Starting Over - Chapter Eighteen - Even Men Feel Pain

Chapter Eighteen - Even Men Feel Pain

Ellen unpacked her things, storing her clothes in the bedroom, placing a few pictures around the room, laying out a few cosmetics, her hairdryer, straightening irons. They she plugged in the laptop and checked her emails for the first time in weeks. She had dozens, and she deleted most, leaving a few correspondences from old friends, people contacting to wish her luck or congratulate her on her wedding. She’d have to email later, tell them that it never happened.

Then she sat back, her arms folded across her stomach. What to do? She liked it here, but couldn’t stay forever, did she head back to London, find a job, grind her life out? She had more than fifty thousand pounds in the bank, her surf on the web had uncovered that Martin Hamer had been true to his word. Whilst it wouldn’t last forever, it would at least let her do SOMETHING. She’d always dreamed of travelling, South America? Africa? Northern or Southern hemispheres? There wasn’t that real pull, the specific tug that made her really want to jack it all in and leave. She couldn’t stay here at Jan’s hospitality if all this was over.

She suddenly thought back over his dramatic response to the outcome of their first argument. He’d walked out.

Shaking her head she lowered the lid of the computer and stood to make a pot of coffee, she had some doughnuts that were a few days old, but still good, so she took a mug and the slightly dry snack out onto the balcony.  The view from there was awesome, blue skies met azure seas, the rugged coastline stretched off into the distance, and white sand beaches coated the water. It was late afternoon, and the beaches were packed with people making the most of the hot July day. Mainly lots of sunburned British tourists, the locals and other tourists tended to come along later in the evening, Ellen’s favourite time of the day.

Maybe that was just what the doctor ordered? Smiling to herself despite everything, she headed into the bedroom then stripped out of her travelling clothes. She’d bought more bikinis at a nearby surf shop a few days earlier, so she pulled on black combo of mini shorts and a strapless bra top, both decorated with large red cherries. It was a bit more daring than her usual choices, and she’d imagined Jan’s response to it when she bought it, but sadly it was for her eyes only. With an elasticated sundress over the top, she pulled her hair up into a large clip, slipped on her shades, then departed for a few hours soaking the sun.

It was still very hot at the beach, so she sat on the shaded veranda of one of the beach bars. With a glass of lemonade and a piece of tortilla Espanola she opened the newspaper she’d bought in the airport.  

There was nothing like swimming in the sea in the evening, just as the sun started to set, the blaze of the day reducing, but the water warmed from a day full of absorbing heat. Ellen had been sleeping on the beach after eating, but now that she was awake, she really wanted to swim, wake up, and stretch out her body. As she cut through the water she realised a few things, firstly, she was coping without Jan, even though she missed him, the fact that he’d walked away a few hours earlier hadn’t turned her in to the gibbering wreck. Thinking about their falling out, she realised that she’d pushed him over his commitment to his family, something he probably had lots of nagging about from all his family, the last thing he needed was her to join in with that. And she had no real right, the problems she had were with him not talking about himself, sharing his past as well as his present with her.

Can I live with him and not know about the past? She asked herself, and was surprised at the answer. I want him for as long as I can have him. I know it’s not forever, not marriage and commitment, but he’s fun, caring and I want more of that, more memories before I go home to a job, a life, when this carefree episode is over.

She stood in the chest high water and looked up at the sky, the endless expanse of blue. So what are you saying Ellen? She asked herself, that you will accept his terms and get on with things?

She immediately knew that the answer was yes.

Flopped onto her towel, propped up on her elbows she watched people from behind her sunglasses, two olive skinned Spanish children burying their father under buckets full of sand, a young couple kissing in the sea, Ooo! She blushed, more than kissing! Looking away she sighed, she really had to find Jan, compromise with him, before it was too late.

Once she was dry, she dressed and headed back to the apartment. She had no idea what Jan was working, she couldn’t go to the hotel, but she could definitely call him, once she’d showered! The sand and salt was good for her skin, but felt awful, and her hair was like straw.

Kicking open the apartment door, she made to enter, then froze. Sat on the sofa looking sad and lonely was Jan, next to him was a large rucksack out of which it seemed he’d taken several boxes.

As he sensed the door opening he looked up then attempted a weak smile.

