He'll Come Through - 25 - desperation and despair

25 - Desperation and despair

Lilah was inconsolable.  A month had passed since she’d been carefully towelled dry by Quinn, and then dissolved into tears as he walked out the door. She still couldn’t quite believe that he’d gone, that he’d just left with no looking back, but she did at least respect him for not saying what he knew she wanted to hear. But her last words to him had been ‘I love you’, and it had stood for nothing.

Before he disappeared off into the unknown, Quinn had spent some more time with Freddy at her parent’s home then headed back to some other war zone, but she couldn’t bear to see him again. So she stayed away, leaving the two males to each other. Whilst her mother didn’t question, she was immeasurable in her support. But Lilah kept it all inside, unable to find words to describe how she felt even if she found the inclination.

She threw herself back into life, preparing Maria for her trip to the States, caring for Freddy and trying to keep her mind busy, but each evening as she sat alone, her heart broke all over again. All the anger, frustration and pain of the last twelve months seemed to intensify.

Lilah had flown with Maria to Boston and had a huge humdinger of a battle with Gavin’s parents, at the airport; she’d then flown straight back, traumatised at spending more than twenty four hours away from her baby. But when she’d got finally got back to the house, she’d had a call from Gavin’s mother, understanding the predicament in the cold light of day, and away from the emotions of the moment, she realised that Maria wasn’t happy in boarding school, and they agreed that she could live with Lilah full time and attend the local school in the village. Maria had come on the phone after and cried, thanking Lilah for helping her.

The travel and the time zones had taken their toll on her, so here sat Lilah on a bright July morning missing Quinn, missing Maria, even missing her parents as they’d taken the camper van to Ireland for a few weeks, and feeling completely knackered. She’d emailed some photos of Freddy to the email address Quinn had left, it was Amir’s, but the only contact she had for him. The message she’d typed to Amir had been brief and not overly friendly.

                “Amir, I have attached some photos for Quinn if you have chance to pass them to him. I do not want to hear about him, or from him, but please pass them on. Thanks, Lilah.”

No response had come, but she didn’t know whether that pleased her or made her angry?

Needing to close this chapter of her life, end all the uncertainty, she decided that she’d not waste anymore time, in moping around the house and dwelling on the past. So she took the bull by the horns, and decided to go to visit Quinn’s mother. She deserved to know about Freddy, and he deserved another grandparent. She’d been there once, the large home in the Oxfordshire countryside, so packing up for the day, she made her way the next morning.

The house was as she remembered, large, imposing, perched on a hill on the outskirts of picturesque Oxford. The drive way alone was longer than the main road through her village. As she pulled Mike’s car up outside the front door, she spotted a face at the window and before she’d unstrapped Freddy the front door was opening.

                “You’re a friend of Quinn’s!” his mother exclaimed, obviously recognising her. She was an elegant woman, tall in her late fifties. Her greying hair wound up in a top knot, her twinset and pencil skirt a stark contrast to her mother’s floaty dresses or dungarees. Yet she imagined they were probably the same age.

 “I’m Lilah Dawson. I came here about a year ago looking for Quinn.”

His mother nodded, glancing down at the baby seat she could see the wheels of the older woman’s brain turning. “I’m Gloria, Gloria Martin.” She shook Lilah’s hand. “Did you find him?”

Lilah nodded, “eventually. Can I come in? I have rather a lot to talk to you about.”

She stepped back and gestured into the hallway which was as grand as the exterior of the home, Lilah then followed Gloria into the lounge.  Three large sofas that were more ornate than comfortable looking were arranged around a coffee table, the whole room looked like a page from “Home and Interior” magazine.

Accepting the seat she was offered, Lilah gratefully placed the heavy car seat down.

                “So?” the older woman prompted, sitting opposite.

                “Your son rescued me in Africa a year ago, I’d been kidnapped.” Lilah briefly filled her in on the basic details. “When I came here last year, I’d found out....” she took a deep breath, “about Freddy. This is your grandson.”

Gloria looked stunned, “this is all so unexpected.” Was all she could offer.

Lilah nodded, “I know, and I’m sorry for that. But Quinn finally turned up a month ago; he had no idea either...”

                “He was in the UK?” She asked.

Lilah nodded, “he said he was planning to come see you, but think he got a bit overwhelmed by the news. He took off back to wherever it is he goes.”

