He'll Come Through - 28 - Is this goodbye?

28 - Is this goodbye?

Lilah felt her heart sink, the last thing any of them needed was this confrontation now. She was so emotionally exhausted, so fraught, that she couldn’t imagine arguing with Quinn or his mother.

She glanced at Freddy and half smiled, “Want a cuddle in bed? Or shall we go to Gran’s house? I don’t think we need to be here for this!” As she was scooping him up to escape, the door flew open and an angry Quinn stood there.

                “This is your fault! So you can deal with her!”

Lilah shook her head, and prodding him in the chest, she set loose all her anger, “No Quinn! This is all your doing! Do you think that the fact that you won’t deal with me, with your son has nothing to do with your inability to manage all that happened with your mother?” She kicked the door open and pointed at Gloria, “that is your mother, and for God only knows how many years you’ve avoided her because of childhood differences and the fact you hate her husband. So I suggest you tell her, and sort that out between yourselves, because if things don’t change, then neither of you will see me or Freddy ever again. It’s pathetic.”

She turned to Quinn’s mother, “your son resents your husband, and after meeting him last week I can see why that is. In his life he’s scared of getting close to anyone because he feels betrayed by you, and you should have consciously made your choice years ago. Frankly you both need to sort this out; otherwise he’s going to die a sad and lonely old man.”

She kissed Freddy’s nose, then turned back to the stunned Quinn and Gloria, “there is no way I’m bringing Freddy up with all this bullshit and emotional baggage, so as I say sort it out. I’m going to my mother’s, and you’re both more than welcome to join us, but you come together with this estrangement behind you, or not at all!”

With that she left the house, ignoring the fact she was still in her pyjamas and robe.

As usual, her parent’s house smelled of baking, the Aga was warming the kitchen and despite the sunny day, it wasn’t unbearable.

                “And how’s my favourite little man?” he mother rushed over to reach for her grandson.

Lilah passed him over smiling, “there was a time when you were glad to see me!”

Her mother cooed at the baby for a moment before turning to Lilah, “There’s usually a reason why you turn up here before you’ve got dressed. Argued with Quinn?”

Lilah raised her eyebrows in a ‘driving me mad’ gesture. Her mother was astute, she seemed to be more aware of things than Lilah herself was, and it amazed Lilah how had she missed seeing this when she was growing up? Was parenthood making her wiser? Sighing she was glad to offload Freddy for a moment, then turn to make coffee in contemplative mood.

                “Penny for them?” her mother offered as she over stirred the mug.

Lilah sighed; she was doing a lot of that lately, “Quinn’s mother turned up, so I told them both to sort out their differences or I’d not see either of them again.”

                “Wise words,” her mother agreed, “I know what you’re thinking that his reluctance to commit goes back to his unhappy childhood. All I know is that the man is besotted with you and I’m not sure how long he can go on lying to himself. It will all work out.” She assured her daughter.

                “After all that’s happened I’m not sure I’ve got the energy for the effort of it all Mum.”

Rose laid a hand on Lilah’s forearm, “you do look shattered, but then I bet you barely slept all that time in hospital. You’ll get over this, but it is such a shock for you seeing Freddy so sick.” She lifted up one of his hands, still bruised from the injections and IV lines that had adorned his body and kissed it. “But this little guy is strong, and you can’t fall apart now chicky, ok?”

Lilah nodded and smiled, “I know, I’m just fed up with everything Mum, I mean for the last eighteen months I’ve had nothing but hard times, sometimes you just want an easy ride, you know?”

Her mother gave a half laugh, “I kind of think that everything happens for a reason darling, and there will be greater good for all this heartache. I honestly believe that.”

Lilah was curled up on the sofa under her mother’s hand knitted blanket dozing, Freddy asleep on another chair whilst her mother hummed along to the radio, ironing when there was a knock at the door.

                “Stay there love, I’ll get the door.”

After a few minutes her mother still hadn’t returned, so Lilah headed out into the hallway. There leaning against the door frame was Quinn, he was talking earnestly to her mother.

                “She’s checked into the bed and breakfast, all I want is to see your daughter Rose.”

                “I know Quinn, she’s fine, but she’s tired. She’s my baby and I need to look after her. Go back to the house; she’ll come back to you when she’s ready. OK?”

Lilah crept back into the lounge, hiding under the blanket. Her mother was right, she just needed some time, some space...some rest.  She was asleep before her mother returned to the room.

It was cool when she woke, and opening her eyes, Lilah realised she’d been asleep for a while. She ached from lying awkwardly on the small sofa, and had to ease herself into standing.

Freddy wasn’t there, but she wasn’t concerned, her mother hadn’t let him out of her sight in her home, she’d be showing him off somewhere.  She stretched then thought about her day. Had Quinn really sorted things with his mother? Gloria must have decided to come and make good with her and with a desire to see Freddy, she had no idea that Quinn would be there. That was a good sign. Lilah wanted them to work it out, Quinn deserved it, and she didn’t want her son to grow up not knowing his family.

