Trying Not to Love You - Part Forty Six

Chapter Forty Six

 

Sonny stared at the screen, for all that he’d seen, for all that he knew, he had still half hoped that Scott Oldbury would walk back into their world at any point. It would mean that he’d know, about Ethan which would be hell, but he’d be alive, and they wouldn’t be staring at his photo on the TV news. But he wasn’t and they were.  He felt before he saw Martha crumple, and turning to her he pulled her into his arms. Caring for her, supporting her made it easier to forget.

                “You ok?” He asked when she stopped crying, wiped at her eyes.

She shrugged, “it’s like everything I ever wanted, Scott off the scene, I wouldn’t have to hide Ethan anymore. But he’s Ethan’s father. For all his faults, for the bastard that he was, Ethan will never know him.” She sighed, “and that doesn’t make sense because I hate him, and there was never any chance I was going to let them meet.”

He stroked her hair, “I think it’s ok to feel bad, maybe a bit guilty, I mean you wouldn’t be the only person who wished him dead. But wishing doesn’t make things happen. He was involved in more than just vandalising your dad’s place. The underworld has a way of policing itself, and a single gunshot...that’s a premeditated thing.”

Martha shuddered, “poor Scott. He didn’t deserve that. No one does.”

Sonny nodded, “you’re right.”

They sat in silence for a little while, and the air of sadness followed them to bed. Lying together Martha clung to Sonny for strength and support, feeling as though someone had thrown her world up into the air and she was trying to catch all the pieces and failing. She’d lived in fear for five years, suddenly that fear was gone. She was free of him, of the threat of him. She could do what she wanted. That had always meant going home to her father, but the way that he had spoken to her that morning made her doubt that she could do that. She wasn’t a teenager, and she wasn’t about to succumb to him rule, just as she wouldn’t to Scott’s. But the fact that she no longer needed to hide, the face that she could tell everyone about Ethan pleased her, it was a relief. He deserved better.

It was in the early hours that she was woken by Sonny, thrashing and groaning beside her. Shaking him gently she was rewarded with his eyes popping open in sudden recognition.

                “You ok? Think you were having a nightmare.”

Sonny stared at Martha, the last thing he remembered was drowning, hellish faces from the past merging with Oldbury, and then the man he’d just discovered was his father. All of it seemed to conspire to take over his sanity. He took a few deep breaths, feeling his racing heart pounding in his chest, the sweat slick on his forehead. For a moment he let her arms encircle him, let her hold him as he tried to make the step from the fantasy of a nightmare, to the reality of the dark bedroom. And with that reality came the shame, the guilt, the feelings of inadequacy that he fought on a daily basis. There was nothing more terrifying for Sonny that being exposed and vulnerable. So he jumped up, stormed out of the bedroom.

He was in the kitchen drinking a large glass of water when Martha found him, and she moved behind him, placing her arms around his waist, resting her cheek against his bare back.

They stood there together for a long moment before he turned in her arms and held her close. He couldn’t let her get suspicious, couldn’t let her know where he’d been, what he’d done. He couldn’t bear to see her hate him.

So instead, he lowered his head, his lips finding hers, wrapping them both up, consuming themselves with passion, it was the only way to guarantee sleep, and the only way he could fell his mind with positive thoughts.

Martha woke early and made her way upstairs to Stephanie’s. There was an internal connecting door, but neither used that for fear of disturbing the other. Instead she knocked the door and waited for her godmother to answer.

                “Hi,” Stephanie offered awkwardly. “Come in?”

Martha nodded, following her into the lounge.

                “I wanted to say sorry for last night.” Stephanie offered, “you were right. I’m scared of losing Ethan, and you of course. I’ve got used to having you both here.”

                “And we both appreciate you for everything you’ve done. We love you...”

Stephanie sat opposite her on the sofa, “I sense a ‘but’ coming.”

She nodded, “we always intended to do more, to move on when the time was right.”

                “And it is now? Because of him?” She couldn’t contain the snarl as she referred to Sonny, and it grated on Martha’s nerves.

                “You honestly think I’d uproot Ethan on a whim? I love Sonny, I really do. He’s good for me, despite what everyone thinks, but that doesn’t mean that I’m ready to put him above Ethan, NO one matters to me more.” Martha tried to restrain her emotion; the last thing she wanted was to shout.

                “But you said you’re moving on.”

She shook her head, “I said that ONE day we’ll be moving on.”

Martha leaned forward, her head in her hands, and sighed, learning of Scott dying, she shuddered at the thought, was all so new, she had no idea what that meant for her. She had always thought he’d go to prison, or move away, and that might open up some freedom for Ethan, she never imagined he’d die...or rather be killed.

