Trying Not to Love You - Part Forty Three

Chapter Forty Three

Martha kept checking the door. It was well after ten, without Sonny she had to keep Paul on, he relied heavily on his family for babysitting, so she always let him go early. But just her and Sam, a teenager, were no match if anything went wrong, and whilst there were people drinking, the capacity for things to go wrong was very evident.

For the tenth time she called him, this time leaving a message, “Carter you’re supposed to be here helping me out, we’re struggling without you. Hope nothing is wrong. Call me?”

But she could do no more.

Fifteen minutes later the door opened and Sonny walked in, he had a haunted look in his eyes, and he’d been drinking, she could tell, also instead of his suit that he usually wore to work he was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Rushing over to him, concerned for his wellbeing, she had to fight the urge to wrap her arms around him protectively.

                “Carter, you ok? I’ve been phoning you.”

He nodded, “something cropped up.”

It was the first time he’d let her down, everyone had an off day and it looked to her that he was tormented by something.

                “Can I help?”

He turned to her, uncaring that the restaurant was full of revellers, “bloody hell Martha, you can’t solve EVERYthing.”

Then he stormed to the bar and poured himself a large vodka, throwing most of it down his throat. She ignored the pain that his snap had caused; he wasn’t himself, that much was obvious.

                “Don’t you think you’ve had enough?”

He shook his head and refilled his glass.

                “Ok. Well why don’t you go in the office? I’ll call you if I need you?”

He looked at her for a moment, then at the other staff who were hovering. Giving himself a shake he put the glass down and turned to Paul, “sorry mate, my bad, you two head off, I’ll help Martha.”

Sam and Paul both looked at Martha who was trying to judge the situation, “yeah, we’ll be fine. You guys go.”

And she was right, Sonny did behave, he was courteous, helpful, even assisted someone who’d drunk too much out to a waiting taxi. But he didn’t smile, and he didn’t look at her. When the last people left, she turned to see him industriously clearing tables and repositioning the furniture.

                “You ok? You’re quiet.”

He looked up and gave a grimace, “I’ve done as you’ve asked of me, isn’t that enough?”

                “I don’t make demands of you Carter, I never have!”

He laughed again, “I do everything you ask, I move into your Dad’s room, give up my freedom, I even stopped smoking because you hate it...not that you noticed.”

Martha hadn’t realised, but it did make her smile, though that wasn’t the response that was called for.

                “Are you laughing at me?”

She sighed walking towards him, reaching out, needing him close to her; she didn’t want to fight anymore, “I thought we were friends, more than that. I just thought you’d want to talk to me. I’m sorry, for the rest.”

With a grunt of forced laughter he looked at her, “friends?” He gave a shrug, “seems that’s only when it suits you.”

                “What?” His anger and distance unsettled her.

He sighed, “we’re together yet no one knows, you’re still ashamed of me Martha, I know that, and I’m fed up with it. You need to decide what you want from life, cos I don’t think it’s me.”

                “Where’s all this come from? I thought things were good, we’re happy.”

He reached for his coat, “things are GREAT! I love being snubbed on a continuous basis. If you change your mind, if you can cope with people knowing that this scumbag is the man that you choose to sleep with when it takes your fancy, then come tell me...”

She gasped at the self loathing in his voice, but as she opened her mouth, floundering for the right words he walked away from her.

And then he was gone.

 Martha hadn’t slept. But then she was never going to without Sonny at her side. She still couldn’t fathom all that had happened the previous night. He’d been distant, distracted, then there was the anger, and after that he left her to lock up, to walk home alone. That was so unlike the man who was usually so protective of her.

It was before six am, and she was in the kitchen with a coffee, her laptop turned on, catching up with life. She had a few emails, viewed a few photos of friends, posted on facebook, then she looked at what her fave celebs were up to, on twitter. But it still didn’t pass much time.

She climbed the stairs and burst into his bedroom, he couldn’t avoid her any longer, she would have this out with him. But she paused on the threshold, the room was empty, the bed not slept in. Tears sprung at her eyes, the frustration at this man was killing her.

