Trying Not to Love You - Part Seventy Three

Chapter Seventy Three

Three groups of people had entered the pub by seven o’clock and looked intent on having a good night. Sonny smiled, being busy was exactly what he wanted, and definitely what he needed. Smiling at the woman stood in front of him holding a wad of notes and wearing a “Hen Party” banner and tiara, he asked, “what can I do for you?”

                “Ooh, a lot!” Said the woman to her left, “you could do a lot for all of us, couldn’t he Ange?”

The woman who he presumed was the bride-to-be in this situation smiled awkwardly, “sorry, they’re not always like this!”

Sonny grinned, “you’re having fun, if you can’t on your hen night when can you?” He reached for a bottle of some wondrous green liqueur, “have a shot...on the house.”

He filled a dozen small plastic glasses with the green apple smelling liquid and the women all gushed excitedly, tossing the drinks down their throats.

                “We’ll have champagne,” the bride offered with a grin, “thanks.”

Sonny pulled a forty pound bottle of fizz from the fridge and smiled, you had to speculate to accumulate, and he’d just given a couple of free shots and a little flirtation and was about to reap the rewards. Life was good.

It was at that moment that he sensed someone entering the room, when he looked up he saw Martha, he almost had extrasensory perception when it came to her. He didn’t believe in ghosts, but for a moment he wondered if she’d seen one. She looked dreadful, she’d been pale, tired when she left, but she looked horrendous, deathly pale, wide dark eyes terrified, and if he wasn’t mistaken, she was shaking, like a leaf. Ethan looked bewildered, his hand clamped in hers, he was clearly confused and something clearly had happened. Glancing around he wondered where his staff were, and rued the busyness of the early evening at that moment. Giving an apologetic smile at a man waiting in the other side of the bar for a drink, he rushed over to her, taking her shoulder in his hand.

                “What’s happened? Are you ok?”

She gave her head a shake, her wide eyes dry of either emotion or tears, he’d never seen her so exposed, so raw, so defeated.

Someone tapped the bar behind him, and he turned to see three people waiting for drinks, Where was Pam? She was due to start at seven. He glanced at the clock, it was ten to.

                “Go upstairs, ok? I’ll come up as soon as I can.”

She nodded mutely before finally speaking, “don’t tell anyone I’m here.”

He nodded, “of course. I’ll be as quick as I can.”

Pam did arrive, but they were both inundated for half an hour as the pub filled far earlier than he’d ever noticed in the times he’d frequented as a punter. As he finally had a moment, he turned to the older experienced bar maid and nodded towards the door to the living quarters.

                “I need to dive upstairs; I’ll be as quick as I can. Buzz me if it’s too hectic?”

As she nodded he noticed Carl and Stephanie at the door, both looked, well he could only describe it as frazzled, they’d done something to her. Turning back to the Pam he added insistently, “NO one comes upstairs, ok?”

She nodded, “of course.” Then turned back to the waiting patrons.

Sonny felt dread with every step that he climbed up to his new home. The living quarters were huge, three large rooms, an industrial quality kitchen and a huge lounge/dining room that was half the size of the pub downstairs, and that was where he found Martha.

She was sat on the sofa, a sleeping Ethan beside her, his head on her lap, and she was stroking his hair in a mindless fashion.

Standing in the doorway he took in the scene for a moment, he was genuinely scared, only Martha had the ability to illicit that reaction in him. Pure fear on her behalf.

She must have heard him approach as she looked up, those haunted eyes searching his.

                “What the hell has happened?”

She sighed, “my dad...”

He nodded, “what about him?”

                “I went home, I found him...in your old room...with Stephanie.”

It took several moments for him to process the intimation in her words. “Shit, Carl and Stephanie...?”

She nodded, “the image is SO vivid.”

For a moment he wondered what was so wrong. After all both her father and Steph were single, and they were anything but strangers. And this was a world where a lot of people never found a soul mate. But then he looked at his soul mate Martha, the only reason they weren’t together was through interference of others, especially those very two. He sighed, THAT was why she was so angry...part of it, the hypocrisy of it all. And he was angry himself now, who were they to dictate, then do what they did. The old Sonny wouldn’t have given a shit, but this new caring Sonny did, more than anything.

Crossing the room he squatted in front of her, “shit. I can’t believe that.”

She nodded, and sensing his empathy, she hated that the tears finally started to well.

Lifting Ethan’s head he allowed her to slide out from under him and replaced her legs with a pillow, then he pulled her to her feet.

                “Come here.” In his arms she let go, crying tears for a million reasons, willingly allowing tears to soak his t-shirt. It was several minutes before she recovered and Sonny just held her body heaving with sobs, his fingers on one hand stroking her hair gently, the other in the small of her back, she was enveloped, safe, finally.

                “Ok?” He finally asked when her body was still, holding her at arm’s length.

She had her head dropped, her face obscured by the curtain that was her hair. Reaching for the sofa he grabbed a t-shirt that was tossed over the back and tilted her head, using the clean crisp cotton to wipe her eyes. She gave an awkward smile, then shook her head moving away.

He was sat waiting for her when she finally emerged from the bathroom, holding out a glass of brandy in his hand.

She took it cradling it in her hands, then lifted it to her lips, taking a long slug.

                “I feel as though the final strain of stability in my life has gone. I’d do anything to go back to November, how can everything change in just two months?”

He sighed, “they’re consenting adults, you can’t change that.”

She nodded, “I know that. But they’ve had such a strong opinion on me, on you...it’s so bloody hypocritical...and when I close my eyes...” She stared up at him, “Ethan could have walked in...I mean they’re not teenagers. What the hell is wrong with them?”

