Lost and Found - 8

8

Looking at Sol, she knew there was some truth in his words; she was glad that he was at least as affected by her presence as she was with his. He’d turned her life upside just by being there...she’d gone back to her father’s, she hadn’t even thought of her home in years, yet within days of seeing him she’d gone back and at least started to seek the truth, as opposed to what she had believed happened for so many years.

So was it unacceptable to think that he was challenging his own values and beliefs too?

                “If all this is true...”

                “It is.” He tried to offer a smile, “I envisaged a life with Helena because until you walked back into my life I honestly believed that was what I wanted. And now...” he took her hand again, “all bets are off. I’m not predicting the future, we’re both different people, we’re older, we’re wiser, and I’m not daft enough to think that out teenage love is everything, but I’m hoping that we can work on it and try to be friends.”

She nodded, hating the fact that she could feel tears welling, “you’re engaged Sol, we can’t be friends.”

                “I want everything with you Meal-ia, you misunderstand, three weeks ago the second I clapped eyes on you I knew I wanted more than friendship, I want everything...and as soon as I realised that I should’ve ended it with Helena. That’s what I did wrong, and I’m sorry for that.”

She digested that news for a moment, “you can’t end it because of me.”

Shaking his head he smiled, “but I want you more than her, as you said, she’s no consolation prize. I have to end it with her even if I never see you again. Don’t you see?”

Amelia was torn, the thought of Sol, actually being with him again, holding him, loving him, was more than her usually vivid imagination could conjure, “she’s so beautiful, why would you want me?”

He laughed, the first genuinely happy sound she’d heard all day, “you keep saying that, I know you and you are beautiful inside and out. I see you and you take my breath away, I can’t sleep, I can’t think, all I want is to be with you, to hear about your day, to dissect the last ten years...” He smiled, “I want to kiss you, I want to hold you...at eighteen I was scared of showing you how I felt, I let your father push me away, I’m not a teenager now, and I want to tell you exactly how I feel. And I promise Hot-Meal-ia, this is the first time I’ve felt this happy, the first time the future has seemed so obvious since then.”

Suddenly all her appetite had gone, her stomach churned and she had no idea what she thought about anything anymore.  Toying with her food she tried to take it all in, this is what she’d always dreamed of, Sol desperately wanting her, but nothing was ever that simple. Helena. That was the worst part of it all, no one deserved to be hurt so that she could be happy, that wasn’t fair was it? But, Sol was also right; he needed to end things with her if he didn’t love her. Poor Helena.

                “I’m not proud.” He offered quietly.

She nodded, “I can see that. It’s just so awful, if she loves you...she’ll be devastated.”

Agreeing he paused for thought, “But then I could have bumped into you at any time in the next fifty years, and the chances are I’d feel that way then. I wish I could change things. The thought of breaking her heart...” He groaned and lifted his eyes to the ceiling. “I have to tell her, there’s no other option.”

Amelia drank her wine; this was a deeper conversation than she ever anticipated. 

                “Tell me about what happened, after...you know?”

His question surprised her, but her memories of that fateful night were so precise, so clear, from the food she cooked, to what they both wore. After eating, a feast, and a couple of cheeky beers, they’d relaxed in the lounge with her new birthday film, bursting into laughter at one of the greatest performances by Jeff Bridges ever. Sol seemed to be laughing at her laughing, but that was ok. As the film came to an end, she manoeuvred herself slowly, trying to cuddle up to him, and when they shared a kiss, it quickly got out of control.

                “Whoa,” he finally pulled away from her, straightening both of their clothes.

                “I’m on the Pill Sol; I went to the doctor weeks ago.” She could see him gulp, anxiety causing him to lose his usual youthful exuberance.

                “What are you saying? This changes nothing.”

This had been the moment Amelia had dreaded, the moment when it could all go wrong. But she’d jumped to her feet and pulled off her top. Just like that.

Sol’s eyes were on stalks as she spoke, “I’m sixteen now Sol, I’m not a kid anymore!”

                “You were never a kid Hot-Meal-ia; I think you were born with more common sense than your average adult!”

                “You saying I’m boring?” she asked suddenly coy.

He stood and reached for her, “oh God, you are anything but boring, I just hope I don’t regret this!”

An hour later in the haven of her bedroom, as she curled naked against his bare chest, relishing the sensations of that exact moment, but also the memories of all that had happened, she’d honestly thought things could never get better.

Then the door had burst open, the overhead light had blazed on, and her father was there screaming at them.

Sol had remained cool, pulling on his shorts he’d stood and confronted her father, whilst she’d wanted to curl up and die under the duvet. Her father was puce, veins prominent in his neck, spittle flying out of his mouth as he continued a tirade of abuse at poor Sol. She’d never heard such foul words spout from one man as the diatribe continued, Sol had gone from pale, anxious to concerned, and then angry.

                “She’s sixteen Max, I love her. We’ve thought about this, it’s not a drunken impulse!”

She thought at that moment her father might explode, “LOVE! You little prick! You have no idea what you’re talking about! You stand here in your pants, and spout sonnets and love as the excuse for fucking my daughter!”

But then Sol exploded and she loved him more for defending her at that moment, “you are the man who has no idea! How dare you refer to her so cheaply? I do love her and she loves me, and that’s all that matters to us.”

                “You? You’re not worthy of cleaning her shoes! You’re scum Tanner, your father was a good man, but he would beat you himself if he was here now!”

Sol was desperate, Amelia could tell he was struggling to control his emotions, “you call me scum and don’t think that reflects on my father? I love Amelia, and we WILL be together, frankly Max there is nothing you can do about that!”

                “No?”

With that he manhandled Sol out of her room, and the lock of her door from the outside meant she couldn’t escape, or follow and protect Sol. And she’d not seen him again, until three weeks ago.

