Never Again - 31

Chapter 31 - time to heal

Jack felt as though he’d been sat waiting for something to happen for days, in reality it was less than twenty four hours. No one seemed concerned that as yet Erin still hadn’t opened her eyes. Her parents had looked exhausted, and after they’d seen her, spoken to the doctors, he gave Peter directions and a key to his home. Whilst they were reluctant to leave, Peter convinced them that they needed some rest, something to eat, then they could relieve Jack later.

They’d bought that, not that he had any intention of leaving her, he’d deal with that lie when he was forced to. But hours later he had presumed she’d wake, or there’d be some positive sign. The doctors and nurses couldn’t give him anymore information other than that she was going in the right direction.

So he sat and waited. It gave him time to think, and re-evaluate everything in his life. For years he’d had things just the way he’d wanted. He was successful, wealthy, and to everyone appeared happy. But now he knew how false that had become. He’d filled his life with instant gratification, he wanted for nothing, but ironically, as he saw here bereft of the baby he’d more than been excited about, Erin’s life in the balance, he realised that the one thing he hadn’t had was someone to share things with, and he now knew he’d found it in her. She’d been distant since she’d moved in, but then she’d been so reluctant to give up her independence, and he’d been so uncaring of that, railroading her into his life, his home.

He hung his head, her lifeless hand still clasped in hers, “if I could turn back the clock I would darling. I’ve been so awful to you...give me the chance to make up for it? Hey?”

It wasn’t the best compromise he’d ever made but it was wholehearted, he wished it was him lying there instead of her, but it wasn’t and he could only be there for when she needed him, prove in that way that he was worth it.

Erin was sore, every part of her ached, especially her head, and her eyes felt as though they were being held closed by ton weights. Voices wafted through the cotton wool that seemed to have replaced her brain.

                “He fell asleep in the waiting room...finally. He’s not left her side since she came here.”

Another voice sighed, “That’s so romantic! I’d love it if any man would do that for me...let alone a man like him!”

Erin wanted to roll her head, deny that it was romantic, fight this sentiment, but she couldn’t move. She couldn’t work out where she was, or what was happening. Her last thought was being at Jack’s, watching TV, he was staying out late, she was tired, and her back was sore.

Suddenly she felt like she was suffocating, she needed to move, to breathe. Using all her energy she tried to move her arms, then with a grunt felt relief when she managed to lift the right one up to her face.

                “Hey Erin?” a voice called to her and she could feel someone move close to her.

Fighting again she managed to peel open an eye and groan, it was so bright.

                “Do you know where you are?”

Her eye had closed again, and she was bewildered, managing a very faint shake of the head.

                “My name is Marie; I’m the nurse looking after you. You came to the University Hospital late last night.”

The voice was soft, kind, but the words sounded like a foreign language, hospital? Suddenly she remembered waking in that huge bed, pain, blood...

She wanted to scream, her eyes opened, but she could do little more than croak.

                “You’ve had us all worried,” Marie offered, “let me get a doctor to check you out, then hopefully we can get you a drink.”

Erin’s terror, fear started to ebb away as fatigue once again washed over her. She wanted to sleep and not wake up.

After what felt like hours but could just as easily have been minutes, she heard Jack and she wanted to cry.

                “Hey Erin. You ok? Don’t tell me you fall back asleep as soon as I arrive...I left your side for half an hour!”

Lethargically she opened her eyes and tried to focus on his face. It lit up into a smile at the sight of her open eyes, but it was the exhaustion, the black bags under his eyes, the haunted, painful look that scared her all over again.

                “Baby?” she breathed trying to moisten her lips with an equally dry tongue, her eyes never leaving his. She saw the pain flicker, the hint of a tear and she couldn’t contemplate what he was hinting at, but what she already knew. When she’d gone to bed the baby had been somersaulting, kicking lumps out of her insides, but lying there she felt nothing. She knew, but she prayed that he’d smile, tell her that everything was ok.

But he didn’t.

                “Sorry Erin, there was nothing anyone could do...”

The wail that met his words chilled the heart of everyone in the vicinity.

Jack punched a wall, despite splitting a knuckle, warm blood oozing onto his fingers; the pain did nothing to replace the pain of the last thirty six hours.  Why was life so unfair? Every time he looked at Erin, devastated, broken Erin, his heard broke all over again. That baby meant everything to her, and now she was fighting with the guilt, the pain, the grief. Not for the first time that day did he want to take that pain for her, to lie there in her place, but he couldn’t.

She was with her parents now, and she’d smiled when she’d seen them come in, smile in a way she hadn’t at her. She blamed him, and to be honest he blamed himself. Not for the loss, that was no one’s fault, but not being there for her, letting her suffer alone, that was his fault.  Dropping his head to the wall, he closed his eyes wishing this nightmare would end.

When he felt a hand on the small of his spine, he turned to see Sara, Erin’s mother, stood there.

                “She’s not pushing you away love, I think it’s just her way of coping, her guilt, you know?”

He shrugged, “I just wish I could make it better.”

Her mother nodded, “me too, but life isn’t like that. You’ve both had a tough blow, but these things make or break. She needs space, but don’t let her push you away too far or you’ll never mend the bridges. Ok?”