Sonny gave a half smile, “they probably feel like teenagers, look it’s not ideal, but we can’t control who falls in love.”

She laughed then, hard, sarcastically, “tell me they weren’t involved in you abandoning me. Tell me that it was nothing to do with them that they never interfered.”

Of course he couldn’t, but he tried not to show her the truth, hoping that silence would be enough.

The laugh came again, this time even more sardonic. “Bastards. SO they can RUIN my life, make every decision for me, and then carry on doing what the hell they like?”

Sonny sighed, “I’m sure it seems that way.”

                “It is that way. I gave up EVERYTHING for this, for him, for them.” She was rambling now, and Sonny knew better than to interrupt. “So I have to play by other people’s rules and they don’t. One rule for daddy dearest another for everyone else, is that how it works?”

He sighed, “I don’t know.”

At that moment his phone rang, Pam, telling him that the bar was inundated.

                “I’ve got to go back downstairs, you ok for a minute?” He wanted to punch a wall in frustration, but there was nothing he could do at short notice, he had to abandon her.  

Martha looked up and nodded, “I’m ok. I’ll pull myself together.”

                “Stay tonight; sort your head out, yeah?”

She nodded, “I’m not rushing anywhere.”

He moved to the door, “I’ll come back as soon as I can. Ok?”

The hen night was in full flow when he stepped back behind the bar, and the ladies whooped enthusiastically seeing him return. As he helped Pam he couldn’t drag his mind from the woman struggling upstairs. He’d love to go and see Carl; give him a piece of his mind. Did no one else care about her?

He had no plan B, there was no way he could leave the bar and go back to her. It was half an hour later that he spotted her in his peripheral vision, as soon as he’d finished serving his customer, he deserted the bar and chased to her.

                “Where are you going?”

Martha held up the baby monitor, “it was in the car...if I leave one side down here will you listen out of Ethan? I have to go and talk to them. It’ll drive me insane being here.”

It was not ideal, there was no saying he could be there for Ethan if it was busy, but she had to speak to her father, that was imperative.

It was a surreal drive home for Martha, though she knew the route like the back of her hand, it felt as though she was driving there for the first time, she was seeing things through a veil of emotion and it felt strange. She’d had an hour to think in a more realistic and composed manner, her father did deserve the chance to justify himself, but not as much as she deserved the chance to confront the two.

Slamming the car door, pleased that for the first time she was in the position of power, she held all the cards.

Entering the kitchen she was rewarded by the guilty faces of both her father and Steph, not that seeing them look so obviously guilty helped her. It only reminded her of what she’d witnessed.

                “Martha.” Her father came and walked towards her. “We’ve been worried sick. Where’s Ethan?”

                “Safe.” She managed suddenly reduced to one word answers.

Stephanie stood and reached for her hand, Martha snatched it away as she offered, “it’s not what it seems.”

That annoyed her, “so when I saw you and my father screwing that isn’t what was happening?”

Her father blushed, “Martha please.”

She shook her head, “no, don’t try and make me be reasonable here. I’m disgusted, disgusted with what I saw, the fact that you’d be so uncaring...it could have been Ethan who found you! Have you thought about that?” Her father looked glum, but Stephanie walked towards her a slightly smug look on her face.

                “Martha, look, we’re all adult here.”

Martha nodded, “yes we are, though just a couple of months ago both of you...” she pointed at each of them, “BOTH of you interfered in my relationship with Sonny. For the first time in my life I was happy, safe.” She looked at her father, “for so many years you were the only person who made me feel like that, but he came along and I fell in love with him, SO hard. But my happiness was never enough, YOU had to interfere. You know that Sonny is fragile, that he’s so vulnerable under that angry exterior, yet you both abused that, he won’t tell me, but I know what happened, I’m not stupid.” She gave a self deprecating laugh,” actually I was, to ever trust ANYONE. He meant everything to me,” she breathed the last words. “And you both helped ruin it, for your own purposes or some grossly misguided effort to right by me. As you just said, I AM an adult, but you two decided that you knew what was best for me.”

She started to pace, her anger fuelling her momentum, “then I find you two in bed.” Shaking her head she tried to move the image what was still so fresh in her mind. “And you want me to understand that? I don’t care who either of you sleeps with, but I care that you can act with such hypocrisy.”

She immediate felt better for airing her anger, she planned to get some clothes while she was there. She was hoping Sonny would put her up until she knew what she wanted to do. She knew he would. Making for the hallway and her bedroom, she only stopped when Stephanie spoke.

“Martha, let me explain, me and your father...”

A voice from behind caused them all to stop, “this I can’t wait to hear. Aunt Lucy said from the back door as the two looked up at her, “don’t stop on my account.”

Martha realised there was far more going on than she realised. Turning she looked at the three adults who were staring at each other, and suddenly she felt as though decades had been ripped apart.

                “Lucy...” her father offered, but the older woman held her hand up.

                “I want to hear what’s happening from her!” She pointed at Stephanie. “That’s what I want.”

Stephanie sighed awkwardly, “Look Lucy, this is nothing to do with you.”

Lucy shook her head, “it’s EVERYTHING to do with me. You’ve upset my niece, and it’s as though you’ve learned nothing from the past. You lady are destruction personified.” She glanced at Martha, “I’ve been fearing that this would happen, I never wanted you to find them together like this though.”

Martha made to speak when Carl opened his mouth, “LUCY! Stop now. Who made you judge, jury and executioner?”

                “My sister! That’s who!” Lucy’s voice quaked as she replied.