She loved him, loved him like she’d never loved anyone else, not because he was part of her like her family, but because he’d weaved his way into her heart. She had no idea how she was going to leave him, how she was going to give him up when she left town, without it breaking her heart. She had to find him, try to work things out.

The coach house.

It came to her in a flash, and still in just her pyjamas she sprinted through the house, out through the utility room, through the feed room past the sleeping animals, and up the stairs to the first floor bedroom.

But it was empty.

Groaning she moved back to the kitchen, disappointment like a weight on her shoulders.

                “What’s wrong? I’m worried about you.”

She looked up to see Lucy sat at the kitchen table, her usual pre-breakfast cigarette burning in the ashtray in front of her.

Martha shrugged, “nothing. You want breakfast?”

Lucy shook her head, “you appearing dressed like that from the outhouse...Sonny’s room empty, bed un-slept in...presume he didn’t sleep in with you again last night and he’s missing?”

Martha stopped dead in her task of making coffee then turned to Lucy, “I don’t know what you mean...”

Lucy laughed, “really? I’m not stupid darling, and I’m not blind. You two are like two halves of a whole, he’s clearly besotted with you, and you’re trying not to feel the same.”

Shaking her head at the ridiculously correct suggestions of her Aunt, Martha lowered her eyes, and it caused Lucy to laugh.

                “Bloody hell Martha, you’re a big girl; you don’t need to hide hits.”

She could deny it, but she knew that she couldn’t, “I...I...” she sighed, “he wants everyone to know. He disappeared angry.” Finally confessing made things SO much easier almost immediately.

                “You argued?” When she nodded Lucy smiled, “he wouldn’t cut off his nose to spite his face you know. If he wants everyone to know that he loves you...” she smiled again as her niece turned almost purple with embarrassment. “...then he’s not going to walk out on you.”

                “That’s what I thought...before he walked out.” She looked at the ceiling to fight the tears that threatened her eyes.

                “You told him that you love him?”

Martha bit her lip then shook her head, “he was fine yesterday morning...but last night. He didn’t turn up to work...then he just picked for a fight...”

Lucy took a long drag on the cigarette then exhaled slowly before she spoke, “so maybe something happened, maybe he was already upset, you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

Martha’s eyes lit up, “you think?”

Lucy shrugged, “it makes more sense...” She looked at Martha and smiled, “doesn’t mean you are treating him well. He deserves better.”

Martha sighed, “I’m scared Aunty, really scared.”

                “He’s not Scott darling, he may have a record, he may have a dark past, but he’s a good man. I read him wrong, I know that.”

Swiping at a tear, she looked at Lucy imploringly, “but I need him here, helping Dad, it’s the only way I can get back to Ethan, he needs me more.”

Lucy nodded, “that’s true, the boy should be here with his family rather than with ‘her’.” Lucy hated Stephanie, not that Martha knew why. “It won’t be easy for you Martha, juggling things, but then you’re juggling distance, breaking your heart every day, how much harder can it get?”

                “When did you get so worldly? When did you become the queen of relationships?”

Lucy laughed out loud, “I wasn’t always a spinster...and let me tell you there are a fair share of men at my bingo nights...and the over sixties nights. Some of them are really good dancers too!”

Martha hugged her, resting her head against her shoulder, loving the feel of Lucy’s hand stroking her hair, “why have we never spoken more?”

                “Because I was always the grouchy disciplinarian. Your Dad was the soft touch.”

It took a few hours to clean the restaurant and prepare for the evening. It was a quiet night, only ten tables booked, so before leaving she called Paul. He was happy to manage the other two waitresses for the evening, it’d give her a night off, and she wasn’t up to working, she was still feeling emotionally ragged.

Helen text her most weekends asking her to join them for a few drinks for a variety of reasons, but what with the increasingly frequent London trips and the new busy parties at the restaurant, she’d hardly been able to fit anything in. But now that she wasn’t working, and felt in need of cheering up, she agreed that she may join her friends for a drink that evening. She toyed with the idea of heading to London early, but she wasn’t ready to walk out on Sonny yet, she wanted to give him the night to talk to her.