Personally, she was building up to the moment he walked away, steeling her heart and mind, because despite her mother’s words, she couldn’t share that optimism, she had no real believe that he’d stay, that he’d want her. She was fed up with it all; she just wanted to forge on with her life, with Maria and Freddy. And for that she needed him to leave.

So with a greater resolve, she searched for her mother, only to find a note, she’d gone into the village. Finding some bacon in the fridge, she fried a few slices before buttering two thick slices of homemade bread and making an enormous bacon sandwich with ketchup. She was suddenly ravenous. Then taking a deep breath, she headed out into the sunshine, still wearing her pyjamas.

Letting herself in through the back door, she made straight for the shower. After an invigorating blast from the powerful shower she felt much better. Wrapping her damp hair up in a clip, she pulled on some loose cotton shorts and a sleeveless top, then started to sort out the innumerable gifts that had been left in her house over the last few days.

A large chicken pie was in the oven as fresh vegetables steamed on the hob when she heard the door open. Looking up she saw Quinn standing there looking pale and stressed.

                “Hey,” she offered. “You ok?” When he shrugged she added, “Have you seen Freddy?”

He nodded, “he’s with your mother and mine up in the village. Who’d have thought our mothers would get on like a house on fire.”

                “Really?” He nodded, then she smiled, “and you?”

He pulled out a chair and sat on it, sighing before he finally looked at her, “you were right, there was a lot unsaid. I can’t just get over it all, but I am trying.”

Lilah nodded and took one of his hands, “it’ll take time, but hopefully it’ll mean you can stop running, decide what you want from life.”

                “I want you, and Freddy, Blondie, I know that now.”

She held up a hand to silence him, “you’re not ready for that Quinn. We both know that.”

                “What do you mean? I want to be with you...”

Lilah shook her head, “until you want to disappear again!” She tried to smile, “look we’ve had a traumatic week, it’s been more worrying than anything I’ve ever known. But you weren’t ready to commit to me before Freddy being ill, so you’re definitely not ready for this now.”

He stared at her wide eyed, “what does that mean?”

Shrugging she stood to check on dinner, “it means that in particular you need to sort things out with your mother. I’ve got to organise Maria coming home, there’s school, work....life. You’ll know when it’s right, and if you want to come back then, then I’ll be waiting. I’ll always be waiting Quinn, but then you know that.”

They are in silence, each time Quinn tried to question her, she shook her head, “you have to believe me Quinn. I can’t have you promising me everything then leaving me high and dry.” She placed a hand over her heart, “I’ve had too much heartbreak the last eighteen months, I honestly don’t think I can handle anymore.”

Her mother arrived later, and Quinn after hugging his son, left against his judgment, and as the door closed, Lilah collapsed in tears, the whole story coming out in slow long sobs.

Rose was full of how devoted Gloria had been with Freddy, they’d all had lunch together, and Quinn’s mother was devastated at the recent events, she had no idea that Freddy had been ill, and she was mortified at her husband’s behaviour. She’d left for the hotel so regretful that it seemed to have upset her own mother.

A week later she had the return trip to travel to Boston, then bring Maria straight back. She was reluctant to leave Freddy for that long, but she refused to think of Maria travelling alone. Whilst Lilah had told the grandparents about Freddy’s illness, they’d not stressed Maria out, as no one wanted her to worry. So as they sat side by side on the flight home part of the conversation was about Freddy being in hospital. She wasn’t overly concerned, but was quite enthusiastic about all that happened in the four weeks since she’d been away.

The flight passed quickly and Maria loved being thrown back into Lilah’s family, her ‘grandparents’ and Freddy all making a fuss. She slept early, which was a good thing as they only had a week until school started, and she needed to get over her jetlag. It wasn’t so simple for Lilah.

                “Why don’t you call him?” her mother offered for the umpteenth time. “Just to see how he is, update him on Freddy? He might be waiting for you to make the first move.”

Lilah was determined and adamant over this, “I don’t want a half arsed effort Mum, I want all or nothing, and he has to make that choice. And anyway I kind of think that if he’s still with his mother then that’s good for him. I want him to sort his head out even if that doesn’t include me.”

Her mother shook her head knowingly, “but what about you? You’re pale, lethargic; you look like you haven’t slept for weeks. I’m YOUR mother, and I’m worried about you.”

                “There’s nothing wrong with me Mum, I’m fine....”

Spotting her daughter’s hesitation Rose raised an eyebrow, “what is it? Are you ok?”

Lilah gave a watery smile, “I’m late. Very late.”

Her mother visibly paled, “Delilah! What the hell?”

                “Look Mum, we were careful...I don’t know what happened.”  Lilah had long since thought back to that last time, the goodbye in the shower and rued both her misfortune and Quinn’s apparent virility, but it seemed she’d been caught out twice.