Trying Not to Love You - Part Seventy Two

Chapter Seventy Two

The first day without owning and running the restaurant coincided with the official launch for Sonny and Carl taking over the Royal Oak. Whilst he’d been in there running it for a couple of days, Friday night was the day they’d decided to have the actual opening night. It wasn’t a party as such, but there was a disco, food, and the first drink for the patrons was free.

Martha arrived alone. Her father had spent most of the afternoon at the pub, Lucy was coming there from a friend’s house, and most of her old friends were arriving at various times through the night.

When Martha stepped into the pub she could feel the difference, Sonny was smiling from behind the bar, her father perched on a stool was definitely Lord of the Manor, and in the time it took her to get from the door to where they stood they’d chinked their glasses in celebration and congratulations half a dozen times as various people joined them at the bar.

Sonny spotted her first and smiled, “here she is, our inspiration.”

Lots of people looked up at that, and Martha blushed at the sudden attention. It was an attempt to make her feel involved, but it was too little too late really for her. She still had a sour taste in her mouth over this whole business. Ethan was having a sleep over at Paul’s he wasn’t bothered about coming to the pub, but Sonny had employed him to work some of the day shifts whilst the new owners of the restaurant decided what to do, and that suited him.

Helen and her sister were due to join her later, but until then she was reliant on the current crowd.

Sonny was beaming as she approached and she was pleased to see him look so happy. For someone who’d struggled to fit in to this town, he looked relaxed, content, and was conversing leisurely with all the punters as though standing behind the bar was the most natural thing for him to do, as though he’d been there all his life.

                “Champagne?” He asked propping an elbow on the bar and leaning close to her.

Giving a nod she smiled at him, “thanks. It’s busy.”

He nodded, “this place always is, but I’m glad to see people don’t seem to be staying away cos I’m here.”

She took the glass he offered and then pulled up a seat next to her father who gave her a smile.

From her seat she could observe the comings and goings, but once Jade and her friends arrived it became awkward for Martha. She’d made a fool of herself when she’d been drunk the previous week. Sonny had gone easy on her, but as soon as Jade arrived she could tell that his girlfriend was planning to take things differently.

From his place behind the bar Sonny felt his heart break for Martha, she cut such a lonely figure in the place. Everyone else had someone to sit with, talk with, but since Stephanie had arrived, and Carl had disappeared off somewhere with her, Martha had sat at the bar alone. She looked as though she was ready to leave, and he hoped that she didn’t. He wanted her to be part of this, she’d been the lynchpin, she’d kept everything together when Carl had been absent and Sonny hadn’t really cared. And now she was on the fringe. He hoped she’d come work for him, but then he’d not got to grips with the accounts yet, despite spending most of the last few days nose deep in them. He also knew she’d make light work of the pages of numbers, and be able to balance things out. But he was too proud to ask her to help.

He glanced across to where she sat and realised that she looked pained. He hated that.  As he moved towards her, hoping to cheer her up, Jade came into his view, stood next to her.

                “So drastic and SO sad Cheryl, some people don’t know where they’re not wanted. If you burn your bridges then surely you should piss off and leave everyone alone.”

Sonny shook his head, Jade was directing her animosity at Martha, and that caused a hugely defensive streak to rise up in his throat. As he opened his mouth to speak, Martha beat him to it.

                “I was SO sorry to hear your parents selling your home whilst you still live in it. Burning your bridges is an understatement, but I hear you’re sleeping on Cheryl’s floor.”

Jade was furious, and whilst he couldn't condone Martha getting between them again, he was pleased that she’d held her own; he didn’t want to see her look any sadder than she did. She gave Jade a dazzling smile and was pulling on her coat when he reached her.

                “You leaving?”

She nodded, “I’m tired. Funny really when I’ve got no job I’m more tired than when I’m working flat out.”

He smiled, “take care getting home.”

                “I will. Come for dinner one day if you can. Ethan misses you.”

He grinned, “I’d like that.”

An hour later he was in the cellar changing a beer barrel when two arms encircled his waist. Grabbing the wrists, he turned and held a rather drunk Jade at arm’s length.

                “What?” she purred rubbing herself against him. “I’ve missed you all evening.”

He gritted his teeth for a moment, “you’re drunk and you’re acting like a fool.”

Her eyes widened and he could see the flash of pain on her face, “what?”

                “You! Shouting, throwing yourself around...what are you trying to prove?”

She stepped backwards genuinely surprised, but he was still angry, He couldn’t mention Martha, it would be like a red rag to a bull, but he wanted her to know he wasn’t happy.

                “Look go back to your friends, I’ll speak to you later.”

                “You will?” she asked with desperation.

Sonny looked to the ceiling, she was so eager to please, so keen that it made him feel wanted, not something he was used to, and it only added to his confusion.

Giving a nod, he turned her and directed her out of the cellar. “I definitely will. Now go socialise. Ok?”

                “Goodnight!” Sonny finally saw the last patron out. Fortunately he had to close at midnight, so it wasn’t too late as he finally closed the door. His first week had been amazing. Hard work, harder than he imagined, but he felt such pride. Leaning against the closed door he shut his eyes savouring the moment, until he heard a noise. Looking up he saw Jade, she’d been sat by the bar, but now she was walking towards him unbuttoning her blouse as she did.

She was a beautiful woman, she wanted him almost unconditionally, but as she outstretched her hands, and he linked his fingers with hers, as she led him to the stairs, and ultimately his new bedroom, he knew that she wasn’t Martha, and he doubted that she ever could mean the same to him. But...she wanted him, and that meant a lot to him too.

