Lost and Found - 32

32

Sunday 12^th January 2009

It was over a week since Sol had left for LA, and a lot had happened. Amelia watched her father battle to stand, and then take a step. Each day had seen him improve, initially a team of physiotherapists helped him plant his foot, lock his knee, then shift his weight to allow the next step. Now, with some help, he was almost walking six or eight steps himself. He was a strong and stubborn, and she was glad to see that he was using that trait to get himself up and about.

She’d already been talking to the doctors about his future, and she’d decided that she’d rent a single story apartment for them. As beautiful as the Manor house was, it was cold, difficult to manoeuvre around, and if he needed a wheelchair then that was virtually impossible.

She hadn’t spoken to Sol, other than leaving him a message when she knew he’d still be in the air flying to LA. It was a cowardly action, but she couldn’t talk to him directly, he’d wear her down, and this was a decision she HAD to make.  Sighing she walked into the hospital for the first of several visits that day. When did life become such a routine?

As usual her father was terse, preoccupied and had the same air of determination that had seen him improve so quickly. The staff loved him, found his grumpy disposition amusing, for Amelia it made her doubt her choices every minute they were together. But back in the quiet of the room she’d rented above the Red Lion in her home village, she put her life into perspective.

Li was her only real family, and now with her being married, about to be a mother, there would be growing distance between them, she knew that and appreciated it. But without Li she had nothing. Some of the lowest moments in her life had happened in the last eighteen months, and with Li both successfully busy, and in love, she’d had to shoulder these times alone. But Max was her father, her blood relation, and she wanted him around and in her life. A voice grated at the back of her conscience doubting that her father would ever be anyone she’d confide in, ever be an emotional support to her, ever provide that bolt hole she’d craved the last few years. But he was her only chance.

That night back in the village, she sat alone by the huge open fire, Mike and Cathy had beef hotpot as a special, so she was drinking a pint of Guinness as she waited for it. Mrs Young, Amelia had learned was a very useful contact. She knew everything that happened in the area, and had a loyalty to her own dead mother that made her a confidante. Tonight’s news was that Alex had moved his new girlfriend into the house and was...to quote the older woman “lording around” with her. Amelia was too exhausted to show her anger.

Monday 12^th January 2009

As usual Amelia ate her lunch alone. Most days she visited the hospital coffee shop, it wasn’t great, but the food was hot. Today as despite the cold air, the sun shone, she took a sandwich and a Styrofoam cup of coffee out to one of the park benches that were tucked into the ornamental gardens that flanked the hospital entrance.

                “What the hell does ‘we can’t be together’ mean?”

She’d barely touched the unappetising snack when a familiar voice cut through her serenity. Before she’d even set eyes on him her body was all a quiver. Even his voice was sexy, but she had to ignore that thought.  Amelia’s head snapped up to see an angry Sol stood over her, she’d not even sensed him approach until he’d spoken and before she could overcome her surprise, her burst of desire and think of commenting, forming an answer, he carried on.

                “You leave me a message, tell me you’ve ‘picked my family’...” he shook his head, “then you refuse to answer your phone or respond to an email. I have been beside myself. Have you any idea?”

Amelia could see the pain in his eyes, and she instantly felt awful, this was all such a mess. If she could fit them both in her life she would’ve, immediately. The point was she couldn’t.

                “Sol, he needs me.”

Sol shook his head, “he wants to control you...again! We’ve let him split us up once and it’s taken ten years to work this out. I love you and I WON’T give you up.”

She stood and faced him, “Sol. You’ll meet other women, you’ll love again. I honestly believe that. But I have one father and I need to put him first here. What would you give for one more day with your father? I’ve watched him fight for his life for days, weeks. I have to do this, and we can’t be together because it would hurt him...and if he had another heart attack...” She fought tears, “you have to understand that.”

As she looked at him earnestly, she could see anger, pain and passion all fight to dominate his expression. Her heart was racing at the proximity of him, she wanted more than anything to throw herself into his arms, for him to once again take over the hard work for her. But she couldn’t...she meant every word.

                “That is bullshit Amelia! We’ve spent years ‘doing the right thing’, both of us, and where has it got us? We were both lonely, sad...planning to spend the supposedly best holiday of the year alone, all because we’ve both tiptoed around not wanting to hurt anyone! Guilt does not make a great life companion, but then neither does loneliness. We both know that!”

She shook her head, “we all have responsibilities Sol, just like you did with Helena. It hurts, but sometimes we have to all do the right thing.”

Amelia honestly did believe this was the right decision, that this was what she was destined to do, although Sol was getting more and more angry.