Smiling sadly she looked up at Sol, “the next morning, the door was finally unlocked. My Dad said you’d done a bunk in the night, a few hours later I noticed my jewellery missing, he said there was some cash gone too. Apparently you’d dropped your defence of me after leaving the room, agreed with my father that I was too young, apologised for abusing his trust...and the thing that probably hurt the most was that you’d told him that you’d made a mistake that you wouldn’t repeat again.”

                “You didn’t believe that did you?”

She sighed, “I didn’t want to, but then when you left. I just thought that I was a disappointment, that I’d put you off. That I was a failure!”

Once again he reached for her hands and forced her to look into his eyes, “that night was magical Meal, I’ve relived it so often that it’s as familiar as a childhood fairy story. I’ve never felt so close to anyone, never loved making love to anyone like I did that night. Yes we were both naive, inexperienced, but it was beautiful.”

                “Really?” her face lit up like a lantern. And when he assured her that he was no liar, she carried on, “well, after lunch he drove me to Scotland, to a private boarding school that was like something out of a Victorian film. Miles from anywhere. I hoped you’d contact me, wanted you to find me, rescue me really, but nothing. I didn’t visit my father until maybe two years later. He came to the school occasionally, but I contacted my mother’s sister Vi, she only lived an hour from school, so I spent weekends, holidays there.”

Sol ordered another bottle of wine, and once Pedro had delivered it and topped up their glasses, he added his take on things. “He threw me out. I had ten minutes to pack what I wanted, then he paid for me to stay in the bed and breakfast in town. Then that was it, I was out on my arse. He left me an envelope at the reception, saying you hated me and never wanted to hear from me again, and inside was the Big Lebowski. It crushed me Meal, it really did. Luckily I had a bank account that my father had left me, and the welfare team at the Uni were brilliant, sorted out money, accommodation.”

The silence was huge, Amelia felt so much pain, so much hurt for both of them, “I wondered where that had gone, the film. I couldn’t face watching it again for a long time, it was so long until I came back home that I presumed it had been thrown out with all the other things I’d left behind.”

Sol groaned, “he didn’t?”

She nodded sipping at her wine again.

                “Look, we can let this anger and resentment ruin our lives all over again, or we can have an enjoyable evening catching up.”

Saturday 28^th October 2007

I’m never drinking again! Amelia thought as she strived to open her eyes. She didn’t really suffer with hangovers, but the lack of sleep coupled with the stress of the week meant that she was absolutely shattered. Finally opening her eyes, her alarm clock read ten am, for an early bird like her this was more than a lie in. She used her Saturdays to catch up, and the missing hours already irked her.

But rolling onto her back she closed her eyes and lost herself in the memories the night before. After paying the bill, they’d walked into the High Street and found a wine bar, there they’d settled into a booth and shared bottle of wine as they compared their University days. His rampant days in London livelier than her far more conservative days in Oxford by a long way. She explained all that her job entailed, most people seemed fairly confused by the intricacies of hedge funds, and he had seemed genuinely interested.

Out in the street, the rain had finally stopped, but it had taken a while to find a taxi.

                “So what happens now?” she’d asked, looking up at his face, happy for the first time since she’d reacquainted with him.

It was then he’d placed an arm around her shoulder, the first real physical contact and the sensation was overwhelming.

                “Helena’s in Paris until Tuesday, I have to tell her in person,” he dropped the volume of his voice and leaned in close, “you understand that don’t you, Hot-Meal-ia?”

Turning to look up at him she tried to smile, “I feel really sorry for her; I know it won’t be easy.”

He sighed, “I know, but I have to do it, and then, only then can we see what happens. Ok?”

She nodded, but this close, this intimate she couldn’t resist lifting her lips to his.  For a moment the last ten years hadn’t happened and they were back in her father’s house, two desperate teenagers exploring each other ravenously. But Sol after a few seconds pulled back.

               

                “Oh God...” he stroked her cheek with his thumb, “you are very naughty!” She was too enthralled to blush and he smiled, “you have no idea what I want at this moment.”

She smiled, “I think I have a good idea!”

Laughing he kissed her forehead, “this is to special to cheapen, to make some sort of illicit affair, you can see that can’t you? We’ve got to wait until I’ve told her. We’re doing this right.”

She loved his resolve, the way he could see the bigger picture, when all she wanted was to melt into his arms. A taxi had arrived shortly after and he’d stood smiling as the car disappeared from view.

As Amelia stretched a bleep from her phone and pulled her from her reverie.

                “Hope you’re not too tired today, had a wonderful night! Can’t wait until I see you again, Sol.”

Grinning like a Cheshire cat, she typed frantically.

                “Lying in bed, thinking about what a great night it was. So glad we finally talked. Mx”

Tossing the phone across the bed, she rolled out and made for the bathroom. Showered and dressed she felt more alive and was examining a fridge to rival Old Mother Hubbard when she heard footsteps. Turning she smiled at Li.

                “Wow mate! What a great week you’ve had!” As the best friends hugged, Amelia asked, “so when do I get my signed book?”

Li chuckled, “a long way off yet, just need to hope that the publishers stick with me that long!”

Amelia’s mind instantly made the mental connection via her publishers to Sol, and she had to hide the smirk that threatened to erupt across her face.

                “You’re looking like the cat that got the cream Miss Parkin! Is this anything to do with a hot date last night...AND tonight?”

Amelia grinned, “last night was business, and today was a catch up with an old friend. No buying wedding hats yet!”

Despite laughing she almost hid away from her friend. She’d never lied or not shared everything with her best friend, but the last thing she wanted was to influence her relationship with Helena or jeopardise the deal she’d strived so hard to achieve. Nope, she thought as she pulled out some eggs for an omelette, you’re definitely on your own in this.