Never Again - 32

Chapter 32 - recovering

Erin sat looking out over the peaceful fields; it was a beautiful autumn morning. From this spot, high above her parents’ farm she was away from the furore. It was a month since she’d checked herself out of the hospital in Manchester. Since then she’d been monitored and checked out by a local doctor. Apparently she was making an excellent recovery. Physically she was feeling fitter every day, but emotionally she was a long way from it. Every time she closed her eyes, found sleep, she relived that horrendous moment of waking up all over again. In those moments asleep nothing had changed, she was still carrying her beloved baby, and everything was happy.

Reality was very different. And if she ever forgot she had seen the headlines to remind her of exactly all that had happened. How people knew her name she didn’t know. Her father had offered use of his solicitor to look into how the tabloids had found out about her and the baby she’d lost, but that would only drag things out. It was as Jack had always said; it would be tomorrow’s history. The last thing she wanted was to relive it all, and any protest would do that. Ignorance was bliss, and whilst her name and face were plastered all over the newspapers, she was hiding out at her parents, and no one knew she was there.

Dropping back to lie on the bracken, a soft cushion of thick fern, she watched planes leave white trails across the bright blue sky, wishing that she was on one of them flying somewhere, anywhere.  But a holiday was the last thing she could manage as once again she wasn’t working. The Manchester clinic had kept her job open for her, but at the moment she couldn’t bear the thought of returning north.

It was Saturday, the world was full of football, hence her retreat to the hills, because Jack was never more than an inch from her conscious thoughts and seeing him on TV or even hearing his name was all too much. Michelle had just left after a three day visit and she’d forced Erin in a way her parents were too scared, to look at the past. After her initial sympathy and support, Michelle’s attitude had changed.

                “I don’t understand why you left Erin, it’s almost as though you’re blaming Jack for what happened.”

That was completely not what she intended, but she hadn’t actually vocalised her words, she wasn’t able to admit it to herself let alone anyone else.

                “I need space and time.” Was all that Erin felt able to offer and it had angered Michelle.

                “Erin, you know I love you, but I can’t believe that. If you did need space why wouldn’t you tell him? Explain that. Instead you just ran away leaving him floundering. I feel real sympathy for him Erin, he’s suffering.”

                “You’ve seen him?”

Michelle nodded, “your parents have told him he can’t come here at the moment, so he came to me, to see if I knew anything. The man is a wreck; I don’t think he’s slept properly in weeks. But he respects your wishes, that you don’t want to see him, even if he doesn’t understand why. He knows that you need time to recover, and he’s giving you more than you deserve. But it’s not fair. You’re not that person Erin, you’re not a bitch, you need to talk to him.”

Michelle had sat across the room from her, hugely pregnant and beautiful with it, and Erin felt so envious, of everything that her friend had. How could she understand how Erin felt? She’d met Dave and things had been perfect ever since. Life wasn’t easy, they had their rough patches, but on the whole Michelle had a great relationship with him, and now that she was about to have a baby, her life was truly complete.

Erin looked at herself what she had, and it didn’t compare.

                “I can’t talk to him yet Chelle, I’m not ready.”  She didn’t add her next thought that she didn’t think she’d ever be.

When Michelle left the two friends still hadn’t cleared things up completely, and as she sat watching the sun set over the hills to her right, Erin hoped that this relationship wasn’t going to fail too. She needed her best friend more than anything.   But she hadn’t been honest with her, that was the problem, and Michelle knew it.

Could she admit to her friend what she found hard to admit to herself?

A day later Erin had said goodbye to Barney and was driving to London to see her friend.

Michelle only had two weeks before the baby was due so she was off work and nesting. Erin was confident as she knocked her front door that she’d be home. Smiling at the silhouette of her waddling to the door through the frosted glass, the smile became a laugh when Michelle squealed in surprise.

                “I hated leaving things so badly!” She exclaimed, “I’ve hardly slept since I left you!”

Erin pulled her close and kissed the top of her head, “I owe you an explanation, and an apology!”