                “I was stupid to put Helena’s feelings over mine, it was a disaster that I’ve spent eighteen months regretting, so don’t stand there and say that this is the ‘right thing’ to do!” He was hissing under his breath, so obviously not wanting to create a scene, but Amelia couldn’t act the same way.

                “I’m not you, and this is not Helena! This is my father! And when he found out that I was seeing you had an almost fatal cardiac arrest, followed by a stroke. I have watched him learn to stand this week. It’s taken him nine hours to manage one step unaided. He’s requiring catheters, drugs, and his food has to be softened so that he can swallow it. You might want to compare this to frankly a woman who found out that she couldn’t carry a child, someone who could always choose to move on and disappear. I’m his daughter, we didn’t choose each other but we’re all each other has got. He’s never going to live back in the Manor; it’s too archaic, too hostile to someone infirm. He has no one else Sol. No one.”

                “But parental love should be unconditional. He should appreciate, help you to grow and develop your relationship. Instead he’s yet again demanding from you! He’s a control freak and you’re getting sucked in!”

Amelia honestly didn’t think that any of this was Maxwell deliberately manipulating her, but then she’d always been naive and loyal when it came to her father, despite everything. It was physically painful to stand here and resist Sol, but she was resolute. “He’s a sick man, and it’s my duty to put him first Sol, don’t make this harder than it is!”

                “Harder than it is?” Sol growled, “if it’s that hard then it’s instinctively wrong Meals, we’re made for each other and there’s been too much pointless shit up til now that we’ve let get between us. Don’t do this, I’m begging you. Being a martyr hasn’t helped anyone to have a happy life. We both know that first hand.”

Sol was so desperate, so earnest and as he took her hands that same frisson of passion, of excitement shuddered through her body. At that very moment he knew he’d convinced her, started to win her over with logic and common sense. As she opened her mouth, made to speak, her phone rang.

                “Ignore it!” he growled not wanting this spell to be broken, at the same time ignoring the irony that it was him that was manipulating, trying to control her, all that he’d accused her father of.

She shook her head and reached in her pocket for the ringing object. It was her father’s nurse, he was asking for rice pudding. He was limited with what he could eat, and the fact that he’d expressed a preference was a big change, but she could also work out from the nurse’s words that he’d been more than a little demanding in his request.

                “I’ll get some before I come back,” she promised, “tell him I won’t be long.”

She hung up then lifted her apologetic eyes to Sol’s. He was devastated; it showed on every inch of his face.  He knew he’d lost this battle; her father’s demands had been timed to perfection. The guilt was evident for him to see, as was Amelia’s sense of obligation. Instead of feeling angry, raising his voice, he became resigned.

                “I get it,” he sighed. “He’s won. You’ll live your life of guilt and good intentions.” He cupped her cheek with a hand and was stunned by the intensity of his feelings, the totality of his pain and anguish.  “I don’t think...I KNOW you’re making a terrible mistake Meals, but I’m going to leave you to your own disaster.”

Amelia was stunned by the finality of his words, his actions. It was what she wanted, him to leave her to her own choices, but as he gave a sad smile and walked away, she felt tears well. By the time she saw his car leave the car park she was barely able to stand for the coursing conflicting emotions that overwhelmed her. She was distraught at losing him, and guilty for feeling that way. But this was her choice, and now she’d made her decision she knew that Sol would leave her to her own time and space. He’d not bother her again, and she tried to ignore that fact...badly.

Wednesday 28^th January 2009

He was so demanding, so aggressive and so unable to deal with the hand that he’d been dealt that several times a day Amelia doubted her choice, doubted that devoting her life, her freedom, the love of her life for this ungrateful man was the right thing. Then he’d have a mini breakdown, apologising overtly and trying his best to explain to her how hard he was finding it adjusting to his lack of independence.  At those moments Amelia promised to help him, to find the right place to live so they could get him out of the hospital as soon as possible. It was over two weeks since she’d driven Sol away, and the pain was as raw and fresh now, as it was then. Sometimes she was grateful for her father’s aggression helping to take her mind away from her own mental traumas. She'd cried more times than she cared to mention, in the privacy of the bed she was renting at the pub, and the hospital trips had in their own way kept her sane.

So here she was viewing a small two bedroomed apartment, hopefully with a view to buying it. If it was adapted, then he could come home, and visit the hospital for therapy appointments. The large double doors looked out on to a small courtyard. It was late January, so she blamed that for the fact there wasn’t a scrap of light to illuminate the gloomy looking concrete square. But the doors between the rooms were wide enough to accommodate a wheelchair, and the bathroom had a walk-in shower.