An hour later Jade had fallen asleep spread out across his mattress. He uncurled himself from her and got up, pulling on his boxer shorts he left the room. This was a huge step for him, and he liked the thought of having someone with him as he went. But he wasn’t sure that Jade was the right choice. He loved Martha, to distraction, but they weren’t getting anywhere, she was pushing him away, yet never letting him go, confusing him. He poured an inch of vodka into a glass then took a long drink of it. It was all such a mess when clarity meant so much to him. He wanted this to be complete, his work, his life, his happiness. He wanted it all.

Three drinks didn’t make any difference; instead he made his way back to the bedroom, and settled down for the night. Jade felt like a compromise, but she liked him, she wanted him, and it was simple, straight forward.

As he settled down onto the mattress beside Jade she stirred, rolling next to him, throwing an arm across his stomach. As her breath caused goose bumps on his chest, he inhaled deeply; he’d not cried since he was a kid, but as he lay there, at the pivotal moment of his life, the high point, he had never felt closer to tears.

                “Take me out somewhere. A proper date.” Sonny looked up from the breakfast table his mouth half open, his toast un-chewed. Jade stood in the doorway in just a towel, running her fingers through her shower wet hair.

                “A date?” He shook his head in wonder. “I’ve just taken on this place. I can’t have a night off.”

Sauntering across to him, she slid to sit on his lap, “well what about this afternoon? Some food or the cinema?”

He shook his head, “look it’s Saturday, it’s too busy. Maybe another day, ok?”

She gave him her best forlorn look, and then kissed him, and as she did she threw off the towel that covered her. Sonny sighed and gave into her earnest pleasure.

Martha had been swimming with Ethan, then they’d gone to town, bought him new shoes and a new coat. When they started the trip back to the house she was shattered, but she’d been out most of the day, that was her motive. She hated being at home at the moment, it was all too difficult, she didn’t know what to say to her father, Lucy was always out too, and on more than an odd occasion Stephanie was there acting like Lord of the Manor.

Was it only two months ago that she’d been in love with Sonny, running the restaurant with a family who were as devoted to her as she was to them? As she hit town she diverted, pulling into the pub car park.

Ethan looked up at her, “where are we going?”

Anywhere but home was her unspoken answer, “well you complained you hadn’t seen Sonny all week. Do you want to go visit him in the pub?”

He looked up at her expectantly, “really?”

She smiled the excitement in his eyes at the thought of seeing Sonny was all encompassing. I know how he feels, it was hard to admit just how much she missed him, since he’d moved out her life had changed dramatically, and she couldn’t help linking the two things together.

                “Ethan!” Sonny was almost bowled over by the miniature whirlwind that shot through the room taking everything out in its path. He had a single mission to reach his idol as soon as he could.

Sonny squatted down and caught the boy who threw his arms around his neck, “hey mate, how’s you? I missed you.”

Standing with the boy still in his arms, the two smiled at each other, “it’s boring without you!” Sonny pulled him close and gave him a huge kiss then sighed as he whispered, “and Mum is sad without you.”

He met Martha’s eyes over Ethan’s shoulder, she was still at the door and she looked tired, why were they torturing each other like this?

He smiled as she joined them, “you ok?”

Martha smiled, “yep. Busy day though, wondered if there were any cold beers in your fridge?”

Dropping Ethan onto a bar stool, he disappeared back behind the bar and proceeded to provide a fruit cocktail for Sonny and a bottle of beer for Martha.

There were a few others in the bar so he had to go and serve them, leaving them to drink their drinks.

When he returned he handed Ethan a bag of crisps, much to his amusement. “So where’ve you been?” He leaned on the bar studying Martha.

                “Swimming, town...”

                “I had new shoes!” Ethan burst in.

Sonny watched for a minute more, “avoiding home?”

She groaned at his powers of perception, “maybe.”

He sighed, “your father doesn’t mean things, he’s trying his best.”

She sipped at her beer, “I’d like to believe that, but I don’t. He says that he’s doing things for me, but all he’s done is isolate me. I came back here to help him, now that he’s back on his feet, that he’s got you, I’m surplus to requirements. I’m wondering whether I should go back to London, at least I had MY life there, my OWN life that is.”

Sonny shook his head at that suggestion, everything he’d given up had been to ensure he kept her in his life; he’d compromised their closeness to have her as a friend, an acquaintance and a colleague. If she left town, then it was all a disaster, all for nothing.

                “Don’t be rash. Take your time and take the chance to see what you want to do. You’ve got the chance to follow your dreams.”

It sounded like ideal advice, but he knew that Martha was complex, and not the type to take anything lightly.

Half an hour later she left, after a round of emotional goodbyes from Ethan, bundling him into Herman for the short drive back to the house. As she pulled the car into the yard she groaned, Stephanie’s car was there, that meant yet again she’d be sat with her Dad, ‘ganging up’ on her. She was starting to feel dread at the thought, but when she opened the door she felt instant unease, but had no idea why.

                “Why don’t you go and get an ice lolly from the freezer?” She directed him towards the utility room. “I’m just nipping to the bathroom, ok?”

She checked the lounge but the room was empty, that surprised her Steph didn’t socialise when she was here, and her absence was what concerned her, she’d expected to find her in the lounge painting her nails, but she wasn’t.

Taking the stairs two at a time she rushed to Sonny’s old room, which was where Steph was sleeping these days. Was she ill?

Throwing open the door she froze, draped across the bed, hair fanning out over the pillow was Stephanie, but it was the fact that above her...Martha swallowed the nausea at the sight of her father...she  had to pretend that she hadn’t seen him, his mouth to her breast, their naked bodies entwined.