                “Can I try a sorry?”

She shrugged, “depends if you mean it? All I wanted was to talk to you, for you to talk to me. I’m not wanting lifelong commitment, but I do need a bit of honest, is that too much to ask?”

He shook his head, “not at all. I’m just not used to it Ellen, I don’t....” With a big sigh he sank back into the sofa, “I came away from Belgium, from my family and friends for lots of reasons, I don’t think I was running away, more that I was looking for something more. I found that here, I love goofing around in the hotel with the kids, the tourists, I was happy from the moment I got here. You’ve been the icing on the cake. I enjoy being with you, and I’ll try to talk more, be more open....but it’s hard. Just remember that?”

She smiled, “all I want is honesty and you’ve been more open in the last ten minutes than the last few weeks.” She unwound her hair, “I’m about to shower, want to join me?”

His eyes lit up, “you forgive me?”

Pausing in mock indignation she finally announced, “not yet but I’m sure you can talk me around in the next fifteen minutes?” With a wink she raced into the bathroom ahead of him.

An hour later they lay on the sofa, a romcom on TV, talking and relaxing, his fingers teased a pattern on her upper arm which was bordering on orgasmic. He kissed the top of her head, knowing from the way her nipples had hardened that he was having an effect on her.

                “You forgive me now?”

 She nodded, before turning her head to look at him, planting a kiss on his lips. In truth she’d seen that she’d been pressuring him when she was at the beach. She shouldn’t expect so much from him so quickly, she couldn’t keep thinking back to her life with Richard, and she never wanted to lose control again.

                “So what’s in the bag?” she asked eventually once they’d stopped kissing.

 Jan sat up, “ahh, the bag.”  Rooting around on the floor he lifted a small box up onto her lap. Opening it he lifted out a small tied package.

                “Photos.” Untying the bow he lifted the top one and sighed, “This is my papa, Johann. He was born in Berlin, and happened to be west of the City visiting a family friend when the wall went up. He waited years to see his brothers and sister again. Both his parents died before that happened. He was the youngest of five, a lot younger.” He flicked to the next photo, “this is mama, Patricia. She was brought up in a town near Boston in New England. She was Oxford graduated, languages. Was translating in Egypt when she met my Pa.” Jan flicked to the next photo, a group one, an obvious wedding. He then identified Marta and Hubert and their children, then Louis and his girlfriend, in another photo was Veronique, her husband Gareth and their children and the bride Catalina.

                “Is that you?” she exclaimed, craning to look at the man at the centre of the photo. His hair since she’d known him had been short and soft around the back of his neck, over his ears, but longer on top, pulled in a point, a soft Mohawk. It was cute, and sexy. But in this photo his hair was trimmed, short, conservative. She glanced up and smiled, “Wow! How serious do you look there? Talk about Preppy!”

He blushed, “ok, ok. Next photo!” He handed her another pic, “this is me and my cousin and best mate, Rory. He lived in the US, but we’d alternate holidays together, then we both went to college together. Good times.” He looked a little wistful before thrusting some graduation photos at her, “this is us graduating, the girl is Sonia, Rory’s girlfriend.”

She chuckled at his collar length hair, another fashion disaster, then spotted the library behind him in the picture, “you both went to Harvard? Really?”

Jan blushed again, “yep I majored in business management, Rory in finance and accounting.”

                “Wow!” Ellen shook her head, “This is EXACTLY what I’m talking about, I know so little about you. I can’t believe that! So where’s your girlfriend?”

Shrugging he passed her a few more photos of him and Rory surfing, drinking and lying in the sun, college days and holidays. “So you were the genuine Mr Nice Guy then? No girls, no trouble?”

He stood and headed to the kitchen, “The last time I saw was Rory eighteen months ago, he died...”

She didn’t pressure him, he looked so devastated, as he reached in the fridge for a beer, she was behind him, her arms around him hugging him, “hey, I’m sorry. That must have been hard.”

                “Yep, the worst. There are so many things I didn’t say....I miss him every day, does that sound gay?” he looked up with wide eyes.

She chuckled, “no! It's normal, it explains SO much. And most of all it makes you sound human!”

Ellen realised the insight into Jan’s life had given her what she wanted, signs that he was normal, that he had a life, a past as well as the present, and maybe a future?