Starting Over - Chapter Twenty Six - taking back the control

Chapter 26 - Taking back the control

Ellen looked down at the box, dreading to see what it contained. Nausea washed over her, Jan was hurt, and that surprised her. Had she done that? Used him? She picked up the box but refused to open it. She’d sworn that she’d never consider marriage again, not after Richard, now this. She turned the box in her fingers looking at the plush velvet the small silver catch that held it closed.

One man had asked her to marry him because it was convenient, now she had the same scenario again. She felt like Natalie Wood in Love with the Proper Stranger, she too wanted ‘bells and banjos’ to know this was love, romance, hearts and flowers, not convenience, a hot Steve McQueen and a baby just wasn’t enough. Where was the professing of undying love, the hearts and flowers, the ‘I can’t live without you!’?

Sighing she walked back into the house. She could hear Jan coming down the stairs; he was wearing jeans and a thick sweater.

                “Jan. I didn’t mean to hurt you....”

He looked at her, saw the box in her fingers and then lifted his eyes back to hers, “I’m not good enough. I never have been. That’s the truth isn’t it?”

She shook her head, “of course not, I have loved you for so long Jan....it’s just....”

                “Just what? I don’t understand you. I want to marry you; I want this to be forever Ellen.”

She was silent, staring at him, waiting for something, anything that made this more that a sense of duty, more than an obligation to their baby. She wanted Steve McQueen and his bells and his banjo...that expression that this was his first choice, not his last.

                “SO will you marry me?”

She could barely speak as the tears welled at the resentment in his voice, the anger, the pain.  

                “No.” She could barely believe she’d said the word, “I’m not a mother Jan, I’m a woman first, and I’ve almost married a man for the wrong reason once, I’m not doing it again.”

He was across the kitchen from her, his face dropped, “and THAT’s what it all comes down to. That bastard sucked you in, spat you out and now it’s all poor Ellen! You know me; you KNOW I’m not like that! Hell Ellen, I’ve said I was wrong, I should’ve said and done things differently in Spain, I was hiding from myself, but never from you. But this...” he gestured around them, then at the ring. “Do you honestly think that I would make a snap decision based on you being pregnant? The man who ignored family obligations and stresses for a year to ease his own guilt? No way Ellen. I came to England to find you with that ring, BEFORE the baby, BEFORE any obligation. Because I realised that life without you wasn’t a life I wanted! I just thought that the woman I fell in love with had more trust and more compassion than to throw it all back in my face!” He slapped a wad of cash on the work surface and grimaced, “more than enough for a flight and a taxi to the airport, I’ll get Louis to contact you about child support.”

Before she could respond he was out the door down to the garage and as she pulled herself together to chase after him, she heard the roar of the powerful motorbike he kept in the garage and with a wheel spin she could tell the bike was moving. Rushing to the veranda she called after him, tears pouring down her face but with his helmet and the loud engine he would never hear her.

Ellen slumped onto the sofa. How had she got it so wrong? She was so busy being wronged that she hadn’t seen the change of direction, hadn’t even questioned why he’d come back in the first place. And now she’d driven him away, the only man she’d ever TRULY envisaged spending the rest of her life with.

She glanced up to the kitchen, the wad of cash glaring at her like a child poking its tongue out, gloating, and goading her.  Standing up in anger she hit the pile with a gripped fist, Euro notes fluttering down like ironic confetti as she cried a little bit more.

Ellen suddenly looked up she could control her own destiny, couldn’t she?  How could she find him?  Her only thought was Louis, there was a family meet planned, so if she could convince Louis to talk to Jan.....but she didn’t know his number.

Suddenly she thought of her phone, checking she had reception, she logged on to Google and typed his name in. Up popped details of a legal firm in Brussels. So she dialled, using Jan’s house phone.

After a little questioning, she was finally put through to Louis.

                “Ellen?” he came on the phone shock evident in his voice. “I couldn’t work out who you were for a second. How are you?  Are you still joining Jan at the dinner tonight?”

She sighed, how much did you tell the brother? Everything, she realised, if she wanted to get her man. So she did!