                “You look nice, you going out?” Her father asked as he found Martha applying mascara in the small mirror in the kitchen.

She nodded, “I am. Some of the girls are meeting for a few drinks, thought I’d go along. What you up to?”

He grinned, “Eamonn, Bill, Dave and Pete are coming around for a poker game. Kind of glad you’re not here.”

She laughed, “charming. Where’s Lucy?”

As if on cue the older woman appeared from the lounge. “The bloody church hall has flooded, they’ve cancelled dancing.”

Her father’s face dropped at the thought of his elderly house mate cramping his style, so Martha chirped up, “well seeing as you’re all dressed up, why don’t you come to the pub with me? We can have sherry and a few packets of crisps. I believe there may be karaoke later.”

Aunt Lucy made a big deal of rolling her eyes and groaning, but she nodded her head and agreed with a sparkle in her eyes.

As usual the clientele had gone to town for a Saturday night in a small town pub. Where most people should be in jeans and a t-shirt, here the women wore dresses, heels, skin tight leggings and tops that displayed their cleavage. All so obvious. Sonny rolled his eyes as he walked into the building. He’d spent the day walking, and walking. Which was better than the previous day.

He’d stormed out of the restaurant, uncaring that he had hurt Martha and headed out of town, never more pleased to see a taxi. He’d let himself into Johnny’s empty flat and bunked down for the night, but not before finishing the bottle of vodka he’d taken from the restaurant.

He’d slept after that, of a fashion. If being blind drunk qualified as sleep. But since waking the pain had returned and no amount of walking had made it go away. 

All his life he’d wanted a father, and since his mother died he had wanted a family, someone to care about him. The last six months he’d finally got it, finally found all that he’d wanted with the Mansell’s, they’d been more generous than blood relations would have been, they’d been amazing. But twenty four hours earlier he’d realised that he had real family, and that could throw everything up in the air. No one was going to appreciate his news.

Sonny sighed; he’d spent a lifetime running from the trauma of his youth, the beatings, the fights, the...worse. The last month or so, since Martha had become a part of him, he’d not had nightmares, he’d slept. The demons were beaten away by how she made him felt. And all that would change. There was no other option.

                “The usual?”

The voice of the barmaid pulled him from his web of self pity and hatred. “Please. Large.”

The woman nodded and placed the drink in front of him. Until that moment he didn’t realise how much he needed it. Draining the glass he slammed it back down on the counter and sighed, “same again please Pam.”

She nodded and obliged.

With the second drink in his hand he turned to face the busy pub. As usual there were a lot of eyes on him, some things never changed. But he was tired of that now. It seemed he was the only person who didn’t give a shit what anyone thought of him. Martha cared, Martha hated what people thought. Martha.

He shook the fuzz from his head, he’d hurt her, he hated that. But wasn’t it easier to push her away before she hated him? And she would hate him; she was already embarrassed to be seen with him, when she found out...he groaned. What a mess.

Glancing around the room his eyes immediately locked on to hers. He drank her in for a moment, until he saw the pain, the pain he’d caused. Dropping his eyes, he turned back to the bar.

                “Another Pam...please.”

Martha felt a hand on her arm, and looking down she saw Aunt Lucy’s fingers wrapped around hers. “He’s here.” Martha nodded, and Lucy added, “go talk to him.”

                “If he wants to talk be would have come home today...and he wouldn’t want to talk here.”

Lucy smiled, “they say actions speak louder than words.”

She turned to her Aunt horrified, “what are you trying to say?”

Lucy shrugged, “he thinks you’re ashamed to be seen with him. You could prove you’re not.”

Martha’s eyes flicked from her Aunt’s face to the back of Sonny, the angry tense shoulders, the free hand that wasn’t gripping his glass was curled into a fist. He was having some trouble, he’d tell her if he wanted, when he wanted, but there was a way to show him she supported him, that she loved him.

Standing, she nodded to Lucy, “you are right.”

On quaking legs she crossed the room towards him.