Agreeing on the terms, she signed the paperwork and consulted with her lawyer who informed her it’d be six weeks until they could move in. That was a realistic target and she had that time to try and prepare for taking this on. She’d tried several times to contact Alex with regard to the Manor but he was avoiding her calls. Instead he was quite obviously visiting her father and smoothing and schmoozing over any of his actions when he knew she wouldn’t be there. She was quite rightly suspicious, and was never more glad of Mrs Young’s regular news updates.

Amelia was really looking forward to the coming weekend. Li and Daichi were due home from their honeymoon. After two weeks in the Maldives they’d headed to Tokyo to see his family. Amelia missed her as she always did, but there was a nervousness in her that their relationship would never be the same now that Li was married and having a baby.

Friday 30^th January 2009

The text message arrived mid morning as she was shopping in a nearby town. Once Amelia had the apartment to live in she could collect her things out of storage and start to belong somewhere, as it was she didn’t have much more than the bag she’d brought to the Manor for Christmas, so she’d had to come to this department store purely for more underwear, and a change of clothing.

                                ‘I’m back! At last. Can’t wait to talk to you.

                                 I’ll be with you in an hour. Is there room for

                                me to stay anywhere? Li.’

Amelia felt the beaming smile take over her face. She was SO excited at the thought of seeing her best mate. As she drove her rental car back to the Red Lion, she called Cathy to arrange a room for Li at the same pub.

Li was stood at the entrance to the pub as she pulled up, an indescribable look on her face. Amelia abandoned the car and ran across the car park to pull the smaller woman into her arms. She couldn’t remember a time when she’d needed her friend more.

                “You look fantastic!” She beamed holding Li at arm’s length and looking down to her delicate bump. “So well! Tell me all about your honeymoon...well not EVERY-thing, obviously!” It was then that Amelia realised Li wasn’t reciprocating, if anything she looked preoccupied, angry even. “What’s wrong?”

Li shook her head, “I don’t know! You tell me! I fly home to find my in love best friend living out of a suitcase above a pub, and my boss has abandoned his work, his home, even this country! You’ve barely answered a call or an email since the New Year, and now I can see why!”

Amelia was immediately floundering, “it’s not what you think!”

Li snapped, and Amelia had never seen her like this, “well what would I think? You’ve told me nothing. I arrive in the Maldives and have the wonderful news that you and Sol have finally got your heads out of your arses and realised that you actually have an attraction, a spark that others strive their whole lives to find. As I’m whooping on a tropical beach I don’t notice that my best friend has stopped calling. I’m busy, there’s the time difference and your ill father. I made every excuse known to man!”

Li glared up at her, “then I come home so excited. Only to find that Sol has taken a sabbatical...the man who NEVER holidays has packed a bag and headed off to God only knows where, for God only knows how long...ALONE! And my friend? She’s apparently holed up in the family home that’s full of miserable memories.”

               

                “He’s really gone away?” Amelia couldn’t focus on any more of the story than the fact that Sol had disappeared.

                “Craig his PA told me he’d never seen him so devastated, after being so elated when he came back to work in the New Year. It was the first time he’s taken time off over Christmas, to be with you. SO forgive me Miss Parkin if I’m a little confused.”

Amelia was reeling, stepping backward she was glad of the solid wall of the building behind her. “Things have worked out how they’ve worked out. Are you sure shouting is good for the baby?”

Li shook her head in amazement, “when did you become such a heartless bitch Ams? You’ve ruined Sol, now you’re scoring cheap gibes at me?”

Amelia was struggling to stay in this conversation, “I’m not after cheap digs, I just don’t want you stressing out over me and making yourself ill.”

Li softened slightly, “what the hell are you doing Amelia? I am SO worried about you. What went wrong?”

                “I’ve had to give up Sol, my father needs me...”

Her friend shook her head incredulously, “what it’s either your father or the self professed ‘love of your life’? That makes NO sense!”

                “Li, you know what you’d give for another day with your parents...”

She shook her head furiously, “my parents were nothing but good, honest, they were taken away in murderous circumstances. They were good people, that man you refer to as a father doesn’t know the meaning of the word! Yes my parents have gone, and I wouldn’t sacrifice Daichi, this baby, MY FUTURE for the past! I couldn’t do that! And most importantly, they would never ask me to.”

                “But...” This wasn’t what she expected. Her and Li had always shared a desire for family ties, for a sense of belonging. Now she could barely recognise her friend’s angry face...no it wasn’t anger...it was disappointment.

Li cut her off, and carried on regardless, “Amelia I can’t condone you choosing that selfish arrogant man who’s done nothing to help you in the whole of your life! I don’t want to say this, but to be honest if you’re going through with this madness, this one way trip to self destruction, then I’m out!” Amelia was still gobsmacked as Li got back in her car and drove away.