The gasp of shock that she couldn’t hide made them both turn to look at her, surprise, guilt...it was all there. But Martha dropped the mail in her hand that she’d picked up in the kitchen and turned, by the time she hit the stairs she was running.

Grabbing Ethan’s hand she dragged him out of the farm and as far away as she could before she lost all coherent thought.

Trying Not to Love You - Part Seventy One

Chapter Seventy One

Martha refilled her glass, ignoring Sonny and Jade, and they had the decency to stay across the bar for a while.

                “Another glass please,” Martha smiled at James as he came towards her. He gave her a questioning look but the responding glare had him rushing to get a second bottle of wine.

Lines were becoming a little more blurry as she sat there letting the soothing affect of the alcohol take over her. She knew it was temporary, that nothing would go away, but she was sick and tired of being the sensible one, the one who did everything. She was like the parent in her family, she provided for everyone, everything, and they were all rushing around behind her back getting on with things, making decisions that left her with nothing.

She dropped her head onto her folded arms for a moment, then rued that decision as the room started to spin slightly.

Lifting her head she spotted Jade sauntering towards her. Giving a groan, she pasted on a welcoming smile by the time she reached her.

                “Hi Martha, you ok?”

She smiled and nodded, “fine thanks. Just having a quiet drink.”

There was enough malice in her voice to push away the most intent friend, but not the delightfully thick skinned Jade; instead she pulled up a stool beside her. “Well, if you don’t mind, I’ll join you. We are after all almost related.”

That caused Martha to almost choke on her wine, as if it wasn’t bad enough that she had to see this woman draped all over Sonny, now she wanted to be her friend. She hated the way things had deteriorated, and she hated Jade with her over confident manner and her deliberately flirty attitude. Didn’t she know that Sonny had loved HER first? The thought of them together made her feel sick; the other woman trying to buddy up to her only added anger to that equation. 

Martha laughed, “related? Hardly. You’re Sonny’s latest...” she didn’t honour her with a description. “Look I’ve not made friends with any of his previous encounters, I’m not about to start now. This hardly qualifies as ‘meet the family’.”

That caused Jade to flinch, and it was a moment before she replied, “there’s no need to be nasty.”

Martha glared at her, “I just told you I want a drink, alone, yet you want to use the opportunity to buddy up to me. Do you think that being friends with Sonny’s ex is going to make you a stronger fixture in his life? Is that your game?”

Jade was again stunned, “I’m just being friendly.”

Martha laughed, “women like you don’t do friendly...there’s a reason for everything you do, a consequence. And today it’s getting your rake like claws further into him.” She nodded her head towards Sonny who was approaching.

Sonny had only heard the last few words, but he could immediately sense the animosity in the situation, Jade looked like she was about to cry and Martha looked two things, drunk and evil. He rarely saw that side of her, and he knew something must have happened, but firstly he had to manage this confrontation.

                “What’s going on?” He asked, stopping next to Jade.

Martha grinned, “well hello. Look at you making it a full house!”

He cringed at her drunken display, it was so out of character, “Martha, you’re drunk.”

                “You going to give me a row Daddy?” She asked sarcastically.

                “Do you think you should leave?”

She shook her head and reached for her glass, “you are not my boss. And despite my joke, you’re not my father. Why can’t a girl get a QUIET drink without Barbie and Ken having an opinion?”

He was stunned and watched as she slugged at her wine, “now piss off and pretend you both want the same thing from a SO obviously one sided relationship,” she gave a devilish grin then hissed, “leave me in peace.”

Sonny was furious, and worried in equal measure, he’d not seen her like this before, he didn’t know how to deal with her.

He placed a hand on Jade’s arm, “come one, leave her alone.”

Martha laughed, “yep, you do that Jade, listen to him.” She turned to glare at Sonny, “cos he ALWAYS knows best, don’t you?” She provoked him with her eyes, forcing him to deal with the animosity between them, to accept that he’d thrown their relationship away so freely.

                “Don’t Martha,” he hated that she was pushing him and his eyes bore down on her.

She laughed, “it’s ok, I’m not about to destroy your little world guys, your bubble is fragile enough without me bursting it!”

                “What the hell is wrong with you?” He finally bit, squaring up to her. At that moment he realised they were the centre of attention, everyone in the pub was staring at them. As much as he didn’t care what people thought, he wasn’t ready to wash his dirty laundry in so public a place. Grabbing her arm, he gestured to the door, “outside, now.”

In the beer garden he pushed her to a distant corner then glared at her, “what the fuck are you playing at? What is wrong with you?”

The alcohol was making Martha view this situation through a hazy cloud, and the fact that Sonny looked angry made her laugh, “me? I’m not doing anything.”

He lowered his face so that he was close to hers, “you’re winding up Jade, and I don’t like it.”

She shook her head, “no. I was sat there minding my own business wanting some time to myself, but SHE couldn’t resist pestering ME. So take this conversation back to her and tell her to LEAVE ME ALONE!”

Sonny grabbed her arms with his hands and shook her, “this is all YOU,” he shouted. “You and your crazy games.”

She shrugged firmly then swatted at his hands, “get your hands OFF me, I am not one of the stupid women you date who gets off on you being a caveman, so stop beating your chest because it does NOTHING to me.”

He rolled his eyes, his hands clenched into fists at his side, “YOU chose this Martha, YOU told me there was no future for us, YOU told me to date her. Yet you seem to be trying to drive a wedge between us. You don’t want me but no one else can either? Is that how it goes? Do we spend the rest of our days single and full of regrets? Cos I don’t want to live like that, I have to move on, and you have to let me.”

She averted her eyes, not wanting to see the way he was looking at her with pity, “I don’t know...”

