hard.”

                “So take him back with you tomorrow.”

She shook her head, “I can’t.”

Sonny couldn’t fathom her, couldn’t make any sense of this, “It’s hard, but you can change it.”

                “I’m scared ok.”

He stared at her, and he could see that more than her anxiety and pain that his words were causing, there was fear in her eyes too. “Scared?”

She nodded, “Scott...he’s Ethan’s father.”

Sonny felt as though he’d had a bazooka to the stomach; it had been hard enough to ignore the thought of Oldbury touching her being close to her, but to think that Ethan was his child. He staggered a little then lowered himself to the sofa. Of course her son was his, she wasn’t a loose woman, he guessed the boy was four, maybe more, she’d been gone five years. It all made sense.

                “He can’t hurt him,” he offered.

She laughed at that and he hated the harshness of the sound, that she as so cynical, “like Scott Oldbury plays by the rules. Who knows what he would do? I don’t. He may hate Ethan, not care about him, but to be honest, the only reason Scott is angry at me, why he constantly wants revenge is that I left him, I was the one who walked away. So you think the fact that I kept Ethan from him will not affect him? Do you think us turning up would have no effect? Cos I KNOW him Carter, I saw what he did...” she shook her head blocking out the images that she saw whenever she closed her eyes. “He doesn’t care about anyone, he has no consequence and there’s no one who could stop him stealing my baby, and that’s what he is MINE, the trauma that I went through to have him...well it’s MY pain, MY body and he’s MY life.”

He had never seen her so emotionally raw, so strained, but he couldn’t let up.  “But there are other ways, there are always other options. You’re right I am remembering my childhood, and it was hell. NO one deserves that, every tear that boy cries for you is a tear too many and there’s no way you can make me think differently. Between us we can keep him quiet, off the radar.”

                “It would be impossible,” she was getting more and more distressed, he should stop pushing her, but his own anger was threatening to spill over. “He'd find out, then he would take him, this way I don’t see him much for a few months, but your way I might lose him forever. You’re a betting man Carter, you must understand that these were the most workable odds.”

He shook his head, “I can’t believe that. And the man isn’t the bloody legend you seem to think he is, he’s a middle aged idiot, he’s not got half the power you think he has. I mean if he takes Ethan where’s he going to go? His life is dominated by his businesses, he’s tied financially and geographically. He can’t go far.” She shook her head and had started to shake, this was beyond rational fear for her son’s future, this was REAL fear.

                “What are you so scared of Martha? Why are you allowing him to do this to you? You broke the engagement with him, that was the end.”

She shook her head, “it wasn’t the end was it, because look at me now living like this, he’ll ALWAYS have power over me, but as long as he doesn’t know about Ethan he can’t hurt me. And I will do ANYTHING in my power to prevent that.”

“I won’t let him hurt you!”

“You and him hate each other, if you’re around his son he’d DEFINITELY take him, can’t you see that.”

Sonny stood again, his life, the rejection he’d faced at so many points made him hate this situation, he couldn’t and wouldn’t understand her choices, her reasons. And the whole thing was smothering him. He lived a tight equilibrium where he managed to keep the demons of his past away, if he carried on, pursued this argument he’d open a whole can of worms that he wasn’t ready to deal with.

He gripped each of her upper arms, forced her to look at him, “I can’t do this Martha, I’m sorry but I can’t pretend that I understand, because I can’t. You severed ties years ago, yet you’re succumbing to him without him even knowing about it. I think you’re wrong, I think Ethan deserves better. I have to go, I need fresh air.” reaching for his coat he made for the door.

                “Deserves better? Does he deserve to know that after I called off our engagement Scott found me?” Sonny immediately saw the pain and the turmoil in her eyes. As he stared she started to cry, “does he deserve to know that he beat me within an inch of my life?”

Sonny felt real physical pain as she sobbed the words, “does he need to know that he raped me? Do you think Ethan needs to know that he is the product of that night? I have spent MY LIFE protecting him, I’ve isolated us from everyone who loves us purely to keep him safe, so don’t you DARE tell me I don’t put him first.”