She had an afternoon to herself to pamper, primp herself for the evening. So she headed to a salon recommended by Louis’ secretary. The family were meeting in a well revered restaurant in the centre of the City. Their mother was visiting from Liege; apparently she loved trips staying in her favourite hotel...despite offers from her children to stay with them. The family were arriving at eight, but Louis had arranged to meet Jan at seven.

Hence Ellen was sat at the table, a secluded area overlooking the small garden. She’d never been so anxious in her life, despite all that had happened in the last few months. She honestly believed that this was the defining moment of her life. If she walked out of here sans Jan, then her and her baby had a difficult life ahead. But together....she knew it could work. Now that she knew that he loved her. How ridiculous that she’d let one word or the lack of it influence her so greatly.

                “Ellen?”

The single word from that slightly accented voice dragged her from her reverie like a bolt of lightning. Suddenly she was a gibbering wreck, “I....um.....”

He slipped into a seat opposite her, “I’m sitting because it’s too expensive a place to make a scene...”

She gulped fighting a breakdown, “as if I’m here to make a scene. You say I don’t know you, but to think I’m here to prolong your discomfort!” She dropped her head, those damned tears.

                “Ok, so why are you here?” He rested his chin on his upturned hands, elbows braced on the table.

“Why do you think? I KNOW I was wrong to judge you as I did, but I also think you need to look at the bigger picture. I lay my heart on my sleeve in Majorca; I told you I wanted more than a holiday fling. You chose what you wanted and I walked away. I’d had my heartbroken twice in a few months...” she put up a hand, “and before you protest, I didn’t love Richard, I know that now, but losing my best friend....” She took a deep breath, “I was emotionally charged, damaged, fragile, whatever. But I took a chance on you and it fell apart. But I left banking the memories and trying not to fall apart. I was moving on, I really was.....then you were there.....and it was all about you saying your bit, explaining why you were such a dick....” he looked down for  a second, “but at no point did you say you’d been wrong, that you wanted anything more...”

She reached for her drink and glugged some cold water, finally getting some much needed lubrication to her Sahara dry mouth, “and you knew I needed a commitment, all you said was you knew you had to wake up, stop running away.”

                “Then there was the test...”

She nodded, “I didn’t know, and I didn’t plan it!”

Nodding too he assured her, “I know that, it’s probably the only thing I’ve been sure of the last few months.” He reached across the table and took her hands in his, “are you saying that you can see a life with me? That we can be a family?”

She sighed, this time in relief, “As long as you love me.....US, then I’ll gladly do anything. I promise!”

Jan grinned, “That’s all I’ve wanted to hear Ellen, I swear. I know I’m an emotional cripple, but that’s only because I was still grieving for my best mate...” he laughed out loud. “Who’d have thought? We’re both the same!! Both sad at losing our friendships, and because of that almost chasing the other away.”

Ellen looked at him for a long moment, loving the sparkle in his eyes, the optimism in his smile, the promise in his words. “Jan, we’ve both been bloody stupid, twice....though the slight accident had made me happier than I can’t tell you when...”

                “You have no idea!” Pulling his phone out of his pocket he touched the screen a few times as he walked around the table to sit beside her, then he turned it to show her a photo of a room laden with bags, clothes, cuddly toys, all to suit a newborn baby.

                “Have you been getting carried away?”

He nodded, “I’ve been keeping it all in my office, I can’t wait! I love you Ellen!”

She felt a loan tear roll down her cheek, “and I’ve waited months to hear that, so what about this....” she placed the velvet box into his hand. His eyes darkened, a veil of confusion crossing momentarily, then he lifted an eyebrow in question, a grin crossing his until that moment serious face.

                “Ah Jan! So this is the woman I’ve been hearing all about. Ellen is it? I believe I owe you a thank you for making my son wake up and smell the coffee!”

They both turned startled by the intrusion, and Ellen took in the elegant older lady stood in front of them.

Jan slipped an arm around her shoulder as he looked up at her mother, “Mother, this is Ellen, Ellen Patricia Zeigler, my mother.”

Ellen smiled sweetly at the older woman, shaking her extended hand, “pleased to meet you Mrs Zeigler, you have impeccable timing, your son was just about to ask me something.”

                “I’m intrigued!” mumbled his mother, “and please call me Patricia.”

Both women turned to look at Jan and he turned as pale as the white heavy linen tablecloth.