                “You don’t want me Martha; you’ve made that perfectly obvious. SO why are you doing this to me?”

Martha hated the tears that threatened, prickling at the back of her eyes, “it’s hard ok? Seeing you two together.”

He sighed, “but it’s what you want.”

She nodded, “nothing’s changed Carter, but...” she looked to the sky not wanting him to see her tears, but it was too late. “When I’m lonely I remember what it was like to be with you, what it was like when we were together, how you made me feel.” She tried to turn away, suddenly mortified that she had this breakdown in front of him, but he pulled her close, stroking her hair.

                “It’s ok...”

He held her for a while until she stopped crying, then lifted her head from his shoulder, “why are you lonely? What happened today?”

She swiped at her wet cheeks, “nothing...” He lifted an eyebrow and she gave a sad smile, “my Dad, he’s leasing out the restaurant...I’ve got nothing left really, have I?”

Sonny sighed, hating Carl for repeatedly doing this to Martha, “there’ll always be a job in the pub for you?”

She groaned, “working for you? Sounds like hell!” She smiled then, “will you think about Paul? I mean he needs flexibility that we offered him.”

Sonny nodded, “he’s an asset. I’ll speak to him next week.”

                “I’m going to go home. Will you apologise to Jade for me?”

Nodding again, he took her hand, “we have to move on though Martha, you can see that?”

Sighing she gave a small inclination of her head, as much as she was pleased for him, the coming weeks were heralding a huge change for them both. They were about to go their separate ways, get their lives back in order...separately.

                “So today is the day?” Martha was in the kitchen when her father and Sonny burst in laughing together.

They both looked up a little guiltily. She gave a smile to them then continued with cleaning up, this was hard for her, everyone moving on, everyone getting something new...except her. She hated how bitter that made her.

Sonny was watching her; she could feel his eyes on her. ”What time are you taking over?”

                “Get the keys at eleven. Doesn’t give us long to prepare to open...”

She nodded, “there are the regular staff though?”

Carl left to go sort out the horses, and it was then that Sonny turned to her, “you can always come and work with me. Not FOR me. Think about it? My home is your home, ok?”

Martha smiled as she gave him a hug, “end of an era, hey?”

It was his turn to shake his head, “no, the beginning. You know I want to share this with you.”

She sighed, “there are too many reasons why it is wrong. Be good, yeah? And make sure you eat well. You’ll still come for dinner sometimes?”

                “What reasons? We’re two adults; there are no reasons why we shouldn’t.”

                “Carter don’t do this. It’s over; it was a long time ago. As I said, be good.”

She almost ran from the kitchen leaving him scowling.

Sonny was sick of it, he wanted Martha, he was struggling to function without her, but she was being so rigid. He threw the few belongings he had into a box. Thirty years on the planet had he had managed to accumulate two bags of clothing and a box of books, music and other items. He was going to rattle around the three bedroom accommodation at the pub he now part owned. As he was emptying his toiletries from the bathroom, he felt a presence next to him, looking up he saw Lucy stood there.

For a woman approaching eighty she was both active and insightful, as he looked at her he recognised the expression on her face.

                “Hey.”

She smiled, “gonna miss you around the place.”

He sighed, “funnily enough I’ll miss you too.”

She followed him into the bedroom he’d been using and sat on the bed as he checked the drawers in the large chest that dominated the room.

                “Even though I thought you were a chancer, you turned out to be the person who brought this family back together.”

He turned to look at her, “don’t think Martha agrees.”

She nodded, “it’s tough for her, Carl isn’t doing right by her, but I think that’s good in a way. With all that happened, she’s put her father on a pedestal he doesn’t deserve.”

That peaked Sonny’s interest, Lucy had hinted that things weren’t as they seemed with Carl and the family, but never anymore than that. And he had to agree with her sentiment Martha sacrificed too much for everyone, but she’d given up the most for her father. Not that she knew quite how much.

                “I thought you loved her.”

That floored him. He stared at Lucy for a moment, stunned by her frankness, “I do.”

                “Then what the hell is going on? You’re moving out, dabbling with that tramp Jade, rubbing poor Martha’s nose in just how quickly you got over her.”

He was silenced all over again.

Lucy laughed, “weren’t expecting that were you? Martha is someone who lets what is right not just rule her life, but dominate her. I mean she sacrificed five years with her family to protect Ethan, then six months of sacrificing him to do right by her father. All that has happened to her, to you the last six months...it’s confusing, and you can guarantee she’ll do the wrong thing thinking it’s the right thing.”

He laughed, “you have really been thinking about this.”

She nodded, “you two are right for each other, I just don't understand why you’re apart.”

                “She doesn’t want me Lucy, she told me in no uncertain terms. And I can’t keep throwing myself at her for her to reject me, it hurts ok?”

Lucy looked at him, “good things are hard work, great things may take a piece of you,” she smiled, “but give you a different piece back.”

Suddenly he saw how right she was, loving Martha had changed him, and whilst it hurt him, he knew it had made him a better person. But Lucy was living in a simplistic world, a world that didn’t exist.

Sonny sighed, “I’ll always love her Lucy, but she’s determined that that is a one way thing. I am trying to get used to that, and whilst I know you’re intentions are altruistic, in this situation you are way off the mark.”

Lucy stood, “I’m not wrong about you two. If it’s worth having then it has to be worth fighting for Sonny.”

Trying Not to Love You - Part Seventy

Chapter Seventy

By seven am on Christmas morning Ethan was ecstatic, he’d had all his dreams come true and deposited in a stocking at the end of his bed. Martha still shared a bedroom with her son, which wasn’t ideal, but it did mean that she could watch him unwrap his gifts before six am without disturbing the rest of the house. Stephanie was staying for the holiday, so she was in Sonny’s room; he was back in the coach house.