Her friend smiled, shaking her head, “you don’t owe me anything.”

Sitting on a sofa together, Erin turned to Michelle, “I love him...Jack.”

Michelle laughed, “I think YOU are the only one who didn’t already know that.”

She sighed, “But he doesn’t love me, he abandoned me in a restaurant the first time I challenge him on the future. He only moved me into his because of the baby. Now that it’s gone I’m not staying where I’m not wanted.”

                “He loves you too, I know he does.”

She shook her head, “sorry Michelle, but I don’t believe that. Within days of him leaving me in that restaurant he was out with another blonde, then there’s Betsy!” She explained about the note she found.

                “Talk to him then Erin.”

Erin felt like punching a wall, “I’m not what he wants; I’m never going to be. And I won’t fight for someone, something that is so one sided. I’ve been there before Michelle, married to a man who doesn’t give a shit about me. I won’t see him again just to assuage his guilt. It was only ever a forced relationship, he didn’t want me for me, he was only interested when he knew about the baby. THAT is why I’m not going back.”

Michelle couldn’t answer that, so she merely held her friend as the tears rolled down her face. She believed that Erin was wrong, she’d seen how cut up Jack had been, and she believed his heart was broken, maybe he was only now realising what he had lost. Michelle wanted to throw them together, make them talk. But she owed her friend the only loyalty.

Jack fought with a key, then skulked in through the door. He’d been hammered in golf; the boys had taken great pleasure in it, now he felt worse than when he started the day. It wasn’t dark, but it was far from sunny, so he reached for the light. Dumping his clubs, he wandered lifelessly into the kitchen and opened the fridge, sighing when he spotted a bottle of French beer on one of the shelves.

Cracking it open, he headed into the lounge then lowered himself onto the sofa. As he did, he felt something hard under his thigh, groaning he reached under him and pulled out a silver hairbrush. Erin’s hairbrush. Those tears prickled his eyes again, this place was so empty without her, in the few weeks that she’d lived with him he’d so quickly got used to having someone here in his home, and he’d even accepted that she and the baby would be in his life, in his home forever.

Pinching the bridge of his nose, he threw his head back and sighed, when were things going to start feeling easier? He’d gone out the previous night, celebrating a win with team mates, but his mind wasn’t it that, he had sat alone scowling at any one who tried to attract his attention. He had no interest, in anything. He’d never felt so low.

Coincidentally he was having a great time on the pitch, it seemed his anger and frustration were pushing his game up a notch. The irony.

Draining the bottle of beer he was just reaching for a second when there was a knock at the door. Sighing, he’d lost hope that Erin would arrive here, he wanted to say ‘come home’ but it didn’t seem right, and as he lived in a gated community this was no stranger, he braced himself for yet another do-gooding neighbour offering advice.

Pulling back the door he plastered on a smile, then froze. Stood on his doorstep was the last person he ever imagined seeing, his mother.

Erin was going to stay with Michelle, but her friend didn’t need that strain as she entered the last few weeks of her pregnancy. So she was driving home, late at night, her mind overly active. Michelle had told her in great detail how dreadful Jack had looked when he’d come to her house. He wanted to see her, and she supposed that was a good thing. She just couldn’t get over the fact that before the baby he’d left her in that restaurant without a care, purely because she questioned the future. Yet as soon as she was pregnant he was taking over, controlling. There was no way he’d have invited her into his home without the baby, in fact the first time she’d visited his house had been the day she’d moved in. That was the cold hard fact; nothing he said now could change that.

Feeling tired she pulled into a service station to get a coffee, a hot cup of fresh filter coffee! Taking a sip she was fiddling with her car keys when her phone rang. Pulling it out of her pocket she saw a number she didn’t know. Usually she left them to her answer phone, but today she connected.

                “Hello?”

There was a moments silence before a familiar voice replied, “hey ex-wife! Got myself stuck in a bit of a hole, had a tabloid offer me enough money to bail me out for the dirt on you, seeing as how you’ve snagged yourself someone famous...and we all know there’s lots of that. Unless you want to take it on yourself?”