Jack smiled, “wise words.” And when Sara smiled he had the feeling that she’d been through exactly the same scenario. With an understanding nod he informed her he was going to get a cup of coffee. He also had to check in with his manager. He had training the following morning. He’d be understanding, he knew that, but he wasn’t sure how accommodating he would be.

                “I can’t face him Mum, tell him to go away, I’ll speak to him another time.”

Her mother refused to be manipulated by Erin, “the man has not left this building in almost two days. Now that you’re not critically unwell you have to see how devastated he is. I know it’s hard love, I don’t know what you’re going through, but I can guarantee one thing, he’s going through it too.”

Erin looked down at her hands, she’d felt so inadequate in Jack’s world, but the baby had given her confidence, for as long as he needed her she had a chance, now without the baby she was looking at losing everything.

Then she felt guilty for thinking of her own losses when her darling baby didn’t make it into the world. And she’d go around and around and around. Jack’s presence only made that worse. He was like an instant reminder of her failure, her loss. She didn’t want to see him, wanted to pretend for a moment that none of this was happening.

Erin had lost all concept of time. Her last memories had been of a quiet Saturday evening spent in front of the TV, any windows around her were blacked out, so she had no idea of night or day, so when they planned to transfer her to another ward she asked what time it was.

“Three pm” meant nothing, so she asked what day, then almost collapsed when the nurse on shift told her in was Tuesday. She’d lost days. Then she glanced across at Jack, despite her ignoring him, he still stayed, sitting with her hour after hour. She feigned sleep, turned away from him, anything other than look at him and see that he shared her hurt. But he’d stayed. She knew he would be needed in training, she couldn’t remember if he was due a midweek game, either way he shouldn’t be here.

                “I’m feeling better now Jack, you can head back home if you want. You look like you need a wash!”

It as a rubbish attempt at a joke, but for Jack it was a great sign. Smiling from his chair he offered, “I have showered, unlike you!”

For a brief moment the humour made them both smile, then a jab of pain deep in her stomach brought reality crashing back. Bracing for a second, she took several deep breaths until her pain eased, then spoke, “Jack, you have commitments, thanks for being here with me, I am grateful for all you’ve done. But you need to get back to your club...”

He shook his head, “what? This has been the worst few days of my life, I’m in no rush to head back, and I want to know that you are safe, and everything is ok first.”

She raised her eyebrows, “I’m on a normal ward now, the doctor’s are happy. You can at least go home catch up, I’m not going anywhere.”

He refused, repeatedly; in the end it was a phone call from his manager that finally spurred him into action. As terrible as he felt, he had to get to training, consult with his manager, then plan things from there.

Everybody was more than sympathetic with him, his manager, normally an ogre, immediately took him into his office to talk. Any man could see how bewildered Jack was, and how exhausted, there was no question of him playing the following weekend, he looked like he needed a week in bed.

As he left the office, the older man reached for his arm, “I know you want to look after your woman Jack, but you need to look after you too, ok?”

Jack nodded, thanked him, then left.

Back at his home, he hated the emptiness; even Barney was gone as Peter had taken him back to farm when he’d left his parents in Manchester. He showered for an age, it was a luxury he hadn’t had in ages, he was shaving when there was a knock at the door. Hurriedly making himself presentable he made it down to the door before the figures retreated. Pulling open the door he smiled to see Scott stood there, a Chinese in one hand, a box of beers in the other.

                “Before you protest, Erin’s parents are with her, Danni is staying with her until visiting closes, and now that she’s on a normal ward, not intensive care you can’t stay after eight o’clock. Me and you are having this food whilst it’s hot, then a few beers, until my wife picks me up. Ok?”

Jack wanted to protest, but he was so tired, Erin resented him, and the thought of slumping into a chair and forgetting everything for a moment was appealing.

Scott barged past him in the direction of the kitchen, “Erin knows, she’s relieved. You’re not letting her down, now crack open a couple of those bottles and I’ll serve up this food.”

An hour later Jack was sitting opposite his friend, distraught, but so pleased to have someone as reliable as Scott. He was almost asleep when Danni turned up, and the petite but dynamic woman insisted Scott stayed the night to look after his friend.

The next morning Jack felt so much happier, after a call to the ward before going to bed, he’d had a good night’s sleep. And if felt amazing, suddenly he needed to see Erin again, tell her how he felt, that she was everything to him, that the last few months his life had finally seemed complete. He was euphoric with how he felt about her.

Before he left for the hospital his agent called him, it was a warning. One of the scum tabloids had a tip off about Erin. The last thing either of them needed was public dissection of all they’d been through. He begged the man to quash it, to do anything he could.

Then he left for the hospital, his bubble somewhat deflated.  Using a staff entrance, he parked under the building then used a back staircase to climb to the fifth floor ward. Bursting into the room wanting to explain about the media interest. It kind of usurped his planned revelations that he loved her, wanted her forever. Instead he had to tell her her worst nightmare, that soon their most personal difficulties would become household news. She’d hate him for that, and he couldn’t begin to imagine how painful that would be for her.

With a sigh he walked up to her bed, ignoring the panic that was slowly rising as his eyes took everything in. He was in denial, he knew that, but he couldn’t avoid the truth, the bed, the room were empty. She’d left.