Ethan could no longer be contained in a single room, so they pulled on slippers and robes and headed downstairs. There was a huge pile, or rather several huge piles of gifts under the tree, some from Santa for Ethan, but also gifts from all the adults for him and each other.

                “Can I open them now?” He asked excitedly as they came downstairs.

                “Let me get a coffee, then you can open that pile there. The ones under the tree we’ll open when the others get up.”

He was hopping from one foot to the other when she finally returned with coffee and her camera. He had half a dozen ‘big’ gifts and he’d revealed a couple of games and toys when the door opened and Sonny looked in.

Martha gave a smile and watched as Sonny came across to sit beside her.

With an extra person to show off to, Ethan proceeded to show every gift to Sonny who was suitably impressed. Martha grinned, Sonny knew exactly how to deal with Ethan, even though he looked like he’d barely slept - he’d been at the pub until after she’d gone to bed the previous night, he was still up early. Partly to witness Ethan’s excitement, but partly because for him this was the first proper Christmas for him, and she had a feeling he wanted to absorb as much of it as he could.

The last gift that Ethan opened was a remote control car, and within moments Sonny was on his knees on the floor beside him helping him to work it. Martha laughed then made for the kitchen, starting the turkey cooking, and breakfast - the rest of her day was hectically planned.

Within an hour Sonny and Ethan were dressed and trying out the remote control car outside on the yard. Stephanie and her father had both got up, and Martha was trying to supply breakfast and hot drinks whilst making sure the turkey and dinner were cooking as she expected.

She’d started to lay the kitchen table for the feast when the door opened and Lucy stood there, “is no one helping you darling?”

Martha shrugged, “seems that I do such a good job that people believe I’m part of the furniture! “

Lucy grinned and pulled up her sleeves, “well I’m here to help.”

At that moment they were both called into the lounge, as Ethan was in charge of doling out the gifts that still remained under the tree. There were winter hats, gloves, CD’s and books, some more appropriate than others, all handed out by the still ecstatic Ethan. After her father insisted that everyone had a glass of champagne and toasted Christmas, Martha retreated to the kitchen.

                “Can I help?”

She looked up to see Sonny leaning against the door frame. Giving a shrug she refilled her champagne glass, “just need to finish laying the table.”

                “I’ve had a lot of practice,” he offered, referencing his time at the restaurant. And almost immediately they fell into their comfortable working way. Within moments the table cloth was crease free, the crockery and cutlery set for every place, and the sparkling wine glasses catching the light that shone through the window.

                “Looks good.” He offered refilling her glass. Martha sighed and leaned back against the counter watching him.

                “You nervous about Michael coming?”

Sonny shrugged, “not as nervous as he probably is.”

That made her laugh, “yeah right!” But as she looked away Sonny knew she could read him better than he read himself.

Dinner was a raucous affair, with compliments being heavily laid in the direction of the tired, frazzled and slightly tipsy chef.  Ethan spent the whole time trying to escape from the table to play with a variety of toys and games, whilst the adults ate, drunk and becoming increasingly less pissed off with each other, for there were quite a few standoffs around the kitchen table when the meal commenced.

                “So what’s happening with the restaurant?” Martha with several glasses of champagne inside her finally had the courage to broach the issue of it being sold.

Her father grimaced awkwardly, “I had a buyer lined up but they’re having some sort of cash flow issue and want to delay. But if I don’t sell I can’t raise enough capital to buy the Royal Oak. James’ parents want a quick sale.”

                “I’ve told you it’s ok,” Sonny offered, “don’t feel awkward because of me.”

It was Michael’s turn to look up, “you were part of this?”

Sonny shrugged, “I was going to manage the place for Carl, but I’m happy at the restaurant, nothing has to change.”

                “Or I can make up the difference,” Michael offered, “It’d be my chance to help you out.”

Sonny shook his head, “I’m not a charity Michael, but thanks all the same.”

It changed the tone of the meal and made the atmosphere strained for a while, but fortunately Ethan was there to make everyone laugh.

                “That was a great meal,” Sonny followed Martha into the lounge, the older adults had placed themselves in charge of cleaning up the kitchen. It was getting dark and the usual run of Christmas specials were about to start on TV. “All of today has been amazing. You were right.”

                “Why don’t you think about Michael’s offer?” She dived straight in with what had been on her mind since dinner.

                “No way. He can’t buy me like that.”

Martha shook her head, “don’t be so pigheaded, hear him out. You can pay him back, make it a loan, put things on your terms. It’d mean you have something tangible, a home, a business...are you going to let that opportunity slip away out of sheer pigheadedness?”

                “I’ll owe him something...”

She shook her head, “on the contrary, he owes YOU. The question is - are you going to make him pay forever? Or are you ready to move on...get over things?”

He groaned, “you always confuse everything.”

She laughed, “confuse? I think I make things very clear for you. Didn’t you just say I was right?”

Groaning he started to pull on his coat.

                “You heading out?”

He nodded, “I’m going into the village.” He didn’t mention Jade’s name, but they both knew what, or rather who was waiting there for him.

                “Oh.” She clearly hadn’t been expecting him to rush off.

                “Michael’s going to give me a lift...not that I can’t walk.” When she offered an awkward smile, he handed her a small wrapped gift. “I got this for you...but I didn’t want to give it in front of the others.”

She smiled, despite it all he had been thinking of her again. “You shouldn’t have.”