Gloria’s hand was over her mouth, there were tears in her eyes, “and this is...” She looked at the baby.

Lilah unbuckled him and lifted him out, “this is Freddy, he’s five months old.” She smiled at Gloria, “would you like a cuddle?”

Gloria nodded and tried not to cry as she accepted and then looked at the blissfully unaware sleeping little boy, as she touched his hand, four chubby fingers curled around her slender one and she sighed, “He looks exactly like Quinn did!”

                “Really?” Lilah asked with interest, “I did wonder as he’s nothing like me!” It pleased Lilah to see this woman so happy, so enthralled with Freddy, at least someone appreciated them. It galled her that since leaving he’d made no contact. She knew she’d sent that email, but he’d never listened to her in the past; she honestly thought there’d be some form of attempt to speak to her, to ask about Freddy.

As they sat the conversation slightly awkward yet flowing, the door opened and a man walked in, this must be the second husband, she thought, the one who’d driven a younger Quinn away.

                “Gerald, you won’t believe this! This is Lilah, and this little darling is Freddy, my...our grandson. Quinn’s baby!”

Gerald an aggressive looking man shrugged with disinterest, “just like him to produce a bastard! Where is he? Is this another responsibility he’s shirked?”

Lilah immediately saw red, how dare he? Standing she took the baby from a distressed looking Gloria who whilst smiling apologetically made little effort to apologise for her husband’s outburst.

                “Excuse me, Gerald was it? I cannot believe how rude you can be to someone who is a complete stranger, it’s no wonder that Quinn doesn’t visit if this is how you talk to people! My son is not and will never be a bastard, though unfortunately for Gloria’s sake, he will never darken this door again either.” She turned to Gloria, “it seems that Quinn was right! I’m not surprised he doesn’t come home more often with you and your acerbic tongue, now please excuse me!”

Lilah was still angry as she drove out of the house. She had a little sympathy for Quinn now; he hardly appeared to be loved in that house. How can you love anyone if no one seemed to love you? Was that as simple as it was? Was this the sign that she shouldn’t give up on him? As she drove home to Cornwall her mind was awash with so many mixed emotions. Even when she was home she was confused, but whatever her quandaries, she knew that contacting him wasn’t something she would consider. He had to come back to her, that wasn’t her being stubborn, that was her needing him to make his own decisions. It all came back to the same thing. She wanted him to want her, as a woman, a partner, and not a mother of his child, or as a compromise.

Maria phoned that night, wondering if she’d organised her change of school, then regaling all the antics of her day. Lilah had done little to start the ball rolling, but she knew she could contact Mrs Munroe at home at any time. They’d be more than glad to have her in the village school, that wasn’t an issue. Lilah sighed, relieved at the distraction for a few moments, but also glad at the thought of no more traipses to London; her weekends would be her own! She smiled....then frowned, more time to be alone, moping! Nevertheless that was her next task on her to do list.

Two days later Freddy was sick. Lilah walked in to his nursery at nine o’clock, amazed that he was still asleep to see he’d vomited all over the cot and was clammy, and unresponsive. Lilah normally cool in a crisis panicked. Picking him up she was glad that he was warm and breathing, but that was as good as it got. Holding on to him she reached for her phone dialling 999.

The dispatcher informed her that an ambulance was on its way, but she could barely function as she came down the stairs, Freddy still cradled in her arms. A paramedic on a motorbike arrived within ten minutes, and took Freddy, assessing him, rifling in his back for needles, drugs...Lilah wrapped her arms around herself, never so scared, never so useless in her life. The paramedic started to relay information back to the main hospital thirty miles away and Lilah felt the room get darker and darker as the words meningitis and paediatric intensive care bed were bandied around.

With a sob, she called her mother, typically it went straight to answer phone. Suddenly she knew she had to contact Quinn. He needed to be there. What if...she shook her head, not wanting to even begin to think of anything other than getting her little man to hospital.  In the end an air ambulance helicopter picked them up, speeding to the bigger hospital over an hour away. She was pushed away from Freddy as three people cared for him. At that point she logged onto her email via her phone, and sent a brief message to Amir. Her only contact for Quinn.

                “Please tell Quinn Freddy very ill, Lilah.”

It was as much as she could manage with all the stress.