Tears pricked at her eyes, and she hated that. She hated him, but she didn’t wish this on him, at no point.  Did she?

                “What is it?” Stephanie moved forward, “what’s the matter?”

Martha finally lifted her head, “haven’t you seen the news? It was on last night. Scott was found dead yesterday.”

                “What?!” Stephanie jumped to her feet, and crossed the room towards her, then got up and stormed away to the window. “How...”

Martha stood and joined her at the window, the busy London street giving a mundane comfort in the midst of all this confusion. “All it said was that he was found a few miles out of town, killed. Shot.”

                “Shit!” Stephanie spun to face her, “I mean I know he was a bastard, that he beat you...but murdered? That’s crazy.”

Martha nodded, “I know, really crazy. And I thought it would make me happy...”

                “But it doesn’t?”

She shrugged, “I feel sad, that he never knew about Ethan, that Ethan will never know him. I mean he was a bastard, he was a continual threat to me, to him...but it’s the only father he’ll ever have, and he’s gone.”

                “Do you wish they’d met?”

Martha groaned, “in my heart yes, just so that Ethan could deal with it, know him, but I also know in my head that it would never have happened.” Taking a deep breath she fought a sob, “and I hate that I can never tell him, not see his face as he realised what he had missed out on, that his beautiful son had no idea who he was. That was always going to be my trump card...”

Stephanie pulled her into her arms and the two women hugged, and it wasn’t until Martha opened her eyes that she spotted Ethan and Sonny on the street outside, Ethan ready for school, both looking up at her.

She hated that he saw her cry, but there was nothing she could do about that. Instead she offered a watery smile.

Stephanie followed her eyes and scowled, “I suppose the three of you are running off into the sunset now.”

Martha took Steph’s hands, “I want you to like him, you will like him, I know it. And no, we’re not disappearing, I want to take Ethan home, spend more time with him, and then there’s Michael, Scott’s father. He may find comfort in Ethan; he’s his grandson after all.”

Stephanie looked devastated, “what about me?”

                “I’m not rushing into anything, I promise, but I’m not hiding anymore. Will you come to Carrowbrooke with me?”

Stephanie shook her head, “I won’t be welcome there Martha, but thank you anyway.”

                “I need to get Ethan breakfast, then take him to school. Can we talk when I get back?”

Out in the street the two boys were behaving in their usual juvenile way, kicking piles of leaves and rushing up and down the pavement. They both paused when they saw her coming down the steps.

                “Are we really going out for breakfast?”

Martha nodded, sliding her hand into his, “yup, then we’ll walk you to school. Ok?”

“You were upset earlier.” Sonny’s voice was quiet near her ear as they watched Ethan disappearing into his classroom.

Martha waved to her son, and then looked up at Sonny, “of course I am. There’s a lot going on.”

                “You’re well shot of him.”

She nodded, biting the inside of her cheek to ward off another round of tears, “but he was murdered! Not a heart attack, or hit by a car, but killed. He’s a man I was going to marry, and the father of my child. Surely I’m allowed to feel upset?”

He shook his head in disbelief, “the man raped you, beat you and humiliated you. You’ve lived in fear of him for five years, away from the people who love you. You should be relieved, pleased even.”

                “He’s still a person, no one deserves that.”

He laughed sardonically, “you don’t get shot by accident in this country, and let’s be honest, he lived by the sword, look at how he threatened the farm, what about the arson? I mean anyone could have died with that.”

                “Doesn’t mean he deserved to be killed like that.”

He nodded, “that’s true, no one does, but after hearing what he did to you, I’d have turned a gun on him if I had one. He’s probably created a trail of destroyed lives, so there could be any number of people wanting revenge. It’s not great, but there’s nothing to feel guilty about, ok?”

She shook her head, “I’m not guilty, I’m angry, and resentful and furious that he never paid for what he did, that I never had the chance to seek MY revenge.”

By now the tears were flowing again, she hated that she was so emotional, but she was finding it hard to put into words, “I’ve been scared of him so long, I think I always wanted revenge...and now I’ll NEVER have it. I feel cheated that I’ll never be able to look him in the eye...”

As she dissolved into tears there in the busy London street, he pulled her into his hands, holding her head against his shoulder, his fingers stroking her head.

                “You had the greatest revenge darling, I promise, he never met that lovely kid, that’s worse than anything else you could have done. You are laughing the hardest, ok?”

She nodded, whimpering, letting him comfort her, she hated the conflict that the news had caused, she should be happy, she should feel free. The fact she didn’t made her feel worse. But Sonny’s arms around her, his lips on her forehead, all made her feel secure, safe, and that was what she needed, more than anything.