Pulling at the paper, it revealed a black velvet box, and when she popped the lid, she sighed, inside was a charm, a four leaf clover, on a fine silver chain, and it was accompanied by the message, “A Best Friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, and lucky to have.” Suddenly overwhelmed by a plethora of conflicting emotions, she looked up at him, knowing that her face betrayed her inner demons.

                “It’s beautiful.”

He smiled, then lifted a thumb so swipe at a tear that escaped her eye, “you’ve changed my life. You know that, don’t you?”

She gave a little nod, not able to think beyond him being there in front of her, “and my life is better for knowing you.”

He gave a smile, “but not enough to get through all this, hey?”

The guilt, the pain that caused her to drop her eyes, and when she looked up he had gone.

The next two weeks were absolute chaos. After Christmas came New Year. Everyone had something to do, somewhere to go. In previous years the restaurant had been open for a special night, but this year no one wanted to work. Sonny was going to Northbury with the youngsters of the town and of course Jade, her father and Eamonn were heading to the Oak, and Lucy was staying at her friend’s in London and going to the Embankment to watch the fireworks. Stephanie hadn’t been around since Christmas, so Martha and Ethan faced a night in alone. That was until Paul called, he was in a similar situation, single parent, nowhere to go. But he had several large pizzas, DVD’s and a case of wine. She didn’t need asking twice.

Early in January, Sonny finally agreed to loan his stake in the pub from Michael and the exchange was imminent. Martha had no idea how she’d manage the restaurant and look after her son without his help, but she couldn’t voice that, Sonny needed his own place, his own life, his own future, but that didn’t mean she didn’t wonder about her own future.

The restaurant was closed on the Monday and Ethan was in bed when her father came in from an afternoon out.

                “I need to talk to you about taking on some more staff at the restaurant.  I mean in a couple of weeks Sonny’ll be gone to the pub, and you’ve already told me that you can’t help out; Paul is in the same boat as me. It’s going to be impossible if we don’t take on at least one other worker, someone reliable.”

Her father moved across the kitchen and opened the fridge door, grabbing a beer before he answered with a smile, “the owners, the ones who want to buy are struggling with finances, so we’ve changed the plans, they’re leasing the place. It means we get some money from them, enough to cover the pub stake, but we keep the building and the collateral. I think it works well for us, and soon we’ll be free of the graft there.”

That shocked Martha, “when does this happen?”

He sighed, “next week we sign. Two weeks it’ll be someone else’s responsibility. And they’ve agreed to keep the kitchen staff on for six months, see how it works out.”

She stared at him, unable to believe that yet again he hadn’t discussed this with her, he was pulling the rug from under her feet once again and she was struggling to control how she felt. Taking a deep breath she managed to say, “so as of next week I’ll be unemployed? What the hell am I supposed to do?”

Laying a hand on her shoulder, he smiled, “be a mother...shop...have fun...”

Martha glared at him, “Shop? Have fun? I spent months grafting, abandoning everything for you to keep that restaurant healthy. I have put blood sweat and tears into that place, and you sell me down the river now? Without a discussion or explanation?”

                “I thought you’d be pleased.” Carl had the decency to look embarrassed, but it was too little too late for Martha.

She shook her head, “pleased? No I’m not pleased.” Rather than shouting as she thought she would, she was eerily calm. Looking at her father her anger was devastating her. Turning she made for the door, “thanks Dad, for undermining me and making me feel worthless. Ethan’s in bed, I need fresh air.”

There was nowhere to go but the pub, everywhere else was closed, and a Monday night wasn’t the busiest. Walking in to the lounge of the pub she was gutted to see that she was the only one there. James was behind the bar filling the fridge with bottled beer.

                “Early start? You’re not usually here at this time.”

Martha sighed, “needs must. Can I get a wine please?” She threw a note down onto the counter and slid onto a stool at the bar.

                “Gonna be strange when I’m out of this place.” He offered as he placed the drink in front of her. “Been home for so long. You all moving in?”

She hadn’t discussed what was happening with her father, or rather he’d not discussed it with him, so she had nothing to share with her friends. Rather than exploding, she shrugged, “haven’t thought about it yet. Do you feel ok at moving?”

Again he paused and looked at her, “I don’t know. Haven’t really got a plan B. Going to stay with a cousin in London when the sale happens, have to see after that where I go.”

                “So you’re definitely leaving town?”

He nodded, “this is the wakeup call I need. I was angry my folks did this to me, but I can see that it’ll open doors for me.”

A group of five men arrived and absorbed James for a while, fortunately he’d left the whole bottle of wine beside her, so she helped herself so another glass. Sitting alone all she could do was think about how angry, how cheated, how hard done by she was. She hated feeling so morose, but it was hard to shake off the weight that sat on her shoulders. Self pity was a lonely place, but the wine helped on both counts.

                “You’re knocking back the vino.” James commented as he took a moment to pause at her side. “Anything you want to talk about?”

She shook her head, “I’m just not good company at the moment.”

He laughed, “post Christmas blues, I know all about that.”

A commotion from behind James made them both look up as the door to the living quarters burst open to reveal Sonny and Jade, entwined, laughing and almost falling into the pub. Martha stared at them as Jade draped her arms around Sonny and planted a kiss on his lips. He laughed, then looked up suddenly realising that they were the centre of attention. 

                “Martha. What are you doing here?”

She shrugged, “having some time to myself.”

With that she looked down at the newspaper nest to her, unshed tears blurring her vision, but knowing that she couldn’t meet Sonny’s eyes again. She couldn’t see the bewildered look on his face at her unexpected appearance in the pub, or Jade draping herself around him, so obviously adoring in a post coital haze.

Hell.