The hospital waiting room was sterile, a few plastic covered padded chairs, torn and doodled with pen surrounded a table topped with chipped Formica. Pamphlets on various surgical conditions sat in a rack, and next to it was a polystyrene cup, teeth prints embedded around the rim, dried black coffee stuck in the bottom.  Lilah studied everything, her thumbs constantly twirling the only outward sign to the trauma inside.  She’d already paced more times than she could count, the ‘tick...tick...tick’ of the clock only highlighting every second, every minute that she was away from her precious boy.

 It felt like hours that she’d been familiarising herself with that room, but eventually, a doctor appeared, a man in his fifties who spoke with some authority. He talked about Freddy being very sick, they were waiting for blood results, possibly meningitis, next 24 hours vital....it was all a confusion.

                “Can I see him?” she asked trying to fight the physical shakes that were threatening to overtake her.

                “Sure,” the older doctor assured her, but he then warned about drips, drains, ventilators.  As Lilah followed him along a corridor and into a white clinical room, then she froze, in the corner of the room was a small flat table, with her darling boy flat there, lifeless, attached to more equipment than she was prepared for, despite the doctor’s warning .

Her hand flew to her mouth, and she blinked furiously trying to stop the stream of tears that threatened to fall.

                “What....” her voice was shaky even to her own ears.

A young female nurse laid a hand over hers, “I’m Hayley, and I’m looking after Freddy. Let me explain everything.” As she talked several machines bleeped and Hayley adjusted things which silenced them expertly. For a moment Lilah relaxed.

                “Sit with him, talk to him, he’ll know you’re here.”

                “Really?”

Hayley nodded, “and it’ll help you stay sane.”

Hayley worked at her chart diligently whilst Lilah sat with Freddy, beside herself, exhausted, yet refusing to even think about leaving his side. It was over an hour later that the machines didn’t stop when Hayley fiddled, and suddenly the doctors all rushed around his bed. An older woman escorted Lilah back to that damned waiting room and the hell started all over again.

It was early evening, a whole working day had passed and she had no recollection of time, checking her phone she saw a message. Opening it she tried to smile, her parents were on their way, they were flying home, abandoning the camper van, something that her father would grill her over later when....if things got better.

Lilah couldn’t contemplate losing Freddy, it was only now as she waited for news, to hear if he was alive or dead that she realised how much she needed him, he was everything to her.

Her pacing seemed to increase in speed, as she fought the sinking feeling that everything was taking too long. Interminably long. Another hour and no news.

It was then the visitor room door opened, Lilah spun dreading and desperately needing to hear anything from the doctor. But instead, stood there looking as though he’d walked a thousand miles, all dirty and dishevelled, was Quinn.

The sound that escaped her mouth was a whimper, as desperate as it was spine chilling. Quinn flew across the room and caught her just as she collapsed in to a heap, her tears real sobs that Quinn could only absorb as he held her thanking any god that would listen that he’d crossed the strait to Gibraltar earlier that day. When the call had come in from Amir he was able to get a flight from the South of Spain far quicker than he would have from any airport in North Africa.

And that had been the longest two and a half hours of his life, along with the journey from the airport, frantically phoning every hospital under the sun to find out where his son had been admitted.  He’d thought that when he saw Lilah she’d be bouncing Freddy on her knee, but this pale gibbering wreck put the fear of that same god into him. And he knew he had to be strong for her, she looked absolutely washed out.

                “What’s happening?” he eventually asked as the heart-wrenching sobs started to ease.

Lilah was torn between feeling awful for unloading this on him, and relief at him being there to share the burden.

                “I don’t know, I was with him, then the doctors rushed in....it’s been so long!”

Quinn took her hands and looked deep into her eyes, “it’ll be ok, you’ll see, he’s a fighter like his mother. I’m sure.”

Half an hour later the doctor finally appeared, after introducing himself to Quinn, he explained that the infection Freddy had was making him sicker, but they’d changed antibiotics, altered his drugs, and he seemed to have stabilised again. He reiterated the importance of the next few hours though, just in case either of them might have an optimistic thought.

Quinn held her close as they were allowed back to see Freddy, and the physical pain, the shock at seeing his beautiful and vibrant little boy so...well words failed him. All he could do was cling to Lilah as desperately as she clung to him. It was going to be a long night.